Mixed emotions at the moment. I keep going over my marriage break up - not in a emotionally bad way, but in a 'I need to know why' way. I have been thinking a lot about the lead up to the split and what happened for my ex to suddenly drop the bombshell. We'd had a bad year, but we were working things out and we were planning for the future. We had been to marriage counselling and they had set us on the right path to improve our marriage.

The night before she told me, we were laughing and chatting and there was nothing out of the ordinary. We were living at her parents at the time, while we waited to buy a new flat. She went out with some friends for the evening and she was coming back about 12. I went for a drink with a friend and for a laugh, we would surprise her by meeting up with her. She took offence at this when I said I was coming to see her. So, I went home. She wasn't home by 12, so I text her. She said she would be home by 3am. 3am came and went, so I text her again. She said she would be home by 4am. Then at 4am, she text me to say she would not be home and she was saying with one of her friends. We had a text argument for a while until she did not answer, so I went to bed.

The next morning, There was a loud knock at the front door as she could not get in. Her parents double locked the door at night. I went to open it. She had a face like thunder, stormed up to the bedroom, took off her wedding rings and said she wanted a divorce. I did not see it coming. I have my suspicions and information as to what happened and the people involved in causing the break up, but I have no concrete proof. This was not her own decision and I know she told people that she did  not want a divorce. So, why? There is no chance of me asking her as from that point on, she avoided me like the plague. This is one bit of closure that I will never probably find, but I must find a way of dealing with it. My only crumb of hope is that she still cannot seem to get over the fact that I am still seeing most of our joint friends, whereas she has alienated most of them. 

I hope my upcoming counselling will help me to put this chapter behind me. This is the one issue that I have struggled with the most. The feeling of rejection - the bereavement of losing someone you loved hurts far more than anyone realises. The feeling that the one person you loved more that anything, can just toss you aside like a piece of rubbish and forget everything you shared together and erasing all traces of you out of their life, is a very hard one to deal with and for me, has not been a easy one to deal with and I am still not over it. I have nights where I want to kill her as painfully as possible, or make her suffer as much as she has made me suffer. I can only hope that karma comes back to haunt her in a major way and causes her lots of emotional distress. Is that the wrong thing to hope for? Probably, but that's my problem.