Regular readers of this blog will know that I do open up my heart and will say how I am feeling, my fears, my dreams and my insecurities. You know all about my ups and downs, my pride in how far I've come, but also how far I have to go. My problem is that I procrastinate. I tend to say 'I'll do this' or 'I'll do that', but when it comes round to it, I never do. I have always been like this. Ever since I was a little person. It's a habit I find very hard to break.

Where is this all leading? Well, it all started with a drink in the local bar with a very good friend of mine. My friend has always been very supportive of me 2.0 and continues to be. This was one person I was afraid of telling them to begin with, because of their relationship with my ex and her family. However, we have become a very good friends and they have become a very good confidante. We were talking about our lives - what we are up to, their problems and my problems and trying to see things from another point of view. 

We spoke at length about how we are both feeling. Although this blog is about me and my struggles, the conversation was split 50/50 and wasn't one sided. So, why do I have issues? The same issues are there as before, but my current situation has brought them to the fore again. You see, I am currently between branches of my company. I am awaiting my new branch to open and I am floating between branches. Now, I like things to do - projects to sink my teeth into. I can't do that at the moment, so I'm feeling very lost. This is impacting on my private life though. 

It's been just over three years since I split from my ex. The relationship had been on a downward spiral for about two years previous to that, so I guess that means that I have now gone five years without any real emotional bond with anyone. No one to be close to, intimate with, be affectionate with. Suddenly, this has become a big issue. The feeling of loneliness has hit home and hit hard. This, however, leads to other issues. The title of this blog - The Struggle with my Alter Ego - is what is stopping me from dealing with that situation. Now, I should be well on my way to dealing with that, but, when times have been good, as the last year has been on an upward trend, things get pushed back, to deal with later. Procrastination.

My gender issues are coming back and I do need to deal with them. I can't move forward any further until I properly deal with them. At the moment, if I picture myself in a relationship, I can only see myself as if I was me 2.0 permanently. Whether this is because I have not had an affectionate relationship for so long and as I long to be held tight and caressed as a perceived female, is this swaying my view. Does it mean that I may not be heterosexual? Am I Bi? Do I crave the stereotypical female role? I feel more female than male at times - does that make me androgynous? It's a minefield of decisions to make and paths to take. I don't believe that there is only male or female or heterosexual or gay. We are all somewhere in between the two points of each category. I just haven't found my spots yet.

I still need to tell people about me 2.0. I need to tell my mum. I need to tell her about what is troubling me. I need to have her feedback and view and how she feels.  She knows something is up and so far, hasn't pushed it. I also need to tell two of my other friends. He is, well, not very receptive to any kind of alternative lifestyle and his better half, I don't know how she will take it. I may be surprised or I may be angry. Only time will tell. 

I also need to address my sleep issues. I am having chronic insomnia at the moment and that is adding to the whole package of issues to deal with. It may be that if I deal with some of my other problems, that the sleep issue will start to resolve itself. I have already started to be me 2.0 again, so that's a start. The feelings I have when dressed though are immense and I do have a comedown when I have to become me 1.0 again. Me 2.0 will be in London on Thursday. This will be a real test as I will be me 2.0 all day. From when I go out in the morning until the time I come home in the evening. This will give me a brief view as to how it would be if I was me 2.0 full time. 

I will try to keep you updated as to my progress and I will try to take piccies of my trip to London. Fingers crossed. xxxx

Hello! Just a quick update as to where we are, both mentally and physically ;) Been a bit up and down this month, but me 2.0 has managed to make an appearance and me 2.0 will be out in London next week. Have been on a week off this week, however this has been marred by a severe lack of sleep and lack of money to actually do much. Boo!

Here are a couple of piccies of last nights fun:

Having more fun tonight - hopefully a Eurovision party/gathering so there should be more piccies tomorrow. xx

Um......before I start I must apologise for the prolonged hiatus. I have had a rollercoaster of emotions for the past few months, with waiting for my new store to materialise, the frustration of not being able to do the job I'm paid for, a bout of the flu and a cold which just won't shift. However, I am back and other than my job, raring to go. I have the dual personality itch again which I am longing to scratch!!

So, what has bought me back to life. In a nutshell, a couple of months of being a bit of a recluse, the sunnier weather (In the UK - about 1 days worth a year!) and my upcoming week off have re-energised me. I have found my mojo again and I am now trying to create some order in my life and change things up a bit. From clearing out some old tat, thinning out me 1.0's clothes, to exercising more and eating healthily, change was necessary. 

A cleaner mind and a tidier place to live do change your perspective on life, in my view. I helps you to sort things out in your mind better, deal with life's general crap better and give you a brighter outlook on life. Given my issues over the past year and the fact that I was on an upward trend generally, life decided to throw in a few spoilers. This spring clean has picked my back up, dusted me down and give me a healthy kick up the backside. Slowly and steadily, I am on my way back to me again.

Now, as for me 2.0, she has taken a back seat for the past few months. The general malaise that robbed me of my mojo, meant that showing my inner self to the outside world became a major chore, even though I should have been embracing it. I worked out that it was exactly two months between outings - 28th Feb and 1st May. To be honest, it was good, no, fantastic to get me 2.0 out again. All the reasons why I enjoy the freedom of me 2.0 have flooded back - hence the need to scratch the itch.
This has started with an outing to London. I shall let me 2.0 explain more.....

Hiya! Me again. Sorry for the enforced absence - me 1.0 has had a few issues which has meant that I've had to take a back seat. The thing is, I could have helped, if only me 1.0 had let me in. Me 1.0 knows I'm always there for them - they only have to ask.

The trip to London. A couple of months ago, a close friend of mine had told me about a sequel to my favourite stage show - The Rocky Horror Show. Shock Treatment was the sequel and it had been adapted for the first time as a stage show. The venue was a small theatre in Islington - The Kings Head Theatre. I jumped at the chance to go - a trip away from the comfort of my normal surroundings. So, tickets booked, I was looking forward to my new adventure. However.......with me 1.0's hiatus from life, I wasn't sure if I would be going. It was touch and go at one point, but I think me 1.0 saw the light and decided to put me in a new situation.

This was also a chance to go shopping, of course. I couldn't decide what to wear - I looked at my wardrobe and there no inspiration. What was I to do? Now, me 1.0 has always been a bit wary of going shopping for me, but to give me 1.0 their due, they did well! Some new 3/4 length jeans, a new cardie and a few new accessories all made their debut in London. My aim was to blend in and just look natural. To me, I did.

After glamming(!) up, I walked to my friends - they were driving up. It's only about ten minutes down the road. It was in broad daylight in rush hour, along a busy main road. Did I feel nervous? A bit. Until I started walking along the road. Then I felt absolutely.........normal. I was being me. Why should I worry what anybody else thought? The walk was over before I knew it and we were on our way.

The drive up was uneventful and we arrived in Islington in good time. We decided to go for food - we opted for Mexican. Now, at this point, I have to say I was wearing a pair of nude wedges. Unfortunately, they decided to cut into my left foot after only a short walk. Luckily, I had taken my flats and my gallant knight in shining armour (my friends husband), retrieved them for me. As I don't wear heels that often, my 1.0's feet are not battle hardened. This we will have to work on.

The meal was fab. Really tasty and really reasonably priced - even for London. By the time we had finished, we had a couple of hours to go still - the show started at 11.59 pm - so we wandered off to find a decent pub. Most of them had been turned into either shops or restaurants. We then decided to go to the venue. The Kings Head Theatre is conveniently on the back of the Kings Head Pub. Weird, I know! The venue is nice, but it was too loud to talk properly. It was absolutely heaving and even the mellow background music was loud. The highlights were the fact that me 1.0's current favourite beer was on tap and the fact that a GG (genetic female) told me I looked gorgeous. Now, that was a real boost to the system. Up to this point I had not had many second glances and had, in my eyes, blended right in. 

I do feel a difference in the way I am treated when I am me 1.0 and me 2.0. Now, it may seem a bit cliched, but as me 2.0, doors are held open for me, I get smiled at more but, I do feel I am judged on my appearance more. As for me 1.0, I never get a second look, I hold open the doors and I never get smiled at! To me, it seems that some stereotypical gender bias is still alive and kicking.

Finally it was time for the show. We made our way into the tiny theatre and took out seats. The capacity was just over 100 seats, so it made for a very intimate atmosphere. For the purposes of the story, this worked well. The show is set in a TV studio, so we were effectively the studio audience. I won't spoil the story for you, but it was brilliant. A-maz-ing. We all really enjoyed it. The cast were really good and the intimate atmosphere made for a good show. However, all good things must come to an end and we had to come home. It was about 2AM and we were all a bit frazzled. I remembered that I couldn't get straight into bed when I came home - I had a few things to clear up...........

The bed looked even worse!! The perils of being me 2.0. With that, I had to go. Back to reality........

As you can see/read, life is getting better. Me 2.0 is due to be out a lot on my week off and may even be going to London again at the end of the month. That was certain, but as a spa treatment may be on offer beforehand, do I want to enjoy my treatment and relax for the rest of the day or do I have the treatment and then transform into me 2.0 and lose some of that relaxation? I have thought about being a bit androgynous - no major transformation, just a few no gender specific pieces of clothing and a splash of makeup. Try something different. A change is as good as a rest ;) xxxx