Life is moving forward, albeit slowly. From this point on, me 1.0 and me 2.0 will now be me 3.0, as The struggle with my alter ego has entered a new phase: The Long Road of my Transition. Although my decision has been made, the road is a long one. In the UK, there is a protocol that has to be followed and this protocol takes time. That and the lack of trained professionals to deal with all the referrals.

Currently, there is a 13 month wait for the first appointment at the Gender Identity Clinic (GIC) that I have been referred to. I'm lucky. At some clinics, there is a 3 to 4 year wait. With that in mind, my first appointment should be in November. Hopefully. So, prior to the appointment, the GIC run a workshop in which they explain the whole process, from the first appointment to the final operation and immediate aftercare.

So, one Tuesday last month, I had a trip to London. I had to use my last days holiday, as my place of work don't know yet. I went up with a friend, who also had an errand to run whilst up there. So, up I got, washed my hair and styled it ( another test run for the new look) a bit of makeup, some comfortable clothes and shoes and off I went. We met at my friends and then went for coffee before our train.

The train ride was uneventful. Once there, we both needed to use the 'facilities'. Now, the big question for lots of transgender people, is 'Which one should I use?'. In an ideal world, the one in which you feel most comfortable. In reality, it's not that simple. Unless you can pass in your preferred gender, or there are unisex toilets, it's just not possible. For me, I will use the correct toilet for my role on that day. So, the ladies it was. I'm always nervous when I use the facilities of my preferred gender. What if I'm read? What if someone takes offence at me being in there? I can't really use the facilities of my old gender, can I?

Now, after using both male and female facilities, I can categorically say that Ladies toilets are so much better than Gents. Cleaner, tidier and smell much better. I won't miss the smell of old urine and wet urinal floors. I must also remember to keep a pack of tissues with me, in case of toilet roll issues.

On with the story. We made our way onto the underground towards Oxford Street. We had an errand to run before we went our separate ways for a couple of hours. My friend had to get some items from the Oxford Street branch of the company where she works. We spent a while in there (it's a huge branch), but my friend got what they wanted. I needed to get the Piccadilly Underground line to my destination, so we wandered up to Piccadilly Circus. We both needed the line, My friend went north, me south.

So, here I was, on my own on the Underground. Another goal achieved.  Hopefully, the first of many trips on the Underground to my destination. I was a little nervous, but as I got neared my destination, I realised that many before me had made/ are making/ will make this journey to achieve the same goal as me. I got off t my station and made my way to my destination.

It was a short 15 minute walk to the Lecture Hall at the Hospital, where the workshop was being held. Even though registration wasn't until 1.30pm, there was already a queue to get in. Overall, there must have been at least 250 people there - all at various stages of transition and with a huge range of ages. After registering, I made my way into the hall and found a seat.

Once everyone was in, the workshop began. We had the introductions from the clinical team and an overview of what the workshop was about. Firstly, we had a session on the myths and legends surrounding the GIC - what popular misconceptions people had about the clinic, what was true and what was false. We then went through some of the things we could do before our first appointment to help our progress. Things like changing our name and living full time in our preferred gender role.

We then moved onto what the National Health Service (NHS) provides with regard to transition and also what it does not. We were given timescales for the complete process, but in reality, it depends on the individuals situation. Every case is different. Then came the biggie, where Male to Female patients are concerned - vaginoplasty. The formation of a functional vagina. They asked anyone who couldn't cope with anything remotely gory to leave the room. Why? We were shown very graphic photos and film of the operation from start to finish. They then explained what complications that can arise from the surgery and how often they occur.

At this point, for the first time, I felt really scared and frightened of what I'd decided to do. Had I made the right decision? Did I want to put my body through this? Could I cope with anything that could go wrong? I was having serious doubts at this point. It's good to know what can go wrong and how often it does and what your options are, but it's still a frightening prospect.

The next subject was for the Female to Male patient - Phalioplasty. Now that's a far more complicated operation, with far greater risks involved. I can honestly say that I have the upmost respect for anyone who decided to either go through with the operation or not. Either side has it's ups and downs and it is an extremely big decision to make. I don't envy your decision.

We then went onto what counselling is available from the clinic and what services are available to us to aid our mental health through the process. This was coupled with the Speech therapy available to us  - what we get and what we can do to start practising. Lastly, we moved onto Hormone Therapy. We were given an overview on the Oestrogen/Testosterone levels of cis Women/Men and what is needed to change our bodies to levels seen in our chosen gender. We went over how they are administered and who checks up on us and how we can expect our bodies to change on them.

The last major section was on Speech Therapy. There is only one speech therapist who specialises in transgender patients in the UK. This means there is a long waiting list for their services. From the NHS, you get a one hour consultation and 6 x 50 minute sessions. There are also group sessions we can attend, so we can practise conversations, presentations and general everyday speech. They went over how male and female voices differ - pitch, resonance and frequency. We were given some pointers and things we can work on at home before our sessions - so lots of practise coming up!

We finished with a question and answer session, covering many subjects not fully explained in the workshop. It had been a lot to take in over the two and a half hours. Even though I'd had a wobble during the workshop, I left feeling more resolute than ever that this is what I wanted and needed. It won't be easy - it'll be extremely difficult. At least I know now what to expect and how long it will take.

We all filtered out at about 5pam and mad our way back to our usual lives. I walked  back to the station and boarded my train back east. I was meeting my friend at Covent Garden. So here I was, on  an underground train, in rush hour. Another situation conquered. After walking around Covent Garden in search of my friend, I finally found them. They had met up with their mum during the day as they were in town. Unfortunately, my friends mum was going the opposite way to us, so after a brief hello and goodbye, we parted ways. Although it was brief, it was nice to see them.

We were both hungry at this point, so we decided to make our way back to our mainline station and have a bite to eat before our journey back. It was basic pub grub and a nice alcoholic drink - well needed after our respective days. Our train was ready to go, so we boarded, sunk into our seats and made our way back home.

The day has given me a lot to digest, think about and work on, I now have a basic timescale to work to and what to expect over the next four years. I conquered a couple of goals during the day and felt a lot more confident about the future. Next step, telling work and planning for living full time as the real me. That's the next big hurdle to jump. Wish me luck.........xx

February has been a quieter month overall. For much of it, I've felt devoid of any life. All I've wanted to do is curl up in my duvet and shut the world out. There have been some good evenings and a day out, but the overwhelming feeling is to shut myself away from the world.

I think that the euphoria of the new year and January as a whole, have subsided and I've fallen to earth with a bump. A rapid decent with an almighty crash. Only I can pull myself out of this slump, but with each low, my resolve to pull myself out becomes weaker and weaker. I've tried to identify the underlying problems that have caused the general malaise and I can narrow it down to the following:
1). Work. I shouldn't have left my last store. I miss my colleagues, the customers and the town. I was up for the challenge of setting up a new store, but the whole enterprise has been one problem after another.
2). My family. It hurts that I don't see them at the moment. It hurts that even though I've taken steps to change my life for the better, that there still is no real contact from them.
3). The waiting game. All the hoops and waiting that all Transgender patients in the U.K. have to go through. I just want to get on with the process and start to live as my chosen gender. It's not as simple as just changing my hair and piercing my ears - there's a lot more to think about and deal with.

Can I change any of this? Apart from working on the last one, not really. I could change my job, but this will create as many problems as it solves. Damn my stupidly overactive mind. This also causes it's own problems. Overactive mind equals lack of sleep equals not eating properly equals health problems. From chronic heartburn, to psoriasis, to boils, to various aches and pains, I've got them all.

I'm just keeping my head above water and keeping as positive as I can. It's hard, it's draining and I'm just coping. Just.

I mentioned the good times I've had in February. The day out I will talk about in another post - it requires the attention of a whole post. There have been a couple of nights out, both at the beginning of the month. The first was a visit to a comedy club in the local city. It was a surprise gathering for a good friends birthday. The first time sans wig. It felt strange without a wig. My safety blanket of sorts. I could hide behind it, play with it and it finished the look. However, it was my own hair. I felt quite naked without it!

On with the story. A group of us met inside before the birthday boy and his beau (a very good friend of mine) arrived. It was nice to catch up with some people I hadn't seen for a while. We need to get together more often, DON'T WE?! You know who you are! It was a very good evening and I forgot after a while about my sans wig concerns. This is how it's going to be in the future, so it needed to be done. The rest of the group were going for drinkies afterwards, but I had work the next day, so to my bed I went. My first evening without a wig completed. It felt good to have finally been out without one as it meant that things were moving forward - from me 1.0/2.0 to 3.0.

Then came a meal out with someone who, just by a few perfectly timed comments, has had an enormous effect on my mindset with regard to my transition. They have been through a tough time recently and I was honoured that they and their beau came to my birthday. (I was honoured by everyone who came to my birthday, it's just that I don't see these people often, so it was a nice surprise). We decided that we needed a girlie night out and set a date.

We went to an all you can eat Chinese in a local town. I didn't have a lot of time to get ready - I managed to get in, shave, makeup and dressed in 90 minutes. Go me! The day I don't have to shave can't come soon enough. Roll on the electrolysis! I had to get a bus from my flat into the town, sans wig again. Again, another thing I had to do, so I did it. Once off of the bus, I had a 5 minute walk to the restaurant. I went in on my own and got a table and waited for my friend to arrive. I didn't have to wait long and our evening began.

We chatted about many things, both personal and general. It was good to get to know them better as we have always been part of a group. They have always been very supportive of my decision and as far as they are concerned, if I'm out in me 1.0 mode, I'm just crossdressing! We chatted for about three hours. We didn't realise how late it was!  It also meant that I had missed my last bus home. Ah. That meant either a taxi or train home/40 minute walk. Couldn't really afford a taxi, so train and walk it was.

We walked up to the station, as my friend lives near. I had to walk to the station on my own. Another situation - a provincial railway station at night. It had to be done. So onto the platform I went and waited. I got a few stares, but I wasn't really bothered. Let them stare! The train came, on I got and off we went. I got off at my local station and started my walk. As I got to the bus stop, the board said one was due in five minutes. Excellent. Saved me 30 minutes walking!

So, other than these few rays of sunshine, February 2016 can be forgotten about. March so far is......March. I'll post about my day out to London soon. It was a big eye opener for me regarding my way forward and the future. I'm hoping things get better soon. I'm thoroughly fed up with life at the moment.