Another day, another sense of failure. I am my own worst enemy - I have known that for quite a long time. Even after the admission in my last blog, I still have not been able to make any progress. Even I am boring myself with this one.

Procrastination. I am very good at that. Always have been and probably always will be. I will think about that and let you know. I am full of good ideas, able to plan the ideas out and how to achieve them, just not able to execute them. I expect it is all about prioritising and I am no good at that. Really, I need a rocket up my arse to get me motivated. It is hard to do that when live on your own and most of your friends live about 20 to 30 miles away. I must fight the malaise!

Sunday I will be starting my training for a 40 mile hike I am doing for charity in July. I have no option to get out of this one. In a way, that is exactly what I need. The training gets harder and harder the closed you get to the hike, so I really do need to get motivated. I have no choice on this one!

I cannot seem to get my head straight. I know what I have to do, it is just a case of getting the impetus to do it. I need some stimulation to get me going, but I am having trouble finding it. All I seem to do is sit and hypothesise if and what and then I procrastinate about what to do. I just cannot seem to make a decisive plan of action about the way forward.

Now, I have not had an easy couple of years and the events that have occurred have pushed me to the very edge of my limits. This, in turn, has led me to question many aspects of my life; Past life events, Gender, Work, Relationships, Friendships and my own state of mind. Some I am now dealing with, which has pulled me back from the brink. Since the start of the year, things had been going well, but recently, I have lost my mojo. 

My alter ego has not been out to play recently either. The weather has not helped matters. The constant rain and wind since the start of the year have made me want to stay at home, especially over the past couple of weeks. It is at times like this, that I miss having someone to snuggle up to and keep warm in the evening. I want to do things, go places as my alter ego, but it all seems like a lot of effort and so I cannot be bothered. Then I get angry with myself for not doing the things I should and so the cycle continues. Even completing this blog seems like a chore. I know I have to make the effort though. One step at a time........

Hopefully I will be able to pull myself out of this malaise and continue the good work that I have started. I need to move forward and not backward. I have a lot to do this year and every second counts. 

Um. Not a word I like to use as it really annoys me, but Um. Um as in after a good start to the year I have reached an um stage.Six weeks of good progress are being undone by a period of inactivity on my part. It could be as a by product of the lead up to my birthday and the subsequent come down. I had a very good week off with lots of things done and lots of money spent. I was also looking forward to the counselling session as this was the start of the next stage of my life clean up (more later). However, I am now feeling quite flat.

Let me talk about the counselling. Well, it's not really proper face to face, lets talk things through counselling, but what they call CBT or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It is helping you construct strategies to deal with the issues you have. I have six fifty minute sessions spread over a six month period. To some people, that may not seem very helpful to have only six sessions over such a long space of time, but at least I am getting some help, thanks to the much maligned NHS. My first session mainly consisted of getting the issues out that I need to deal with - of which there are a few. Once we had got these into the open, we could then start to look at the ways in which I could start to deal with them. So, that is what I am now working on until my next session. Mainly the sleep issue (the lack of) and how I deal with other people.

I have had a bit of a cold the last couple of weeks which I cannot seem to shake off. That is not helping the situation. All I want to do is sleep or eat. I have got to try and find the gumption to move forward again and motivate myself.

The Gender conundrum still continues to taunt me. For the last month I have felt like the scales were swinging towards staying in the male body and becoming my alter ego for fun. However, the last week they have been swinging in the other direction again. I have a feeling that this is going to take a lot longer than a year to even just get my head around. It is turning into a bigger struggle than even I imagined.

Hopefully by getting some of my issues sorted through the CBT will make the path cleared. Fingers crossed.