I am having trouble with my mind. It is up to it's old tricks again. It keeps going over the same subjects again and again. It is starting to affect my sleep again - waking up before the alarm and going over things again and again. There are two main subjects this time. One is wanting to cause my ex and the perpetrators of the divorce untold harm and the other is transitioning to female and being in a loving relationship. I have a long way to go before I may reach that stage regarding the transitioning, but the causing untold harm I will be able to deal with sooner. 

My physical health is a concern as well as my mental health at the moment. It is a catch 22 situation. One affects the other which affects the other. Round and round and round we go. I have had a bad bout of food poisoning, a bad head cold and general malaise. This has affected my mental health by me not wanting to socialise much and wanting to stay in. (I am supposed to be at a party tonight, but I am just not in the party mood). In the mornings I feel sick and dizzy and when I get home all I want to do is curl up in a ball and leave the world behind. Some days are better than others. Today is a mediocre day. 

I have been researching transitioning recently and getting an idea of what is involved and the initial steps I have to take. The road to transitioning is a long one - it could and probably will take many years, a lot of heartache and a lot of money. So, I have decided in the new year to make a few changes which will help me should I eventually decide to transition. These will also help me to improve my mental and physical health as well as providing a basis for any future changes. My mental health is going to come under a heavy burden should I transition. I have to be prepared for rejection - from friends and family, abuse - both verbal and physical, elation, hormonal changes, physical changes from being male to female and the challenge of transitioning in the workplace. My workplace has a high percentage of male customers and staff, some of whom will be OK and will accept and some of which I expect will not be able to accept it. Currently, I am in no fit state to cope with any of that, let alone make a coherent decision on transitioning.

I am hoping 2014 will be the year that I finally find out who I want to be, a year for improving my mental health and finally moving on from my past. I have a long road ahead of me to achieve that. It cannot be any worse than the last two years have been. I just want to feel loved again, held again and needed. Is that too much to ask?