The weekend has been busy enough to take my mind off of the real world problems that I face. A time for (non) alcoholic merriment, meeting up with old friends, increasing my culture quotient and flexing my bowling arm. Coupled with the counselling of a couple of close friends, this has given me brief respite from the turmoil within.
The depth of support from those around me has filled me with an increasing confidence and vigour. Today has been a good day. I have felt calm and peaceful. Sleep has been an issue, with the wind and rain last night, but I'm not letting it get to me. What's the use? I will just wind myself up more and feel a lot worse for it. I am going to try and get an early night tonight. However, as is the norm around here, my body has just woken up.
I'm seeing her twice in the next few weeks. Partying on Saturday and at a birthday party next week. She is going bowling - I don't think she has ever been before. I know she's nervous. She is scared in a way. Even though she has been out in public before, this is a different situation for her. No low lighting to shield her. No large group to hide behind. This is the stark reality of her new life.
Tomorrow is another day. What wonders will it hold? Hopefully a positive day. That is all I can hope and ask for.
Monday 28 October 2013
Friday 25 October 2013
How am I feeling today? Tired (no change there then!), hungry and a little apprehensive. After the positives of yesterday, today has left me a little flat.
The reality of work - or rather the usual problems with my employer - are still all too real. To be honest, I would rather be concentrating on trying to unravel the web of anxieties, doubts and confusion smothering my poor, overworked brain. I know it's not going to change anytime soon, but it is still a major part of my current psychological condition.
Hunger - can't explain it. I have been hungry all day. Have made a nice curry for dinner. All by myself as well :)
Apprehension. I have booked a day off to go to the gender group. I am scared of going. I know like minded people will be there, but my inner voice is saying 'they are going to laugh at you; make fun of you'. I know they won't. I know they are there to help. It is scary to think this could herald a major change in my life. My world as it is now - although a lot different to to years ago, could be turned on it's head once again.
I need her to visit again. It's hard to find the time at the moment. This week has been busy, the weekend is busy and next week is busy. She is supposed to visit next weekend and we should be going out with some friends. I hope so. We need a good catch up. I always feel so much better when she has been. She understands my fears, problems and issues and somehow, if only for a while, makes them disappear.
I hate seeing her go, leaving me after another fleeting visit. But, that is part of the problem. When she's gone, all the problems reappear. Do I want her to stay permanently, or should I deal with my problems first and see what happens?
Why is life so hard? I can deal and have dealt with a lot of the issues that have appeared over the years, but I've finally run out of steam. I'm hoping, that by starting to recognise the issues involved and by dealing with them, one by one, I can recover. My journey is just starting......
The reality of work - or rather the usual problems with my employer - are still all too real. To be honest, I would rather be concentrating on trying to unravel the web of anxieties, doubts and confusion smothering my poor, overworked brain. I know it's not going to change anytime soon, but it is still a major part of my current psychological condition.
Hunger - can't explain it. I have been hungry all day. Have made a nice curry for dinner. All by myself as well :)
Apprehension. I have booked a day off to go to the gender group. I am scared of going. I know like minded people will be there, but my inner voice is saying 'they are going to laugh at you; make fun of you'. I know they won't. I know they are there to help. It is scary to think this could herald a major change in my life. My world as it is now - although a lot different to to years ago, could be turned on it's head once again.
I need her to visit again. It's hard to find the time at the moment. This week has been busy, the weekend is busy and next week is busy. She is supposed to visit next weekend and we should be going out with some friends. I hope so. We need a good catch up. I always feel so much better when she has been. She understands my fears, problems and issues and somehow, if only for a while, makes them disappear.
I hate seeing her go, leaving me after another fleeting visit. But, that is part of the problem. When she's gone, all the problems reappear. Do I want her to stay permanently, or should I deal with my problems first and see what happens?
Why is life so hard? I can deal and have dealt with a lot of the issues that have appeared over the years, but I've finally run out of steam. I'm hoping, that by starting to recognise the issues involved and by dealing with them, one by one, I can recover. My journey is just starting......
Thursday 24 October 2013
Today has been a day of positives. Hopefully, there is a light appearing at the end, albeit, at the end of a very long tunnel. It's now up to me to make sure I can reach that light and move on with my life, whoever that may be.
Finally, there is some movement on my personal development at work. I have been asked, by my area manager, what training I think I need to be able to move up to the next level. I have four weeks to work out what I need and to let him know. Whether or not anything comes of it, is another question. However, I now have a glimmer of hope. I will still keep looking outside of my current employer as I feel that it is a little bit of 'Too little, Too late' on my behalf.
Now to my internal struggle. I have been to see my doctor today. I explained to them my past feelings since my parents divorce and the break up of my relationship last year and my current feelings of gender confusion - the blurring of the lines between her and me, my lack of sleep and my work issues. The diagnosis - mild depression.
The treatment - they have referred me counselling for the depression. As for the gender confusion, they have given me the address of a drop in centre in the local city. They want to see me again in four weeks to see how I'm getting on.
Now it's up to me on the gender confusion - I will have to wait for the referral to come through for the depression. I'm glad I have so many good friends round me. I will never be able to thank them enough for their help and support.
Finally, there is some movement on my personal development at work. I have been asked, by my area manager, what training I think I need to be able to move up to the next level. I have four weeks to work out what I need and to let him know. Whether or not anything comes of it, is another question. However, I now have a glimmer of hope. I will still keep looking outside of my current employer as I feel that it is a little bit of 'Too little, Too late' on my behalf.
Now to my internal struggle. I have been to see my doctor today. I explained to them my past feelings since my parents divorce and the break up of my relationship last year and my current feelings of gender confusion - the blurring of the lines between her and me, my lack of sleep and my work issues. The diagnosis - mild depression.
The treatment - they have referred me counselling for the depression. As for the gender confusion, they have given me the address of a drop in centre in the local city. They want to see me again in four weeks to see how I'm getting on.
Now it's up to me on the gender confusion - I will have to wait for the referral to come through for the depression. I'm glad I have so many good friends round me. I will never be able to thank them enough for their help and support.
Wednesday 23 October 2013
It's been a daily struggle recently. These feelings inside me have been growing and growing and they are starting to affect my views on who I should be.
She was part of my life when my parents split. She helped me to get through the hurt and anger that I felt at the time. She was my escape from my unhappy world, created by my parents and my peers.
She came and went over the course of the next 8 years, usually when I felt low or unloved. She made me feel special and wanted, loved and needed. She would only allow me to see her - she felt self conscious and said she only felt comfortable with me.
Then love came into my life and she left me alone. The visits became less and less frequent, until she I stopped seeing her completely. She could see I was in love and understood that we could not see each other anymore.
Love then dealt me a near fatal blow. I was sideswiped by an event that shattered my love and left me bereft of ideas and a sense of belonging. That was when she reappeared into my life, bold as brass. Time had made her braver and she was more sure of herself. I was glad of her presence around me - she helped me to recover from the hurt and pain of losing my love and helped me to rebuild my shattered confidence. I confided in her, reached out to her and eventually, started to fall in love with her.
Now, she has become an integral part of my world and I couldn't imagine life without her - that is now the problem I am facing. I can't live without her.
She was part of my life when my parents split. She helped me to get through the hurt and anger that I felt at the time. She was my escape from my unhappy world, created by my parents and my peers.
She came and went over the course of the next 8 years, usually when I felt low or unloved. She made me feel special and wanted, loved and needed. She would only allow me to see her - she felt self conscious and said she only felt comfortable with me.
Then love came into my life and she left me alone. The visits became less and less frequent, until she I stopped seeing her completely. She could see I was in love and understood that we could not see each other anymore.
Love then dealt me a near fatal blow. I was sideswiped by an event that shattered my love and left me bereft of ideas and a sense of belonging. That was when she reappeared into my life, bold as brass. Time had made her braver and she was more sure of herself. I was glad of her presence around me - she helped me to recover from the hurt and pain of losing my love and helped me to rebuild my shattered confidence. I confided in her, reached out to her and eventually, started to fall in love with her.
Now, she has become an integral part of my world and I couldn't imagine life without her - that is now the problem I am facing. I can't live without her.
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