Feeling very deflated this evening. After the initial euphoria of telling my mum last week about my Gender Dysphoria, the first major negative has reared it's ugly head. Let me explain. After work, I decided to visit my mum, just to say hello and catch up. A soon as she opened the door, I realised that I was, for want of a better phrase, 'Persona non grata'. The welcome was decidedly frosty. I asked if she was alright and received a very curt 'Yes'. I'd taken up an information pack for her to read and I handed it to her. It was snatched away and put somewhere.

I think the enormity of the situation as sunk in. I think she's in the 'Anger' stage. Whatever I said, there was a sarcastic reply given. I was chatting to my stepdad and if I made a comment about something, there was the sarcasm. After about an hour of this, I'd had enough, made my excuses and left. The door was slammed shut behind me.

Now, I know that this is only the start of, and the first real negativity that I WILL experience. The trouble is, when it comes from your own family, it's harder to deal with. I know she will be going through the stages of grief - Shock, Guilt, Pain, Anger etc and I realise that it may take time for her to accept that this is my decision, even if she doesn't accept that it is happening or accepts me as I am. I haven't spoken to my sister yet, so I have no idea how she's feeling. 

I keep telling myself that I'm strong enough to cope with the adverse reactions that I will come across and I probably am. However, when it actually happens, it's still a big body blow and I am hurting. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and tell myself that it's all going to be OK. I didn't see my family for a long time due to circumstances and I don't want to lose them again. I have the most amazing friends who I know will always be there for me and some of their parents will adopt me if my family do disown me, but it still hurts and I really want their acceptance.

I can't help the way I feel and I don't want to live a lie any longer. Yes, I may become selfish over the next few years, but that will be due to issues like this. I have to look after number one. Society will place obstacles in my way, people will try to make my life difficult and my own body will create it's own issues. I will become determined. My friends all know that I will always be there for them, whatever is happening and essentially I will be the same person inside. The vessel will be more coherent with my mind, but my ideals, likes, loves, feelings will all be the same. I still hurt in the same way, the same way my mum is probably hurting now. My love for my family won't change. I will still be a child, sibling, cousin, Human Being. 

I'll give it another week and try again. I'll pick myself up and carry on, but it'll be in the back of my mind. Apologies to my friends if I am a little subdued or don't feel like going out. I may need a little me time. And perhaps a glass of wine/beer/cup of tea. And chocolate, definitely chocolate. xxxx

Finally, a week off. A well earned holiday after a whirlwind couple of months. Except, I am booked to do something almost every day. I'm going back to work for a rest!! Really, it has been nice to not just sit at home and bore myself stupid watching daytime TV and get out and see people/do things.

For the first three days, Lunch has been the order of the day. Monday, Lunch with my very close friend - my purveyor of all things of a beauty nature; Tuesday was lunch with my singer friend - an ardent supporter from the start and today was with my mum for her birthday. I actually have a free day tomorrow - Yay! - and on Friday I have a spa treatment in Old London Town, half price courtesy of my Monday lunch friend. So a pretty hectic week.

Now, as I have some time off, it is a good chance for me 2.0 to be out and about. Which is exactly what happened on Tuesday. The lunch was arranged last week, with me deciding on the location/venue. So, I chose a place halfway between our 2 locations and a fairly innocuous venue (a chain Italian restaurant). Me 2.0 will explain further........We hadn't had a proper catch up for ages and it felt like the right time to have a girlie day out. I originally thought that we would met at my friends place, not knowing that they had an ulterior motive.

So after getting ready, it was time to go. Off to the car I went and off I drove. Now, I was going to a town I'd been to before but under the cover of darkness. This time would be under the full glare of daylight. I wasn't particularly nervous as I know that I would have to do this anyway in the future. This was also part of my friends ulterior motive - to get me out in public. I parked up, paid and then went for a wander around town as I was early. I think I got a few stares and double takes but I wasn't really taking any notice. I was just happy to be out as me. 

The next step was getting a table in the restaurant. In I walked and after waiting for a few minutes, was approached by a waiter. I asked for a table for two and was shown to a table (pretty boring stuff, but important to me). The fact is I was treated just like anyone else, which is exactly as it should be. Also the fact that I didn't really feel nervous is testament to the confidence that has grown over the past year in how I present myself and how I perceive myself.

My friend came in and we chatted and chatted and chatted and eventually ordered food. Then we chatted some more. I felt totally at ease, was told I looked good and have a good old chinwag and update. The food was good too! After what we thought was an hour was actually two (there was a lot to talk about!), we decided after we'd topped up our parking, we would have a mooch around the charity shops. I wasn't expecting to find anything, but I came away with a long skirt and a dress. (Pictures below). My friend was also trying to create a style that would go with her style of music. A touch of glamour and class, but comfortable at the same time. They found a lovely beaded top in one shop and a dress that could be, with minimal adjustment, perfect.

I think I've been pencilled in to help with the styling. Which I think is also a good confidence boost to me that they have confidence in my abilities. Hopefully! As for the whole day, it all felt, well, right. It felt natural. I felt like me. I didn't really want it to end. It was a proper girlie day out - lunch, a gossip and shopping. We both said that we have to do it again. Hopefully soon! However all too soon it was over and the journey back to being me 1.0 had begun. I hope it's not too long until I'm out again! 

As for today, well it didn't really turn out as expected. As you may know, I really needed to tell my mum about my decision. To be honest, actually getting my mum on her own has been, well, difficult. I didn't want to tell her today as it was her birthday. Let me start at the beginning. I had arranged to take my mum to lunch as her birthday treat. So, I picked her up from work and we went to a local Garden Centre which has a reputation for doing good food. So we sat down and ordered our food and then the fatal question was asked; 'So how are you, really?'. So, after a little explanation, I told her the truth. I am Transgender. I have Gender Dysphoria.

Now, I don't think the full enormity of the situation as completely sunk in yet, but I think that from her initial reaction, that I have her support. She is obviously upset about losing a son, which is understandable. She gave birth to a son. She said that she wasn't surprised and I knew she thought something wasn't right. We spent the next hour talking about the implications of my decision on not only me, but the family, work and everyone else around me. Luckily she works in the medical profession and has some insight into the process I will be going through. 

One person that came up was my sister. We both agreed that I had to tell her sooner rather than later otherwise she would get a bit narked that my mum knew and she didn't! Luckily, the perfect opportunity arose once I had taken my mum home. My sister was there already. My stepdad was out and she was there on her own. There was the usual banter and I mentioned the fact that I had a spa treatment in London on Friday. Her comment was; 'There's something strange about you.' I stopped for a second and said to her; 'I have something to tell you. Come and sit down.' She didn't think I was being serious However, a combination of me and my mum persuaded her to do as she was told.

She sat down and I said to her the following; 'How do you feel about having an older sister?'. A stunned look crossed her face. Then I started to tell her my decision and it finally dawned on her. Her reaction - laughter. Again, I don't think the gravity of the situation has fully sunk in yet. Only time will tell. From my point of view, it's a huge weight off of my mind. A major hurdle overcome. One of many yet to come. As long as I can keep smiling, keep strong and keep my confidence, I should be OK. Plus the love of my friends and family - that will be absolutely crucial.

A quick midweek update on my appointment with the Local Mental Health team. The verdict.........(drumroll please).......I HAVE MY REFERRAL!!!!!!!!!!!! WooHoo!!!! To say I'm happy is an understatement! :):):)

I was very apprehensive before going into the appointment as I didn't know what to expect, the reactions I would receive or if I'd even get a referral. Luckily for me, the doctor had worked at the Local GIC (Gender Identity Clinic) for a number of years. This gave them a greater understanding of what I was going through and what questions to ask with regard to an initial diagnosis. There were lots of questions about my childhood, teenage years, marriage, family and much, much more. 

The doctor was very thorough and explained to me the processes involved in changing gender. Real life experience, hormone therapy, what the protocol is for the treatment. Luckily, a friend of a friend, a Female to Male transgender, emailed me a copy of the NHS protocol for the, and I hate the word, treatment of transgender patients. This had given me a good insight into what to expect and the some of the timescales involved. It's not going to be a quick process - I reckon about 5 years at least. 

One good thing is that I frequently go out as me 2.0 in a variety of situations. When you start the Real Life Experience(RLE), you have to demonstrate that you have been through various experiences, ie: Work, family gatherings, social gatherings etc as your chosen gender. I have deliberately put myself into certain situations as I realise that I would have to go through them on my own as part of the RLE. Situations like getting a bus, train, walking through my local town, shopping etc. It's all well and good in a group of people, but I will need to tackle a lot of situations on my own.

The outcome was that they had no hesitation in referring me to the GIC because as far as they could see, I was Gender Dysphoric. The relief I felt at that point was instant and heart warming. The journey was finally starting. The doctor was going to write up the notes and I have to have a blood test, for Lipids, Cholesterol and Testosterone. Provided that here are no major issues with the blood test, I shall wait for that letter of referral - which will probably be sometime early next year. The waiting game now starts in earnest.........