A complete curve ball - I have two posts planned to explain a). my absence from the blog and b). what has happened in the intervening period. However, I feel I must put up this short post today to share my feelings regarding the film 'The Danish Girl'.
It's a film I have wanted to see, given my current situation. I am lucky enough to have a very nice, independent (and cheap!) cinema showing it locally and at the idea of a friend, knowing I am on a weeks holiday, suggested we go and see it. The perfect opportunity. After purchasing our tickets and suitable refreshment (alcohol before 5pm, unheard of for me!), we took our seats.
Now, I know that the film isn't strictly faithful to the actual events - it is based on the book and the book has taken artistic license. To me, the film contains many scenarios to which I can relate to during my struggles with my alter ego. I found myself sympathising with the lead character, Lili Elbe watching the internal struggle to maintain an outward persona to those around her as a male when inside there is the real person trying to break free. The clandestine dressing up, the compulsion to mimic the gender you want to be, so as to appear as your actual gender.
I came out of the film with a refreshed mind as to the way forward from this week. The blurring of the lines between me 1.0 and me 2.0 and how I can achieve that in my day to day life. There are still many things I have to do to achieve my ultimate goal - it's not just the hormones or surgery; it's all the little things that have to be looked at as well. How you move, hold yourself, what you say and how you say it. Skincare, haircare, eating habits....the list is long and varied.
After my birthday - me 1.0's last hurrah - life will change once and for all. Me 2.0 will be the norm when invited out (wherever possible) unless me 1.0 is specifically asked. I'm having my ears pierced, growing my hair and taking better care of myself. I will practice and start to hold myself better, practice vocally so as not to sound as male and start to enhance my body through exercise and diet.
It will be very hard for some people to deal with these changes - namely my family - and I realise that they will be losing a son/brother/uncle who has been around for 39 years. All I can say is that the same person is still there, the same thoughts, feelings and memories. The vessel will be different -just in it's true form, the one currently inside me with those same thoughts, feelings and memories.
Thank you Lili Elbe - your story has inspired me to go forward with confidence and courage. Your story will stay with me for ever. x
