On a bit of a downer at the moment. It is a feeling of wanting to do something but knowing if you do it, it may be for the wrong reasons. Let me explain further......

The title of this blog is 'My struggle with my alter ego'. Since going to my doctor a few weeks ago, things have improved with regard to some of the issues that I have. However, this in itself seems to have created another problem with my alter ego. I was advised to visit a gender group in the local city, which I have twice now. There I have spoken to various people in various stages of transition and they have in turn given me numerous issues to think about, ie: Do I want kids? Am I prepared for the possible negative reaction from people? Am I prepared for the major upheaval that transitioning will create? With all these issues now occupying my brain as well, you can see my dilemma. 

The feelings of wanting to transition are growing day by day. I have dreams of being in a relationship as a female, being treated as a female, going out as a female. I am longing to be held tight, cuddled, caressed as a female. I am finding it harder to keep functioning and acting male at the moment. I feel like I am only acting male out of necessity and because I have to. The more I think about it, the more it gets me down. So by dealing with one problem, it is creating another.

I realise that I cannot make that kind of decision in my current state of mind. It is a major life changing event that cannot be reversed. It will require me being in a good state of mind and to have sorted out all the issues that I currently face. Some I can work on soon, some are mid term and one will be a long term issue that will be affected should I transition or not.  I am taking each day as it comes. Some are better than others. I need to try and deal with this somehow. How, well, I do not know as yet. Hopefully I will work it out.