So Christmas has come and gone. Another one over and done with. Personally for me, I am glad it is over. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I hate it - it's just that I find it hard to get into any kind of festive spirit. Also, it's not that I'm unhappy - quite the opposite. I'm in a very good place. Happiest I've felt for about 3 years. I just don't enjoy all the build up (which starts months too early) and I find myself getting bored around noon on the day itself. I can think of much better things to do on my day off, involving wigs, makeup and a bit of padding...............!

That being said, it's time for an outing again. Twice in a month. This time though, has a reasoning behind it that is a deliberate act. New Years Eve. I'm going to my friends dressed. I want to see the new year in as my alter ego. I'm hoping that this will spur 'me' on to being whom I feel I should be. For me, it is a significant statement of intent for the year ahead. As more and more people know, it will become easier to go out and therefore, should be easier to slip into my more natural role. We'll see.

I have been told to take a list of my and my alter ego's resolutions round. Now, I'm not one for keeping to my resolutions, so it will be an interesting exercise. As for my alter ego, I don't think she's ever made any before.  For me it will be the usual: Lose weight and get fit; Worry less; Be more careful with money...........but I do have one which I intend to keep (see paragraph above). My alter ego's I have no clue. I'll find out on Wednesday night.

I haven't include work in my resolutions this year. This is because a) I am leaving my current store for a brand new one and b) I am still hopeful for the job outside of the company coming up. I had an email today about it, asking if I am still interested. Of course I am!! Silly question. I still need to get out of my current job although at the moment, it is getting better. 

Overall, things are moving in the right direction. The last 3 years have gone by so quickly and I am a better person now than I was then. I am finally reaping the benefits of the shackles of marriage being broken. I have changed my outlook on life, the way I deal with life and the way I live my life. I'm not going to get carried away as I know how things can go wrong. If they do, I'm better placed to deal with it now. Hopefully!!

After the euphoria of last weekend, my mood has only dipped slightly. I am sill buzzing over Friday night and how well it went. This has been backed up by the fact that apparently, at least two people tried to pull me at the party and more than I thought didn't believe I wasn't a genetic woman. Now, the cynical side of me puts that down to low lighting and beer goggles!

You see, in my eyes, I look like me but in a dress. I can still see past the makeup, wig and padding and it is me. I am finally coming round to the fact that I might actually pass as female provided I get everything right; Walking, talking, mannerisms and movement. Remembering to change these is a hard task, especially when they are all to an extent the opposite to my normal routines. That will only come with practice and patience.

I must have been doing some of these right to illicit that kind of reaction. It was more than I ever could imagine and a major confidence boost. I was apparently the main topic of conversation in the pub on Saturday night and I have been told, tongue in cheek I hasten to add, that I outshone the birthday girl!! I never intended to, but she told me it would be alright to, so I did!! 

Now, the thing is that I mustn't get carried away by this. Yes, it is good for a confidence boost in the here and now, but, there will come a time when negative comments and negative actions will rear their ugly head. I mustn't let these affect me to the extent that my alter ego becomes a chore or I become frightened of being her. I also mustn't let it cloud my issue of what gender I wish to be. Yes, I love the adulation I have received. Yes, I enjoy being her. However, that is only a small side of being that particular gender. The dressed up and looking the best you can side. There is a whole lot more to it than that. 

So, with this in mind, I am going to try to set aside a few days, within the next four months and try to live as a female. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. If that goes well, then I will try to do it again and for longer. I can only try. If my long term plan involves changing gender, it will be a good exercise. 

So far, next year is looking a whole lot better than this or last year. I hope that the future is brighter than it has been. Surely it can't get any worse? Of course it can't, I'm not married anymore.......... :)

On a bit of a comedown after yesterday. Not in a bad way, funnily enough, but it has got me thinking. Again. Let me explain......

This time last year, I was invited to the 50th birthday party of a customer where I work. Now, if you are a regular reader of my blog, you will know that this time last year, I was in a very fragile state. My mental and physical states were a massive problem for me, meaning that I didn't want to do anything, go anywhere or see anyone. So, even though I accepted the invitation, I couldn't go through with going to the party. Being around people I didn't know - apart from the host - was far too daunting for me at that time.

So, lets fast forward a year. My mental and physical states are in a lot better shape (even after my bad October), my job prospects are better (more on that later) and my home life has improved. On the back of this I, well not exactly me, received an invite to this customers 51st birthday party. This year, we were determined to go.

This customer is the same as me in the fact we both have an alter ego. When my ex colleague at work suggested that I should bring my alter ego back out again after my divorce, she said that one of the customers also had an alter ego. So, we got chatting and have over the past few years have exchanged hints, tips and general chit chat on the subject. The next logical step was to get together and see each other at our most comfortable.

This is the point where I take up the story. In my quest to get out more, this was the perfect opportunity to get out of my comfort zone completely. The only other person I knew was the host, the location was at a pub, deep in the countryside and it was an hours drive away.To say I was apprehensive was an understatement!!

However, it gave the perfect excuse to go shopping for a new outfit (but not to outdo the party girl!). So, after going shopping with my good friend for a dress a few weeks ago, I trawled my favourite site (eBay) for a few accessories. One bag and a pair of shoes later, we were almost there. A few new bits of make up and the look was complete:

This was the easy bit, even though it took three hours to get to this point! The hardest bit was yet to come. So, I left in plenty of time and the journey was uneventful. Then I got to my destination. I had to park in a car park, which was only a short walk away, but for me was very daunting. The best option was just to get on with it. So I did. Then came the entrance to the pub. This time, my luck was definitely in. The host was outside, with the barmaid, having a cigarette. Confidence boost 1: They didn't realise it was me until I told them! They genuinely thought I was a genetic female! 

The evening then followed that pattern. Everyone in the pub was very accepting and I got compliments all night and even a kiss ( only on the lips and he was very, very drunk!!) The host was extremely made up that I had come as it was their first time fully dressed in the pub. I was told off for not holding myself correctly at one point as one person thought I was a bit overwhelmed with the situation. I didn't feel overwhelmed, but my body was giving me away. I found out later they were a Female to Male transsexual - someone I would like to have a proper conversation with, considering my issues.

Then, the evening ended and home was beckoning. It had been a wonderful evening, brilliant people and that we would do it again. Funnily enough,I slept well last night!! Everything felt natural, from how I held myself, talked and moved. I felt right in myself. I felt beautiful on the inside and outside. I know I'm not the best looking girl in the world, but I felt gorgeous last night! ;) xx

There you have it. A massive confidence boost, meaning my comedown isn't as bad as it could be. It has strengthened my resolve to get my alter ego out even more and finally address my gender issues. I mustn't get too excited. I have to keep myself grounded. Even after my boss was asked when he wants the advert to go in the local paper to find my replacement. It means I must be moving stores then, right? We'll see. My area manager has been known to move the goal posts frequently. Lets just see what happens in 2015. 

Just as postscript to yesterdays post, I have had a positive response to my thoughts and the way I'm feeling. A comment from a friends sister on Facebook who read my post and a phone call from a good friend who has always supported my alter ego have both re-affirmed why I love what I do and that I should follow my heart in being who I want to be. It is this kind of feedback that goes a long way to increasing my confidence and pushing forward to make change in my life and make it better.

I'm itching to make an appearance now. I really want to get out and enjoy myself. I know I have the party next weekend, but I don't think I can wait that long! I think Sunday evening is free..................

I know I must keep my feet on the ground. There will be negative comments to come and I have to be ready for them. Once I get the first ones out of the way, the rest will be easier to deal with. For now, the positive ones really help!

I have been thinking recently. To those who know me, they know that can be a dangerous thing! When I think about things, I tend to immerse myself too deeply in the issue involved. The subject of this blog, for instance. Again, it is weighing heavy on my mind. After my real struggle last year with my gender, of which many other issues were clouding my judgement, I had made a breakthrough. 

Now, a year on, things have changed again. I am not as troubled this year - I have dealt with a lot of my issues to an extent, although some will still be ongoing into the distant future. However, one issue keeps on rearing it's ugly/beautiful head. My struggle with my alter ego. Let me explain why..........

Recently, my alter ego has had more chance to be seen and heard. Shopping trips, parties and now at home as my flatmate now knows. An ever expanding wardrobe, decreasing bank balance, more and more compliments on my alter ego's appearance/makeup have given me, personally, a major confidence boost in my ability to pass as a female. Therein lies the problem. Now, I want to express my alter ego more and more often. I want to be able to make changes that will augment my body with my own mind. I find myself rounding off the masculine edges of my physicality and practising moving and acting in a more feminine way. Even driving home, I am practising my feminine voice more and more. Again, my alter ego is starting to take over my life.

This post was prompted by a comment made to me by a customer yesterday. He is also expressing his feminine side, although he is more confident than I am and will go half and half. The comment was: 'Don't you wish you could express your feminine side more though?'. That rang a bell in my head. I do wish I could sometimes. I wish I were able to say that I could be who I want to be just like that. People will say that you can, no problem. The issue I have though, is that although I am in a better place than this time last year, I am still fragile, both mentally and physically. At the moment, I couldn't take any major rejection from anyone in my life, which I know would happen from some people should I make wholesale changes now.

My idea as to how I am going change - and there will be changes - will be little changes here and there. I have started by taking a bit more care in my appearance. Ironing my clothes, taking care of my skin, looking after myself by eating properly. What's next? Who knows? Once these things become second nature to me, then I shall decide on the next steps to take. I have some ideas - lets wait and see. My struggle continues.

On a lighter note, my alter ego has a party to go to next week. Here is a sneaky peek at her outfit:

It will be a new experience for my alter ego. A town not known, people not met before (except the birthday gurl!) and no other friends around for support. A real leap into the unknown. As with my life it seems.

So, another week and another week done. This week though, ends on a positive note. Let me explain....my employer is opening another branch in a town closer to where I live. This is all very hush hush at the moment although the company grapevine has been working overtime. Now, I fancy the opportunity to open a new branch, it's right up my street. Setting something up from new, building up a branch from scratch. Now, I have heard my name mentioned for this branch and a few people have told me to talk to my area manager and  put my name forward. 

Right, fast forward to today. My area manager turned up (a planned visit). One of his jobs was to speak to me. The upshot of our discussion is that, subject to whom they place as the manager, I will be going to the new branch. WooHoo!! However, it won't be confirmed until at least February 2015, but at least I now know or sure my area managers plans. Roll on February!!

This follows on from a great Thursday. The day my alter ego came out to play. A trip to the local city with my friend for coffee and shopping. This also came with a new look which I wanted to try:

I got some good feedback from people and a few looks from a lot of people! I also had some good feedback from my temporary flatmate, whom I didn't realise was in (and me her) until I was about to leave home. So, I had to explain the situation and she said that she didn't realise it was me until I said! So, I can't be doing too bad! That is good for the confidence. I have now also told my full time flat mate - who said it had already been mentioned to him! So all that worrying for nothing! This does now mean that I can dress more often at home and not worry too much about it. 

The fact that I can be around more often is a great boost to my confidence. The ability to be myself at home more and to go out more is fabulous news for me. I was so relieved that the flatmates were so understanding and supportive - I was a little worried, I must admit!! This on top of a successful shopping trip, meant it has been a good week.

I got my party dress for the birthday party in a few weeks - I just need everything to go with it now! Shoes, handbag, underwear, makeup............

That's his Christmas bonus spent (I don't think so!!) LOL! ;) I really want to bling it up and outdo the birthday gurl. I have been told I have to by the gurl herself. What's a girl to do, I can't let her down.....

I must also say thank you to my good friend who i went shopping with. She is really encouraging and has given me so much help and advice. I will be forever in her debt.

So there you have it. Our week in a nutshell. Hopefully this is the start of some good changes in our lives. Less of me and more of my alter ego.....

Now it's my turn! So, he has given you a little taster as to where I am at in my mind and what is going to happen in the future (hopefully!). It is good to be appreciated and given the chance to get out more. I am enjoying myself and that reflects positively on the person around me. That in turn then means that we can become ourselves and start to finally grow into the person who we feel we should be. That can only be good, right?

I have been shopping on ebay again - don't tell him, he'll only moan - just for a few essentials (and maybe a new hairdo!). The sum total of my purchases is a make up bag, an over the shoulder handbag and a wig.....and a new cleavage enhancing stick on bra. Well, this gurl needs all the help she can get!! Mother nature didn't intend me to have natural curves, so I have to create my own! Pic's will be posted next week of my purchases once I have decided on my shopping outfit. 

Shopping.......It's that time again. My monthly trip out with my good friend. I do look forward to these trips out. She has been very good to me, as has her partner, in accepting me and nurturing me and giving me the opportunity to express myself. For that, we will be eternally grateful.  This is helping my confidence, my appearance and my self belief that I have in myself, that I can be who I want to be. It may come to a point where I want to be around all the time, if I feel that is the way forward. Only time will tell.

Party time.......I have been invited to the birthday party of another gurl. A customer of mine, also likes to be let out once in a while. As we have got to know each other in a work environment, we wanted to see each other outside of that environment and see the people behind the facade. We have seen photos of each other and now we should finally be able to meet properly. This is a bit scary for me, as the party is being held in a pub, in a small village, in the middle of the countryside. The locals know as she goes in all the time, so they should be receptive, but I will have to be on my guard as there may be some negativity - I have been warned as it has happened before to her. It's a leap I need to take though - the only way I am going to gain confidence is by going to new places, meeting new people and being me and being who I want to be.................and I love being me!! xxxx

For once, a happier post. As I am feeling better, the world is currently looking a little rosier. I have been eating better, so I am feeling better, which in turn makes life a little bit easier. After the past few months, things could only get better.

So, what's changed? Not much, my job is still causing me grief, my manager is still useless, I'm still single, I still have a malaise about me, however, I am embracing my new found depth of sleep, my new found love for my alter ego and my new way of doing certain things. The sleep issue has been one of my biggest problems for many years. Sleepless nights, light sleep and broken sleep have taken their toll on my mental and physical health. Since I started to feel really unwell, I have found that on my days off, instead of waking up at, say, 7am and then not being able to get back to sleep, I have been sleeping in until at least midday - actual sleep - not just dozing. I have even been having a few minutes napping at work at lunch times. This has been very welcome and has, in no small part, contributed to my current better mood. Long may it continue!

On to my new love for my alter ego. As she is now going out more and her look and transformation process is becoming more refined, I am enjoying having her around more. She is going out next week - shopping in the local city with a good friend -and she has been invited to a party of another 'alter-egoist' in a couple of weeks. That will be a real test for her, as she hasn't been seen by the birthday boy/girl, other than in photo's and the fact that no-one at the venue will be known to her. Scary times! This is the leap she needs to make if she is to keep evolving and growing in confidence. 

Now for the new way of doing certain things. After my comments in a previous post regarding smoothing out the edges of my blokeness, I have been trying to refine the little things I do and say. Just little changes, like the way I hold things, the way I stand, the way I sit, the way I drive and the increased emphasis on improving my appearance, just by ironing my clothes and shaving more regularly. This is also having a positive effect on my love for my alter ego and the better eating habits. Fingers crossed that it may continue. I am not getting over enthusiastic; I want to take a more considered approach for once and take things slowly. Little steps.......

Life is a journey - don't waste time wondering, just go. That should be my mantra, but, I am always procrastinating and putting things off. Story of my life. If I had put off my marriage, perhaps I wouldn't be in this position! Jesting aside, it is becoming a bigger issue, the older I get. I want to do things - like bringing my alter ego out more - but when I get home in the evenings, I just can't be bothered.

Admittedly, I haven't been well recently and that hasn't helped, but that doesn't excuse my long term malaise. I know I am the only one who can move myself forward and now I am feeling a little better and have a little more zing, I hopefully can start to move myself forward. Small steps, not great big leaps. Fingers crossed!

Another bonus, is the possibility of a move to a new store at work. As my current manager is as about as useful as a chocolate fireguard - I run the branch, he just bumbles his way through - I will be glad to get away. He has already been asked if he could cope without me. He said yes, I say no. Only time will tell.

To aid my 'recovery', I decided to take a walk along the stretch of beach near where I live. The combination of a slight breeze, sea spray and sunshine really cleared the cobwebs away. To me, it was absolute bliss!

I don't get to do this very often, so having a half day yesterday and with a break in the rain, meant that I could indulge once again.

No alter ego this week and probably not next week either. However, with my new sense of journey, I will endeavour to indulge her and help her into the world if it is possible. I know she is eager to get out more and I know I've said it many times before, but I do intend to try harder. She can be very hurtful at times and I had enough of that in my marriage!! Onwards and upwards............

Hiya! Although I haven't been outside today, it was good to get out. After the disappointment of not being around last week, today has made me smile. Well, it's time to try on my recent purchases and sort some outfits out!

After a nice relaxing bath and some preparation (a lady never reveals her secrets!), it was time for my transformation. I tried some different makeup today, something a bit more basic and a bit more natural. I sometimes have a tendency to put on a bit too much, even when i'm trying to look natural, so today was a good time to tone it down.

I'd bought a couple of new tops, cardigans and a skirt recently, so I wanted to try some different looks and to see what goes best. I'm just getting used to the art of layering and perfecting my everyday look. I have plenty of dresses for going to parties and evenings out, but didn't really have any everyday clothes. Two shopping trips with a good friend later and a modest amount of money spent (cough!) has resulted in a basic everyday wardrobe.

This is one new cardie, top and skirt, teamed with some thick tights (it's a bit cold today).

The second cardie, new top and skirt, teamed with some boots.

The new jumper teamed with a pleather jacket and jeans.

I also tried a couple of variations of outfits with some older items, so I now have a greater range of ideas for the future. It won't stop my buying more - he'll just have to work harder! (I'm trying to work less, not more!) Hopefully I will be able to try some of these out soon. I have a day off next week, so dependant on the weather/his mood, the world will be my oyster. xx

So, my general well-being is a bit low at the moment. Even after a week off, I am still tired, my body is still rebelling against me and work is still.....well.....work. Work is the major cause of my problems. My boss is still useless, my head office are still atop their ivory towers and I still do not want to go to work. The problem is, as I'm feeling low, it makes it incredibly difficult to make any changes to make things better. Catch 22.

At least I am going out a bit more. That, I have realised, is better than sitting at home and stewing on my problems. The holiday did help, although I think I slept through most of it. It was nice not having to get up and go anywhere or do anything. I did not go up t'north in the end. My friend forgot I was coming up. In a way I was relieved as it gave me more chance to relax, but I really want to make the effort to go up and see them.

As I am off for two whole days this week (Excited!), I think an outing is due on one of those days. I am tempted to go out on my own, somewhere quiet, just for a walk. Weather dependant, of course......

.........and as I couldn't go out last week, I think I will go out. You see, I was supposed to go out for Halloween. I had my outfit ready - Zombie Schoolgirl, I had done all my preparation, I was ready to go. Then, he throws a spanner in the works by getting in a strop with work. Yet again, I lost out. I shouldn't be surprised really, I never thought that me being around was going to be easy. Finding time for one person is tiring enough, let alone two people!! As long as I don't get pushed aside all the time and can come out to play, frequently and when time allows, it should work. Shouldn't it? 

I will make the effort to take her out - hopefully it will calm me down a little. Not seeing my boss for three days will help as well. Onwards and upwards.......

I've been doing some thinking recently. As this blog is about my internal struggles with my gender, I have felt the need to try to drag (if you'll excuse the pun), the blog back to the reason I started it.

As I feel the need to become my alter ego more and more, I am finding it harder to swap from my male role to my female role and back again. This got me thinking about how I present myself to the world in general, how I act around people and do I really act the way I feel inside.

As I have been bought up male, married, work in a predominately male orientated industry, there is a norm that society says you should conform to. That of the football loving, beer drinking, bloke. I like football - I support my local team; I like a drink - usually a nice single malt, but, I don't feel like a bloke inside.

I don't always feel comfortable with the role society pigeonholes me into. I believe in the individual - that everybody should be who they want to be, be with whoever they want to be and do whatever they want to do (as long as they don't hurt anyone). I feel like I have spent too long conforming to who people believe I should be, too long acting in a way that hasn't always felt comfortable. Given my life over the past few years, the changes I have already made and the emergence of my alter ego, I have decided to act how my mind and body feels it should be acting and start to find my true identity for the first time in 15 years.

So - what is going to happen? As I display all the rough and ready edges of being a bloke, I think it's time to smooth those edges over. Add a dash of grace to my movement, take more care of my appearance and slow down when doing anything. This will give me something to concentrate on, to stop me sitting down and watching the television all night. The inner me is fighting back!!

Aggggggh! Back to the grindstone today. Back to my normal, humdrum life. Back to the tedium of my everyday existence. Struggling with a manager who is pretty useless at virtually everything, a head office who haven't got a clue about the size of my store and what we sell and a general lack of any kind of enthusiasm for my job have made me both stressed and tired. It has got to the point where I don't want to go to work. All I want to do is stay at home, in bed and try to sleep.

I am becoming a bit of a hermit because of this. I'm not fussed about going out - I'd rather stay in and veg out. I must confess, working long hours and a months house-sitting have taken it out of me and my body is sending out a very clear message: STOP! Lots of spots, boils, aches, pains and a cough/cold just itching to develop mean that I will have to stop and rest and get myself well again. It's a good job I have 7 days holiday coming up! It sure is needed!!

I will be spending my time just relaxing and getting myself back on track and hopefully de-stressing a bit. A couple of days visiting friends up t'north, possibly a trip westward ho!, sorting out the last of my storage unit and an appearance from my alter ego perhaps? I certainly hope so ;) After last weeks outing, I feel she needs to come out more - if only for my sanity and well-being! It is amazing how she helps my moods. She seems to calm me down and lets me be who I want to be. She feels more confident about coming out now, so that will hopefully be beneficial for me.

So, time for me to try and relax and try to forget about work tomorrow. Try to forget the tedium and the struggle, the endless search for enthusiasm and the gumption to actually get up and go to work. Damn! - why did you let me think about it? No sleep for me - I blame you!

Hiya! I finally got to go out this week. An afternoon of shopping and coffee with a good friend of mine. It was just what was needed after the last couple of weeks. I really needed to get out and this outing has made me realise how much more I want to go out. I thought I would go dark haired this week - so I went for black. I wore the new outfit I bought last time. 

So...after leaving my flat(dressed for the first time in daylight), we met at my friends house and then I drove us into the local city. I felt more confident than the last time we went - I think the fact that I had been out before and the reaction, or lack of it, had given me a confidence boost. I have to keep myself grounded though, as I know there will be some adverse reaction to come. and some of that will be nasty.

Neither of us had much money, so we did a lot of window shopping! I bought a jumper, top and a ring.......as well as a few toiletries from a very nice shop......which my friend also works at. A bath bomb, some shower gel and a face mask completed my shopping expedition.

It was nice to be accepted whilst shopping. Every cashier called us ladies, even the staff in my friends shop treated me as me. That is a real confidence boost. I think it helps that my local city is seen as one of the most open and accepting in this country - in some respects, anything goes. 

Next trip - Halloween. The perfect excuse to get out and get dressed up. I've already decided what I am going to wear. However, you will all have to wait and see ;) xx

Bleugh. Given the last few weeks and my attempts to rectify my health issues, I have finally had to admit defeat and have a day off sick. The banging headache and dizziness, plus the explosion of spots/boils on my body have convinced me to have a duvet day (well, sort of). It was nice to sleep in, even if I had to wake up to phone work at 6.15am. I felt so much better after an extra few hours sleep. It's amazing what a few extra hours of shut eye can do. That, plus the fact that I've had the day off of work have made me feel 100% better. Still some way to go though.

I received a compliment at work yesterday. A customer - who knows my alter ego - said that she looked lovely in her recent photos and it was good to see her back out and about. This has made me more determined to expose my alter ego to the public in the next month. A week of early nights and a lot of healthy eating should help. 

I was nice to receive a compliment. It makes me feel that I can look good and I am getting things right. I still have a long way to go to make sure that I can pass to  most people, but practice will make perfect.  The more I go out, or come out, the better I will look, pass and act. The customer who gave to compliment said if I wanted to go shopping, she would go with me. My friend who lives just up the road from me has suggested we have a tea/coffee date each month. So there are plenty of opportunities to go out. Plenty of practice!!

Then thunder, lightning and torrential rain are back. The last few days have seen plenty of all three! Even had a tiny flood at work. The monsoon like rain meant the drains in my work town couldn't cope, so we had a flash flood. The only bit of excitement to happen this week though.

Next week doesn't look much better, although I will be away for a couple of days on a course for one of our suppliers. Going with a good friend of mine - we both work for the same company. Us together on this course will be fun. Lets just say, with the two of us together, we will be a force to be reckoned with! 

Sorry for the quiet period - the last few weeks have taken it out of me. What with a 53 hour week at work with no days off or lunch breaks,taking a parent to a hospital for an operation on my few days off last week and moving back home from house sitting, I am a wee bit tired. The fact that I can currently drink three cans of full fat cola and still get to sleep is testament to that. Usually, I would be bouncing off of the walls!!

So, this has not left me much time to do anything else, anything I really want to do. The main aim is recovering my lost sleep and recovering from the efforts of the past few weeks. My body has been rebelling against me because of the lack of sleep and the affects of a very bad diet. Boils and spots galore. My first lay in since August has helped, as have the early nights. I am showing my age by being in bed by 9pm on a Saturday night! It is the future............

Well, because of his tiredness, I couldn't go out last weekend. I must admit, the weeks had taken their toll on him and I was really looking forward to going out again. However, it just wasn't meant to be. I bought two new tops as well, because, as usual, I couldn't decide what to wear! Hopefully, I will be out in the next few weeks. Even if it is only for tea! Halloween is also coming up, so I will deffo be out then. I have a costume idea........and I will be going out in my local town for the first time. It could be interesting and will be frightening, in more ways than one!!!!!

A week of relaxation and quiet is the best course of action this week. Just taking easy and getting everything back on track. Plenty of rest and good, healthy food are the way I will be going this week. Fingers crossed. I will leave you with a photo of the sky tonight. It was mesmerising.

 Night all.

So, as you have heard from my daily self most of this week, I think it is now my turn to launch an assault on your eyeballs. (As if using a pink font was not bad enough! ;)

As you know, in the real world, it has been a manic week. Because of this, I have not been able to get out. It does not mean I have not been about, just in the background.

As I have been out more recently, my confidence is growing. Now, I want to go out more often; go to more places and do more things. Even things like coming out more during the day, in the subconscious of my real self. I find I am making the odd decision, looking at things my way and even looking at people in a different way (as in 'Am I attracted to them' or a 'That outfit looks nice/She shouldn't be wearing that' kind of way).

Perhaps this is just the way things should be. Perhaps this is just the true self coming out. It does feel good to finally be around and not (too) hidden from the world. If only everyone was pleased to see me. I realise that I cannot show myself to everyone in our world. Some people would not understand why I am around and where I have come from. At the end of the day, I am who I am and I am not ashamed of that! 

Midweek madness. Or a whole week of madness, so far. As it is a long week, I was hoping for a quiet week. Oh how wrong was I!! From roadworks, machines malfunctioning, loan staff to argumentative customers, every angle has been covered at the moment. It is times like this when I realise what a release my alter ego is. To be able to disappear into another life, to be someone else for even a few hours, makes you forget about everything and makes you realise what is and what is not important.

I have trying to figure out lately, since she has come back into my life, how she will fit in to my life going forward. When I started this blog, I was I was in a dark place. I was confused, tired, on the verge of depression. At that time, given my mental condition, I could only see one way out of all the confusion and darkness - change my gender. It became a daily, if not hourly question on whether to change or not. Now, with the benefit of counselling, a lot of soul searching, long chats with good friends and a better frame of mind, I have found - for the time being - a happy medium. 

That is not to say that the question of my day to day gender will not arise again. If she is around too often and she gets more and more confident, who knows what may happen? Currently, I am happy for her to at least come out once a week and to creep a little into my everyday life. I am toying with the idea that I am slightly androgynous. I do not seen to fit into any of societies particular pigeon holes and that suits me just fine. I am me, love me or loathe me, I will not change. Well, maybe once a week................

Linking this all up to the beginning of this post, to me, work is not important. It helps me to buy another wardrobe full of clothes though! My health and sanity is important. She brings a little sanity to my complex little empire and helps me to escape the sometimes mad world I live in. She is and will now always be part of my world. Hopefully she will have some fun of her own too. I suppose it depends on how many JD and cokes you buy her.............

Just a quick update on my current status and well-being. I am just at the start of a 53 hour week and I am tired already. No lunch breaks, days off or early days are going to make for a very grumpy person by the end of the week. Ho Hum - life goes on. 
On the flip side, my alter ego will be out again in the next few weeks and also will be having a regular lunch date with a good friend of ours. Any old excuse to flaunt herself in public!!

Did you really just say that? The cheek of it. I really want to get out in public more, so I can justify more shopping trips!! ;) Well, I do have a birthday party to go to, Halloween and my tea/coffee/alcohol date (delete dependant on how the week is going). The good friend who took me shopping a couple of weeks ago suggested we have a girlie date at least once a month, as we both have jobs which gives us the odd afternoon free whilst everybody else is at work, it gives us a good chance to gossip! 

I think it's time for bed now. I need my beauty sleep. No laughing at the back. 

As I cannot sleep, I thought it an ideal time to give you all an update, or at least give you something to read!
There has not been much chance for my alter ego to appear in either public or private since last week. A combination of being busy on my days off, dashing about to help a friend in need (A friend who has been very good to my alter ego recently) and general tiredness have not helped. Hopefully, in the next few days, I will have the opportunity to let her out. At least in the comfort of my temporary home. 
Since my alter egos foray into the big wide world last week, it has got my and my alter egos minds working overtime. I will let Danielle explain.......

I enjoyed my trips out last week and I enjoyed the whole experience of actually being treated the way I feel I should be. Following on from that, there are a few more experiences I want to have. I think these are connected to Dave's feelings as well, as I know he is still unsure of his gender and sexual identity. 
So, what are these experiences? Well, I would like to experience being chatted up by someone - either male of female. I would like to experience being kissed, caressed and being wanted. Personally, they would have to accept that I am not completely all that I seem, but can accept the illusion I present and can believe the illusion I present. I do find myself fantasising about being with a man - kissing and cuddling and making me feel as I want to feel inside. I have started to look at men in a more sexual way and have started fantasising about some members of the opposite sex on the TV.  
The problem is, it will get to a point in which I will want it so much,that it will eat me up inside and that will in turn will affect me mentally.  Even if I were to 'scratch the itch', I do not think that will cure it. I will want more and more. I hope this has explained things fully. 

That is how she is feeling. I feel a lot of that. After being in a loveless relationship (not on my part), I do not always feel appreciated or loved - although I know a lot of my friends do love and appreciate me, I still do not always believe it is true. I think that stems from my upbringing and the lack of love from my father and to an extent my mother. Sometimes I just want a big hug and someone to tell me they love me and everything is going to be all right. I have not had it for so long and I really miss it. 

I am enjoying my freedom, don't get me wrong, but I am very nervous about dating again. I don't feel attractive as Dave or feel as if anybody will want me. I am my own worst enemy, as I am the only one who can change myself and make things happen. I procrastinate too much and the whole cycle starts again - me saying I need to change, making plans and procrastinating. Until I sort out my gender and sexual identity, I do not think I can get to the point of being able to date. I still have a long way to go. Wish me luck.

I'm on a bit of a comedown after yesterday. I finally went out shopping, albeit with a friend for moral and fashion support. My first big step into the daylight world......

It was the day of my shopping trip. Up early to get ready, all plucked, painted and padded up for my first daylight venture. I had to remember to dress down - I'm so used to dressing up for a night out that I really had to reign myself in. I wore a denim skirt with leggings, a tight T shirt, some converse style shoes and a brown wig. Hopefully I managed it!! My friend didn't say anything, so I'm presuming it was OK.

My first obstacle was negotiating the route to the car. A couple of workman and a skip lorry blocking my path wasn't in my plan for my first glimpse of the daylight. So after a few minutes wait, the coast was clear. The drive to my friends was easy, but the most nerve racking bit of the whole day was driving through my current home town!

After picking my friend up, we drove to the local shopping centre to start my expedition. Usually I would be nervous about getting out of the car and walking anywhere, but I didn't feel any nervousness at all. It all felt natural. All I wanted to do was blend in and I think for the most part, I did. 

It was such a thrill to walk around my actual home town and be who I wanted to be and act how I wanted to. It was exciting to finally shop for myself and buy things in a shop instead of using eBay. With the help of my friend, I came away with the following - A cardi, dress, statement necklace, a pair of flats and a skirt. All welcome additions to my wardrobe! We also went into my friends place of work and into MAC to enquire about a make-up lesson. I think I need one!

After a coffee and cake and a few more shops, my shopping expedition came to an end. After walking back to the car, diving my friend home and then driving myself home, I thought that was my day over. However, I was wrong........

You see, I was supposed to meet a friend for a drink on Tuesday, but the cancelled on me. I can understand why, but they then invited me to a local pub for the landlords birthday party. I said I would see how I felt after my day off.......

.......and I thought I would try out my new outfit and go for it! The dress, teamed with a pair of black leggings, the new cardi and the new flats, plus a blonde hairdo and a new coat of make up finished the look. So, for the second time, I ventured out into the daylight. The coast was clear, so to the car I went. Again, the drive was uneventful, but I would have to walk, on my own, with no support, from the car park to the pub. Strangely, I wasn't that nervous. I walked with purpose and poise and made my way to the pub. Luckily, my friends were there already. 

Although I got a few looks from a couple of people, on the whole, I blended in. My friends commented on my outfit and how nice I looked. Unfortunately, I could only drink soft drinks, but I still had a little boogie once the band started. Alas, the evening had to end. After a kiss and a hug from the (slightly) drunk landlord, I walked back with my friends to the car park. Even with a moron shouting out faggot at me, I didn't let it ruin my day. I felt honoured that they actually had to comment, although it showed up their lack of intelligence. I was still on a major high on the way home and didn't want the night to end. However, sleep was calling and a bedroom had to be tidied. So, after getting undressed and cleansing my face of make up.........it was time for bed.

So, after being on a high, today was a let down. Back to work. Bored. No motivation. But the interview for the new job may be back on...............

I think I have an apology to make. I am very sorry for the long break between posts. This is because I had fallen out of love with my alter ego and had a general malaise over my pastime. However, my love for my alter ego has been refreshed by a trip out last weekend. Hopefully now, I can get back to where I was and hopefully push the boundaries even more.

So, what has happened since my last post? Well, I've settled into my new place, right on the seafront, completed a 40 mile charity walk.......and that's about it. I've just been coasting along with life, working, pubbing and generally surviving. 

So, last weekend was the 30th birthday Film Noir party. My chance to get out again and have a good time. Did I have a good time? Of course I did. New dress, new shoes, new wig and lots of confidence made sure I had a good time. Lots of compliments helped as well!! ;) Hopefully I didn't show the party girl up - I was a little worried that I did. 

The evening started in a pub/bar for food - I was very hungry! (I didn't have time to eat before I went as it takes me a while to look fabulous!!) I got to meet my friends family and work colleagues and got chatting straight away. It felt very natural and I didn't feel nervous at all (other than NOT falling over in my heels!!). We, (the hardcore group), then headed to a Cabaret club for some cocktails and dancing. Some of us had to take a taxi the mile and a half there (well, my feet/calves were not really made for long walks in heels) and was I glad I did! More dancing time! We had some gorgeous cocktails which went down very quickly and lots more dancing until it was time to go home. BOO!!

I haven't felt as alive as I did last weekend for a while now. It all felt natural and right somehow. I didn't have to try too hard and my cheeky side rose to the surface. I can't wait until my next night out! xxxx

So, plans going forward? Become my alter ego more - shopping trip planned for later on this week (daylight trip - eeeek!), another birthday party and Halloween all to plan for. Myself - new job hopefully, if my interview ever gets sorted. Exciting times ahead!

Update coming soon.........been a very busy few months with a lot happening. Have a better internet connection now, so will feel more inclined to blog more frequently!

Well, I thought it was about time that I wrote a post. As I haven't been around much recently, I asked if I could have a go!!

You see, it's been hard, kept in the background for so long - about 22 years to be exact. I really would like to get out of the shadows more and be able to go out more and experience what life has to offer. With all of the issues starting to be ironed out, a light can be seen at the end of the tunnel. I think the idea is to go out more and be able to express myself freely - not to be afraid anymore.

It has been nice to be around this weekend. Although I haven't been out, just seeing the sunshine has helped. Makes me want to go out to a nice pub garden for a drink with friends. At least I have a cocktail evening to look forward to and a Film Noir 30th birthday party to look forward to later in the year. More outfits to buy!

Hopefully, this won't be the one and only post from me - I hope that I will be able to express myself more often and let you guys know how I am and what I'm up to.

Love and kisses xxxx

As it as been a few weeks since my last post, I thought I had better update the loyal band of followers as to my current well being.
Well, really, I have just been bumbling along. Working, been out a few times, housework - the usual monotonous but essential stuff. Had a bit of a blip at work, when they wanted me to train the person bought in above my head to do their job. So, I am not good enough to do the job, but I am good enough to train them. Funnily enough, I said no. I did not think it was appropriate to put me in that situation, considering this is the second time in six months it has happened to me. 

On the plus side, It looks like I will be moving back near my friends soon. Things are moving forward nicely, so I should hopefully have a better update in a few weeks time. Fingers crossed!

I had my second counselling session this week. We concentrated on employment this session. In a nutshell, the outcome was to get a new job. I think it is the best way to go, but my employer is very good in lots of ways. I have been given some 'homework'. I have to do a plan of where I want to be work wise in two years time. I cannot see me moving up in my company anytime in the next two years, so my future lies elsewhere, methinks!

With regard to my gender conundrum and given the upturn in my mental health, at the moment, the status quo is the current preferred option, albeit with an increased presence of my alter ego. I need to express my inner self more and I am finally gaining the strength to do so. I have a feminine side which I want to unleash more and more and I really believe that by letting this out that I will be a happier and better person in the future. 

A new outfit and wig for this weekend. A St Patricks Day party to go to - first time out this year! Really looking forward to it. I think I am going to be a bit overdressed, but you only live once and I have to enjoy and grasp every opportunity I can to show my true self. It will only be a small gathering, but it is people I know well, so I will feel a lot more comfortable.

Another day, another sense of failure. I am my own worst enemy - I have known that for quite a long time. Even after the admission in my last blog, I still have not been able to make any progress. Even I am boring myself with this one.

Procrastination. I am very good at that. Always have been and probably always will be. I will think about that and let you know. I am full of good ideas, able to plan the ideas out and how to achieve them, just not able to execute them. I expect it is all about prioritising and I am no good at that. Really, I need a rocket up my arse to get me motivated. It is hard to do that when live on your own and most of your friends live about 20 to 30 miles away. I must fight the malaise!

Sunday I will be starting my training for a 40 mile hike I am doing for charity in July. I have no option to get out of this one. In a way, that is exactly what I need. The training gets harder and harder the closed you get to the hike, so I really do need to get motivated. I have no choice on this one!

I cannot seem to get my head straight. I know what I have to do, it is just a case of getting the impetus to do it. I need some stimulation to get me going, but I am having trouble finding it. All I seem to do is sit and hypothesise if and what and then I procrastinate about what to do. I just cannot seem to make a decisive plan of action about the way forward.

Now, I have not had an easy couple of years and the events that have occurred have pushed me to the very edge of my limits. This, in turn, has led me to question many aspects of my life; Past life events, Gender, Work, Relationships, Friendships and my own state of mind. Some I am now dealing with, which has pulled me back from the brink. Since the start of the year, things had been going well, but recently, I have lost my mojo. 

My alter ego has not been out to play recently either. The weather has not helped matters. The constant rain and wind since the start of the year have made me want to stay at home, especially over the past couple of weeks. It is at times like this, that I miss having someone to snuggle up to and keep warm in the evening. I want to do things, go places as my alter ego, but it all seems like a lot of effort and so I cannot be bothered. Then I get angry with myself for not doing the things I should and so the cycle continues. Even completing this blog seems like a chore. I know I have to make the effort though. One step at a time........

Hopefully I will be able to pull myself out of this malaise and continue the good work that I have started. I need to move forward and not backward. I have a lot to do this year and every second counts. 

Um. Not a word I like to use as it really annoys me, but Um. Um as in after a good start to the year I have reached an um stage.Six weeks of good progress are being undone by a period of inactivity on my part. It could be as a by product of the lead up to my birthday and the subsequent come down. I had a very good week off with lots of things done and lots of money spent. I was also looking forward to the counselling session as this was the start of the next stage of my life clean up (more later). However, I am now feeling quite flat.

Let me talk about the counselling. Well, it's not really proper face to face, lets talk things through counselling, but what they call CBT or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It is helping you construct strategies to deal with the issues you have. I have six fifty minute sessions spread over a six month period. To some people, that may not seem very helpful to have only six sessions over such a long space of time, but at least I am getting some help, thanks to the much maligned NHS. My first session mainly consisted of getting the issues out that I need to deal with - of which there are a few. Once we had got these into the open, we could then start to look at the ways in which I could start to deal with them. So, that is what I am now working on until my next session. Mainly the sleep issue (the lack of) and how I deal with other people.

I have had a bit of a cold the last couple of weeks which I cannot seem to shake off. That is not helping the situation. All I want to do is sleep or eat. I have got to try and find the gumption to move forward again and motivate myself.

The Gender conundrum still continues to taunt me. For the last month I have felt like the scales were swinging towards staying in the male body and becoming my alter ego for fun. However, the last week they have been swinging in the other direction again. I have a feeling that this is going to take a lot longer than a year to even just get my head around. It is turning into a bigger struggle than even I imagined.

Hopefully by getting some of my issues sorted through the CBT will make the path cleared. Fingers crossed.

It has been an eventful time since my last blog. Lots of things happening, lots of things to do. A fairly busy week this week, even though I am on holiday. People to see and places to be, or is that people to be and places to see............

The reason for a weeks holiday is the fact that it is my XX birthday (number withheld for your safety). I had a full week to take before the end of March and it seemed as good a time as any. It is a good job I am off this week as the whole moving situation has taken off this week. Had one viewing so far and liked the flat, so me and my friend agreed to take it. It is now up to the landlord to decide between us and another couple of people. Hopefully we will find out tomorrow. It is the perfect location for both of us - right on the beach and overlooking the sea. Perfection!

I have just spent my third weekend out on the trot. Drinks and a film at a friends a couple of weekends ago, Go-Karting and clubbing last weekend and a Monty Python marathon and curry this weekend. I am now poor until I get paid on Wednesday due to this plethora of socialising! Hey, I have enjoyed every minute of it. It has been totally worth it!

Tuesday. Another visit from her. A new look as well. Shoulder length curly blonde hair. I personally think it is a good look for her. No one else has given her an opinion yet. I think she wants to see what people think next weekend. She may be going to a mutual friends birthday drinks,but she is not sure yet. I am hoping her days of indecision are coming to an end. She really needs to get out and show herself to the world - in daylight anyway!

Even work is going OK. Had a good performance review, had some good feedback from other managers and I am missed from my old place of work. Must be doing something right. It is just a shame that the one person who can help my career is about as useful as a chocolate teapot.  I cannot really do any more to prove that I am capable of doing above and beyond the scope of my job roll. Ho Hum!

This will also be a good week for me to work on my gender conundrum. I have amassed a great deal of information to digest and a lot of questions to ask myself. I have had a lot of feedback from my friends - some positive and some negative. I have taken everything on board and hopefully I can clear the path ahead of me further. I will let you know how I fair later in the week.

I may have mentioned in my last blog that I had been moaned at for not blogging enough. I accept that the good friend who made the remark was only concerned about me and it was not a pointed remark. I hope they will accept my sincere apologies. I also must offer congratulations to a good friend of mine on the birth of her baby boy. A few weeks late and larger than anticipated, but both are doing well.

I am writing this whilst having two facebook conversations and one text message conversation. This sentence has so far taken me five minutes to write. This post will probably take me about two hours at this rate!! Last night was just as bad - three email conversations! At least it keeps me occupied and not watching the T.V.....

Resolutions...I am eating healthier, putting the past behind me and still working on who I want to be. With regard to the last one, I went to the gender group for the first time this year. As I have not been since November, I was a bit apprehensive about going. I knew I had to make the effort to go, as it is part of the process. Over Christmas, all I had was the flip side of the argument. Now it is time to broaden the argument again.

The feeling of isolation may also be coming to an end. The living situation will hopefully be progressing soon. The wheels are finally turning and there is now a light at the end of that particular tunnel. I feel lots of viewings coming up!

I went to my doctors last week and mentioned getting the wheels of transition started now. I have been told that the process is basically down to when they feel I am ready to be put forward to the psychiatrist. From that point, it usually takes about a year for the appointment to come through. So, if and when I decide to transition, I will have to wait even longer to start the process. I suppose I have waited 30+ years so a few more will not hurt.

I have been fairly busy socially, which has helped. Quizzes, take aways, Cake days (yum, yum!) and visiting family have kept me active. Go karting and birthday drinks this weekend and a curry on Monday are all being looked forward to. Just need to save my pennies now!

She really wanted to go out on Tuesday, but she felt that she wouldn't be accepted by the general public. She really wants to go out at some point this month - hopefully the opportunity will arise soon. Maybe next Tuesday - if she can muster up the courage to. I hope she will be around before next week. She needs to come out more.

It has taken me about an hour to write all this. I think it is time for a well earned cup of tea and then sort out the washing up. What an exciting life I lead!!

So, this is the first blog entry of the 2014. I know it has been a few days since my last blog entry and for that, I am sorry.

My last entry stated my resolutions. It is only 10 days into the new year, but I can say that so far I am just about following them. I am eating healthier and watching what I eat; I am trying to put the past behind me with regard to my marriage and I am still working on who I want to be. I am starting to feel like all three are interlinked and will ultimately determine my future. Only I can see to that.

With regard to everyday life, so far, it has been OK. I had a very enjoyable New Years Eve with some good friends, felt a little unwell, physically, for the first couple of days of 2014, been out a few times for drinks with friends, taken part in a pub quiz(which we won!!) and generally mooching about. Nothing out of the ordinary. Mentally, I am in a good place at the moment. Glad that Christmas and New year are out of the way and the promise of a new start for 2014. However, I am still taking it one day at a time. 

She finally came back round this week. I have not seen her since November. Tuesday was my day off and she invited herself round. I was good to see her again and it really helped my mood. She wants to go out more this year and I really hope she does. I think at least once a month if not more. I will be pleased if she comes round more often - invited or not!!

I have been moaned at for not blogging enough, so I will endeavour to blog more frequently. I expect as the changes to my life increase, so will the blogging. We will see this time next year if the changes are major or minor. I am going for major............