How am I feeling today? Tired (no change there then!), hungry and a little apprehensive. After the positives of yesterday, today has left me a little flat.

The reality of work - or rather the usual problems with my employer - are still all too real. To be honest, I would rather be concentrating on trying to unravel the web of anxieties, doubts and confusion smothering my poor, overworked brain. I know it's not going to change anytime soon, but it is still a major part of my current psychological condition.

Hunger - can't explain it. I have been hungry all day. Have made a nice curry for dinner. All by myself as well :)

Apprehension. I have booked a day off to go to the gender group. I am scared of going. I know like minded people will be there, but my inner voice is saying 'they are going to laugh at you; make fun of you'. I know they won't. I know they are there to help. It is scary to think this could herald a major change in my life. My world as it is now - although a lot different to to years ago, could be turned on it's head once again. 

I need her to visit again. It's hard to find the time at the moment. This week has been busy, the weekend is busy and next week is busy. She is supposed to visit next weekend and we should be going out with some friends. I hope so. We need a good catch up. I always feel so much better when she has been. She understands my fears, problems and issues and somehow, if only for a while, makes them disappear.
I hate seeing her go, leaving me after another fleeting visit.  But, that is part of the problem. When she's gone, all the problems reappear. Do I want her to stay permanently, or should I deal with my problems first and see what happens? 

Why is life so hard? I can deal and have dealt with a lot of the issues that have appeared over the years, but I've finally run out of steam. I'm hoping, that by starting to recognise the issues involved and by dealing with them, one by one, I can recover. My journey is just starting......