I've made my decision. The feedback so far has been positive, but, that's only from a handful of people. I have been thinking a lot about what the consequences are, what the effect it is going to have on my whole life and the effect on those around me. By getting one issue off of my chest, it has created many more to keep me awake at night!

I want to get to the doctor to start the process off as soon as I can. However, I have a problem (of my own making). I have to change my doctor. When I moved last year, I didn't change my doctor. As I am now at least 30 miles away, I really do need to change. There is a slight fly in the ointment, as I can't change until I have had my next lot of medication. (I'm epileptic). Luckily, they are due in the next few weeks, so I can set the wheels in motion.

I have been a little tetchy the past week. Due to my laxness at re-registering with a doctor, the thought of telling people of my decision and the fact that I want to change things about me NOW!! I know it will take time, but I am a little impatient. Scratch that, I'm VERY impatient. I have been debating my decision for about a year now and given the fact that it will probably take over a year to get an appointment to discuss my gender dysphoria with a qualified professional, I really want to get started now.

I do feel at odds with my physical vessel more and more nowadays. I don't feel right presenting myself as 'Male', when my brain says otherwise. The only problem I have at present,is the fact it takes me a good few hours to turn me 1.0 into me 2.0. Finding the time in the evening is hard and it can really only happen at weekends, holidays or if I manage to get some time off during the week. Currently, the odds are stacked against me. A charity walk, the opening of my new branch, the manager going on holiday all equal no time for me 2.0. Grrrrr.

I suppose good things come to those who wait. Seriously, I've been waiting quite a few years now. I'm starting to get fed up with waiting and waiting and waiting. I just want something to go right for once, without any complications or worries. I know I am destined to fail on that score, but it would be nice for something to go smoothly.

Right, rant over. So, with regard to me 2.0, here are the latest musings from my alter ego.......


Well, now for a lighter interlude! I was lucky to be invited out to a 30th birthday party last week. I hadn't decided to go until Thursday last week (it was between me 1.0 and me 2.0). I had managed to get Friday afternoon off of work so I could get ready and try and make myself presentable. After talking outfits with a friend who was also going, we decided on smart casual and as it was a tad warm last week, comfortable for me! After plucking, smoothing, painting and tweaking, I was ready to face the world. 

Unfortunately, I had forgotten a couple of things. These things were also personal fears which were things I would have to deal with if I started to transition. 1). Getting on a local bus on my own in daylight. 2). Walking through my local town in daylight. 3). Getting on a train in my local town in daylight. With the thought of transition in mind, I went for it. I got on the bus, I walked through the town and I got on that train. Three fears dealt with. Yes, I got stared at and yes, I didn't care. I felt right and that was all that mattered.

My friend got on two stops up and we made our journey to the local city. We walked down from the station and into the pub. Most of the group I didn't know and other than the three people I knew (The birthday boy (who is a good friend) and two other very good friends) me 1.0 had met one of the group once. Given the nature of the group, I was very comfortable in their presence and totally at ease. After a lot of bad dancing, awful jokes and a couple of glasses of wine (and the odd whiskey), the night was over and home beckoned. Four of us walked back to the station and we all departed at various points along the journey. At my stop, I had another two personal fears to face. Walking to the bus stop at night and getting the bus at night. 

Walking through town as me 2.0 was scary. As me 1.0, I would have felt OK, but me 2.0 did feel more alert and aware as to who was around me and how close they were to me. I can sympathise with how intimidating it can be for females to walk around at night on their own. I kept to well lit roads and made my way to the bus stop. There was a 20 minute wait for the bus. Luckily, it was in a well lit area and there were plenty of people around.

The bus came and I got on to enjoy my five minute ride home. When I got off the bus, the driver made a comment. 'You look really good. You really do look good. I'm very impressed.' Music to my ears! That was such a confidence boost. He realised that it was my alter ego, but I must have been pretty convincing to elicit that response. Happy times!! :)

However, the evening had to draw to a close and all vestiges of me 2.0 had to go away. I feel like I am putting the real me away. The pretty(!) and girly me who wants to be out there and open to the world. Hopefully one day I can change me 2.0 into me 1.0. We'll see. xxxx