After the lows of the past few weeks, an element of high and a general improvement in my mood. The start of the transition from the old me to the new me is taking shape - lots of little changes are happening on a daily basis. I feel more confident in myself and changes that are happening.

So, what is the high? I shall explain. A couple of good friends of mine got engaged a few months ago and have decided to tie the knot later on this year. Another wedding to go to! We love a good wedding. However, there is a little bit more to this wedding, for me at least. We were having a drink, not long after the announcement, when the subject of a chief bridesmaid was mentioned. I thought that they were asking my opinion and nothing more at this point and thought no more about it.

A few weeks passed and we went for another drink. The subject of a chief bridesmaid was bought up again. Only this time, I was asked if I would be chief bridesmaid, or officially, Maid of Honour. To say I was gobsmacked was an understatement. I asked if they were sure, I got a positive answer and I accepted. Me, a Maid of Honour. A massive endorsement of my transition and a massive challenge!

It is a very daunting prospect, given I've spent most of my life in a male role and have been thrust fully into a whole new world of hen parties, bridesmaid dresses and wedding planning. A massive and steep learning curve, but one that I fully relish and an positively excited by. I get to wear a pretty dress, have my hair done and be an integral part of the wedding. I know it's not going to be all plain sailing and there will be hiccoughs along the way, but I get to wear a pretty dress!!

There is a lot to think about and a lot of people to organise and contact with the hen do. Costings, budgets, locations.............all in a short space of time. It's going to be a mammoth task, for me especially and I just hope I get it right. Time will tell.

Outside of the wedding planning, life is better. I am still feeling lonely and a bit down, but my mood is lifting. I have achieved a few milestones recently, going out to more places as myself and meeting more people as myself. That is another confidence booster. One big booster was a charity quiz, run by a work colleagues. A few of my work colleagues would be there, an ex manager, my area manager and some staff from another store. I had to go a bit in disguise as a few customers were also there!

The evening was a success and passed without incident. I have also recently been to a local support group in a nearby city. It is good for me to have support from my peers during my transition as they will have first hand experience of the road ahead. It is a friendly and informal atmosphere where people of all stages are welcome. I will be going at least once a month (hopefully) and it will be a welcome distraction in the months ahead.

Things are going in the right direction at the moment. I'm not getting to ahead of myself, as I know how quickly things can change. And change they will.

Life is full of wonder and amazement. I wonder how I get through it and I'm amazed that I do! It has let me down many times and will continue to do so until the very end. I ride with the highs and the lows and usually come out the other side relatively normal. As normal as I can be. Where is this all leaning? Let me explain............

A lot of people have asked me recently about my relationship preferences.  Am I gay, straight, bisexual or any other leaning. So, for everyone out there, the answer is........wait for it..........nearly there..........I'm.........not sure. Simply, I don't know with whom I want a relationship with. Male, female, Asexual, Non Binary, Transgender - I just don't know. The doctor who referred me to the Gender clinic classed me as a Bisexual Female. If I had to put myself in a box, that is the label I would probably choose.

Now, this is also causing me a major issue at the moment. I have been feeling very lonely recently. Not having that special someone around is weighing heavily on my mind. I want a cuddle. I want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I want someone to be there when I am feeling low. I want to be there for someone. A lot of the friends that I see on a regular basis are couples and I want some of that (not their relationships - my own obviously!) However, this is not as easy to approach for me, for a number of reasons.

I haven't dated for over 16 years. Not since I dated my ex wife. Things have changed a bit since then. Then it was either clubbing, down the pub or meeting friends of friends. Now, it's all about the online dating. I also have to consider who would want to take me on as I am at present and with all the highs and lows that are about to come. Being transgender makes it even more complicated. I'm certainly no catwalk model. More something the cat dragged in! To be honest, I'm sacred. Scared of rejection. Scared of humiliation. Scared of getting hurt both mentally and physically.

I think this is a catch 22 situation. I want a relationship but I am scared to even start looking, so I won't find a relationship. I'm not a very confident person - not confident that anyone would want me. I never have been and probably never will be. That's just the way my mind works, which is probably through years of rejection and put downs. I can pull myself through as I always have done, but it doesn't change anything.

The other issue is my workplace. I can't divulge too much in the blog, but it is safe for me to say that it is not the company I joined 12 years ago. The staff don't really count anymore and this will be the company's loss in the long term. Certain issues have arisen that will affect me long term and certain issues are ongoing at present.

Combine these issues with the frustration of just wanting to start my transition properly and you have one very frustrated and lonely individual. I'm not one to burden my friends with my problems as I feel guilty for doing so and the fact that in the past I have usually had no one to help me deal with them. To a lot of people, I can seem a bit low sometimes but usually have a smile or a (bad) joke to mask how I'm really feeling. This is not a cry for help. It is just to say that I am feeling quite low at the moment, so please bear with me if I seem distant, uninterested or cancel plans at the last minute. I have to look after number one at the moment and deal with my issues.  (To those of you who have confided in me recently with regard to your issues, I am still here to talk to. Don't hesitate to message/talk to me if you need to).

I will get through this at some point. When, I don't know. How, I don't know. Just be patient with me. I appreciate it. xx