Well. What a week. Monday stated off OK. Looking forward to my course on Tuesday. Monday night, attack of the undercooked sausage. Food poisoning by my own fair hand. I cooked my dinner, ate it, felt fine for a few hours, then BAM!!  - instant food reappearance. Two hours later, early on Tuesday morning, with a very sore stomach, I could finally leave the bathroom. However, I could take in no fluid, as it would come straight back up. I could only wet my lips. 

I do not remember much of Tuesday. I spent most of it asleep, once I could finally get to sleep. Only woke up to use the toilet or try and have a drink of water. I finally arose from my sick bed, for any length of time, at about 10am on Wednesday morning. I ached from head to toe. I could hardly move. Even a hot shower could not free up the joints enough. Had to try to, had to go and get some basic foods that I could actually digest. Namely bread and digestive biscuits.

After quickly going shopping and coming back for lightly buttered toast and a glass of orange squash, I felt vaguely human again. I then received a text from one of my friends, to whom my ex wife had decided to have a go at in the local hypermarket where I used to live. I do not know the full details of what happened - I am due to find out this weekend, but if it is true, I find that disappointing, to say the least. I expected more from her. The sad thing is, she was also with her sister, who has supposedly made comments about the parentage of my friends daughter. I cannot make any judgements until I have spoken to both parties (but that will not include my ex), but it is an unacceptable thing to do.

This, unfortunately, has been playing on my mind over the past few days. Affecting my sleep and making me dream and imagine the death of everyone around me, at my own hands. It is annoying that this is still happening, even after all this time. 

Thursday, on the whole, was a very positive day. I was scheduled to have a telephone consultation with a counsellor with regard to my mental health issues. After a 40 minute consultation, I am being recommended for face to face counselling. Which is exactly what I wanted. Another piece of the long term jigsaw is falling into place. This should help me work through the issues other than my gender. 

New dress!! New dress!! New dress!! She received a new dress today. A simple black dress with a red decoration around the neck. She hasn't tried it on yet, but I think she will on Sunday. If all goes to plan next week, she should be going out on Tuesday night. She won't have a lot of time to get ready, so she is a bit nervous. 

It is going to be a long week, next week. Six days at work, with supposedly no lunch breaks. Hmmm, we will see.

This week has been better. Slowly getting more issues sorted in my mind with regard to the gender debate. The bad feelings have subsided this week, although today I have been a bit on the down side. 

I went to the gender group again this week. It was very helpful. I have thought long and hard about the issues raised last week and got the chance to talk about some of those this week. The feelings inside me are gaining momentum at the moment. I am dreaming of transitioning and becoming female. I am dreaming of being in a loving relationship with someone who cares for me deeply. Someone who will hold me in their arms, love me, caress me, and look after me. I think that as I have not felt that for so long, that is my ideal outcome. I have to be realistic about any outcome, otherwise it may set me back again in the future.

However, I am not in any fit state to make a decision at the moment. It will be a life changing decision, whatever I decide. As long as I make the right decision and regain my confidence.......

It has been a long week for me. Six days of work; boring work. The atmosphere has been better this week. There is a faint flicker of enjoyment again. Only very faint, mind. I am on a course this week for a couple of days. A chance to have a meal and hotel stay on my company. Plus a few drinks. It will be nice to have a change of scenery, even if it is to do with work.

I have a telephone consultation regarding my counselling this week. This is to determine whether I need full counselling or not. The wonders of the NHS. I know I need to talk to someone other than my friends (who I am so lucky to have); who is removed from my situation and the problems it has created. We will see how that turns out. If I don't get any counselling, it will be a major setback. As I cannot take any medication for the depression, this is my way of dealing with my feelings and issues.

She has been invited out next week. A meal in Brighton. All week she has been wondering what to wear. I think she wants a new outfit. She is complaining that she hasn't got anything to wear. Her wardrobe is getting bigger than mine! She says that she wants to try a different look, but isn't sure what look to go for. I think it will depend on what money she has. I know it is a bit tight on the financial front at the moment, so I think she will be going bargain hunting. More shopping!!

I have a quiet week, this week. Not a lot planned on the social front. I have a couple of friends coming over on Wednesday for a drink, which I am looking forward to. Other than that, my diary is empty. In a way, I am glad and in a way, I am sad. I need the time to try and gain the enthusiasm to make changes to my life but need people around to give my the impetus to do them. 

My emotions are confusing me at the moment. After having an alcoholic Saturday night with good friends (my first in ages), a kind friend putting me up afterwards and a visit to my family, I was a very happy person. After coming home, I decided to put on the TV and started to watch an american sitcom. One of the main characters had just buried their dad (not the usual sitcom fair) and the scene was very moving and sad. I started to cry. The tears just welled up and started to run down my face. No rhyme or reason. Whether it was a subconscious reaction or not, I just do not know. I must be honest, I am feeling more emotional recently. Anger, hate, sadness, happiness, contentment - I do not know from one hour to the next how I am going to feel.

Gender group again tomorrow. Only my second meeting. I will not be able to go again for a few weeks - work commitments. I also wanted to go as Danielle tomorrow, but I won't be able to. No time to get ready as I can only leave work at two. By the time I have got home, changed and back out to the local city, it will be about three thirty. I am going to try and go on a weekly basis and I am lucky that my employer is going to try and accommodate my Tuesday meeting as part of my rota.

I have started to think about all the issues involved in transitioning. The list is not exhaustive, only the tip of the iceberg, but there is plenty to think about. Some of the major issues are at the start. Telling friends and family. This is a crucial time. This will set the tone for the whole transition. The whole of my support network will be determined on the acceptance of my decision. Could I cope with rejection? I know I have a good number of close friends who will support me whatever I decide, but I know I have family members who will not and will not want to understand. I have a lot to think about as well as my other issues to deal with. I will deal with it all, one piece at a time.

I do not know when she will be back around. She doesn't seem to have any freetime coming up. It does make me sad. I enjoy her being around. She makes me feel alive. I know that I can be natural around her. 
She would love to come round more, that I do know. I think we need to make more time for each other. I think at least once a week, we should meet up. I know it would be good for me. I feel loved when she is near. She knows exactly where I am coming from. She has seen me at my best and my worse. 

Luckily, I have a quiet week. A time to recuperate, relax and put some actions into place. A time to make some positive changes and changes to suit me. My appearance being one. What form they are going to take......you will have to wait and see!!

It's been a week of ups and downs, luckily more ups than downs.
The situation at work on Monday was dealt with. I have calmed down about that one for the time being. My manager popped into the branch on Wednesday, so he now knows how I feel. Everything at work has been OK until this morning. Let me explain..............
On Monday, I spoke to my colleague about using my early day hour, to come in late on Friday. I was going to a gig in the local city and that would mean that I could go, stay out and still get a decent nights sleep - something which has been sadly lacking recently. We spoke and I said that I would add the hour to it that I had not taken a couple of weeks ago. That made two hours, meaning that I would be in at ten o'clock.
Nine o'clock this morning, I get a text message. 'U coming to work?', then 'Hello?' as I had not answered within the prerequisite time period that colleague had desired. This then descended into a text slanging match between us, basically saying that I had only been allocated one hour this week and I am not the boss and to wind my neck in. So I was wrong and my colleague was right. Given the state of my mind recently, this was not a good option of hers to attack me. So, I fought back. I answered all of their texts with mostly reasoned arguments and was not backing down. If they had forgotten about it, that's their problem, not mine. This is also the same colleague that told me to get over what had happened on Monday - so that's what I told them. They could not really answer that. I think that they expected me to back down and apologise, but I, in my mind, had done nothing wrong.

The thing is, this is the first morning where I'd had a decent nights sleep, had not had any acid indigestion and had not felt sick. I was feeling really good for once. Then, the text message came. The sickness and acid indigestion came back. I thought, why am I feeling like this. I'm right and they are wrong. The wonders of the human mind.

The rest of the week has been positive. Tuesday, my day off, was my chance to visit the gender group in the local city. I took my friend for moral support. I was very nervous - I did not know what to expect. My heart was pounding as we approached the centre where the group was meeting. I did not need to worry. They were all very approachable. I chatted to people at all stages of transition, sharing their experiences, the facilitator who explained my options, things I had to think about and what my next steps were. The psychotherapist also had a quick chat with me to see where my head was and why I had come.

I came away with a head full of new information, lots of things that I need to think about if I were to transition and an invite to the next meal the group have. I now have to try and get Tuesday afternoons or Tuesday as my day off, so I can go to the group. I can go as myself or as my alter ego.

She has been in my thoughts this week. I have not been able to see her this week. In a way, it hurts that she has not been here, but I understand that she can be a little shy and has her own life. She has an invite to a meal with a new group. I think she is looking forward to it. She has mentioned shopping for a new outfit to go to the meal, so I think I will be joining her on her search for the perfect outfit. I think it will depend on the financial situation.I know she is nervous about meeting the new group, as I was. I think she will be OK. They seem a very accepting group of people.

Thursday evening was also very good. Went with two very good friends to a gig in the local city, as I mentioned above. We saw three bands; one was OK, the other two were excellent. I must admit that I enjoyed the second act more than the main act!! I think the knowledge of a lie in and the good music contributed to my good mood.

Tomorrow evening should also be good. Being able to have a decent drink without having to drive is a good feeling. I can let my hair down for the first time in ages. Good drink and good friends - a recipe for a good, if drunken night!!

Everything was going well until a text message arrived this evening. Now, I want to maim my branch manager or at least spear him with a sharpened extension pole.
Let me explain. This blog is charting my struggles within. Gender is one aspect of my current fragile mental state, the other being work. After being told that I could not apply for the two jobs that were my next step - without any real reasons why, I have been questioning my worth at work. That, coupled with basically being taken advantage of by my area manager, my branch managers lack of getting even the basics right and his inability to pass on the minimum of info needed to run the branch in his absence mean that I feel physically sick - and often am - before I even go to work.

The text message. Monday the 11th of November 2013. My branch manager is on holiday for a week. The new full timer has her day off. I am in, as is the full timer due on maternity leave. The full timer has a dentist appointment tomorrow, mid morning. My branch manager knew this on Friday. We had a discussion regarding my feelings about work and how I have to babysit him as he forgets to do things that he should be doing - the basics. HE FORGETS TO TELL ME THAT I WILL BE ON MY OWN MONDAY AND DOES NOT GET ME ANY COVER!!!! I think that constitutes a basic. It is one of a long line of problems that I have to clear up that he has created. Hence now you can see why I want to maim him.

I need her to be here with me. These feelings of anger, violence and hatred can only be dissipated by her. I must make time for her this week. I am going to have to ask an enormous amount of her this week. This week is going to be an extreme test of my sanity and I am not hopeful. She may be the only one to stop me from going over the edge.

Two days away from the cause of this weeks problems, combined with an increase in sleep, has helped me to recover from Wednesdays issues. After having a panic attack on Wednesday night/Thursday morning (insomnia reared it's ugly head again), I knew I could not put myself through the situation. I needed sleep to be able to even start to deal with the situation. I could not look at it objectively and needed to have a clearer head.

I still feel low, scared and just want to stay in the comfort of my own home. I still just want to pull the duvet around me and want the world to go away. I did manage to pull myself out to a friends birthday gathering at the local dog racing track. Four close friends, some fast food and even breaking even on my bets did help my mood. It was good to see a group of friendly faces and have a laugh. I almost did not get there at all. After two major incidents on the local roads - the main roads to get from where I live to the track, the jams were huge. Luckily, I know the back roads fairly well, combined with my sense of direction (I have not lost that skill, yet), I managed to get there just in time.

She has been invited out next week. To a gig in the local city with some friends. It will depend on timing. She's not the quickest at getting ready. It takes her a bit longer than most girls to get ready. She doesn't go out often and although she is getting quicker, she still cannot get it any quicker! She hopes she can go - she enjoys going out and enjoys dressing up and making herself look good. It gives her such a thrill to try new things. I enjoy it when she comes out. After so long without seeing her, I am really enjoying her company and help in this very difficult struggle I am facing.

Going out for a drink with a good friend tonight. He has been through some of the problems I have been through recently and can see where I'm coming from. It will be good to talk to him.

Meh. After a good few days, one of which she came out for, today has been a crappy day. I'm tired, fed up, cannot be bothered with it anymore.

I'm off of work for one day and I find that my boss needs more babysitting than the new member of staff. Useless is an understatement. I understand that he has had a distressing incident in this life recently and I have to make compromises due to that fact, but, when my boss cannot even get the basics right, I have to shovel up the crap he leaves behind. Coupled with the fact that I am extremely tired, feel crap and generally don't want to get up in the morning, the day wasn't off to a good start.

What tipped me over the edge today, was the fact that we had a delivery in this morning at about 10.30 am. I had to cash up and go to the bank before 11 am as a member of staff (an experienced one at that) had a midwife appointment at 2pm, so she had to leave by 1pm. This meant that we were able to fit two lunch breaks in before 1.
I come back from my lunch to find out that the delivery had not been checked off and that we were due to receive our biggest delivery of the week from our main depot. I know the staff had not been busy as I had been in the store for most of my break. So, given my current situation, I snapped. 
Now, my way of dealing with it, involves sarcasm and the throwing of inanimate objects. So that is what happened. The experienced member of staff should know that the delivery needs to be checked off. This experienced member of staff has also been very good to me over the past 18 months and knows of my current situation. We have always said what happens in work stays in work. I found out this afternoon that she has unfriended me on Facebook and has basically cut all contact with me. Now, I have had to make compromises for her pregnancy and other requests, but she was unwilling to make any compromises for my situation. She is a selfish individual at times and really only wants what she wants. In a way, I am pleased that we have no contact and in a way I am sad. She has been good to me, but cannot see things from any other perspective than her own. I fear for her unborn child. I'm sure she will be a good mother, but fear for the lack of compassion that may be instilled into it.

I also had to pay £98 for the privilege of signing a new one year lease on my flat. A crap day all round.
Tomorrow, I am supposed to be going on a First Aid refresher course. I can't face it. I just can't deal with practicals and assessments. I can't concentrate as it is and I really don't want to go. All I want to do is curl up in my duvet and hope the world goes away.

She came out last night. A friends birthday do in Brighton. A meal and bowling. She looked good, if a little slutty. Long blonde hair, short black dress with a hint of cleavage, teamed with knee high boots. She got a few glances but she seemed to like it. She was good bowling as well. First in the first game and second in the second game. The dress was a little too short for bowling though!! Her legs looked stunning though!! She really didn't want it to end. Alas, she had to come home and her short visit was over.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day. I can only hope it is. It can't get any worse, surely?

No blog for a few days, Sorry!! What with visitors and trips to the cinema (to see a play?) there just hasn't been time.

How am I? Well, I am having periods of self doubt, periods of anger, periods of feeling worthless. I don't like it. I am not used to it. I can't get used to having so many feelings in such a short space of time. That makes things worse. I am not feeling as low as I did last week, but I still have a long way to go.

I was lucky enough to have a friend visit my humble abode on Wednesday. We were meant to go out for a drink, but we spent about four hours just talking. We talked about anything and everything. We talked about my problems, their problems and our histories. It was very therapeutic and it was good to share things with someone as sympathetic as this person is. They are also having their own issues at the moment, so it was good to be able to share thoughts and help each other.

Last night, I went to the cinema to see a National Theatre production of Frankenstein at the local multiplex with a couple of friends. Benedict Cumberbatch as the monster and Jonny Lee Millar as Victor. It was a very good production and the performances were amazing. Afterwards, we went for dinner. On the way there, I had a revelation. It was something one of my friends said and it flicked a switch in my overworked brain. I asked my self this question : Why does everyone who I should love, like my Mum, Dad and now ex wife hurt me and not show me any love? Why do the people who should be the closest to me treat me this way? To go as long as I have and not realise that fact is beyond me. It does hurt. It hurts that everyone who I have been close to has rejected me. Am I that bad a person? What am I doing wrong? Why do people do this to me? 

Today, I am meeting a friend for lunch, and hopefully visiting a couple of people. Tonight, I am cat sitting for a friend, so I can escape the confines of my abode for a few hours. They say a change is as good as a rest.