It is that time of year when people start to think about their New Year Resolutions. I usually make some, but, like most people, break them very quickly. I thought that 2014 might be different. Given the issues that I have and the time frame relating to those issues, I think a major overhaul of my life is in order and a couple of decent resolutions will help.

So, here are my resolutions for 2014:
Lose weight and become healthier. As I advance in age, I can feel the worries of the world taking it's toll. Time to start cutting out the pasties/pies/chocolate/crisps/convenience food that has become my staple diet and time to start moving my quietly growing belly and do some proper physical exercise. This is also a starting point should I want to transition - getting my body and mind in the best shape possible for any major changes.
Forget the past. I have been dwelling too much on the past recently. I am still hurting over my divorce - the situation surrounding it, my upbringing, my general lot in life. The counselling will help with that. Time to cut some of my ties with the past, be it people, places, possessions. 
Be who I want to be. The biggie. This is the year for deciding who I am and whom I want to be. The gender group and the counselling combined should help with this one. I was leaning to one side but after the festive period, the scales have evened up a little. I have also decided, with regard to this one, to dress more often as my alter ego, go out more often as my alter ego and later on in the year, try and live for a day or two as my alter ego. I also want to act more as the person who occupies my head - not what society dictates.

So, three little resolutions to implement next year. Should not be too difficult. Much.

Christmas. Christmas, Christmas, Christmas. I was not looking forward to it and now I am glad it is over. I did not put my decorations up, I did not do any extra food shopping and did most of my present shopping at the last minute. To be honest, I am glad it is over. I will be even better when 2013 is over.

I have had a good Christmas with my family and close friends - I just have bad memories of this time of year. Each year is getting better, but at present I just cannot get into the swing of it. I want to enjoy the season, I just cannot get into the spirit without anyone special to share it with. As a single person, it is a very lonely time of year, especially if you have no one to go to or come to you. I was lucky to be able to spend it with my family, many people are not.

Spending time with my family has got me thinking about my gender confusion. Some of the comments that have been said and the questions asked of me have given me even more to think about. I feel that it will be even harder to explain to my family now, should I decide to transition. The comments of 'This time next year you can bring your girlfriend' or 'Times getting on for you, isn't it' are not what I wanted to hear.

All I can hope for is a better 2014, not only for me but some of my friends as well. 2013 has not been a good year for me. Definitely a year to forget. 

I went out for a drink (well a cola as I was driving) with a close friend last night. In our own ways, we have both had a difficult couple of days. Mine is still my mental fragility, my friends is physically which is affecting her mentally. We chatted about our problems, how we are feeling and where our problems are coming from. Then my friend said something about this blog which got me thinking.....

This blog is intended to help me empty my mind of any thoughts that are affecting my life and sleep. Usually this means that the blog is full of frustration, negative thoughts and sadness. It is a reflection of my mental state at that time. My friend suggested that I start to write about some more positive aspects of my life. Start to include the good points as well as the bad ones. This would give me and the readers of this blog a more balanced view of the progress I am making through my issues and the (hopefully) more positive outcomes in the future. I am at the beginning of a long journey - I will have good days and I will have bad days.

So.....one piece of good news, is the phone call confirming my face to face counselling session. It is not until February, but at least I have a confirmed start date now. That is now another positive step in my progression forward. I have also decided on the changes I am going to make in the new year. I intend to lose weight and tone up, grow my hair, dress more as my alter ego - at home and when going out and increase my savings. These will all help me should I decide to transition. I have to change my mindset and I see this as a good way of achieving this.

The next few weeks will be hard to get through as Christmas is not the happiest time of year for me. I am trying to stay positive. I am wondering whether to put my decorations up or not. Only I am going to see them. It may make me feel better, it may not. Only time will tell. 

I am having trouble with my mind. It is up to it's old tricks again. It keeps going over the same subjects again and again. It is starting to affect my sleep again - waking up before the alarm and going over things again and again. There are two main subjects this time. One is wanting to cause my ex and the perpetrators of the divorce untold harm and the other is transitioning to female and being in a loving relationship. I have a long way to go before I may reach that stage regarding the transitioning, but the causing untold harm I will be able to deal with sooner. 

My physical health is a concern as well as my mental health at the moment. It is a catch 22 situation. One affects the other which affects the other. Round and round and round we go. I have had a bad bout of food poisoning, a bad head cold and general malaise. This has affected my mental health by me not wanting to socialise much and wanting to stay in. (I am supposed to be at a party tonight, but I am just not in the party mood). In the mornings I feel sick and dizzy and when I get home all I want to do is curl up in a ball and leave the world behind. Some days are better than others. Today is a mediocre day. 

I have been researching transitioning recently and getting an idea of what is involved and the initial steps I have to take. The road to transitioning is a long one - it could and probably will take many years, a lot of heartache and a lot of money. So, I have decided in the new year to make a few changes which will help me should I eventually decide to transition. These will also help me to improve my mental and physical health as well as providing a basis for any future changes. My mental health is going to come under a heavy burden should I transition. I have to be prepared for rejection - from friends and family, abuse - both verbal and physical, elation, hormonal changes, physical changes from being male to female and the challenge of transitioning in the workplace. My workplace has a high percentage of male customers and staff, some of whom will be OK and will accept and some of which I expect will not be able to accept it. Currently, I am in no fit state to cope with any of that, let alone make a coherent decision on transitioning.

I am hoping 2014 will be the year that I finally find out who I want to be, a year for improving my mental health and finally moving on from my past. I have a long road ahead of me to achieve that. It cannot be any worse than the last two years have been. I just want to feel loved again, held again and needed. Is that too much to ask?

Mixed emotions at the moment. I keep going over my marriage break up - not in a emotionally bad way, but in a 'I need to know why' way. I have been thinking a lot about the lead up to the split and what happened for my ex to suddenly drop the bombshell. We'd had a bad year, but we were working things out and we were planning for the future. We had been to marriage counselling and they had set us on the right path to improve our marriage.

The night before she told me, we were laughing and chatting and there was nothing out of the ordinary. We were living at her parents at the time, while we waited to buy a new flat. She went out with some friends for the evening and she was coming back about 12. I went for a drink with a friend and for a laugh, we would surprise her by meeting up with her. She took offence at this when I said I was coming to see her. So, I went home. She wasn't home by 12, so I text her. She said she would be home by 3am. 3am came and went, so I text her again. She said she would be home by 4am. Then at 4am, she text me to say she would not be home and she was saying with one of her friends. We had a text argument for a while until she did not answer, so I went to bed.

The next morning, There was a loud knock at the front door as she could not get in. Her parents double locked the door at night. I went to open it. She had a face like thunder, stormed up to the bedroom, took off her wedding rings and said she wanted a divorce. I did not see it coming. I have my suspicions and information as to what happened and the people involved in causing the break up, but I have no concrete proof. This was not her own decision and I know she told people that she did  not want a divorce. So, why? There is no chance of me asking her as from that point on, she avoided me like the plague. This is one bit of closure that I will never probably find, but I must find a way of dealing with it. My only crumb of hope is that she still cannot seem to get over the fact that I am still seeing most of our joint friends, whereas she has alienated most of them. 

I hope my upcoming counselling will help me to put this chapter behind me. This is the one issue that I have struggled with the most. The feeling of rejection - the bereavement of losing someone you loved hurts far more than anyone realises. The feeling that the one person you loved more that anything, can just toss you aside like a piece of rubbish and forget everything you shared together and erasing all traces of you out of their life, is a very hard one to deal with and for me, has not been a easy one to deal with and I am still not over it. I have nights where I want to kill her as painfully as possible, or make her suffer as much as she has made me suffer. I can only hope that karma comes back to haunt her in a major way and causes her lots of emotional distress. Is that the wrong thing to hope for? Probably, but that's my problem.

On a bit of a downer at the moment. It is a feeling of wanting to do something but knowing if you do it, it may be for the wrong reasons. Let me explain further......

The title of this blog is 'My struggle with my alter ego'. Since going to my doctor a few weeks ago, things have improved with regard to some of the issues that I have. However, this in itself seems to have created another problem with my alter ego. I was advised to visit a gender group in the local city, which I have twice now. There I have spoken to various people in various stages of transition and they have in turn given me numerous issues to think about, ie: Do I want kids? Am I prepared for the possible negative reaction from people? Am I prepared for the major upheaval that transitioning will create? With all these issues now occupying my brain as well, you can see my dilemma. 

The feelings of wanting to transition are growing day by day. I have dreams of being in a relationship as a female, being treated as a female, going out as a female. I am longing to be held tight, cuddled, caressed as a female. I am finding it harder to keep functioning and acting male at the moment. I feel like I am only acting male out of necessity and because I have to. The more I think about it, the more it gets me down. So by dealing with one problem, it is creating another.

I realise that I cannot make that kind of decision in my current state of mind. It is a major life changing event that cannot be reversed. It will require me being in a good state of mind and to have sorted out all the issues that I currently face. Some I can work on soon, some are mid term and one will be a long term issue that will be affected should I transition or not.  I am taking each day as it comes. Some are better than others. I need to try and deal with this somehow. How, well, I do not know as yet. Hopefully I will work it out.