Regular readers of this blog will know that I do open up my heart and will say how I am feeling, my fears, my dreams and my insecurities. You know all about my ups and downs, my pride in how far I've come, but also how far I have to go. My problem is that I procrastinate. I tend to say 'I'll do this' or 'I'll do that', but when it comes round to it, I never do. I have always been like this. Ever since I was a little person. It's a habit I find very hard to break.

Where is this all leading? Well, it all started with a drink in the local bar with a very good friend of mine. My friend has always been very supportive of me 2.0 and continues to be. This was one person I was afraid of telling them to begin with, because of their relationship with my ex and her family. However, we have become a very good friends and they have become a very good confidante. We were talking about our lives - what we are up to, their problems and my problems and trying to see things from another point of view. 

We spoke at length about how we are both feeling. Although this blog is about me and my struggles, the conversation was split 50/50 and wasn't one sided. So, why do I have issues? The same issues are there as before, but my current situation has brought them to the fore again. You see, I am currently between branches of my company. I am awaiting my new branch to open and I am floating between branches. Now, I like things to do - projects to sink my teeth into. I can't do that at the moment, so I'm feeling very lost. This is impacting on my private life though. 

It's been just over three years since I split from my ex. The relationship had been on a downward spiral for about two years previous to that, so I guess that means that I have now gone five years without any real emotional bond with anyone. No one to be close to, intimate with, be affectionate with. Suddenly, this has become a big issue. The feeling of loneliness has hit home and hit hard. This, however, leads to other issues. The title of this blog - The Struggle with my Alter Ego - is what is stopping me from dealing with that situation. Now, I should be well on my way to dealing with that, but, when times have been good, as the last year has been on an upward trend, things get pushed back, to deal with later. Procrastination.

My gender issues are coming back and I do need to deal with them. I can't move forward any further until I properly deal with them. At the moment, if I picture myself in a relationship, I can only see myself as if I was me 2.0 permanently. Whether this is because I have not had an affectionate relationship for so long and as I long to be held tight and caressed as a perceived female, is this swaying my view. Does it mean that I may not be heterosexual? Am I Bi? Do I crave the stereotypical female role? I feel more female than male at times - does that make me androgynous? It's a minefield of decisions to make and paths to take. I don't believe that there is only male or female or heterosexual or gay. We are all somewhere in between the two points of each category. I just haven't found my spots yet.

I still need to tell people about me 2.0. I need to tell my mum. I need to tell her about what is troubling me. I need to have her feedback and view and how she feels.  She knows something is up and so far, hasn't pushed it. I also need to tell two of my other friends. He is, well, not very receptive to any kind of alternative lifestyle and his better half, I don't know how she will take it. I may be surprised or I may be angry. Only time will tell. 

I also need to address my sleep issues. I am having chronic insomnia at the moment and that is adding to the whole package of issues to deal with. It may be that if I deal with some of my other problems, that the sleep issue will start to resolve itself. I have already started to be me 2.0 again, so that's a start. The feelings I have when dressed though are immense and I do have a comedown when I have to become me 1.0 again. Me 2.0 will be in London on Thursday. This will be a real test as I will be me 2.0 all day. From when I go out in the morning until the time I come home in the evening. This will give me a brief view as to how it would be if I was me 2.0 full time. 

I will try to keep you updated as to my progress and I will try to take piccies of my trip to London. Fingers crossed. xxxx