Ho hum. Not the best couple of weeks. It's been........difficult. It's been........hard to accept the situation. I have spoken to my mum, face to face. However, the contents of the conversation I will not divulge. This is out of respect to my family at this time. The subject of this blog did come up and the contents within. On this subject, I stand by everything I write in this blog and it is my mind at a given point in time. I'm not going to change how I write this blog in the same way I'm not going to change the way I live.
My life is, well, my life. I live it my way. I'm not perfect - far from it. I have my faults and some would say quite a few! They're probably right. I also have some good points. Others would also disagree with that statement as well!! I'm only human, albeit in the wrong body at the moment. I don't regret for one minute the decision I've made. I've spent years being unhappy and just going with the motions. I need to change the status quo and boy, have I!
Things will be very difficult as these past few weeks have shown. People will go out of my life and people will come into my life. Hopefully the people who matter will stay and the people who don't, won't. Your view on where you fit in is up to you. I know who is important to me. Work will be difficult, given the industry I'm in.A Predominately male industry, both working for and with. I fully expect not to be working there in two years time. I know I have legal protection and I will use it to the max. I will have to think about how I will support myself with all the cuts in benefits in the UK, it will be extremely difficult. I want to work. I don't like handouts of money (food is OK!) - I like to earn my own money and pay my own way.
Other than retail, I don't know much else. One of my good friends has suggested that I take a course in some form of massage. I will be looking into that and what else I fancy doing - I will need something to either fall back on/ take further should the need arise (which I think it will). I will hold out at my current job as long as is possible - I need the money!
My mental health will be the biggest concern. A combination of the above and many other factors can have a detrimental effect on mental health. I will admit, I am worried what will happen. I am at my strongest mentally at the moment at anytime in the past 4 years. Then events of the past few weeks are just a small indication of what is to come. Will I be able to cope with this on a regular/bigger basis? With the right support and help of the people who chose to stay in my life, I should be OK. It will be hard on those people as well - I apologise in advance and thank you all in advance.
I thank everyone who reads this blog and I especially thank those who have been and will continue to follow my journey. I also welcome any newcomers to the ride and hopefully I can count on your support as well. Next year will be a biggie. Watch this space..............;) xxxx
Wednesday 18 November 2015
Sunday 8 November 2015
The show must go on as they say, so normal service will be resumed. It's been a week of more downs than ups as you may have guessed if you read this blog on a regular basis. I have been hurting and I am very angry. The names I have been called have hurt and got me questioning whether I am some of those things. Am I too narcissistic? Am I a drama queen? Am I self obsessed? Am I a tightwad? I am questioning everything I say to people now, checking I'm not turning everything back to me. I'm paranoid that I don't spend enough on people now. Is this post too self obsessed? People don't realise how certain words can set off a chain of events that can affect people's everyday life.
Right, that's my (sort of) rant over. Life's too short and life goes on. Harsh, I know, but then that's the narcissist in me! So, before it all kicked off I was supposed to be going to a firework display with my family. Can you guess what happened? Of course, I was advised not to go. Luckily, after meeting with a close friend on Monday to put the world to rights over a few alcoholic beverages, an invite to a pub gig in a local county town was offered should the firework invite be rescinded.
At this point, I must also say a big thank you to everyone who has commented, posted on Facebook, listened to me, talked things over with me and generally kept me from brooding on the situation with dinner or drinks. It shows the depth of support that I have from my friends and their families. I love you all!!
At this point, I'm going to take over. The day after all this drama kicked off, Two of my good married friends basically said that we should go out and have a few quiet drinkies in the local city. So, after dolling myself up (mainly to make me feel better and to stick it to the world), we met up in the city and went for a drink and some food in a newly opened bar.It was very busy when we got there and although I didn't really think about it when we got there, there was something about the security staff that wasn't right.
Everytime the security staff walked past us, we were stared at. Even when we eventually got one of the booths to sit in, we were stared at. Personally, if anyone has a problem with me being me, that's their problem. I'm being true to me and in that respect that's all that matters. We ordered more drinks and some food. We ate and drank, but due to the amount of people and the DJ, it was becoming increasingly harder to talk to each other. We decided to leave and go to a new bar in another town, about 10 miles away.
That's when it all kicked off. Me and the husband (not mine!) left the booth and waited for his wife to catch up with us. As she was getting up to leave the booth, the security person barked at her to move but didn't leave her any room to move. As she eventually got out, someone going into the booth elbowed her in the back. Let's just say that, due to this and the general attitude of the security staff, the bar have offered us free food and drink and the security staff no longer work for them.
Fair dues to my friend. She works in retail and it is very stressful in the run up to Christmas. It was the last thing she needed that night and I think it just tipped her over the edge. We got the bus along the coast and went into a new bar they've found. Now, I've never been out in this town before and it can be a bit conservative. Given my general mood, I really didn't care. That, and the strong beer I'd already drunk! We went in and we had some more drinks and luckily, no drama. It was pretty uneventful. We got the bus home and I faded into the background again.
Now fast forward seven days. Friday night and the pub gig. Me 1.0 had managed to finish work early which gave me plenty of time to chill and get ready. A nice relaxing bath, a spot of beautification, a bit of slap and a few extras and I was ready. Now, I had the option of getting the bus to the train station or a 40 minute walk in heels. So, I chose the walk. My reasoning? I don't wear heels enough and I need to get some more practice. Little did I know how much punishment my feet would take through that evening!
This also meant that I had to walk through my local town, mid evening. With the mood I was still in, I didn't care. I felt right and if anyone wanted to stare, let them. The fact that I had three cars sound their horn at me whilst walking along only added to my confidence. Through the town I walked and then up to the station. Only, my train had been delayed. Typical. I sat down and waited. And waited. Eventually it pulled in and I got on. My friends met me a couple of stops up and we travelled in together. Once at the other end, my feet took another pounding. Walking uphill. I coped! We arrived at the pub and got our drinks. Once the music started we were on our feet, dancing and the music compelled us to stamp our feet. A lot. Quite a lot in fact! So much that my feet did hurt after about an hour and a half of stomping.
I didn't notice if anyone was looking at me. I was enjoying the music and the company. It was great fun and just what I needed. By the time the encore was over, we had just under ten minutes to catch our train. Our walk was about ten minutes. In normal shoes. I ran as fast as my feet could carry me and we missed the train by about 20 seconds. However, as the train times were all over the place we luckily didn't have to wait long for another. This meant that we had to change trains twice. As we were all getting off at different stations en route, we had to split at the second change. The friends I met originally got a taxi back as the next train to their station was going to be a while, whilst the third friend who had joined us waited with me whilst I waited. The perfect gentleman! We were chatting and the conversation turned quite deep and meaningful.
Now, I know that this friend has had and may still have, and I don't want to say issues, but reservations about the decision I have made and the alter ego I have. He has been incredibly supportive of me in his way. I really respect his opinion and it is good to have a devil's advocate to balance the views of the situation. We don't see each other that often, but it is good to talk when we do. I won't reveal the contents of the conversation, but a big thank you to him.
He departed the train at the next station, leaving me to travel onward alone. Which was pretty uneventful until I had to leave the train and walk to the bus stop. I truly understand how frightening it can be for lone females walking at night. I had a taxi driver drive past me at least 3 times, very slowly and then drive off and a man who kept walking past on the other side of the road at least twice, staring intently at me. I was glad when the bus arrived. On I got and to home I did go. My feet were on fire by this point and I was very tired. I'd had a brilliant evening in very good company and I was sad it had come to an end. I will be out again soon, you can be sure of that!!
There you have it. A mixed bag and lots for me to think about and digest. Things will be different now and I'm planning what changes I can do to make my transition easier and quicker prior to my appointment. Whatever happens, I'm resolute in my decision and my determination is stronger than ever. Keep smiling!! xxxx
Right, that's my (sort of) rant over. Life's too short and life goes on. Harsh, I know, but then that's the narcissist in me! So, before it all kicked off I was supposed to be going to a firework display with my family. Can you guess what happened? Of course, I was advised not to go. Luckily, after meeting with a close friend on Monday to put the world to rights over a few alcoholic beverages, an invite to a pub gig in a local county town was offered should the firework invite be rescinded.
At this point, I must also say a big thank you to everyone who has commented, posted on Facebook, listened to me, talked things over with me and generally kept me from brooding on the situation with dinner or drinks. It shows the depth of support that I have from my friends and their families. I love you all!!
At this point, I'm going to take over. The day after all this drama kicked off, Two of my good married friends basically said that we should go out and have a few quiet drinkies in the local city. So, after dolling myself up (mainly to make me feel better and to stick it to the world), we met up in the city and went for a drink and some food in a newly opened bar.It was very busy when we got there and although I didn't really think about it when we got there, there was something about the security staff that wasn't right.
Everytime the security staff walked past us, we were stared at. Even when we eventually got one of the booths to sit in, we were stared at. Personally, if anyone has a problem with me being me, that's their problem. I'm being true to me and in that respect that's all that matters. We ordered more drinks and some food. We ate and drank, but due to the amount of people and the DJ, it was becoming increasingly harder to talk to each other. We decided to leave and go to a new bar in another town, about 10 miles away.
That's when it all kicked off. Me and the husband (not mine!) left the booth and waited for his wife to catch up with us. As she was getting up to leave the booth, the security person barked at her to move but didn't leave her any room to move. As she eventually got out, someone going into the booth elbowed her in the back. Let's just say that, due to this and the general attitude of the security staff, the bar have offered us free food and drink and the security staff no longer work for them.
Fair dues to my friend. She works in retail and it is very stressful in the run up to Christmas. It was the last thing she needed that night and I think it just tipped her over the edge. We got the bus along the coast and went into a new bar they've found. Now, I've never been out in this town before and it can be a bit conservative. Given my general mood, I really didn't care. That, and the strong beer I'd already drunk! We went in and we had some more drinks and luckily, no drama. It was pretty uneventful. We got the bus home and I faded into the background again.
Now fast forward seven days. Friday night and the pub gig. Me 1.0 had managed to finish work early which gave me plenty of time to chill and get ready. A nice relaxing bath, a spot of beautification, a bit of slap and a few extras and I was ready. Now, I had the option of getting the bus to the train station or a 40 minute walk in heels. So, I chose the walk. My reasoning? I don't wear heels enough and I need to get some more practice. Little did I know how much punishment my feet would take through that evening!
This also meant that I had to walk through my local town, mid evening. With the mood I was still in, I didn't care. I felt right and if anyone wanted to stare, let them. The fact that I had three cars sound their horn at me whilst walking along only added to my confidence. Through the town I walked and then up to the station. Only, my train had been delayed. Typical. I sat down and waited. And waited. Eventually it pulled in and I got on. My friends met me a couple of stops up and we travelled in together. Once at the other end, my feet took another pounding. Walking uphill. I coped! We arrived at the pub and got our drinks. Once the music started we were on our feet, dancing and the music compelled us to stamp our feet. A lot. Quite a lot in fact! So much that my feet did hurt after about an hour and a half of stomping.
I didn't notice if anyone was looking at me. I was enjoying the music and the company. It was great fun and just what I needed. By the time the encore was over, we had just under ten minutes to catch our train. Our walk was about ten minutes. In normal shoes. I ran as fast as my feet could carry me and we missed the train by about 20 seconds. However, as the train times were all over the place we luckily didn't have to wait long for another. This meant that we had to change trains twice. As we were all getting off at different stations en route, we had to split at the second change. The friends I met originally got a taxi back as the next train to their station was going to be a while, whilst the third friend who had joined us waited with me whilst I waited. The perfect gentleman! We were chatting and the conversation turned quite deep and meaningful.
Now, I know that this friend has had and may still have, and I don't want to say issues, but reservations about the decision I have made and the alter ego I have. He has been incredibly supportive of me in his way. I really respect his opinion and it is good to have a devil's advocate to balance the views of the situation. We don't see each other that often, but it is good to talk when we do. I won't reveal the contents of the conversation, but a big thank you to him.
He departed the train at the next station, leaving me to travel onward alone. Which was pretty uneventful until I had to leave the train and walk to the bus stop. I truly understand how frightening it can be for lone females walking at night. I had a taxi driver drive past me at least 3 times, very slowly and then drive off and a man who kept walking past on the other side of the road at least twice, staring intently at me. I was glad when the bus arrived. On I got and to home I did go. My feet were on fire by this point and I was very tired. I'd had a brilliant evening in very good company and I was sad it had come to an end. I will be out again soon, you can be sure of that!!
There you have it. A mixed bag and lots for me to think about and digest. Things will be different now and I'm planning what changes I can do to make my transition easier and quicker prior to my appointment. Whatever happens, I'm resolute in my decision and my determination is stronger than ever. Keep smiling!! xxxx
Tuesday 3 November 2015
Dear Mum,
As I can't talk directly to you and as I know you've found this blog, I wanted to hopefully explain to you about my blog, how the posts have come about and to go over the events of my week off, of which I seem to have caused a great deal of upset and anger.
So, to start, the blog. The blog is a snapshot of the thoughts, hopes, dreams and events at a given time, on a given day. It is a way for me to convey how I'm feeling and what I've been up to, to my friends and to clear my mind so that the issues don't keep me awake at night. A lot of my sleep problems revolve around my gender issues. My release is this blog. People are welcome to comment on this blog, provided it's not abusive, defamatory, transphobic or any other major negative. If you don't agree with the blog, at least have a reasoned argument and an open mind and it can be discussed. You will notice that, other than London, no place names or people are named on this blog. It is completely anonymous. A lot of things are said in jest. People are just looking out for me - with the reference to my friends parents adopting me. It was said tongue in cheek. I have a family of my own.
As for my week off, yes, I had a girly day out on the Tuesday. I also had lunch Monday, went shopping on the Thursday and had a spa treatment on Friday. As for your birthday, I thought lunch, just you and me would be nice. If you weren't happy with the location, you should have said. Yes, perhaps I should have got you another present and I am sorry if you feel that the venue and lack of present showed little thought on my part. As for telling you my decision to tell you about my gender dysphoria, I have to say that you are to blame for that one. You asked if I was OK. I said yes. You then asked again, with an 'are you really?' context. If I'd have said yes, what would you have said? Would you have pushed it again? You knew something was up with me and it was the only chance for me to see you on your own without my stepdad present.
I didn't want to tell you on your birthday, but the situation you put me in gave me no option. So, for that, I'm not sorry as I have nothing to be sorry for. I understand that the combination of your birthday, learning that your oldest child feels uncomfortable in their own body and has decided for their own peace of mind to seek help in rectify that and your perception of the contents of my blog have upset you. Talk to me. We are both grown adults and can hopefully have a proper conversation without any anger or name calling.
I understand that it is a huge shock to you and that you may have problems with dealing with it. Please respect my decision, even if you don't accept it. I don't want to live a lie any longer. I just want to be me. I want you on my journey. You are my mum, my only parent and I love you. I have friends whose parents are dying and might not have much time left. I've already lost a father as he couldn't be bothered with me or my sister - I don't want us to go through the rest of our lives not speaking to each other. Life is short and life is precious. Please don't waste it.
I'm not sorry for living my life my way. I'm not sorry for being me. Since my divorce, I decided that for the first time since my early teens, that I need to look after myself for once. I have spent years looking out for other people - you after your divorce, my ex wife with her medical problems, all of my employers to try and gain respect and promotion, at the detriment of me. For the first time in my adult life, I am looking after me. I still look out for others - my family, friends and colleagues, but I need to focus on me and my issues. This issue was the final one to deal with and I have dealt with it.
It was very hurtful to be called a tightwad, drama queen, narcissistic, and self obsessed. No doubt you will class this blog post as at least three of those words. Maybe it is? Or maybe you need to look at yourself? As for being a tightwad, well, yes, I have always been careful with money. I don't like being in debt and have a fear of not having enough money to live. This stems from working 23 hours a week part time and then only having £60 a month to myself for going out, clothes, savings etc. I had no choice but to be careful with money. I'm proud of the fact that I've managed to fend for myself since the mid 1990's without borrowing from my family. Even with the money you've lent me now, you offered. I would have got a bank loan. Please don't open the box of my past. I have put a lot behind me and don't wish to revisit that part of my life. I want to move forward.
I hope you read this and can think rationally and calmly about its contents. I need as much support as I can through this process and you know that I will always support you wherever I can. Please don't let this be the end of the road for our relationship. We've been through a lot together as a family and I thought our bonds were stronger than ever.
You know how to contact me when you are ready.
All my love,
Dx
As I can't talk directly to you and as I know you've found this blog, I wanted to hopefully explain to you about my blog, how the posts have come about and to go over the events of my week off, of which I seem to have caused a great deal of upset and anger.
So, to start, the blog. The blog is a snapshot of the thoughts, hopes, dreams and events at a given time, on a given day. It is a way for me to convey how I'm feeling and what I've been up to, to my friends and to clear my mind so that the issues don't keep me awake at night. A lot of my sleep problems revolve around my gender issues. My release is this blog. People are welcome to comment on this blog, provided it's not abusive, defamatory, transphobic or any other major negative. If you don't agree with the blog, at least have a reasoned argument and an open mind and it can be discussed. You will notice that, other than London, no place names or people are named on this blog. It is completely anonymous. A lot of things are said in jest. People are just looking out for me - with the reference to my friends parents adopting me. It was said tongue in cheek. I have a family of my own.
As for my week off, yes, I had a girly day out on the Tuesday. I also had lunch Monday, went shopping on the Thursday and had a spa treatment on Friday. As for your birthday, I thought lunch, just you and me would be nice. If you weren't happy with the location, you should have said. Yes, perhaps I should have got you another present and I am sorry if you feel that the venue and lack of present showed little thought on my part. As for telling you my decision to tell you about my gender dysphoria, I have to say that you are to blame for that one. You asked if I was OK. I said yes. You then asked again, with an 'are you really?' context. If I'd have said yes, what would you have said? Would you have pushed it again? You knew something was up with me and it was the only chance for me to see you on your own without my stepdad present.
I didn't want to tell you on your birthday, but the situation you put me in gave me no option. So, for that, I'm not sorry as I have nothing to be sorry for. I understand that the combination of your birthday, learning that your oldest child feels uncomfortable in their own body and has decided for their own peace of mind to seek help in rectify that and your perception of the contents of my blog have upset you. Talk to me. We are both grown adults and can hopefully have a proper conversation without any anger or name calling.
I understand that it is a huge shock to you and that you may have problems with dealing with it. Please respect my decision, even if you don't accept it. I don't want to live a lie any longer. I just want to be me. I want you on my journey. You are my mum, my only parent and I love you. I have friends whose parents are dying and might not have much time left. I've already lost a father as he couldn't be bothered with me or my sister - I don't want us to go through the rest of our lives not speaking to each other. Life is short and life is precious. Please don't waste it.
I'm not sorry for living my life my way. I'm not sorry for being me. Since my divorce, I decided that for the first time since my early teens, that I need to look after myself for once. I have spent years looking out for other people - you after your divorce, my ex wife with her medical problems, all of my employers to try and gain respect and promotion, at the detriment of me. For the first time in my adult life, I am looking after me. I still look out for others - my family, friends and colleagues, but I need to focus on me and my issues. This issue was the final one to deal with and I have dealt with it.
It was very hurtful to be called a tightwad, drama queen, narcissistic, and self obsessed. No doubt you will class this blog post as at least three of those words. Maybe it is? Or maybe you need to look at yourself? As for being a tightwad, well, yes, I have always been careful with money. I don't like being in debt and have a fear of not having enough money to live. This stems from working 23 hours a week part time and then only having £60 a month to myself for going out, clothes, savings etc. I had no choice but to be careful with money. I'm proud of the fact that I've managed to fend for myself since the mid 1990's without borrowing from my family. Even with the money you've lent me now, you offered. I would have got a bank loan. Please don't open the box of my past. I have put a lot behind me and don't wish to revisit that part of my life. I want to move forward.
I hope you read this and can think rationally and calmly about its contents. I need as much support as I can through this process and you know that I will always support you wherever I can. Please don't let this be the end of the road for our relationship. We've been through a lot together as a family and I thought our bonds were stronger than ever.
You know how to contact me when you are ready.
All my love,
Dx
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