I have been thinking recently. To those who know me, they know that can be a dangerous thing! When I think about things, I tend to immerse myself too deeply in the issue involved. The subject of this blog, for instance. Again, it is weighing heavy on my mind. After my real struggle last year with my gender, of which many other issues were clouding my judgement, I had made a breakthrough. 

Now, a year on, things have changed again. I am not as troubled this year - I have dealt with a lot of my issues to an extent, although some will still be ongoing into the distant future. However, one issue keeps on rearing it's ugly/beautiful head. My struggle with my alter ego. Let me explain why..........

Recently, my alter ego has had more chance to be seen and heard. Shopping trips, parties and now at home as my flatmate now knows. An ever expanding wardrobe, decreasing bank balance, more and more compliments on my alter ego's appearance/makeup have given me, personally, a major confidence boost in my ability to pass as a female. Therein lies the problem. Now, I want to express my alter ego more and more often. I want to be able to make changes that will augment my body with my own mind. I find myself rounding off the masculine edges of my physicality and practising moving and acting in a more feminine way. Even driving home, I am practising my feminine voice more and more. Again, my alter ego is starting to take over my life.

This post was prompted by a comment made to me by a customer yesterday. He is also expressing his feminine side, although he is more confident than I am and will go half and half. The comment was: 'Don't you wish you could express your feminine side more though?'. That rang a bell in my head. I do wish I could sometimes. I wish I were able to say that I could be who I want to be just like that. People will say that you can, no problem. The issue I have though, is that although I am in a better place than this time last year, I am still fragile, both mentally and physically. At the moment, I couldn't take any major rejection from anyone in my life, which I know would happen from some people should I make wholesale changes now.

My idea as to how I am going change - and there will be changes - will be little changes here and there. I have started by taking a bit more care in my appearance. Ironing my clothes, taking care of my skin, looking after myself by eating properly. What's next? Who knows? Once these things become second nature to me, then I shall decide on the next steps to take. I have some ideas - lets wait and see. My struggle continues.

On a lighter note, my alter ego has a party to go to next week. Here is a sneaky peek at her outfit:

It will be a new experience for my alter ego. A town not known, people not met before (except the birthday gurl!) and no other friends around for support. A real leap into the unknown. As with my life it seems.