So Christmas has come and gone. Another one over and done with. Personally for me, I am glad it is over. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I hate it - it's just that I find it hard to get into any kind of festive spirit. Also, it's not that I'm unhappy - quite the opposite. I'm in a very good place. Happiest I've felt for about 3 years. I just don't enjoy all the build up (which starts months too early) and I find myself getting bored around noon on the day itself. I can think of much better things to do on my day off, involving wigs, makeup and a bit of padding...............!

That being said, it's time for an outing again. Twice in a month. This time though, has a reasoning behind it that is a deliberate act. New Years Eve. I'm going to my friends dressed. I want to see the new year in as my alter ego. I'm hoping that this will spur 'me' on to being whom I feel I should be. For me, it is a significant statement of intent for the year ahead. As more and more people know, it will become easier to go out and therefore, should be easier to slip into my more natural role. We'll see.

I have been told to take a list of my and my alter ego's resolutions round. Now, I'm not one for keeping to my resolutions, so it will be an interesting exercise. As for my alter ego, I don't think she's ever made any before.  For me it will be the usual: Lose weight and get fit; Worry less; Be more careful with money...........but I do have one which I intend to keep (see paragraph above). My alter ego's I have no clue. I'll find out on Wednesday night.

I haven't include work in my resolutions this year. This is because a) I am leaving my current store for a brand new one and b) I am still hopeful for the job outside of the company coming up. I had an email today about it, asking if I am still interested. Of course I am!! Silly question. I still need to get out of my current job although at the moment, it is getting better. 

Overall, things are moving in the right direction. The last 3 years have gone by so quickly and I am a better person now than I was then. I am finally reaping the benefits of the shackles of marriage being broken. I have changed my outlook on life, the way I deal with life and the way I live my life. I'm not going to get carried away as I know how things can go wrong. If they do, I'm better placed to deal with it now. Hopefully!!

After the euphoria of last weekend, my mood has only dipped slightly. I am sill buzzing over Friday night and how well it went. This has been backed up by the fact that apparently, at least two people tried to pull me at the party and more than I thought didn't believe I wasn't a genetic woman. Now, the cynical side of me puts that down to low lighting and beer goggles!

You see, in my eyes, I look like me but in a dress. I can still see past the makeup, wig and padding and it is me. I am finally coming round to the fact that I might actually pass as female provided I get everything right; Walking, talking, mannerisms and movement. Remembering to change these is a hard task, especially when they are all to an extent the opposite to my normal routines. That will only come with practice and patience.

I must have been doing some of these right to illicit that kind of reaction. It was more than I ever could imagine and a major confidence boost. I was apparently the main topic of conversation in the pub on Saturday night and I have been told, tongue in cheek I hasten to add, that I outshone the birthday girl!! I never intended to, but she told me it would be alright to, so I did!! 

Now, the thing is that I mustn't get carried away by this. Yes, it is good for a confidence boost in the here and now, but, there will come a time when negative comments and negative actions will rear their ugly head. I mustn't let these affect me to the extent that my alter ego becomes a chore or I become frightened of being her. I also mustn't let it cloud my issue of what gender I wish to be. Yes, I love the adulation I have received. Yes, I enjoy being her. However, that is only a small side of being that particular gender. The dressed up and looking the best you can side. There is a whole lot more to it than that. 

So, with this in mind, I am going to try to set aside a few days, within the next four months and try to live as a female. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. If that goes well, then I will try to do it again and for longer. I can only try. If my long term plan involves changing gender, it will be a good exercise. 

So far, next year is looking a whole lot better than this or last year. I hope that the future is brighter than it has been. Surely it can't get any worse? Of course it can't, I'm not married anymore.......... :)

On a bit of a comedown after yesterday. Not in a bad way, funnily enough, but it has got me thinking. Again. Let me explain......

This time last year, I was invited to the 50th birthday party of a customer where I work. Now, if you are a regular reader of my blog, you will know that this time last year, I was in a very fragile state. My mental and physical states were a massive problem for me, meaning that I didn't want to do anything, go anywhere or see anyone. So, even though I accepted the invitation, I couldn't go through with going to the party. Being around people I didn't know - apart from the host - was far too daunting for me at that time.

So, lets fast forward a year. My mental and physical states are in a lot better shape (even after my bad October), my job prospects are better (more on that later) and my home life has improved. On the back of this I, well not exactly me, received an invite to this customers 51st birthday party. This year, we were determined to go.

This customer is the same as me in the fact we both have an alter ego. When my ex colleague at work suggested that I should bring my alter ego back out again after my divorce, she said that one of the customers also had an alter ego. So, we got chatting and have over the past few years have exchanged hints, tips and general chit chat on the subject. The next logical step was to get together and see each other at our most comfortable.

This is the point where I take up the story. In my quest to get out more, this was the perfect opportunity to get out of my comfort zone completely. The only other person I knew was the host, the location was at a pub, deep in the countryside and it was an hours drive away.To say I was apprehensive was an understatement!!

However, it gave the perfect excuse to go shopping for a new outfit (but not to outdo the party girl!). So, after going shopping with my good friend for a dress a few weeks ago, I trawled my favourite site (eBay) for a few accessories. One bag and a pair of shoes later, we were almost there. A few new bits of make up and the look was complete:

This was the easy bit, even though it took three hours to get to this point! The hardest bit was yet to come. So, I left in plenty of time and the journey was uneventful. Then I got to my destination. I had to park in a car park, which was only a short walk away, but for me was very daunting. The best option was just to get on with it. So I did. Then came the entrance to the pub. This time, my luck was definitely in. The host was outside, with the barmaid, having a cigarette. Confidence boost 1: They didn't realise it was me until I told them! They genuinely thought I was a genetic female! 

The evening then followed that pattern. Everyone in the pub was very accepting and I got compliments all night and even a kiss ( only on the lips and he was very, very drunk!!) The host was extremely made up that I had come as it was their first time fully dressed in the pub. I was told off for not holding myself correctly at one point as one person thought I was a bit overwhelmed with the situation. I didn't feel overwhelmed, but my body was giving me away. I found out later they were a Female to Male transsexual - someone I would like to have a proper conversation with, considering my issues.

Then, the evening ended and home was beckoning. It had been a wonderful evening, brilliant people and that we would do it again. Funnily enough,I slept well last night!! Everything felt natural, from how I held myself, talked and moved. I felt right in myself. I felt beautiful on the inside and outside. I know I'm not the best looking girl in the world, but I felt gorgeous last night! ;) xx

There you have it. A massive confidence boost, meaning my comedown isn't as bad as it could be. It has strengthened my resolve to get my alter ego out even more and finally address my gender issues. I mustn't get too excited. I have to keep myself grounded. Even after my boss was asked when he wants the advert to go in the local paper to find my replacement. It means I must be moving stores then, right? We'll see. My area manager has been known to move the goal posts frequently. Lets just see what happens in 2015. 

Just as postscript to yesterdays post, I have had a positive response to my thoughts and the way I'm feeling. A comment from a friends sister on Facebook who read my post and a phone call from a good friend who has always supported my alter ego have both re-affirmed why I love what I do and that I should follow my heart in being who I want to be. It is this kind of feedback that goes a long way to increasing my confidence and pushing forward to make change in my life and make it better.

I'm itching to make an appearance now. I really want to get out and enjoy myself. I know I have the party next weekend, but I don't think I can wait that long! I think Sunday evening is free..................

I know I must keep my feet on the ground. There will be negative comments to come and I have to be ready for them. Once I get the first ones out of the way, the rest will be easier to deal with. For now, the positive ones really help!

I have been thinking recently. To those who know me, they know that can be a dangerous thing! When I think about things, I tend to immerse myself too deeply in the issue involved. The subject of this blog, for instance. Again, it is weighing heavy on my mind. After my real struggle last year with my gender, of which many other issues were clouding my judgement, I had made a breakthrough. 

Now, a year on, things have changed again. I am not as troubled this year - I have dealt with a lot of my issues to an extent, although some will still be ongoing into the distant future. However, one issue keeps on rearing it's ugly/beautiful head. My struggle with my alter ego. Let me explain why..........

Recently, my alter ego has had more chance to be seen and heard. Shopping trips, parties and now at home as my flatmate now knows. An ever expanding wardrobe, decreasing bank balance, more and more compliments on my alter ego's appearance/makeup have given me, personally, a major confidence boost in my ability to pass as a female. Therein lies the problem. Now, I want to express my alter ego more and more often. I want to be able to make changes that will augment my body with my own mind. I find myself rounding off the masculine edges of my physicality and practising moving and acting in a more feminine way. Even driving home, I am practising my feminine voice more and more. Again, my alter ego is starting to take over my life.

This post was prompted by a comment made to me by a customer yesterday. He is also expressing his feminine side, although he is more confident than I am and will go half and half. The comment was: 'Don't you wish you could express your feminine side more though?'. That rang a bell in my head. I do wish I could sometimes. I wish I were able to say that I could be who I want to be just like that. People will say that you can, no problem. The issue I have though, is that although I am in a better place than this time last year, I am still fragile, both mentally and physically. At the moment, I couldn't take any major rejection from anyone in my life, which I know would happen from some people should I make wholesale changes now.

My idea as to how I am going change - and there will be changes - will be little changes here and there. I have started by taking a bit more care in my appearance. Ironing my clothes, taking care of my skin, looking after myself by eating properly. What's next? Who knows? Once these things become second nature to me, then I shall decide on the next steps to take. I have some ideas - lets wait and see. My struggle continues.

On a lighter note, my alter ego has a party to go to next week. Here is a sneaky peek at her outfit:

It will be a new experience for my alter ego. A town not known, people not met before (except the birthday gurl!) and no other friends around for support. A real leap into the unknown. As with my life it seems.