Brain Overload!! I have an over active mind which I just can't seem to turn off. I know the reasons why - for once. For some of the issues, I can do something about them, for the others - meh!

I suffer many a sleepless night, pondering over numerous issues and scenarios. Many over the past few years have involved my ex partner and where we went wrong and many have involved me as my alter ego. It is this latter group of issues and scenarios combined with the pressures of moving to and opening a new branch of my company, that are causing the current lack of sleep. 

Obviously the gender issue is the whole reason for this blog. It is a big issue to tackle. I currently have a decision in my mind as to where I go forward with my gender and it is now this decision which is causing my sleeplessness. I have had a lot of time to think about it recently. As I am not based in any particular branch, I can't do much in the way of my normal role, so I am reduced to the part of a general assistant, purely serving customers. For me, this is very boring! Therefore, I have had oodles of thinking time, thinking about the way forward.

My decision is a big one. I want to explore to possibility of transitioning.What is the way forward from here? What will it entail? How do I tell my family? How do I tell the friends who don't already know? How do I start the process? So many questions!!! From my past limited online research, it won't be easy, far from it. I have to make sure that I am tough enough mentally to cope with the negativity that will arise from some people and places and the stress that the process will put me through. 

I'm in a much better place than I was 18 months ago. This decision is the culmination of many hours of soul searching, visiting of dark places, desperation and heartache. This is a decision that will, if it happens, will have immense consequences on relationships, friendships, work and my general well being. Given my love of procrastination, don't expect a lot of movement anytime soon! At least I have made a decision on the issue. I just need to get the ball rolling.........

Last time, I said that I had some other news to tell. Exciting news. Well, here it is......I have been asked to help plan a hen do for a friend of my other gurl friend. For me, that is a brilliant vote of confidence and gives me a great sense of acceptance. I'm really looking forward to it!  I am also being me more. I am managing to be out more, whether just at home or in public. The decision me 1.0 has come to will also have a bearing on me. It will make me slightly redundant I suppose, but, if it happens, it will blur the lines between me 1.0 and 2.0 and create a whole new person.....hopefully!! xxxx

Being around but not visible is hard sometimes. I love going out and I love being myself, but, for the moment, it isn't always possible. I've been lucky in the past month as I've been to London twice and been able to be me at home once. With the better summer weather (hopefully - this is the UK!), I will be able to become more visible and not just around in me 1.0 form.

You already know about my 1st trip to London (if you read my blog on a regular basis - if not, please take the time to read). Luckily, I had another planned. My good friend, with whom I regularly go shopping, asked me a while ago if I wanted to go and see a very rare event happening in London. Obviously, I jumped at the chance. We had a grand day out planned - spa treatment, hours spent at a well known cosmetics shop (it was well lush......), dinner and the show. It was also good for me, as earlier in the year, I had said that I wanted to spend the day as me. This day gave me that opportunity.

However, plans changed slightly. My friends dad had passed away in the intervening period and she had to fly overseas to collect his ashes, the day after the show. This put quite a lot of emotional and financial pressure on her and given the timescales involved, we decided to put the spa treatment on hold. We also had weave the collection and drop off of the country in questions currency into our day.

So, let us go to the start. As it takes time for me 1.0 to become me 2.0, I had to get up early. I was meeting my friend at hers at 11am, so needed at least 2 hours to get ready and get to hers. (I had started prepping the night before - defuzzing and getting my outfit ready.) I have, over time, now got my routine and daytime look sorted. I know not to over dress with too much shapewear - it gets too hot! - have too much make up and don't dress up too much. My aim is to blend in, not to stand out.

It took me about 90 minutes to get ready. That gave me too much time to faff about wondering if I looked OK and if I needed to tweak anything. With everything sorted, off I went. I walked to my friends as it is only 10 minutes along the road. I faced one of the 3 fears that were to come my way - walking along my road, a busy A road during the day. I need not have worried as I was eyed up by one man and most people didn't take any notice. My second and third fears were getting the bus into my local town during the day and then walking through my local town during the day. Both passed without incident and we even had a quick coffee on our way to the station.

After an uneventful train journey to London, we made our way to Oxford St. Via the underground. Now, for me, going into any large crowd is a big deal. Will I be read (will they see that I'm really me 1.0 in female clothing) will I get any nasty remarks etc. Well.....nowt. Nothing. Nada. Absolutely perfect. Our first stop - the cosmetics shop (still well lush.....), where we spent about 2 hours and I spent about £40 (some makeup, perfume and a few other bits). I also had a hand massage, where I was told I had very muscular forearms!

We then went on to pick up and drop off the currency and took a bus to our rendezvous point where we were meeting my friends husband. A pub. Here we had a couple of drinks and a spot of dinner. This was when I decided that I needed to visit the little girls room. My dilemma - there were 3 choices Gentlemen, Ladies or Unisex. Um........which one to choose? Rightly or wrongly, I chose the ladies. Technically, I could have used any. However, I chose the one which was the closest fit to my persona.

So far, the day had gone without a hitch. I was really enjoying myself. Everything felt natural and everything felt right. I was relaxed and being myself. I'm glad I had toned down the dress as It was a little warm and if I had overdressed, I think I would have melted! You may think that there will be a but............but there wasn't. We had another drink and then made our way to the venue - again via bus. I blended in again, but I didn't care if I was being read. I felt good. 

We walked from the bus to the venue, handed out tickets over and found our seats. Front row, First circle. Very good seats! The theme of the show was 'Saying the unsayable'. It was a thought provoking evening and it made me think about my life going forward. The show included a transgender poet and a crossdressing comedian and the fact that I was there as me 2.0 really opened my eyes as to where I want to go with my life. 

However, the show came to an end and we had to make our way home. Make my way back to me 1.0. I still had an just over an hour left as me 2.0 and I felt sad that I would once again be invisible to the naked eye. I savoured every minute of being around and it made me realise that I can go out when I want and that most people don't even notice me. Which is what I want. Stripping off the layers of me 2.0 felt like locking that person up - imprisoning them when they should be free. Hopefully one day they will.

I will just mention the home outing. It was the Eurovision Song Contest. My flatmates were away, so it just lent itself to me 2.0 being out. I had my princess petrol poured (a nice White Zinfandel Rose), some snacks and at first, a cat for company. My friends from up the road came down about halfway through and through a haze of alcohol we tore the voting apart and put the competition to rights! 

I do have some other news to tell, but I will keep that for later. Lets just say that the world of me 2.0 gets slightly bigger and more exciting......xxxx