Attention. Any member of my family attempting to read this post, please return to your home page. The contents of the post are a snapshot of my life and how I live my life. All thoughts and feelings are my own and any information that could link this post to any of you in any way has been negated. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Another week from hell? You betcha! So, I've had family problems, we all know that. This week, it has reached the lowest point. I have basically been disowned by my family. This is due to a combination of my decision, the timing of the announcement and the opening up of old wounds that, perhaps, should have been left well alone. I'm not going to shirk my share of the blame for the last part, or the timing of the announcement, but no one else is innocent. 

Through this blog, you only get my perspective of the issues involved. In my mind and wherever possible, I try to get both sides of the story to make an informed decision. This will be difficult for 100% of the readers of this blog as you do not know my family and probably never will. How you view the events, thoughts, feelings and general shenanigans of this blog is up to you. It's a snapshot of me, my life and how I see things. Nothing more, nothing less.

So, what now? Given my feelings of loneliness recently, this is a major setback. It hasn't affected my decision and it will make it easier in some respects. However, the lack of family support does hurt. I know I've had two years to get to this point, whereas they have only had a couple of months. I'm hoping that, given time, they will come round and if not be a major part of my life again, at least be there for me. I'm not going close the door. It will always be open.

Now time for some more upbeat news and events. I had a letter from the Gender Identity Clinic (GIC), inviting me to a new patient workshop. This workshop aims to give the attendees information so we can be as prepared as possible and have progressed as much as we can before our first appointment. First question - can I get the day off of work without alerting my employer? Luckily I had one day of holiday left, so it was duly booked. So I sent the attendance form back and will now wait for the workshop. Things are beginning to move forward, albeit very, very slowly. 

I have also been asked to be a member of the local NHS (National Health Service) Partnership Trust. I'm presuming that this is to add to their cross-section of the community and another box ticked. (Perhaps I am being too cynical?) In any case, it will allow me to have a say on certain issues in the community, mainly mental health ones. We'll see.

What does this week hold? Crimbo shopping, the free meal & drinks owed from the local bar with the dodgy door staff, Games night, some minor religious festival and a birthday party. Busy, busy, busy...........!!

Not much from me this time. However, I have had good evening out and I have gained a few more board games out of it! The Secret Santa Soiree. I had to work the morning of the do, so couldn't have a relaxing morning to chill out. I had intended to get some stuff ready the night before, but me 1,0 was having family issues so wasn't really in the mood. So, after work, battle commenced. A couple of hours later, this vision emerged......ME! It's getting easier to get ready now, I have a routine which at the moment, seems to run very well. There is still time to be saved, but until hormonal changes occur, I can only do what I can do.

I was ready, but earlier than I thought. An hour earlier than I thought. Um.......what could I do for an hour? Play dress up! So I tried a few outfit combinations and a couple of the wigs I haven't worn in a while and had a bit of fun. after about 4 outfits, I got ready to go again. I was going to get the train as the venue was near a train station, in a local town. I got my heels on and walked to the station. Another 30 minutes in heels. All good practice and now I have calves of steel! Shock horror, I walked through the local town again and got on a train. A busy train. 

It was only two stops long and off I got. Through the busy station and onto my destination, which this year I found without too much trouble. I was the first one there. I was slightly nervous as I hadn't met some of the people who were going. The friends who had arranged the night have been really supportive. In fact, one of the phrases used by one of the friends has stuck with me and I used it when I saw the Mental Health doctor recently. It still resonates with me now and it is true. 

A glass of wine was appropriated, rose of course and I started to relax. Once everyone else arrived, I felt fine and natural. We played games, one of which I am going to have to buy, ate some fabulous food, had a few drinks and the purpose of the evening, Secret Santa. Given the situation, there wasn't any time to hand out names, so we were asked to buy a present, up to a certain value, that we could give anyone. I'd bought a Yodelling Flamingo - which went down very well. I got a set of 6 board games, in a wooden box and a game of charades, which, given the time of year, will come in very handy! 

Then, before we knew it, it was time to go home. I'd had an excellent time, felt relaxed and thoroughly enjoyed myself. I was offered a lift back with another close friend and his girlfriend -which I was grateful for as I didn't fancy a long walk which either form of public transport would have given me! Once home, it was time for the pumpkin, aka me 1.0 to reappear. Well, me 1.0 is a bit round and orange..............! xx

Cheeky mare! Round, perhaps, Orange? Milky white normally, even in the height of summer. Another week beckons. A better week? Who knows. Only time will tell. 

I think, in the back of my mind, the situation with my family might be affecting me. Who am I kidding, it's affecting me big time. Now, I'm not a big fan of this time of year. Bad things generally happen to me in December and this year is no different (except it happened in November and has impacted on December). I have no Christmas spirit left. I am devoid of any cheer and I can't wait for new year. 

I know there are others in the world who are worse off than me. I am physically OK, have a stable job and a place to live. Mentally......well, let's move on. I have friends who have physical conditions that either require surgery, hospital visits, doctors appointments or just medication to keep going. They suffer with pain if not daily, on a regular basis. My only physical problems cause my mental problems. I can't imagine what these people go through on a regular basis and I am in awe of the mental strength they possess. You know who you are and I would help you in any way I can. You just need to ask. :)

I must also admit that I am jealous, as most have a partner to support them through their bad times. I have been feeling lonely recently, especially with the family problems. My friends are great and are really supportive and I wouldn't change them for anything, but I do feel like I am becoming a burden sometimes and feel guilty for going on about my problems. This is where the jealousy comes in, as I have no one to offload onto when I get home.

Given the time of year with families getting together, being with loved ones and being full of festive cheer, you can see why I'm not feeling it. I'm facing the fact that I probably won't be in a serious relationship for quite a few years yet and that when I finally start dating again, it won't be easy. Far from it. I am lonely. I want someone to cuddle up to and make the world go away, to hold me and tell me everything is going to be fine. Instead, it's usually me, a cup of tea and insomnia from the thoughts cascading through my mind every night.

I keep saying to myself that next year will be different. Things are going to get better. I will be the real me. I hope it will be better. 2016 is the real year of change. It's up to me. Only I can change things, can't I? 

Things have been, um, quiet recently. Where have I been recently? Well, Christmas dinner last Sunday. I had been invited to Christmas dinner at a restaurant in the local town. This would be a real test for me, as I would be going into town, in daylight, on a Sunday afternoon. Scared - maybe a little, but not much. Scared of being seen by someone I knew? Nope. Scared of falling over in my heels? Yep!

So, after beautifying myself - a task in itself - and spending a few, let's say minutes choosing my outfit, I was ready. I was going to walk into town as It's not too far. I did get a few looks but whether they were good or bad I didn't notice. I didn't really care(unless they were good!). The restaurant was fairly busy when we arrived and got progressively busier throughout the afternoon. It was a nice intimate group of people to spend some quality time with. Some very close friends and a couple I hadn't really met before. The conversation flowed as did the wine and the whole meal was a very pleasant way to spend a Sunday afternoon. The food was good as well!

We stayed about 2 and a half hours in total. It just flew by. Then I had to face the walk back through town. OMG! It was just the same as walking into town. Uneventful. Then it was back to normality and the rest of the day was spent on housework. Boo!

So then we roll forward to Tuesday. A day off. I had booked a makeup lesson at MAC in my local city. My very good shopping friend had suggested it a long time ago and as she had a day off, we decided that I should book one for that day. I had asked to go over the basics, like foundation, concealer and contouring. I decided to try a different look; a combination of me 1.0 and me 2.0. I can't go around wearing wigs and lots of padding all the time, so it was more of an androgynous look.

Skinny jeans (with the special underwear and lightly padded panties), a long sleeve top with a push up bra, hairband and fitted jacket. No make up. I was more nervous about going out without the mask of makeup and a wig, than going out in full me 2.0 mode. I was more recognisable, I suppose. Deep breath taken and out into the world I went. I met my friend on the bus and off to the local city we did travel.

We started just mooching about and it became apparent that neither of us were into shopping. We drifted into some shops and were pretty uninspired. So off to MAC we went. We were slightly early, so we had a walk around the shop and spent, mentally, lots of money. Luckily, we started the lesson early. The teacher was very good. She asked a load of questions which I answered and she chose the products she thought were appropriate. She explained what each product did, how it was applied and why she'd chosen it. The 30 min lesson turned into about 45 mins in total and I ended up with a very natural look, which was my aim. It felt light, but covered all the areas it needed to and it definitely gave me lots to think about and lots I want to buy!

It was worth it and I will probably go back for lessons on the eyes in the new year. It's all part of my learning curve and I will be putting the lessons into practice soon. We were both hungry after the lesson, so we went for food and alcohol. We decided to have one last push and at least buy something. I bought my secret Santa prezzie, my Christmas jumper and some socks, so it wasn't totally wasted! We'd had enough by then, so we headed back to my friends for tea. I was a bit disappointed that I didn't get much crimbo shopping done, but I have bought some online since. After a well earned cuppa, I headed back home and defrocked back into humdrum world.

I have a secret Santa soiree this weekend, which I am really looking forward to. It will be good to see some people who I haven't seen for a while, but have been very supportive and are an inspiration. A well needed catch up. Details next week! xx

There is also the issue of a family event this weekend. I have had to cancel an event with friends for it - hopefully it will be worth it. We'll see. If it helps the cause - so be it. If not, I can't see things getting better anytime soon. It may be their last chance to see me as I am now. Next year will see a lot of physical changes and I probably won't look the same this time next year. It hurts me that this may be the case, but it does make the process easier. I may sound harsh when I say that, but it's the truth. It's hard on all of us. 

Ho hum. Not the best couple of weeks. It's been........difficult. It's been........hard to accept the situation. I have spoken to my mum, face to face. However, the contents of the conversation I will not divulge. This is out of respect to my family at this time. The subject of this blog did come up and the contents within. On this subject, I stand by everything I write in this blog and it is my mind at a given point in time. I'm not going to change how I write this blog in the same way I'm not going to change the way I live.

My life is, well, my life. I live it my way. I'm not perfect - far from it. I have my faults and some would say quite a few! They're probably right. I also have some good points. Others would also disagree with that statement as well!! I'm only human, albeit in the wrong body at the moment. I don't regret for one minute the decision I've made. I've spent years being unhappy and just going with the motions. I need to change the status quo and boy, have I!

Things will be very difficult as these past few weeks have shown. People will go out of my life and people will come into my life. Hopefully the people who matter will stay and the people who don't, won't. Your view on where you fit in is up to you. I know who is important to me. Work will be difficult, given the industry I'm in.A  Predominately male industry, both working for and with. I fully expect not to be working there in two years time. I know I have legal protection and I will use it to the max. I will have to think about how I will support myself with all the cuts in benefits in the UK, it will be extremely difficult. I want to work. I don't like handouts of money (food is OK!) - I like to earn my own money and pay my own way. 

Other than retail, I don't know much else. One of my good friends has suggested that I take a course in some form of massage. I will be looking into that and what else I fancy doing - I will need something to either fall back on/ take further should the need arise (which I think it will). I will hold out at my current job as long as is possible - I need the money!

My mental health will be the biggest concern. A combination of the above and many other factors can have a detrimental effect on mental health. I will admit, I am worried what will happen. I am at my strongest mentally at the moment at anytime in the past 4 years. Then events of the past few weeks are just a small indication of what is to come. Will I be able to cope with this on a regular/bigger basis? With the right support and help of the people who chose to stay in my life, I should be OK. It will be hard on those people as well - I apologise in advance and thank you all in advance.

I thank everyone who reads this blog and I especially thank those who have been and will continue to follow my journey. I also welcome any newcomers to the ride and hopefully I can count on your support as well. Next year will be a biggie. Watch this space..............;) xxxx

The show must go on as they say, so normal service will be resumed. It's been a week of more downs than ups as you may have guessed if you read this blog on a regular basis. I have been hurting and I am very angry. The names I have been called have hurt and got me questioning whether I am some of those things. Am I too narcissistic? Am I a drama queen? Am I self obsessed? Am I a tightwad? I am questioning everything I say to people now, checking I'm not turning everything back to me. I'm paranoid that I don't spend enough on people now. Is this post too self obsessed? People don't realise how certain words can set off a chain of events that can affect people's everyday life.

Right, that's my (sort of) rant over. Life's too short and life goes on. Harsh, I know, but then that's the narcissist in me! So, before it all kicked off I was supposed to be going to a firework display with my family. Can you guess what happened? Of course, I was advised not to go. Luckily, after meeting with a close friend on Monday to put the world to rights over a few alcoholic beverages, an invite to a pub gig in a local county town was offered should the firework invite be rescinded.

At this point, I must also say a big thank you to everyone who has commented, posted on Facebook, listened to me, talked things over with me and generally kept me from brooding on the situation with dinner or drinks. It shows the depth of support that I have from my friends and their families. I love you all!!

At this point, I'm going to take over. The day after all this drama kicked off, Two of my good married friends basically said that we should go out and have a few quiet drinkies in the local city. So, after dolling myself up (mainly to make me feel better and to stick it to the world), we met up in the city and went for a drink and some food in a newly opened bar.It was very busy when we got there and although I didn't really think about it when we got there, there was something about the security staff that wasn't right. 

Everytime the security staff walked past us, we were stared at. Even when we eventually got one of the booths to sit in, we were stared at. Personally, if anyone has a problem with me being me, that's their problem. I'm being true to me and in that respect that's all that matters. We ordered more drinks and some food. We ate and drank, but due to the amount of people and the DJ, it was becoming increasingly harder to talk to each other. We decided to leave and go to a new bar in another town, about 10 miles away. 

That's when it all kicked off. Me and the husband (not mine!) left the booth and waited for his wife to catch up with us. As she was getting up to leave the booth, the security person barked at her to move but didn't leave her any room to move. As she eventually got out, someone going into the booth elbowed her in the back. Let's just say that, due to this and the general attitude of the security staff, the bar have offered us free food and drink and the security staff no longer work for them.

Fair dues to my friend. She works in retail and it is very stressful in the run up to Christmas. It was the last thing she needed that night and I think it just tipped her over the edge. We got the bus along the coast and went into a new bar they've found. Now, I've never been out in this town before and it can be a bit conservative. Given my general mood, I really didn't care. That, and the strong beer I'd already drunk! We went in and we had some more drinks and luckily, no drama. It was pretty uneventful. We got the bus home and I faded into the background again.

Now fast forward seven days. Friday night and the pub gig. Me 1.0 had managed to finish work early which gave me plenty of time to chill and get ready. A nice relaxing bath, a spot of beautification, a bit of slap and a few extras and I was ready. Now, I had the option of getting the bus to the train station or a 40 minute walk in heels. So, I chose the walk. My reasoning? I don't wear heels enough and I need to get some more practice. Little did I know how much punishment my feet would take through that evening!

This also meant that I had to walk through my local town, mid evening. With the mood I was still in, I didn't care. I felt right and if anyone wanted to stare, let them. The fact that I had three cars sound their horn at me whilst walking along only added to my confidence. Through the town I walked and then up to the station. Only, my train had been delayed. Typical. I sat down and waited. And waited. Eventually it pulled in and I got on. My friends met me a couple of stops up and we travelled in together. Once at the other end, my feet took another pounding. Walking uphill. I coped! We arrived at the pub and got our drinks. Once the music started we were on our feet, dancing and the music compelled us to stamp our feet. A lot. Quite a lot in fact! So much that my feet did hurt after about an hour and a half of stomping.

I didn't notice if anyone was looking at me. I was enjoying the music and the company. It was great fun and just what I needed. By the time the encore was over, we had just under ten minutes to catch our train. Our walk was about ten minutes. In normal shoes. I ran as fast as my feet could carry me and we missed the train by about 20 seconds. However, as the train times were all over the place we luckily didn't have to wait long for another. This meant that we had to change trains twice. As we were all getting off at different stations en route, we had to split at the second change. The friends I met originally got a taxi back as the next train to their station was going to be a while, whilst the third friend who had joined us waited with me whilst I waited. The perfect gentleman! We were chatting and the conversation turned quite deep and meaningful. 

Now, I know that this friend has had and may still have, and I don't want to say issues, but reservations about the decision I have made and the alter ego I have. He has been incredibly supportive of me in his way. I really respect his opinion and it is good to have a devil's advocate to balance the views of the situation. We don't see each other that often, but it is good to talk when we do. I won't reveal the contents of the conversation, but a big thank you to him.

He departed the train at the next station, leaving me to travel onward alone. Which was pretty uneventful until I had to leave the train and walk to the bus stop. I truly understand how frightening it can be for lone females walking at night. I had a taxi driver drive past me at least 3 times, very slowly and then drive off and a man who kept walking past on the other side of the road at least twice, staring intently at me. I was glad when the bus arrived. On I got and to home I did go. My feet were on fire by this point and I was very tired. I'd had a brilliant evening in very good company and I was sad it had come to an end. I will be out again soon, you can be sure of that!!

There you have it. A mixed bag and lots for me to think about and digest. Things will be different now and I'm planning what changes I can do to make my transition easier and quicker prior to my appointment. Whatever happens, I'm resolute in my decision and my determination is stronger than ever. Keep smiling!! xxxx

Dear Mum,

As I can't talk directly to you and as I know you've found this blog, I wanted to hopefully explain to you about my blog, how the posts have come about and to go over the events of my week off, of which I seem to have caused a great deal of upset and anger.

So, to start, the blog. The blog is a snapshot of the thoughts, hopes, dreams and events at a given time, on a given day. It is a way for me to convey how I'm feeling and what I've been up to, to my friends and to clear my mind so that the issues don't keep me awake at night. A lot of my sleep problems revolve around my gender issues. My release is this blog. People are welcome to comment on this blog, provided it's not abusive, defamatory, transphobic or any other major negative. If you don't agree with the blog, at least have a reasoned argument and an open mind and it can be discussed. You will notice that, other than London, no place names or people are named on this blog. It is completely anonymous. A lot of things are said in jest. People are just looking out for me - with the reference to my friends parents adopting me. It was said tongue in cheek. I have a family of my own.

As for my week off, yes, I had a girly day out on the Tuesday. I also had lunch Monday, went shopping on the Thursday and had a spa treatment on Friday. As for your birthday, I thought lunch, just you and me would be nice. If you weren't happy with the location, you should have said. Yes, perhaps I should have got you another present and I am sorry if you feel that the venue and lack of present showed little thought on my part. As for telling you my decision to tell you about my gender dysphoria, I have to say that you are to blame for that one. You asked if I was OK. I said yes. You then asked again, with an 'are you really?' context. If I'd have said yes, what would you have said? Would you have pushed it again? You knew something was up with me and it was the only chance for me to see you on your own without my stepdad present.

I didn't want to tell you on your birthday, but the situation you put me in gave me no option. So, for that, I'm not sorry as I have nothing to be sorry for. I understand that the combination of your birthday, learning that your oldest child feels uncomfortable in their own body and has decided for their own peace of mind to seek help in rectify that and your perception of the contents of my blog have upset you. Talk to me. We are both grown adults and can hopefully have a proper conversation without any anger or name calling. 

I understand that it is a huge shock to you and that you may have problems with dealing with it. Please respect my decision, even if you don't accept it. I don't want to live a lie any longer. I just want to be me. I want you on my journey. You are my mum, my only parent and I love you. I have friends whose parents are dying and might not have much time left. I've already lost a father as he couldn't be bothered with me or my sister - I don't want us to go through the rest of our lives not speaking to each other. Life is short and life is precious. Please don't waste it.

I'm not sorry for living my life my way. I'm not sorry for being me. Since my divorce, I decided that for the first time since my early teens, that I need to look after myself for once. I have spent years looking out for other people - you after your divorce, my ex wife with her medical problems, all of my employers to try and gain respect and promotion, at the detriment of me. For the first time in my adult life, I am looking after me. I still look out for others - my family, friends and colleagues, but I need to focus on me and my issues. This issue was the final one to deal with and I have dealt with it. 

It was very hurtful to be called a tightwad, drama queen, narcissistic, and self obsessed. No doubt you will class this blog post as at least three of those words. Maybe it is? Or maybe you need to look at yourself? As for being a tightwad, well, yes, I have always been careful with money. I don't like being in debt and have a fear of not having enough money to live. This stems from working 23 hours a week part time and then only having £60 a month to myself for going out, clothes, savings etc. I had no choice but to be careful with money. I'm proud of the fact that I've managed to fend for myself since the mid 1990's without borrowing from my family. Even with the money you've lent me now, you offered. I would have got a bank loan. Please don't open the box of my past. I have put a lot behind me and don't wish to revisit that part of my life. I want to move forward.

I hope you read this and can think rationally and calmly about its contents. I need as much support as I can through this process and you know that I will always support you wherever I can. Please don't let this be the end of the road for our relationship. We've been through a lot together as a family and I thought our bonds were stronger than ever. 

You know how to contact me when you are ready.

All my love,
Dx

Feeling very deflated this evening. After the initial euphoria of telling my mum last week about my Gender Dysphoria, the first major negative has reared it's ugly head. Let me explain. After work, I decided to visit my mum, just to say hello and catch up. A soon as she opened the door, I realised that I was, for want of a better phrase, 'Persona non grata'. The welcome was decidedly frosty. I asked if she was alright and received a very curt 'Yes'. I'd taken up an information pack for her to read and I handed it to her. It was snatched away and put somewhere.

I think the enormity of the situation as sunk in. I think she's in the 'Anger' stage. Whatever I said, there was a sarcastic reply given. I was chatting to my stepdad and if I made a comment about something, there was the sarcasm. After about an hour of this, I'd had enough, made my excuses and left. The door was slammed shut behind me.

Now, I know that this is only the start of, and the first real negativity that I WILL experience. The trouble is, when it comes from your own family, it's harder to deal with. I know she will be going through the stages of grief - Shock, Guilt, Pain, Anger etc and I realise that it may take time for her to accept that this is my decision, even if she doesn't accept that it is happening or accepts me as I am. I haven't spoken to my sister yet, so I have no idea how she's feeling. 

I keep telling myself that I'm strong enough to cope with the adverse reactions that I will come across and I probably am. However, when it actually happens, it's still a big body blow and I am hurting. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and tell myself that it's all going to be OK. I didn't see my family for a long time due to circumstances and I don't want to lose them again. I have the most amazing friends who I know will always be there for me and some of their parents will adopt me if my family do disown me, but it still hurts and I really want their acceptance.

I can't help the way I feel and I don't want to live a lie any longer. Yes, I may become selfish over the next few years, but that will be due to issues like this. I have to look after number one. Society will place obstacles in my way, people will try to make my life difficult and my own body will create it's own issues. I will become determined. My friends all know that I will always be there for them, whatever is happening and essentially I will be the same person inside. The vessel will be more coherent with my mind, but my ideals, likes, loves, feelings will all be the same. I still hurt in the same way, the same way my mum is probably hurting now. My love for my family won't change. I will still be a child, sibling, cousin, Human Being. 

I'll give it another week and try again. I'll pick myself up and carry on, but it'll be in the back of my mind. Apologies to my friends if I am a little subdued or don't feel like going out. I may need a little me time. And perhaps a glass of wine/beer/cup of tea. And chocolate, definitely chocolate. xxxx

Finally, a week off. A well earned holiday after a whirlwind couple of months. Except, I am booked to do something almost every day. I'm going back to work for a rest!! Really, it has been nice to not just sit at home and bore myself stupid watching daytime TV and get out and see people/do things.

For the first three days, Lunch has been the order of the day. Monday, Lunch with my very close friend - my purveyor of all things of a beauty nature; Tuesday was lunch with my singer friend - an ardent supporter from the start and today was with my mum for her birthday. I actually have a free day tomorrow - Yay! - and on Friday I have a spa treatment in Old London Town, half price courtesy of my Monday lunch friend. So a pretty hectic week.

Now, as I have some time off, it is a good chance for me 2.0 to be out and about. Which is exactly what happened on Tuesday. The lunch was arranged last week, with me deciding on the location/venue. So, I chose a place halfway between our 2 locations and a fairly innocuous venue (a chain Italian restaurant). Me 2.0 will explain further........We hadn't had a proper catch up for ages and it felt like the right time to have a girlie day out. I originally thought that we would met at my friends place, not knowing that they had an ulterior motive.

So after getting ready, it was time to go. Off to the car I went and off I drove. Now, I was going to a town I'd been to before but under the cover of darkness. This time would be under the full glare of daylight. I wasn't particularly nervous as I know that I would have to do this anyway in the future. This was also part of my friends ulterior motive - to get me out in public. I parked up, paid and then went for a wander around town as I was early. I think I got a few stares and double takes but I wasn't really taking any notice. I was just happy to be out as me. 

The next step was getting a table in the restaurant. In I walked and after waiting for a few minutes, was approached by a waiter. I asked for a table for two and was shown to a table (pretty boring stuff, but important to me). The fact is I was treated just like anyone else, which is exactly as it should be. Also the fact that I didn't really feel nervous is testament to the confidence that has grown over the past year in how I present myself and how I perceive myself.

My friend came in and we chatted and chatted and chatted and eventually ordered food. Then we chatted some more. I felt totally at ease, was told I looked good and have a good old chinwag and update. The food was good too! After what we thought was an hour was actually two (there was a lot to talk about!), we decided after we'd topped up our parking, we would have a mooch around the charity shops. I wasn't expecting to find anything, but I came away with a long skirt and a dress. (Pictures below). My friend was also trying to create a style that would go with her style of music. A touch of glamour and class, but comfortable at the same time. They found a lovely beaded top in one shop and a dress that could be, with minimal adjustment, perfect.

I think I've been pencilled in to help with the styling. Which I think is also a good confidence boost to me that they have confidence in my abilities. Hopefully! As for the whole day, it all felt, well, right. It felt natural. I felt like me. I didn't really want it to end. It was a proper girlie day out - lunch, a gossip and shopping. We both said that we have to do it again. Hopefully soon! However all too soon it was over and the journey back to being me 1.0 had begun. I hope it's not too long until I'm out again! 

As for today, well it didn't really turn out as expected. As you may know, I really needed to tell my mum about my decision. To be honest, actually getting my mum on her own has been, well, difficult. I didn't want to tell her today as it was her birthday. Let me start at the beginning. I had arranged to take my mum to lunch as her birthday treat. So, I picked her up from work and we went to a local Garden Centre which has a reputation for doing good food. So we sat down and ordered our food and then the fatal question was asked; 'So how are you, really?'. So, after a little explanation, I told her the truth. I am Transgender. I have Gender Dysphoria.

Now, I don't think the full enormity of the situation as completely sunk in yet, but I think that from her initial reaction, that I have her support. She is obviously upset about losing a son, which is understandable. She gave birth to a son. She said that she wasn't surprised and I knew she thought something wasn't right. We spent the next hour talking about the implications of my decision on not only me, but the family, work and everyone else around me. Luckily she works in the medical profession and has some insight into the process I will be going through. 

One person that came up was my sister. We both agreed that I had to tell her sooner rather than later otherwise she would get a bit narked that my mum knew and she didn't! Luckily, the perfect opportunity arose once I had taken my mum home. My sister was there already. My stepdad was out and she was there on her own. There was the usual banter and I mentioned the fact that I had a spa treatment in London on Friday. Her comment was; 'There's something strange about you.' I stopped for a second and said to her; 'I have something to tell you. Come and sit down.' She didn't think I was being serious However, a combination of me and my mum persuaded her to do as she was told.

She sat down and I said to her the following; 'How do you feel about having an older sister?'. A stunned look crossed her face. Then I started to tell her my decision and it finally dawned on her. Her reaction - laughter. Again, I don't think the gravity of the situation has fully sunk in yet. Only time will tell. From my point of view, it's a huge weight off of my mind. A major hurdle overcome. One of many yet to come. As long as I can keep smiling, keep strong and keep my confidence, I should be OK. Plus the love of my friends and family - that will be absolutely crucial.

A quick midweek update on my appointment with the Local Mental Health team. The verdict.........(drumroll please).......I HAVE MY REFERRAL!!!!!!!!!!!! WooHoo!!!! To say I'm happy is an understatement! :):):)

I was very apprehensive before going into the appointment as I didn't know what to expect, the reactions I would receive or if I'd even get a referral. Luckily for me, the doctor had worked at the Local GIC (Gender Identity Clinic) for a number of years. This gave them a greater understanding of what I was going through and what questions to ask with regard to an initial diagnosis. There were lots of questions about my childhood, teenage years, marriage, family and much, much more. 

The doctor was very thorough and explained to me the processes involved in changing gender. Real life experience, hormone therapy, what the protocol is for the treatment. Luckily, a friend of a friend, a Female to Male transgender, emailed me a copy of the NHS protocol for the, and I hate the word, treatment of transgender patients. This had given me a good insight into what to expect and the some of the timescales involved. It's not going to be a quick process - I reckon about 5 years at least. 

One good thing is that I frequently go out as me 2.0 in a variety of situations. When you start the Real Life Experience(RLE), you have to demonstrate that you have been through various experiences, ie: Work, family gatherings, social gatherings etc as your chosen gender. I have deliberately put myself into certain situations as I realise that I would have to go through them on my own as part of the RLE. Situations like getting a bus, train, walking through my local town, shopping etc. It's all well and good in a group of people, but I will need to tackle a lot of situations on my own.

The outcome was that they had no hesitation in referring me to the GIC because as far as they could see, I was Gender Dysphoric. The relief I felt at that point was instant and heart warming. The journey was finally starting. The doctor was going to write up the notes and I have to have a blood test, for Lipids, Cholesterol and Testosterone. Provided that here are no major issues with the blood test, I shall wait for that letter of referral - which will probably be sometime early next year. The waiting game now starts in earnest.........

I'm a bit all over the place right now - emotionally at least. It's a combination of wanting to start my journey in earnest, wanting to be me 2.0 more and the realisation that I am now at the start of a very long process with a lot of waiting involved. The last time I posted, I was waiting for my appointment at the doctors to ask for a referral to a GIC (Gender Identity Clinic). To say it was a bit of an anti climax, is understating it.

Although I live very near a city renowned for it's carefree and liberal attitude, it's surprising that healthcare professionals only 10 miles down the road have no experience or knowledge of what is expected of them and the protocols in place. I realise that they may not have had a request for a referral before, but they should still be aware of the system. Right, rant over.

The outcome of the appointment; They would find out what steps they have to take and let me know within 3 weeks. What has actually happened; A referral to the local mental health team. The appointment - 5th of October. How do I feel about this? Well, luckily, I have spoken to someone who is going through the same process as me, albeit in the opposite direction, who started their journey in the same county as me. They had two appointments with their local mental health team before they got a referral, but they had their referral within 4 months. So, fingers crossed.

For the time being, I will just have to keep on being me - that is me 2.0, as much as possible. I need to be me 2.0 more and I fully intend to be. Even if it's just sitting in front of a computer, in a pyjama set, with a little bit of strategic padding................;)

Luckily enough, me 2.0 had a birthday party to go to last weekend. A chance to get out and about again. I will let me 2.0 take up the reigns.........Party time!! Time to get on the glad rags and become a glamour puss. and that's exactly what I did. The party was for a good friend of mine. We see each other on a regular basis (unfortunately as me 1.0) and is very supportive of me and my decision. I spent my time getting ready and this was the finished look:

Due to the fact that I was a bit scared, I drove to the nearest town to catch the train. However, once out, I felt.....ALIVE! I walked to the station, bought my ticket and made my way to the platform. I didn't care if people stared at me or whispered behind my back, I felt gorgeous and (hopefully) looked it.

My friend said that she and her new Boyf would meet me at the station. As my train pulled into the station, I couldn't see her or her Boyf. No problem, with my confidence at a high, I proceeded to the exit. My confidence was further boosted by the comment the guard made as I walked past; 'Goodnight Miss'. If I hadn't have had quite a lot of make up on, I would have gone a very dark shade of pink!

My friend and her Boyf were just coming onto the platform as I was leaving, so we walked back to the pub and whilst they continued, I started the merriment. It was a very nice evening surrounded by friends old and new and as usual, I felt completely at ease and accepted. I think that me 2.0 is how I'm perceived now (at least I hope so). However, the last train home beckoned and we had to leave. Back to the station we went and the train we did catch. My friend an her Boyf left the train 2 stops before me, leaving me on my own. Yes, I got stared at and no, I didn't care. Off the train I got and I walked to the bus stop to get the night bus. Walking through my local town was a bit scary - lone woman on her own late at night. Luckily it was along very well lit roads and the area around the bus stop was busy. 

As usual, the bus was delayed. Yes, even at 12am, it was delayed. So I had to wait. Eventually it came and I knew my time to shine was nearly over. Once at home it was time to become......me 1.0 again. Stripped back to the bare bones again. Back to reality. Time to put away the proper me and become the shell of me. The me who is trying to change. 

That's the last few weeks in a nutshell. The next few will be interesting and I will keep you updated. Onwards and upwards - hopefully!

Wednesday the 2nd of September. The day I ask to be referred to a GIC (Gender Identity Clinic) by my GP. It is the earliest day I could get an appointment after 5pm. I can't go during the day next week as I have to work every hour my branch is open, so it will have to be the week after.

I just want to start the process. It has taken me 38 years to get to this point - I suppose another couple of weeks is a drop in the ocean. Then there's the thorny issue of telling my family. Yes, I know it has to be done and I know I will have to do it soon.  To be honest, I'm really scared. I have only really just been accepted back into the fold after 'issues' with my ex and can't stand the thought of any new rejection. I know I have a great network of friends for support and they will be there for me whatever may happen, but I really need my family to accept my decision. They may not agree with it, but I've spent too long thinking about other people and not looking after me.

I have spent some time looking into the protocols and timelines of transitioning and I am a bit scared that I may not be accepted for 'treatment' as I have not shown major physiological issues with my gender throughout my life. Although my questions about my gender started in the 1990's, I had put them to the back of my mind when  got into serious relationships. Yes, maybe the thought of changing gender cropped up every couple of years (when times were tough in my relationships), but I quickly dismissed them. I know this is what I want - I'm just frightened that I won't be able to change the way I want to. If I don't do this now, I never will. 

My mind is starting to over analyse the situation and in turn is making me question if it will happen. Perhaps I am just making mountains out of molehills and I will be accepted for 'treatment'. If not - I will have to cope, somehow. I'm nervous enough as it is - I don't need all this as well!!

Just a quick update to let you all know where I am and what's happened over the past few days. After my last post, I decided to announce my decision to ask for Gender Reassignment Surgery (GRS) on me 2.0's Facebook page. The reaction has been very positive and I have had so much support from people who have said I'm courageous, brave and have made the right decision.

There is one person who I never thought would be as supportive as they have. I used to work with this person and during my divorce a few years ago they were very good to me and we have kept in contact, (when I remembered!) ever since. As we work for the same company, it has helped! They friended me 2.0 on Facebook a few months ago and on my last trip to my old store, I finally told them about me 2.0. I was over the moon with the reaction and it was such a weight off of my mind as I had wanted to tell them for ages.

After putting the status up on Facebook, I got a comment from this person that basically was an OMG! moment. They have said they will support me and help me in any way they can and I believe them. This has made me extremely happy and I now truly know what a fantastic group of friends I have. I don't have quantity, I have quality.

Following on from this and going off slightly at a tangent, but it is relevant, was a birthday party me 1.0 was invited to on Saturday. Now,this is someone who I have met through friends and I was happy that they invited me 1.0 along. They know about me 2.0 and have met me 2.0. The evening was about this person and I didn't intend to even mention or talk about my decision. It wasn't my evening and I'm not that kind of person.

However, the conversation did turn to my decision, as a few of my close friends (all me 2.0 friends) were there. Again, the support I received was amazing and beyond anything I expected. One of them, the partner of the birthday boy, has even started to see me as me 2.0 and is even referring to me by my chosen name and pronouns. We had a very in depth conversation and that made my evening. Well, that and the fact I was, shall we say, persuaded to go clubbing capped off a good evening.

The next piece of positive news was from someone I have known for about 16 years now and knew about me 2.0 way before the current incarnation. They didn't meet me 2.0 before and haven't really this time. (Except for a Rocky Horror excursion). I had a text from them about meeting up - I'm really bad at keeping in contact with some people, a major failing of mine - and they revealed a piece of info I wasn't expecting. It was only a small thing, but it was a big thing for me. On an old phone of theirs, from way back in time, the icon they had when they first put my details in, was of a girl. They obviously knew even back then!

I have also had a message from someone who is going through the transition from female to male. I have met this person through a very good and extremely supportive friend and they have said that if I ever want to talk about anything they are there. Considering I have only met this person a few times, that is a very nice thing to say and I expect I will have a few questions for them.

I know it won't all be a bed of roses and there will be a huge amount of negativity on the way. However, with the amazing people behind me so far and the support they have given, I will hopefully make my through this journey a relatively normal and sane person, It's early days yet and there are still many hurdles to get across before the journey really starts. The toughest one is the first one. Wish me luck.

Life is strange. Mine is full of interesting people, places, events and situations. Highs and lows. Rights and wrongs. My life has been a rollercoaster over the past few years and it's not going to stop anytime soon. My decision to pursue Gender Reassignment Surgery (GRS) is going to divide opinion, cause upset and alienate some people in my sphere of influence. I have so far been encouraged by the responses of my friends - even though I have one who keeps asking me if I'm sure. I keep saying I'm sure. I haven't been so sure of anything since I first put on a dress and decided I enjoyed it. 

So, how far have I got? Well......not very far. With working 47.5 hours per week over the past few weeks, I haven't had time to re-register at a local doctors and start the process. It's frustrating, but my fault. So, I've started to make subtle changes in my life to compensate and hopefully make the transition slightly easier. Things like growing my hair, taking better care of myself, slightly feminising my mannerisms. Not too much of the last one, but enough in the right company.

It's been a good and bad week,for me 2.0. I'll let me 2.0 explain...........

A while ago, A friend of mine, who is a very good singer by the way, had got a gig at the pub where I have been a few times with my 'sister' (she'll love me for saying that!). So, I was invited to go. Obviously I was going to go - miss a chance to get dressed up? Never! I had been looking forward to it for ages. Then, me 1.0's new branch opened. The week of the gig. Ah. The fact me 1.0 had to work until 5pm meant that I didn't have a lot of time to get ready. 

So the night before, I had to hog the bathroom to feminise myself. It takes a lot of preparation to get this body looking even vaguely feminine! Finally, after about an hour of de-fuzzing, scrubbing and moisturising, part one was complete. This went a long way to helping me with my lack of prep time on the Friday.

Originally, the plan was to glam up. I had a new dress and everything. Then weather that evening said otherwise. I messaged my friend that I sadly wasn't going to glam up, but would still make an effort. And I did. I even managed to do my make up in an hour. It wasn't my best effort, but I think I got away with it. Just ;)

In the car I got and drove for about an hour - that's dedication for you. The feelings of nervousness that I used to feel when going out on my own and going into places on my own are lessening. It helps when I have been somewhere before, as I have here. So I parked up and walked into the pub. Disappointingly, it wasn't very busy. The weather - heavy rain and wind, a beer festival and other events conspired to keep people away.

The friend with whom I normally go in the pub with hadn't arrived yet and eventually arrived about 45 mins later. They did have mitigating circumstances though. However, my friend was setting up and the landlord and landlady recognised me and immediately put me at ease. It was good to have catch up with my friend and we had a chat about my decision to go for GRS. She was really pleased that I had made the decision to go for it. That is real validation of my decision. Confidence boosted accordingly!

The lack of audience combined with a few, shall we say, unappreciative audience members didn't help her cause, but when they left and it was just a few hardened souls left, she really let rip! Even I had a boogie and I felt totally at ease with myself. For me,it was a good evening. Again, I was sad when it was over and me 2.0 had to disappear again. Hopefully this is the beginning of me 2.0 being me 1.0. Fingers crossed.

After the highs of the gig, last night I had a taste of the lows of my decision. I am eventually going to tell my mum that I want to become her daughter. Whilst visiting her and my stepdad last night, an advert for I am Cait the programme about Caitlyn Jenner came on. My stepdad, who is from a certain era, made some disparaging comments about her and called her a heshe, and a freak. I had to bite my tongue. I fear it isn't going to be an easy task when he finds out. I think he is the person least likely to accept it. It is the first piece of negativity I have come across and I doubt it will be the last.

Onwards and upwards. It hasn't swayed me from my decision. I'm still going to ask for GRS. It's still my goal. It's still my dream and it's a dream I intend to come true. Hopefully most people will join me for the ride. It's going to be bumpy, lumpy and there will unfortunately be no rumpy pumpy! I have a good set of friends around me who understand and I hope will be there for me as they have done up till now. Buckle up!

I've made my decision. The feedback so far has been positive, but, that's only from a handful of people. I have been thinking a lot about what the consequences are, what the effect it is going to have on my whole life and the effect on those around me. By getting one issue off of my chest, it has created many more to keep me awake at night!

I want to get to the doctor to start the process off as soon as I can. However, I have a problem (of my own making). I have to change my doctor. When I moved last year, I didn't change my doctor. As I am now at least 30 miles away, I really do need to change. There is a slight fly in the ointment, as I can't change until I have had my next lot of medication. (I'm epileptic). Luckily, they are due in the next few weeks, so I can set the wheels in motion.

I have been a little tetchy the past week. Due to my laxness at re-registering with a doctor, the thought of telling people of my decision and the fact that I want to change things about me NOW!! I know it will take time, but I am a little impatient. Scratch that, I'm VERY impatient. I have been debating my decision for about a year now and given the fact that it will probably take over a year to get an appointment to discuss my gender dysphoria with a qualified professional, I really want to get started now.

I do feel at odds with my physical vessel more and more nowadays. I don't feel right presenting myself as 'Male', when my brain says otherwise. The only problem I have at present,is the fact it takes me a good few hours to turn me 1.0 into me 2.0. Finding the time in the evening is hard and it can really only happen at weekends, holidays or if I manage to get some time off during the week. Currently, the odds are stacked against me. A charity walk, the opening of my new branch, the manager going on holiday all equal no time for me 2.0. Grrrrr.

I suppose good things come to those who wait. Seriously, I've been waiting quite a few years now. I'm starting to get fed up with waiting and waiting and waiting. I just want something to go right for once, without any complications or worries. I know I am destined to fail on that score, but it would be nice for something to go smoothly.

Right, rant over. So, with regard to me 2.0, here are the latest musings from my alter ego.......


Well, now for a lighter interlude! I was lucky to be invited out to a 30th birthday party last week. I hadn't decided to go until Thursday last week (it was between me 1.0 and me 2.0). I had managed to get Friday afternoon off of work so I could get ready and try and make myself presentable. After talking outfits with a friend who was also going, we decided on smart casual and as it was a tad warm last week, comfortable for me! After plucking, smoothing, painting and tweaking, I was ready to face the world. 

Unfortunately, I had forgotten a couple of things. These things were also personal fears which were things I would have to deal with if I started to transition. 1). Getting on a local bus on my own in daylight. 2). Walking through my local town in daylight. 3). Getting on a train in my local town in daylight. With the thought of transition in mind, I went for it. I got on the bus, I walked through the town and I got on that train. Three fears dealt with. Yes, I got stared at and yes, I didn't care. I felt right and that was all that mattered.

My friend got on two stops up and we made our journey to the local city. We walked down from the station and into the pub. Most of the group I didn't know and other than the three people I knew (The birthday boy (who is a good friend) and two other very good friends) me 1.0 had met one of the group once. Given the nature of the group, I was very comfortable in their presence and totally at ease. After a lot of bad dancing, awful jokes and a couple of glasses of wine (and the odd whiskey), the night was over and home beckoned. Four of us walked back to the station and we all departed at various points along the journey. At my stop, I had another two personal fears to face. Walking to the bus stop at night and getting the bus at night. 

Walking through town as me 2.0 was scary. As me 1.0, I would have felt OK, but me 2.0 did feel more alert and aware as to who was around me and how close they were to me. I can sympathise with how intimidating it can be for females to walk around at night on their own. I kept to well lit roads and made my way to the bus stop. There was a 20 minute wait for the bus. Luckily, it was in a well lit area and there were plenty of people around.

The bus came and I got on to enjoy my five minute ride home. When I got off the bus, the driver made a comment. 'You look really good. You really do look good. I'm very impressed.' Music to my ears! That was such a confidence boost. He realised that it was my alter ego, but I must have been pretty convincing to elicit that response. Happy times!! :)

However, the evening had to draw to a close and all vestiges of me 2.0 had to go away. I feel like I am putting the real me away. The pretty(!) and girly me who wants to be out there and open to the world. Hopefully one day I can change me 2.0 into me 1.0. We'll see. xxxx

Brain Overload!! I have an over active mind which I just can't seem to turn off. I know the reasons why - for once. For some of the issues, I can do something about them, for the others - meh!

I suffer many a sleepless night, pondering over numerous issues and scenarios. Many over the past few years have involved my ex partner and where we went wrong and many have involved me as my alter ego. It is this latter group of issues and scenarios combined with the pressures of moving to and opening a new branch of my company, that are causing the current lack of sleep. 

Obviously the gender issue is the whole reason for this blog. It is a big issue to tackle. I currently have a decision in my mind as to where I go forward with my gender and it is now this decision which is causing my sleeplessness. I have had a lot of time to think about it recently. As I am not based in any particular branch, I can't do much in the way of my normal role, so I am reduced to the part of a general assistant, purely serving customers. For me, this is very boring! Therefore, I have had oodles of thinking time, thinking about the way forward.

My decision is a big one. I want to explore to possibility of transitioning.What is the way forward from here? What will it entail? How do I tell my family? How do I tell the friends who don't already know? How do I start the process? So many questions!!! From my past limited online research, it won't be easy, far from it. I have to make sure that I am tough enough mentally to cope with the negativity that will arise from some people and places and the stress that the process will put me through. 

I'm in a much better place than I was 18 months ago. This decision is the culmination of many hours of soul searching, visiting of dark places, desperation and heartache. This is a decision that will, if it happens, will have immense consequences on relationships, friendships, work and my general well being. Given my love of procrastination, don't expect a lot of movement anytime soon! At least I have made a decision on the issue. I just need to get the ball rolling.........

Last time, I said that I had some other news to tell. Exciting news. Well, here it is......I have been asked to help plan a hen do for a friend of my other gurl friend. For me, that is a brilliant vote of confidence and gives me a great sense of acceptance. I'm really looking forward to it!  I am also being me more. I am managing to be out more, whether just at home or in public. The decision me 1.0 has come to will also have a bearing on me. It will make me slightly redundant I suppose, but, if it happens, it will blur the lines between me 1.0 and 2.0 and create a whole new person.....hopefully!! xxxx

Being around but not visible is hard sometimes. I love going out and I love being myself, but, for the moment, it isn't always possible. I've been lucky in the past month as I've been to London twice and been able to be me at home once. With the better summer weather (hopefully - this is the UK!), I will be able to become more visible and not just around in me 1.0 form.

You already know about my 1st trip to London (if you read my blog on a regular basis - if not, please take the time to read). Luckily, I had another planned. My good friend, with whom I regularly go shopping, asked me a while ago if I wanted to go and see a very rare event happening in London. Obviously, I jumped at the chance. We had a grand day out planned - spa treatment, hours spent at a well known cosmetics shop (it was well lush......), dinner and the show. It was also good for me, as earlier in the year, I had said that I wanted to spend the day as me. This day gave me that opportunity.

However, plans changed slightly. My friends dad had passed away in the intervening period and she had to fly overseas to collect his ashes, the day after the show. This put quite a lot of emotional and financial pressure on her and given the timescales involved, we decided to put the spa treatment on hold. We also had weave the collection and drop off of the country in questions currency into our day.

So, let us go to the start. As it takes time for me 1.0 to become me 2.0, I had to get up early. I was meeting my friend at hers at 11am, so needed at least 2 hours to get ready and get to hers. (I had started prepping the night before - defuzzing and getting my outfit ready.) I have, over time, now got my routine and daytime look sorted. I know not to over dress with too much shapewear - it gets too hot! - have too much make up and don't dress up too much. My aim is to blend in, not to stand out.

It took me about 90 minutes to get ready. That gave me too much time to faff about wondering if I looked OK and if I needed to tweak anything. With everything sorted, off I went. I walked to my friends as it is only 10 minutes along the road. I faced one of the 3 fears that were to come my way - walking along my road, a busy A road during the day. I need not have worried as I was eyed up by one man and most people didn't take any notice. My second and third fears were getting the bus into my local town during the day and then walking through my local town during the day. Both passed without incident and we even had a quick coffee on our way to the station.

After an uneventful train journey to London, we made our way to Oxford St. Via the underground. Now, for me, going into any large crowd is a big deal. Will I be read (will they see that I'm really me 1.0 in female clothing) will I get any nasty remarks etc. Well.....nowt. Nothing. Nada. Absolutely perfect. Our first stop - the cosmetics shop (still well lush.....), where we spent about 2 hours and I spent about £40 (some makeup, perfume and a few other bits). I also had a hand massage, where I was told I had very muscular forearms!

We then went on to pick up and drop off the currency and took a bus to our rendezvous point where we were meeting my friends husband. A pub. Here we had a couple of drinks and a spot of dinner. This was when I decided that I needed to visit the little girls room. My dilemma - there were 3 choices Gentlemen, Ladies or Unisex. Um........which one to choose? Rightly or wrongly, I chose the ladies. Technically, I could have used any. However, I chose the one which was the closest fit to my persona.

So far, the day had gone without a hitch. I was really enjoying myself. Everything felt natural and everything felt right. I was relaxed and being myself. I'm glad I had toned down the dress as It was a little warm and if I had overdressed, I think I would have melted! You may think that there will be a but............but there wasn't. We had another drink and then made our way to the venue - again via bus. I blended in again, but I didn't care if I was being read. I felt good. 

We walked from the bus to the venue, handed out tickets over and found our seats. Front row, First circle. Very good seats! The theme of the show was 'Saying the unsayable'. It was a thought provoking evening and it made me think about my life going forward. The show included a transgender poet and a crossdressing comedian and the fact that I was there as me 2.0 really opened my eyes as to where I want to go with my life. 

However, the show came to an end and we had to make our way home. Make my way back to me 1.0. I still had an just over an hour left as me 2.0 and I felt sad that I would once again be invisible to the naked eye. I savoured every minute of being around and it made me realise that I can go out when I want and that most people don't even notice me. Which is what I want. Stripping off the layers of me 2.0 felt like locking that person up - imprisoning them when they should be free. Hopefully one day they will.

I will just mention the home outing. It was the Eurovision Song Contest. My flatmates were away, so it just lent itself to me 2.0 being out. I had my princess petrol poured (a nice White Zinfandel Rose), some snacks and at first, a cat for company. My friends from up the road came down about halfway through and through a haze of alcohol we tore the voting apart and put the competition to rights! 

I do have some other news to tell, but I will keep that for later. Lets just say that the world of me 2.0 gets slightly bigger and more exciting......xxxx

Regular readers of this blog will know that I do open up my heart and will say how I am feeling, my fears, my dreams and my insecurities. You know all about my ups and downs, my pride in how far I've come, but also how far I have to go. My problem is that I procrastinate. I tend to say 'I'll do this' or 'I'll do that', but when it comes round to it, I never do. I have always been like this. Ever since I was a little person. It's a habit I find very hard to break.

Where is this all leading? Well, it all started with a drink in the local bar with a very good friend of mine. My friend has always been very supportive of me 2.0 and continues to be. This was one person I was afraid of telling them to begin with, because of their relationship with my ex and her family. However, we have become a very good friends and they have become a very good confidante. We were talking about our lives - what we are up to, their problems and my problems and trying to see things from another point of view. 

We spoke at length about how we are both feeling. Although this blog is about me and my struggles, the conversation was split 50/50 and wasn't one sided. So, why do I have issues? The same issues are there as before, but my current situation has brought them to the fore again. You see, I am currently between branches of my company. I am awaiting my new branch to open and I am floating between branches. Now, I like things to do - projects to sink my teeth into. I can't do that at the moment, so I'm feeling very lost. This is impacting on my private life though. 

It's been just over three years since I split from my ex. The relationship had been on a downward spiral for about two years previous to that, so I guess that means that I have now gone five years without any real emotional bond with anyone. No one to be close to, intimate with, be affectionate with. Suddenly, this has become a big issue. The feeling of loneliness has hit home and hit hard. This, however, leads to other issues. The title of this blog - The Struggle with my Alter Ego - is what is stopping me from dealing with that situation. Now, I should be well on my way to dealing with that, but, when times have been good, as the last year has been on an upward trend, things get pushed back, to deal with later. Procrastination.

My gender issues are coming back and I do need to deal with them. I can't move forward any further until I properly deal with them. At the moment, if I picture myself in a relationship, I can only see myself as if I was me 2.0 permanently. Whether this is because I have not had an affectionate relationship for so long and as I long to be held tight and caressed as a perceived female, is this swaying my view. Does it mean that I may not be heterosexual? Am I Bi? Do I crave the stereotypical female role? I feel more female than male at times - does that make me androgynous? It's a minefield of decisions to make and paths to take. I don't believe that there is only male or female or heterosexual or gay. We are all somewhere in between the two points of each category. I just haven't found my spots yet.

I still need to tell people about me 2.0. I need to tell my mum. I need to tell her about what is troubling me. I need to have her feedback and view and how she feels.  She knows something is up and so far, hasn't pushed it. I also need to tell two of my other friends. He is, well, not very receptive to any kind of alternative lifestyle and his better half, I don't know how she will take it. I may be surprised or I may be angry. Only time will tell. 

I also need to address my sleep issues. I am having chronic insomnia at the moment and that is adding to the whole package of issues to deal with. It may be that if I deal with some of my other problems, that the sleep issue will start to resolve itself. I have already started to be me 2.0 again, so that's a start. The feelings I have when dressed though are immense and I do have a comedown when I have to become me 1.0 again. Me 2.0 will be in London on Thursday. This will be a real test as I will be me 2.0 all day. From when I go out in the morning until the time I come home in the evening. This will give me a brief view as to how it would be if I was me 2.0 full time. 

I will try to keep you updated as to my progress and I will try to take piccies of my trip to London. Fingers crossed. xxxx

Hello! Just a quick update as to where we are, both mentally and physically ;) Been a bit up and down this month, but me 2.0 has managed to make an appearance and me 2.0 will be out in London next week. Have been on a week off this week, however this has been marred by a severe lack of sleep and lack of money to actually do much. Boo!

Here are a couple of piccies of last nights fun:

Having more fun tonight - hopefully a Eurovision party/gathering so there should be more piccies tomorrow. xx