So, as you have heard from my daily self most of this week, I think it is now my turn to launch an assault on your eyeballs. (As if using a pink font was not bad enough! ;)

As you know, in the real world, it has been a manic week. Because of this, I have not been able to get out. It does not mean I have not been about, just in the background.

As I have been out more recently, my confidence is growing. Now, I want to go out more often; go to more places and do more things. Even things like coming out more during the day, in the subconscious of my real self. I find I am making the odd decision, looking at things my way and even looking at people in a different way (as in 'Am I attracted to them' or a 'That outfit looks nice/She shouldn't be wearing that' kind of way).

Perhaps this is just the way things should be. Perhaps this is just the true self coming out. It does feel good to finally be around and not (too) hidden from the world. If only everyone was pleased to see me. I realise that I cannot show myself to everyone in our world. Some people would not understand why I am around and where I have come from. At the end of the day, I am who I am and I am not ashamed of that! 

Midweek madness. Or a whole week of madness, so far. As it is a long week, I was hoping for a quiet week. Oh how wrong was I!! From roadworks, machines malfunctioning, loan staff to argumentative customers, every angle has been covered at the moment. It is times like this when I realise what a release my alter ego is. To be able to disappear into another life, to be someone else for even a few hours, makes you forget about everything and makes you realise what is and what is not important.

I have trying to figure out lately, since she has come back into my life, how she will fit in to my life going forward. When I started this blog, I was I was in a dark place. I was confused, tired, on the verge of depression. At that time, given my mental condition, I could only see one way out of all the confusion and darkness - change my gender. It became a daily, if not hourly question on whether to change or not. Now, with the benefit of counselling, a lot of soul searching, long chats with good friends and a better frame of mind, I have found - for the time being - a happy medium. 

That is not to say that the question of my day to day gender will not arise again. If she is around too often and she gets more and more confident, who knows what may happen? Currently, I am happy for her to at least come out once a week and to creep a little into my everyday life. I am toying with the idea that I am slightly androgynous. I do not seen to fit into any of societies particular pigeon holes and that suits me just fine. I am me, love me or loathe me, I will not change. Well, maybe once a week................

Linking this all up to the beginning of this post, to me, work is not important. It helps me to buy another wardrobe full of clothes though! My health and sanity is important. She brings a little sanity to my complex little empire and helps me to escape the sometimes mad world I live in. She is and will now always be part of my world. Hopefully she will have some fun of her own too. I suppose it depends on how many JD and cokes you buy her.............

Just a quick update on my current status and well-being. I am just at the start of a 53 hour week and I am tired already. No lunch breaks, days off or early days are going to make for a very grumpy person by the end of the week. Ho Hum - life goes on. 
On the flip side, my alter ego will be out again in the next few weeks and also will be having a regular lunch date with a good friend of ours. Any old excuse to flaunt herself in public!!

Did you really just say that? The cheek of it. I really want to get out in public more, so I can justify more shopping trips!! ;) Well, I do have a birthday party to go to, Halloween and my tea/coffee/alcohol date (delete dependant on how the week is going). The good friend who took me shopping a couple of weeks ago suggested we have a girlie date at least once a month, as we both have jobs which gives us the odd afternoon free whilst everybody else is at work, it gives us a good chance to gossip! 

I think it's time for bed now. I need my beauty sleep. No laughing at the back. 

As I cannot sleep, I thought it an ideal time to give you all an update, or at least give you something to read!
There has not been much chance for my alter ego to appear in either public or private since last week. A combination of being busy on my days off, dashing about to help a friend in need (A friend who has been very good to my alter ego recently) and general tiredness have not helped. Hopefully, in the next few days, I will have the opportunity to let her out. At least in the comfort of my temporary home. 
Since my alter egos foray into the big wide world last week, it has got my and my alter egos minds working overtime. I will let Danielle explain.......

I enjoyed my trips out last week and I enjoyed the whole experience of actually being treated the way I feel I should be. Following on from that, there are a few more experiences I want to have. I think these are connected to Dave's feelings as well, as I know he is still unsure of his gender and sexual identity. 
So, what are these experiences? Well, I would like to experience being chatted up by someone - either male of female. I would like to experience being kissed, caressed and being wanted. Personally, they would have to accept that I am not completely all that I seem, but can accept the illusion I present and can believe the illusion I present. I do find myself fantasising about being with a man - kissing and cuddling and making me feel as I want to feel inside. I have started to look at men in a more sexual way and have started fantasising about some members of the opposite sex on the TV.  
The problem is, it will get to a point in which I will want it so much,that it will eat me up inside and that will in turn will affect me mentally.  Even if I were to 'scratch the itch', I do not think that will cure it. I will want more and more. I hope this has explained things fully. 

That is how she is feeling. I feel a lot of that. After being in a loveless relationship (not on my part), I do not always feel appreciated or loved - although I know a lot of my friends do love and appreciate me, I still do not always believe it is true. I think that stems from my upbringing and the lack of love from my father and to an extent my mother. Sometimes I just want a big hug and someone to tell me they love me and everything is going to be all right. I have not had it for so long and I really miss it. 

I am enjoying my freedom, don't get me wrong, but I am very nervous about dating again. I don't feel attractive as Dave or feel as if anybody will want me. I am my own worst enemy, as I am the only one who can change myself and make things happen. I procrastinate too much and the whole cycle starts again - me saying I need to change, making plans and procrastinating. Until I sort out my gender and sexual identity, I do not think I can get to the point of being able to date. I still have a long way to go. Wish me luck.

I'm on a bit of a comedown after yesterday. I finally went out shopping, albeit with a friend for moral and fashion support. My first big step into the daylight world......

It was the day of my shopping trip. Up early to get ready, all plucked, painted and padded up for my first daylight venture. I had to remember to dress down - I'm so used to dressing up for a night out that I really had to reign myself in. I wore a denim skirt with leggings, a tight T shirt, some converse style shoes and a brown wig. Hopefully I managed it!! My friend didn't say anything, so I'm presuming it was OK.

My first obstacle was negotiating the route to the car. A couple of workman and a skip lorry blocking my path wasn't in my plan for my first glimpse of the daylight. So after a few minutes wait, the coast was clear. The drive to my friends was easy, but the most nerve racking bit of the whole day was driving through my current home town!

After picking my friend up, we drove to the local shopping centre to start my expedition. Usually I would be nervous about getting out of the car and walking anywhere, but I didn't feel any nervousness at all. It all felt natural. All I wanted to do was blend in and I think for the most part, I did. 

It was such a thrill to walk around my actual home town and be who I wanted to be and act how I wanted to. It was exciting to finally shop for myself and buy things in a shop instead of using eBay. With the help of my friend, I came away with the following - A cardi, dress, statement necklace, a pair of flats and a skirt. All welcome additions to my wardrobe! We also went into my friends place of work and into MAC to enquire about a make-up lesson. I think I need one!

After a coffee and cake and a few more shops, my shopping expedition came to an end. After walking back to the car, diving my friend home and then driving myself home, I thought that was my day over. However, I was wrong........

You see, I was supposed to meet a friend for a drink on Tuesday, but the cancelled on me. I can understand why, but they then invited me to a local pub for the landlords birthday party. I said I would see how I felt after my day off.......

.......and I thought I would try out my new outfit and go for it! The dress, teamed with a pair of black leggings, the new cardi and the new flats, plus a blonde hairdo and a new coat of make up finished the look. So, for the second time, I ventured out into the daylight. The coast was clear, so to the car I went. Again, the drive was uneventful, but I would have to walk, on my own, with no support, from the car park to the pub. Strangely, I wasn't that nervous. I walked with purpose and poise and made my way to the pub. Luckily, my friends were there already. 

Although I got a few looks from a couple of people, on the whole, I blended in. My friends commented on my outfit and how nice I looked. Unfortunately, I could only drink soft drinks, but I still had a little boogie once the band started. Alas, the evening had to end. After a kiss and a hug from the (slightly) drunk landlord, I walked back with my friends to the car park. Even with a moron shouting out faggot at me, I didn't let it ruin my day. I felt honoured that they actually had to comment, although it showed up their lack of intelligence. I was still on a major high on the way home and didn't want the night to end. However, sleep was calling and a bedroom had to be tidied. So, after getting undressed and cleansing my face of make up.........it was time for bed.

So, after being on a high, today was a let down. Back to work. Bored. No motivation. But the interview for the new job may be back on...............

I think I have an apology to make. I am very sorry for the long break between posts. This is because I had fallen out of love with my alter ego and had a general malaise over my pastime. However, my love for my alter ego has been refreshed by a trip out last weekend. Hopefully now, I can get back to where I was and hopefully push the boundaries even more.

So, what has happened since my last post? Well, I've settled into my new place, right on the seafront, completed a 40 mile charity walk.......and that's about it. I've just been coasting along with life, working, pubbing and generally surviving. 

So, last weekend was the 30th birthday Film Noir party. My chance to get out again and have a good time. Did I have a good time? Of course I did. New dress, new shoes, new wig and lots of confidence made sure I had a good time. Lots of compliments helped as well!! ;) Hopefully I didn't show the party girl up - I was a little worried that I did. 

The evening started in a pub/bar for food - I was very hungry! (I didn't have time to eat before I went as it takes me a while to look fabulous!!) I got to meet my friends family and work colleagues and got chatting straight away. It felt very natural and I didn't feel nervous at all (other than NOT falling over in my heels!!). We, (the hardcore group), then headed to a Cabaret club for some cocktails and dancing. Some of us had to take a taxi the mile and a half there (well, my feet/calves were not really made for long walks in heels) and was I glad I did! More dancing time! We had some gorgeous cocktails which went down very quickly and lots more dancing until it was time to go home. BOO!!

I haven't felt as alive as I did last weekend for a while now. It all felt natural and right somehow. I didn't have to try too hard and my cheeky side rose to the surface. I can't wait until my next night out! xxxx

So, plans going forward? Become my alter ego more - shopping trip planned for later on this week (daylight trip - eeeek!), another birthday party and Halloween all to plan for. Myself - new job hopefully, if my interview ever gets sorted. Exciting times ahead!