It is that time of year when people start to think about their New Year Resolutions. I usually make some, but, like most people, break them very quickly. I thought that 2014 might be different. Given the issues that I have and the time frame relating to those issues, I think a major overhaul of my life is in order and a couple of decent resolutions will help.

So, here are my resolutions for 2014:
Lose weight and become healthier. As I advance in age, I can feel the worries of the world taking it's toll. Time to start cutting out the pasties/pies/chocolate/crisps/convenience food that has become my staple diet and time to start moving my quietly growing belly and do some proper physical exercise. This is also a starting point should I want to transition - getting my body and mind in the best shape possible for any major changes.
Forget the past. I have been dwelling too much on the past recently. I am still hurting over my divorce - the situation surrounding it, my upbringing, my general lot in life. The counselling will help with that. Time to cut some of my ties with the past, be it people, places, possessions. 
Be who I want to be. The biggie. This is the year for deciding who I am and whom I want to be. The gender group and the counselling combined should help with this one. I was leaning to one side but after the festive period, the scales have evened up a little. I have also decided, with regard to this one, to dress more often as my alter ego, go out more often as my alter ego and later on in the year, try and live for a day or two as my alter ego. I also want to act more as the person who occupies my head - not what society dictates.

So, three little resolutions to implement next year. Should not be too difficult. Much.

Christmas. Christmas, Christmas, Christmas. I was not looking forward to it and now I am glad it is over. I did not put my decorations up, I did not do any extra food shopping and did most of my present shopping at the last minute. To be honest, I am glad it is over. I will be even better when 2013 is over.

I have had a good Christmas with my family and close friends - I just have bad memories of this time of year. Each year is getting better, but at present I just cannot get into the swing of it. I want to enjoy the season, I just cannot get into the spirit without anyone special to share it with. As a single person, it is a very lonely time of year, especially if you have no one to go to or come to you. I was lucky to be able to spend it with my family, many people are not.

Spending time with my family has got me thinking about my gender confusion. Some of the comments that have been said and the questions asked of me have given me even more to think about. I feel that it will be even harder to explain to my family now, should I decide to transition. The comments of 'This time next year you can bring your girlfriend' or 'Times getting on for you, isn't it' are not what I wanted to hear.

All I can hope for is a better 2014, not only for me but some of my friends as well. 2013 has not been a good year for me. Definitely a year to forget. 

I went out for a drink (well a cola as I was driving) with a close friend last night. In our own ways, we have both had a difficult couple of days. Mine is still my mental fragility, my friends is physically which is affecting her mentally. We chatted about our problems, how we are feeling and where our problems are coming from. Then my friend said something about this blog which got me thinking.....

This blog is intended to help me empty my mind of any thoughts that are affecting my life and sleep. Usually this means that the blog is full of frustration, negative thoughts and sadness. It is a reflection of my mental state at that time. My friend suggested that I start to write about some more positive aspects of my life. Start to include the good points as well as the bad ones. This would give me and the readers of this blog a more balanced view of the progress I am making through my issues and the (hopefully) more positive outcomes in the future. I am at the beginning of a long journey - I will have good days and I will have bad days.

So.....one piece of good news, is the phone call confirming my face to face counselling session. It is not until February, but at least I have a confirmed start date now. That is now another positive step in my progression forward. I have also decided on the changes I am going to make in the new year. I intend to lose weight and tone up, grow my hair, dress more as my alter ego - at home and when going out and increase my savings. These will all help me should I decide to transition. I have to change my mindset and I see this as a good way of achieving this.

The next few weeks will be hard to get through as Christmas is not the happiest time of year for me. I am trying to stay positive. I am wondering whether to put my decorations up or not. Only I am going to see them. It may make me feel better, it may not. Only time will tell. 

I am having trouble with my mind. It is up to it's old tricks again. It keeps going over the same subjects again and again. It is starting to affect my sleep again - waking up before the alarm and going over things again and again. There are two main subjects this time. One is wanting to cause my ex and the perpetrators of the divorce untold harm and the other is transitioning to female and being in a loving relationship. I have a long way to go before I may reach that stage regarding the transitioning, but the causing untold harm I will be able to deal with sooner. 

My physical health is a concern as well as my mental health at the moment. It is a catch 22 situation. One affects the other which affects the other. Round and round and round we go. I have had a bad bout of food poisoning, a bad head cold and general malaise. This has affected my mental health by me not wanting to socialise much and wanting to stay in. (I am supposed to be at a party tonight, but I am just not in the party mood). In the mornings I feel sick and dizzy and when I get home all I want to do is curl up in a ball and leave the world behind. Some days are better than others. Today is a mediocre day. 

I have been researching transitioning recently and getting an idea of what is involved and the initial steps I have to take. The road to transitioning is a long one - it could and probably will take many years, a lot of heartache and a lot of money. So, I have decided in the new year to make a few changes which will help me should I eventually decide to transition. These will also help me to improve my mental and physical health as well as providing a basis for any future changes. My mental health is going to come under a heavy burden should I transition. I have to be prepared for rejection - from friends and family, abuse - both verbal and physical, elation, hormonal changes, physical changes from being male to female and the challenge of transitioning in the workplace. My workplace has a high percentage of male customers and staff, some of whom will be OK and will accept and some of which I expect will not be able to accept it. Currently, I am in no fit state to cope with any of that, let alone make a coherent decision on transitioning.

I am hoping 2014 will be the year that I finally find out who I want to be, a year for improving my mental health and finally moving on from my past. I have a long road ahead of me to achieve that. It cannot be any worse than the last two years have been. I just want to feel loved again, held again and needed. Is that too much to ask?

Mixed emotions at the moment. I keep going over my marriage break up - not in a emotionally bad way, but in a 'I need to know why' way. I have been thinking a lot about the lead up to the split and what happened for my ex to suddenly drop the bombshell. We'd had a bad year, but we were working things out and we were planning for the future. We had been to marriage counselling and they had set us on the right path to improve our marriage.

The night before she told me, we were laughing and chatting and there was nothing out of the ordinary. We were living at her parents at the time, while we waited to buy a new flat. She went out with some friends for the evening and she was coming back about 12. I went for a drink with a friend and for a laugh, we would surprise her by meeting up with her. She took offence at this when I said I was coming to see her. So, I went home. She wasn't home by 12, so I text her. She said she would be home by 3am. 3am came and went, so I text her again. She said she would be home by 4am. Then at 4am, she text me to say she would not be home and she was saying with one of her friends. We had a text argument for a while until she did not answer, so I went to bed.

The next morning, There was a loud knock at the front door as she could not get in. Her parents double locked the door at night. I went to open it. She had a face like thunder, stormed up to the bedroom, took off her wedding rings and said she wanted a divorce. I did not see it coming. I have my suspicions and information as to what happened and the people involved in causing the break up, but I have no concrete proof. This was not her own decision and I know she told people that she did  not want a divorce. So, why? There is no chance of me asking her as from that point on, she avoided me like the plague. This is one bit of closure that I will never probably find, but I must find a way of dealing with it. My only crumb of hope is that she still cannot seem to get over the fact that I am still seeing most of our joint friends, whereas she has alienated most of them. 

I hope my upcoming counselling will help me to put this chapter behind me. This is the one issue that I have struggled with the most. The feeling of rejection - the bereavement of losing someone you loved hurts far more than anyone realises. The feeling that the one person you loved more that anything, can just toss you aside like a piece of rubbish and forget everything you shared together and erasing all traces of you out of their life, is a very hard one to deal with and for me, has not been a easy one to deal with and I am still not over it. I have nights where I want to kill her as painfully as possible, or make her suffer as much as she has made me suffer. I can only hope that karma comes back to haunt her in a major way and causes her lots of emotional distress. Is that the wrong thing to hope for? Probably, but that's my problem.

On a bit of a downer at the moment. It is a feeling of wanting to do something but knowing if you do it, it may be for the wrong reasons. Let me explain further......

The title of this blog is 'My struggle with my alter ego'. Since going to my doctor a few weeks ago, things have improved with regard to some of the issues that I have. However, this in itself seems to have created another problem with my alter ego. I was advised to visit a gender group in the local city, which I have twice now. There I have spoken to various people in various stages of transition and they have in turn given me numerous issues to think about, ie: Do I want kids? Am I prepared for the possible negative reaction from people? Am I prepared for the major upheaval that transitioning will create? With all these issues now occupying my brain as well, you can see my dilemma. 

The feelings of wanting to transition are growing day by day. I have dreams of being in a relationship as a female, being treated as a female, going out as a female. I am longing to be held tight, cuddled, caressed as a female. I am finding it harder to keep functioning and acting male at the moment. I feel like I am only acting male out of necessity and because I have to. The more I think about it, the more it gets me down. So by dealing with one problem, it is creating another.

I realise that I cannot make that kind of decision in my current state of mind. It is a major life changing event that cannot be reversed. It will require me being in a good state of mind and to have sorted out all the issues that I currently face. Some I can work on soon, some are mid term and one will be a long term issue that will be affected should I transition or not.  I am taking each day as it comes. Some are better than others. I need to try and deal with this somehow. How, well, I do not know as yet. Hopefully I will work it out. 

Well. What a week. Monday stated off OK. Looking forward to my course on Tuesday. Monday night, attack of the undercooked sausage. Food poisoning by my own fair hand. I cooked my dinner, ate it, felt fine for a few hours, then BAM!!  - instant food reappearance. Two hours later, early on Tuesday morning, with a very sore stomach, I could finally leave the bathroom. However, I could take in no fluid, as it would come straight back up. I could only wet my lips. 

I do not remember much of Tuesday. I spent most of it asleep, once I could finally get to sleep. Only woke up to use the toilet or try and have a drink of water. I finally arose from my sick bed, for any length of time, at about 10am on Wednesday morning. I ached from head to toe. I could hardly move. Even a hot shower could not free up the joints enough. Had to try to, had to go and get some basic foods that I could actually digest. Namely bread and digestive biscuits.

After quickly going shopping and coming back for lightly buttered toast and a glass of orange squash, I felt vaguely human again. I then received a text from one of my friends, to whom my ex wife had decided to have a go at in the local hypermarket where I used to live. I do not know the full details of what happened - I am due to find out this weekend, but if it is true, I find that disappointing, to say the least. I expected more from her. The sad thing is, she was also with her sister, who has supposedly made comments about the parentage of my friends daughter. I cannot make any judgements until I have spoken to both parties (but that will not include my ex), but it is an unacceptable thing to do.

This, unfortunately, has been playing on my mind over the past few days. Affecting my sleep and making me dream and imagine the death of everyone around me, at my own hands. It is annoying that this is still happening, even after all this time. 

Thursday, on the whole, was a very positive day. I was scheduled to have a telephone consultation with a counsellor with regard to my mental health issues. After a 40 minute consultation, I am being recommended for face to face counselling. Which is exactly what I wanted. Another piece of the long term jigsaw is falling into place. This should help me work through the issues other than my gender. 

New dress!! New dress!! New dress!! She received a new dress today. A simple black dress with a red decoration around the neck. She hasn't tried it on yet, but I think she will on Sunday. If all goes to plan next week, she should be going out on Tuesday night. She won't have a lot of time to get ready, so she is a bit nervous. 

It is going to be a long week, next week. Six days at work, with supposedly no lunch breaks. Hmmm, we will see.

This week has been better. Slowly getting more issues sorted in my mind with regard to the gender debate. The bad feelings have subsided this week, although today I have been a bit on the down side. 

I went to the gender group again this week. It was very helpful. I have thought long and hard about the issues raised last week and got the chance to talk about some of those this week. The feelings inside me are gaining momentum at the moment. I am dreaming of transitioning and becoming female. I am dreaming of being in a loving relationship with someone who cares for me deeply. Someone who will hold me in their arms, love me, caress me, and look after me. I think that as I have not felt that for so long, that is my ideal outcome. I have to be realistic about any outcome, otherwise it may set me back again in the future.

However, I am not in any fit state to make a decision at the moment. It will be a life changing decision, whatever I decide. As long as I make the right decision and regain my confidence.......

It has been a long week for me. Six days of work; boring work. The atmosphere has been better this week. There is a faint flicker of enjoyment again. Only very faint, mind. I am on a course this week for a couple of days. A chance to have a meal and hotel stay on my company. Plus a few drinks. It will be nice to have a change of scenery, even if it is to do with work.

I have a telephone consultation regarding my counselling this week. This is to determine whether I need full counselling or not. The wonders of the NHS. I know I need to talk to someone other than my friends (who I am so lucky to have); who is removed from my situation and the problems it has created. We will see how that turns out. If I don't get any counselling, it will be a major setback. As I cannot take any medication for the depression, this is my way of dealing with my feelings and issues.

She has been invited out next week. A meal in Brighton. All week she has been wondering what to wear. I think she wants a new outfit. She is complaining that she hasn't got anything to wear. Her wardrobe is getting bigger than mine! She says that she wants to try a different look, but isn't sure what look to go for. I think it will depend on what money she has. I know it is a bit tight on the financial front at the moment, so I think she will be going bargain hunting. More shopping!!

I have a quiet week, this week. Not a lot planned on the social front. I have a couple of friends coming over on Wednesday for a drink, which I am looking forward to. Other than that, my diary is empty. In a way, I am glad and in a way, I am sad. I need the time to try and gain the enthusiasm to make changes to my life but need people around to give my the impetus to do them. 

My emotions are confusing me at the moment. After having an alcoholic Saturday night with good friends (my first in ages), a kind friend putting me up afterwards and a visit to my family, I was a very happy person. After coming home, I decided to put on the TV and started to watch an american sitcom. One of the main characters had just buried their dad (not the usual sitcom fair) and the scene was very moving and sad. I started to cry. The tears just welled up and started to run down my face. No rhyme or reason. Whether it was a subconscious reaction or not, I just do not know. I must be honest, I am feeling more emotional recently. Anger, hate, sadness, happiness, contentment - I do not know from one hour to the next how I am going to feel.

Gender group again tomorrow. Only my second meeting. I will not be able to go again for a few weeks - work commitments. I also wanted to go as Danielle tomorrow, but I won't be able to. No time to get ready as I can only leave work at two. By the time I have got home, changed and back out to the local city, it will be about three thirty. I am going to try and go on a weekly basis and I am lucky that my employer is going to try and accommodate my Tuesday meeting as part of my rota.

I have started to think about all the issues involved in transitioning. The list is not exhaustive, only the tip of the iceberg, but there is plenty to think about. Some of the major issues are at the start. Telling friends and family. This is a crucial time. This will set the tone for the whole transition. The whole of my support network will be determined on the acceptance of my decision. Could I cope with rejection? I know I have a good number of close friends who will support me whatever I decide, but I know I have family members who will not and will not want to understand. I have a lot to think about as well as my other issues to deal with. I will deal with it all, one piece at a time.

I do not know when she will be back around. She doesn't seem to have any freetime coming up. It does make me sad. I enjoy her being around. She makes me feel alive. I know that I can be natural around her. 
She would love to come round more, that I do know. I think we need to make more time for each other. I think at least once a week, we should meet up. I know it would be good for me. I feel loved when she is near. She knows exactly where I am coming from. She has seen me at my best and my worse. 

Luckily, I have a quiet week. A time to recuperate, relax and put some actions into place. A time to make some positive changes and changes to suit me. My appearance being one. What form they are going to take......you will have to wait and see!!

It's been a week of ups and downs, luckily more ups than downs.
The situation at work on Monday was dealt with. I have calmed down about that one for the time being. My manager popped into the branch on Wednesday, so he now knows how I feel. Everything at work has been OK until this morning. Let me explain..............
On Monday, I spoke to my colleague about using my early day hour, to come in late on Friday. I was going to a gig in the local city and that would mean that I could go, stay out and still get a decent nights sleep - something which has been sadly lacking recently. We spoke and I said that I would add the hour to it that I had not taken a couple of weeks ago. That made two hours, meaning that I would be in at ten o'clock.
Nine o'clock this morning, I get a text message. 'U coming to work?', then 'Hello?' as I had not answered within the prerequisite time period that colleague had desired. This then descended into a text slanging match between us, basically saying that I had only been allocated one hour this week and I am not the boss and to wind my neck in. So I was wrong and my colleague was right. Given the state of my mind recently, this was not a good option of hers to attack me. So, I fought back. I answered all of their texts with mostly reasoned arguments and was not backing down. If they had forgotten about it, that's their problem, not mine. This is also the same colleague that told me to get over what had happened on Monday - so that's what I told them. They could not really answer that. I think that they expected me to back down and apologise, but I, in my mind, had done nothing wrong.

The thing is, this is the first morning where I'd had a decent nights sleep, had not had any acid indigestion and had not felt sick. I was feeling really good for once. Then, the text message came. The sickness and acid indigestion came back. I thought, why am I feeling like this. I'm right and they are wrong. The wonders of the human mind.

The rest of the week has been positive. Tuesday, my day off, was my chance to visit the gender group in the local city. I took my friend for moral support. I was very nervous - I did not know what to expect. My heart was pounding as we approached the centre where the group was meeting. I did not need to worry. They were all very approachable. I chatted to people at all stages of transition, sharing their experiences, the facilitator who explained my options, things I had to think about and what my next steps were. The psychotherapist also had a quick chat with me to see where my head was and why I had come.

I came away with a head full of new information, lots of things that I need to think about if I were to transition and an invite to the next meal the group have. I now have to try and get Tuesday afternoons or Tuesday as my day off, so I can go to the group. I can go as myself or as my alter ego.

She has been in my thoughts this week. I have not been able to see her this week. In a way, it hurts that she has not been here, but I understand that she can be a little shy and has her own life. She has an invite to a meal with a new group. I think she is looking forward to it. She has mentioned shopping for a new outfit to go to the meal, so I think I will be joining her on her search for the perfect outfit. I think it will depend on the financial situation.I know she is nervous about meeting the new group, as I was. I think she will be OK. They seem a very accepting group of people.

Thursday evening was also very good. Went with two very good friends to a gig in the local city, as I mentioned above. We saw three bands; one was OK, the other two were excellent. I must admit that I enjoyed the second act more than the main act!! I think the knowledge of a lie in and the good music contributed to my good mood.

Tomorrow evening should also be good. Being able to have a decent drink without having to drive is a good feeling. I can let my hair down for the first time in ages. Good drink and good friends - a recipe for a good, if drunken night!!

Everything was going well until a text message arrived this evening. Now, I want to maim my branch manager or at least spear him with a sharpened extension pole.
Let me explain. This blog is charting my struggles within. Gender is one aspect of my current fragile mental state, the other being work. After being told that I could not apply for the two jobs that were my next step - without any real reasons why, I have been questioning my worth at work. That, coupled with basically being taken advantage of by my area manager, my branch managers lack of getting even the basics right and his inability to pass on the minimum of info needed to run the branch in his absence mean that I feel physically sick - and often am - before I even go to work.

The text message. Monday the 11th of November 2013. My branch manager is on holiday for a week. The new full timer has her day off. I am in, as is the full timer due on maternity leave. The full timer has a dentist appointment tomorrow, mid morning. My branch manager knew this on Friday. We had a discussion regarding my feelings about work and how I have to babysit him as he forgets to do things that he should be doing - the basics. HE FORGETS TO TELL ME THAT I WILL BE ON MY OWN MONDAY AND DOES NOT GET ME ANY COVER!!!! I think that constitutes a basic. It is one of a long line of problems that I have to clear up that he has created. Hence now you can see why I want to maim him.

I need her to be here with me. These feelings of anger, violence and hatred can only be dissipated by her. I must make time for her this week. I am going to have to ask an enormous amount of her this week. This week is going to be an extreme test of my sanity and I am not hopeful. She may be the only one to stop me from going over the edge.

Two days away from the cause of this weeks problems, combined with an increase in sleep, has helped me to recover from Wednesdays issues. After having a panic attack on Wednesday night/Thursday morning (insomnia reared it's ugly head again), I knew I could not put myself through the situation. I needed sleep to be able to even start to deal with the situation. I could not look at it objectively and needed to have a clearer head.

I still feel low, scared and just want to stay in the comfort of my own home. I still just want to pull the duvet around me and want the world to go away. I did manage to pull myself out to a friends birthday gathering at the local dog racing track. Four close friends, some fast food and even breaking even on my bets did help my mood. It was good to see a group of friendly faces and have a laugh. I almost did not get there at all. After two major incidents on the local roads - the main roads to get from where I live to the track, the jams were huge. Luckily, I know the back roads fairly well, combined with my sense of direction (I have not lost that skill, yet), I managed to get there just in time.

She has been invited out next week. To a gig in the local city with some friends. It will depend on timing. She's not the quickest at getting ready. It takes her a bit longer than most girls to get ready. She doesn't go out often and although she is getting quicker, she still cannot get it any quicker! She hopes she can go - she enjoys going out and enjoys dressing up and making herself look good. It gives her such a thrill to try new things. I enjoy it when she comes out. After so long without seeing her, I am really enjoying her company and help in this very difficult struggle I am facing.

Going out for a drink with a good friend tonight. He has been through some of the problems I have been through recently and can see where I'm coming from. It will be good to talk to him.

Meh. After a good few days, one of which she came out for, today has been a crappy day. I'm tired, fed up, cannot be bothered with it anymore.

I'm off of work for one day and I find that my boss needs more babysitting than the new member of staff. Useless is an understatement. I understand that he has had a distressing incident in this life recently and I have to make compromises due to that fact, but, when my boss cannot even get the basics right, I have to shovel up the crap he leaves behind. Coupled with the fact that I am extremely tired, feel crap and generally don't want to get up in the morning, the day wasn't off to a good start.

What tipped me over the edge today, was the fact that we had a delivery in this morning at about 10.30 am. I had to cash up and go to the bank before 11 am as a member of staff (an experienced one at that) had a midwife appointment at 2pm, so she had to leave by 1pm. This meant that we were able to fit two lunch breaks in before 1.
I come back from my lunch to find out that the delivery had not been checked off and that we were due to receive our biggest delivery of the week from our main depot. I know the staff had not been busy as I had been in the store for most of my break. So, given my current situation, I snapped. 
Now, my way of dealing with it, involves sarcasm and the throwing of inanimate objects. So that is what happened. The experienced member of staff should know that the delivery needs to be checked off. This experienced member of staff has also been very good to me over the past 18 months and knows of my current situation. We have always said what happens in work stays in work. I found out this afternoon that she has unfriended me on Facebook and has basically cut all contact with me. Now, I have had to make compromises for her pregnancy and other requests, but she was unwilling to make any compromises for my situation. She is a selfish individual at times and really only wants what she wants. In a way, I am pleased that we have no contact and in a way I am sad. She has been good to me, but cannot see things from any other perspective than her own. I fear for her unborn child. I'm sure she will be a good mother, but fear for the lack of compassion that may be instilled into it.

I also had to pay £98 for the privilege of signing a new one year lease on my flat. A crap day all round.
Tomorrow, I am supposed to be going on a First Aid refresher course. I can't face it. I just can't deal with practicals and assessments. I can't concentrate as it is and I really don't want to go. All I want to do is curl up in my duvet and hope the world goes away.

She came out last night. A friends birthday do in Brighton. A meal and bowling. She looked good, if a little slutty. Long blonde hair, short black dress with a hint of cleavage, teamed with knee high boots. She got a few glances but she seemed to like it. She was good bowling as well. First in the first game and second in the second game. The dress was a little too short for bowling though!! Her legs looked stunning though!! She really didn't want it to end. Alas, she had to come home and her short visit was over.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day. I can only hope it is. It can't get any worse, surely?

No blog for a few days, Sorry!! What with visitors and trips to the cinema (to see a play?) there just hasn't been time.

How am I? Well, I am having periods of self doubt, periods of anger, periods of feeling worthless. I don't like it. I am not used to it. I can't get used to having so many feelings in such a short space of time. That makes things worse. I am not feeling as low as I did last week, but I still have a long way to go.

I was lucky enough to have a friend visit my humble abode on Wednesday. We were meant to go out for a drink, but we spent about four hours just talking. We talked about anything and everything. We talked about my problems, their problems and our histories. It was very therapeutic and it was good to share things with someone as sympathetic as this person is. They are also having their own issues at the moment, so it was good to be able to share thoughts and help each other.

Last night, I went to the cinema to see a National Theatre production of Frankenstein at the local multiplex with a couple of friends. Benedict Cumberbatch as the monster and Jonny Lee Millar as Victor. It was a very good production and the performances were amazing. Afterwards, we went for dinner. On the way there, I had a revelation. It was something one of my friends said and it flicked a switch in my overworked brain. I asked my self this question : Why does everyone who I should love, like my Mum, Dad and now ex wife hurt me and not show me any love? Why do the people who should be the closest to me treat me this way? To go as long as I have and not realise that fact is beyond me. It does hurt. It hurts that everyone who I have been close to has rejected me. Am I that bad a person? What am I doing wrong? Why do people do this to me? 

Today, I am meeting a friend for lunch, and hopefully visiting a couple of people. Tonight, I am cat sitting for a friend, so I can escape the confines of my abode for a few hours. They say a change is as good as a rest.

The weekend has been busy enough to take my mind off of the real world problems that I face. A time for (non) alcoholic merriment, meeting up with old friends, increasing my culture quotient and flexing my bowling arm. Coupled with the counselling of a couple of close friends, this has given me brief respite from the turmoil within.

The depth of support from those around me has filled me with an increasing confidence and vigour. Today has been a good day. I have felt calm and peaceful. Sleep has been an issue, with the wind and rain last night, but I'm not letting it get to me. What's the use? I will just wind myself up more and feel a lot worse for it. I am going to try and get an early night tonight. However, as is the norm around here, my body has just woken up.

I'm seeing her twice in the next few weeks. Partying on Saturday and at a birthday party next week. She is going bowling - I don't think she has ever been before. I know she's nervous. She is scared in a way. Even though she has been out in public before, this is a different situation for her. No low lighting to shield her. No large group to hide behind. This is the stark reality of her new life.

Tomorrow is another day. What wonders will it hold? Hopefully a positive day. That is all I can hope and ask for.

How am I feeling today? Tired (no change there then!), hungry and a little apprehensive. After the positives of yesterday, today has left me a little flat.

The reality of work - or rather the usual problems with my employer - are still all too real. To be honest, I would rather be concentrating on trying to unravel the web of anxieties, doubts and confusion smothering my poor, overworked brain. I know it's not going to change anytime soon, but it is still a major part of my current psychological condition.

Hunger - can't explain it. I have been hungry all day. Have made a nice curry for dinner. All by myself as well :)

Apprehension. I have booked a day off to go to the gender group. I am scared of going. I know like minded people will be there, but my inner voice is saying 'they are going to laugh at you; make fun of you'. I know they won't. I know they are there to help. It is scary to think this could herald a major change in my life. My world as it is now - although a lot different to to years ago, could be turned on it's head once again. 

I need her to visit again. It's hard to find the time at the moment. This week has been busy, the weekend is busy and next week is busy. She is supposed to visit next weekend and we should be going out with some friends. I hope so. We need a good catch up. I always feel so much better when she has been. She understands my fears, problems and issues and somehow, if only for a while, makes them disappear.
I hate seeing her go, leaving me after another fleeting visit.  But, that is part of the problem. When she's gone, all the problems reappear. Do I want her to stay permanently, or should I deal with my problems first and see what happens? 

Why is life so hard? I can deal and have dealt with a lot of the issues that have appeared over the years, but I've finally run out of steam. I'm hoping, that by starting to recognise the issues involved and by dealing with them, one by one, I can recover. My journey is just starting......

Today has been a day of positives. Hopefully, there is a light appearing at the end, albeit, at the end of a very long tunnel. It's now up to me to make sure I can reach that light and move on with my life, whoever that may be.
Finally, there is some movement on my personal development at work. I have been asked, by my area manager, what training I think I need to be able to move up to the next level. I have four weeks to work out what I need and to let him know. Whether or not anything comes of it, is another question. However, I now have a glimmer of hope. I will still keep looking outside of my current employer as I feel that it  is a little bit of 'Too little, Too late' on my behalf.
Now to my internal struggle. I have been to see my doctor today. I explained to them my past feelings since my parents divorce and the break up of my relationship last year and my current feelings of gender confusion - the blurring of the lines between her and me, my lack of sleep and my work issues. The diagnosis - mild depression. 
The treatment - they have referred me counselling for the depression. As for the gender confusion, they have given me the address of a drop in centre in the local city. They want to see me again in four weeks to see how I'm getting on.
Now it's up to me on the gender confusion - I will have to wait for the referral to come through for the depression. I'm glad I have so many good friends round me. I will never be able to thank them enough for their help and support. 

It's been a daily struggle recently. These feelings inside me have been growing and growing and they are starting to affect my views on who I should be.
She was part of my life when my parents split. She helped me to get through the hurt and anger that I felt at the time. She was my escape from my unhappy world, created by my parents and my peers.

She came and went over the course of the next 8 years, usually when I felt low or unloved. She made me feel special and wanted, loved and needed. She would only allow me to see her - she felt self conscious and said she only felt comfortable with me.

Then love came into my life and she left me alone. The visits became less and less frequent, until she I stopped seeing her completely. She could see I was in love and understood that we could not see each other anymore.

Love then dealt me a near fatal blow. I was sideswiped by an event that shattered my love and left me bereft of ideas and a sense of belonging. That was when she reappeared into my life, bold as brass. Time had made her braver and she was more sure of herself. I was glad of her presence around me - she helped me to recover from the hurt and pain of losing my love and helped me to rebuild my shattered confidence. I confided in her, reached out to her and eventually, started to fall in love with her.

Now, she has become an integral part of my world and I couldn't imagine life without her - that is now the problem I am facing. I can't live without her.