I've got a bit of an issue at the moment. It's not an issue that is causing me any major anguish, just a lack of sleep. I've had problems with my sleep for a number of years and this is just another issue in a long line of issues which cause brain to say "Sleep? No, No, No, why would you want to do that? Lets make your mind go over this issue again and again and again." I have now become resigned to the fact that this will happen on a almost daily basis.

The issue this time, is related to me 2.0. Me 1.0, just can't stop imagining me 2.0 in a range of scenarios. Now, I'm quite happy that this is the only thing keeping me awake, however, it makes me 1.0 want to be me 2.0 even more. Now, you may say "Well, why don't you?" and it is a question I often ask myself. Really, there is no reason why I can't. My problem is a). It's a bit cold to at the moment; b). I tend to get in from work and just watch the TV and c). I procrastinate. 

You see, when me 2.0 has an event coming up, say the gig at the arts centre, I start to imagine me 2.0 in a range of scenarios. As it's being held on Valentines day, supposedly one of the most romantic days of the year, all I think about is, basically, having a snog and a dance with a sexy man or woman. To quantify it, in my mind they would have to pretty drunk to even consider it, but if I can pass as well as people say, anything is possible! ;)

The thing is, the fantasy doesn't end there. Oh no. My brain then wanders into what if territory. So, in this scenario, my brain says "Let's take this a stage further and make a relationship out of it.". So, my mind then goes into a story arc of kissing, cuddling, doing things together - with me 1.0 and 2.0. I even imagine telling my family, should he relationship not be what they consider 'normal'. It's usually the same situation every night, with a few small alterations. I'm usually the one who likes to be held, cuddled and taken care of.

Could it saying something about my innermost thoughts and dreams? Probably. Will they actually happen? Who knows? This time 4 years ago, I wasn't expecting to be in the situation I am now. I expected to be married with at least one child and living in a modest house. The reality is, I'm flat sharing, opposite the flat I used to live in with my ex, being me 1.0 and 2.0 and having fun with a brilliant group of friends. To be honest, I'm happier with the latter. I couldn't imagine myself still married with a child and a mortgage. I've found myself again. 

Tonight will be no different. I just have to make sure that I don't build this particular night out up too much and expect these things to happen. As long as I have a good time and pass as me 2.0, that will be all I could hope for.

A small setback today. Nothing major, just a spanner in the works. You see, I wasn't going to my own Christmas do, me 2.0 was. Great, another outing and a free meal throw in. However, my area manager has decided that he wants to come, so now it means that I have to go instead. Me 2.0 had an outfit planned and everything. As my manager said, he couldn't really say no and I know that he couldn't.

The good thing is that another party has come up. A good friend of mine (not the shopping trip friend), invited me 2.0 to a gig at an arts centre in the local city. It's the music of the 1920's and 1930's spun into the 21st century. After looking at the website and on you tube, me 2.0 said yes. So, tickets are booked and the outfit is chosen. Me 2.0 gave my credit card a small dent to buy some 'accessories'. Shoes, a belt and a clutch bag I think. I presume they are being delivered to work, so I guess I'll find out soon enough. I do need to, before the party, book a back wax. The dress is a bit low cut at the back, so I don't want me 2.0 looking a bit hairy. The things I suffer for her art!

Good news on the work front. I finally have a leaving date for my current branch - 28th February and I will, until the new branch opens, be working at the nearest store to the new branch, so, according to my area manager, I can 'get a feel for the area and the customers, whilst planning the new store'. Scheduled opening is now early May. Lets hope all goes to plan............

Shame about the Christmas do - I had a very pretty dress picked out to wear. The whole look was planned. I am a little sad that I'm not going but it is probably best that I don't. However, my monthly shopping trip to the local city with my good friend is coming up, so plenty of new stuff to buy and the party next month means I will be out and about. There are also a few extra days off looming for me 1.0, so more trips out could be on the horizon. Well, I can't stop now, can I? If me 1.0 thinks I've finished the spending with the accessories, he's got another thing coming! (Depends on if there's anything left after my birthday spend up!!) There are 4 items due (the other is a bra) and I do need a few more essential items/accessories. I'm sure we can come to a compromise.....;)

I have a confession to make. I've been a bit naughty and been a bit of a catfish. To those who don't know what a 'Catfish' is, in this context, here is a brief description:
This is a person who pretends to be someone they are not, usually on social media, to pursue deceptive online romances.

Now, I haven't tried to pursue any online romances and, strictly speaking, I'm not pretending to be someone else. I am being a person I want to be. Let me explain the situation...........In a state of slightly inebriated merriment last Saturday evening, I decided to create a profile for my female half on a dating website. The purpose of this, was to see if could pass as female to a wider audience and by doing this, finally get it into my head that I am not just me in a dress and makeup. So, I chose a site at random and created a profile - using information that relates to myself. The only information changed was my date of birth and my gender.

I uploaded 3 photos, (the best I could find on my phone) and then waited to see what would happen. Now, I wasn't expecting much as I thought people would see that it was a bloke in a wig and makeup. So, 6 days later, much to my surprise, I have received 72 messages, 77 men want to meet me and 8 men have made me their favourite. I must state that I have not messaged any men back, or said I would meet any of them or made any my favourite. I intend to delete the profile on Sunday as I don't think it is right to carry it on and give false hope to people.  

I know some people will take a dim view of my actions and I don't blame them.  A few years ago, I would have been the same. However, in my quest to educate my mind that I can pass as a female, I saw this as a good opportunity to reaffirm what my friends are telling me. I know that it is not a controlled experiment - more of a 'run it up the flagpole and see how it flies' kind of thing. I do feel better in myself for doing it and now feel more confident that I can pass as a female in certain lights and situations. I do need to practice more and do more things as my female half to gain more confidence in myself and by doing that will make me look and act female to the general public. If you are confident in yourself, this will show through to other people.

I'm hoping that this will be true in a few weeks, when the Christmas do is finally booked. Not my Christmas do, my male half. You see, he's not going - I am. Why? Well, the manager and the full time member of staff both know about me, but the new part timer doesn't. From speaking to her, she kept going on about her girlfriend. So, I felt that I could be introduced to her, hoping that I would be accepted. 

So, my male half introduced me to her. Her first response - "Can I see any pictures?'' and after viewing the pictures, " You would get me into trouble!". We then got talking about the do and I joked that I should come half and half and she said why not come as me? So, I am going instead of him! I already have my outfit, but think I am going to have to accessory shopping!! Now, where has he hidden the credit card..............!!

Happy new year everyone! As this is the 50th post, I thought I'd better share my hopes and dreams for 2015. 

To start, 2014 was a major voyage of discovery. It was the year where I was accepted fully by most of my friends - I still have a couple of people to tell - and a year where I started to feel more comfortable with my own gender issues. The start of the 2014 was not a good time for me. However, I have come a long way since then and I now want to continue on the journey I have started.

2015 will be a pivotal year for me. This year should determine whether I wish to continue to explore the avenue of changing my gender to the way my mind feels it should be or whether I just continue come out every now and again. To do this I will be blurring the lines between myself and my normal daily alter ego. This maybe dressing at home more, or just wearing a bit of makeup now and again. Its just me wanting to be myself and being comfortable.

My job situation will be changing. That is a definite. I am moving from my current location next month to a new store. Then possibly another job outside of my current company. It will be good to get away from my current location and start a new challenge. 

My other hopes and dreams for 2015? I dream of being in a relationship where I can be me and that person will respect me for who I am. I want to go out more, on my own and with friends. I hope to be able to help my friends realise their resolutions and achieve their goals. I dream of being to tell everyone about me so I can really be comfortable in my own skin. I hope to be able to select a look that I can use everyday and settle on that style.Some of these may be realised, some won't. I mustn't get too disheartened if they don't all happen. After all, they are only hopes and dreams!

With all this in mind, last night I decided that I would start 2015 as I intend to go on. I went in the role I feel most comfortable in. It was my way of making a statement about the year ahead. Me as I feel I should be, with a couple of good friends and a lot of alcohol. The best way to see in the new year!

Just a simple look with a hint of cleavage! I really like this new hair style, so this may become my everyday look. I do have another idea in mind  - Zooey Deschanel. That is a work in progress. If anyone else has any other ideas, I value any comments.

Hope you all have a fabulous 2015 and remember to be who you want to be. xxxxxxxxxx