Attention. Any member of my family attempting to read this post, please return to your home page. The contents of the post are a snapshot of my life and how I live my life. All thoughts and feelings are my own and any information that could link this post to any of you in any way has been negated. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Another week from hell? You betcha! So, I've had family problems, we all know that. This week, it has reached the lowest point. I have basically been disowned by my family. This is due to a combination of my decision, the timing of the announcement and the opening up of old wounds that, perhaps, should have been left well alone. I'm not going to shirk my share of the blame for the last part, or the timing of the announcement, but no one else is innocent. 

Through this blog, you only get my perspective of the issues involved. In my mind and wherever possible, I try to get both sides of the story to make an informed decision. This will be difficult for 100% of the readers of this blog as you do not know my family and probably never will. How you view the events, thoughts, feelings and general shenanigans of this blog is up to you. It's a snapshot of me, my life and how I see things. Nothing more, nothing less.

So, what now? Given my feelings of loneliness recently, this is a major setback. It hasn't affected my decision and it will make it easier in some respects. However, the lack of family support does hurt. I know I've had two years to get to this point, whereas they have only had a couple of months. I'm hoping that, given time, they will come round and if not be a major part of my life again, at least be there for me. I'm not going close the door. It will always be open.

Now time for some more upbeat news and events. I had a letter from the Gender Identity Clinic (GIC), inviting me to a new patient workshop. This workshop aims to give the attendees information so we can be as prepared as possible and have progressed as much as we can before our first appointment. First question - can I get the day off of work without alerting my employer? Luckily I had one day of holiday left, so it was duly booked. So I sent the attendance form back and will now wait for the workshop. Things are beginning to move forward, albeit very, very slowly. 

I have also been asked to be a member of the local NHS (National Health Service) Partnership Trust. I'm presuming that this is to add to their cross-section of the community and another box ticked. (Perhaps I am being too cynical?) In any case, it will allow me to have a say on certain issues in the community, mainly mental health ones. We'll see.

What does this week hold? Crimbo shopping, the free meal & drinks owed from the local bar with the dodgy door staff, Games night, some minor religious festival and a birthday party. Busy, busy, busy...........!!

Not much from me this time. However, I have had good evening out and I have gained a few more board games out of it! The Secret Santa Soiree. I had to work the morning of the do, so couldn't have a relaxing morning to chill out. I had intended to get some stuff ready the night before, but me 1,0 was having family issues so wasn't really in the mood. So, after work, battle commenced. A couple of hours later, this vision emerged......ME! It's getting easier to get ready now, I have a routine which at the moment, seems to run very well. There is still time to be saved, but until hormonal changes occur, I can only do what I can do.

I was ready, but earlier than I thought. An hour earlier than I thought. Um.......what could I do for an hour? Play dress up! So I tried a few outfit combinations and a couple of the wigs I haven't worn in a while and had a bit of fun. after about 4 outfits, I got ready to go again. I was going to get the train as the venue was near a train station, in a local town. I got my heels on and walked to the station. Another 30 minutes in heels. All good practice and now I have calves of steel! Shock horror, I walked through the local town again and got on a train. A busy train. 

It was only two stops long and off I got. Through the busy station and onto my destination, which this year I found without too much trouble. I was the first one there. I was slightly nervous as I hadn't met some of the people who were going. The friends who had arranged the night have been really supportive. In fact, one of the phrases used by one of the friends has stuck with me and I used it when I saw the Mental Health doctor recently. It still resonates with me now and it is true. 

A glass of wine was appropriated, rose of course and I started to relax. Once everyone else arrived, I felt fine and natural. We played games, one of which I am going to have to buy, ate some fabulous food, had a few drinks and the purpose of the evening, Secret Santa. Given the situation, there wasn't any time to hand out names, so we were asked to buy a present, up to a certain value, that we could give anyone. I'd bought a Yodelling Flamingo - which went down very well. I got a set of 6 board games, in a wooden box and a game of charades, which, given the time of year, will come in very handy! 

Then, before we knew it, it was time to go home. I'd had an excellent time, felt relaxed and thoroughly enjoyed myself. I was offered a lift back with another close friend and his girlfriend -which I was grateful for as I didn't fancy a long walk which either form of public transport would have given me! Once home, it was time for the pumpkin, aka me 1.0 to reappear. Well, me 1.0 is a bit round and orange..............! xx

Cheeky mare! Round, perhaps, Orange? Milky white normally, even in the height of summer. Another week beckons. A better week? Who knows. Only time will tell. 

I think, in the back of my mind, the situation with my family might be affecting me. Who am I kidding, it's affecting me big time. Now, I'm not a big fan of this time of year. Bad things generally happen to me in December and this year is no different (except it happened in November and has impacted on December). I have no Christmas spirit left. I am devoid of any cheer and I can't wait for new year. 

I know there are others in the world who are worse off than me. I am physically OK, have a stable job and a place to live. Mentally......well, let's move on. I have friends who have physical conditions that either require surgery, hospital visits, doctors appointments or just medication to keep going. They suffer with pain if not daily, on a regular basis. My only physical problems cause my mental problems. I can't imagine what these people go through on a regular basis and I am in awe of the mental strength they possess. You know who you are and I would help you in any way I can. You just need to ask. :)

I must also admit that I am jealous, as most have a partner to support them through their bad times. I have been feeling lonely recently, especially with the family problems. My friends are great and are really supportive and I wouldn't change them for anything, but I do feel like I am becoming a burden sometimes and feel guilty for going on about my problems. This is where the jealousy comes in, as I have no one to offload onto when I get home.

Given the time of year with families getting together, being with loved ones and being full of festive cheer, you can see why I'm not feeling it. I'm facing the fact that I probably won't be in a serious relationship for quite a few years yet and that when I finally start dating again, it won't be easy. Far from it. I am lonely. I want someone to cuddle up to and make the world go away, to hold me and tell me everything is going to be fine. Instead, it's usually me, a cup of tea and insomnia from the thoughts cascading through my mind every night.

I keep saying to myself that next year will be different. Things are going to get better. I will be the real me. I hope it will be better. 2016 is the real year of change. It's up to me. Only I can change things, can't I? 

Things have been, um, quiet recently. Where have I been recently? Well, Christmas dinner last Sunday. I had been invited to Christmas dinner at a restaurant in the local town. This would be a real test for me, as I would be going into town, in daylight, on a Sunday afternoon. Scared - maybe a little, but not much. Scared of being seen by someone I knew? Nope. Scared of falling over in my heels? Yep!

So, after beautifying myself - a task in itself - and spending a few, let's say minutes choosing my outfit, I was ready. I was going to walk into town as It's not too far. I did get a few looks but whether they were good or bad I didn't notice. I didn't really care(unless they were good!). The restaurant was fairly busy when we arrived and got progressively busier throughout the afternoon. It was a nice intimate group of people to spend some quality time with. Some very close friends and a couple I hadn't really met before. The conversation flowed as did the wine and the whole meal was a very pleasant way to spend a Sunday afternoon. The food was good as well!

We stayed about 2 and a half hours in total. It just flew by. Then I had to face the walk back through town. OMG! It was just the same as walking into town. Uneventful. Then it was back to normality and the rest of the day was spent on housework. Boo!

So then we roll forward to Tuesday. A day off. I had booked a makeup lesson at MAC in my local city. My very good shopping friend had suggested it a long time ago and as she had a day off, we decided that I should book one for that day. I had asked to go over the basics, like foundation, concealer and contouring. I decided to try a different look; a combination of me 1.0 and me 2.0. I can't go around wearing wigs and lots of padding all the time, so it was more of an androgynous look.

Skinny jeans (with the special underwear and lightly padded panties), a long sleeve top with a push up bra, hairband and fitted jacket. No make up. I was more nervous about going out without the mask of makeup and a wig, than going out in full me 2.0 mode. I was more recognisable, I suppose. Deep breath taken and out into the world I went. I met my friend on the bus and off to the local city we did travel.

We started just mooching about and it became apparent that neither of us were into shopping. We drifted into some shops and were pretty uninspired. So off to MAC we went. We were slightly early, so we had a walk around the shop and spent, mentally, lots of money. Luckily, we started the lesson early. The teacher was very good. She asked a load of questions which I answered and she chose the products she thought were appropriate. She explained what each product did, how it was applied and why she'd chosen it. The 30 min lesson turned into about 45 mins in total and I ended up with a very natural look, which was my aim. It felt light, but covered all the areas it needed to and it definitely gave me lots to think about and lots I want to buy!

It was worth it and I will probably go back for lessons on the eyes in the new year. It's all part of my learning curve and I will be putting the lessons into practice soon. We were both hungry after the lesson, so we went for food and alcohol. We decided to have one last push and at least buy something. I bought my secret Santa prezzie, my Christmas jumper and some socks, so it wasn't totally wasted! We'd had enough by then, so we headed back to my friends for tea. I was a bit disappointed that I didn't get much crimbo shopping done, but I have bought some online since. After a well earned cuppa, I headed back home and defrocked back into humdrum world.

I have a secret Santa soiree this weekend, which I am really looking forward to. It will be good to see some people who I haven't seen for a while, but have been very supportive and are an inspiration. A well needed catch up. Details next week! xx

There is also the issue of a family event this weekend. I have had to cancel an event with friends for it - hopefully it will be worth it. We'll see. If it helps the cause - so be it. If not, I can't see things getting better anytime soon. It may be their last chance to see me as I am now. Next year will see a lot of physical changes and I probably won't look the same this time next year. It hurts me that this may be the case, but it does make the process easier. I may sound harsh when I say that, but it's the truth. It's hard on all of us.