I'm a bit all over the place right now - emotionally at least. It's a combination of wanting to start my journey in earnest, wanting to be me 2.0 more and the realisation that I am now at the start of a very long process with a lot of waiting involved. The last time I posted, I was waiting for my appointment at the doctors to ask for a referral to a GIC (Gender Identity Clinic). To say it was a bit of an anti climax, is understating it.

Although I live very near a city renowned for it's carefree and liberal attitude, it's surprising that healthcare professionals only 10 miles down the road have no experience or knowledge of what is expected of them and the protocols in place. I realise that they may not have had a request for a referral before, but they should still be aware of the system. Right, rant over.

The outcome of the appointment; They would find out what steps they have to take and let me know within 3 weeks. What has actually happened; A referral to the local mental health team. The appointment - 5th of October. How do I feel about this? Well, luckily, I have spoken to someone who is going through the same process as me, albeit in the opposite direction, who started their journey in the same county as me. They had two appointments with their local mental health team before they got a referral, but they had their referral within 4 months. So, fingers crossed.

For the time being, I will just have to keep on being me - that is me 2.0, as much as possible. I need to be me 2.0 more and I fully intend to be. Even if it's just sitting in front of a computer, in a pyjama set, with a little bit of strategic padding................;)

Luckily enough, me 2.0 had a birthday party to go to last weekend. A chance to get out and about again. I will let me 2.0 take up the reigns.........Party time!! Time to get on the glad rags and become a glamour puss. and that's exactly what I did. The party was for a good friend of mine. We see each other on a regular basis (unfortunately as me 1.0) and is very supportive of me and my decision. I spent my time getting ready and this was the finished look:

Due to the fact that I was a bit scared, I drove to the nearest town to catch the train. However, once out, I felt.....ALIVE! I walked to the station, bought my ticket and made my way to the platform. I didn't care if people stared at me or whispered behind my back, I felt gorgeous and (hopefully) looked it.

My friend said that she and her new Boyf would meet me at the station. As my train pulled into the station, I couldn't see her or her Boyf. No problem, with my confidence at a high, I proceeded to the exit. My confidence was further boosted by the comment the guard made as I walked past; 'Goodnight Miss'. If I hadn't have had quite a lot of make up on, I would have gone a very dark shade of pink!

My friend and her Boyf were just coming onto the platform as I was leaving, so we walked back to the pub and whilst they continued, I started the merriment. It was a very nice evening surrounded by friends old and new and as usual, I felt completely at ease and accepted. I think that me 2.0 is how I'm perceived now (at least I hope so). However, the last train home beckoned and we had to leave. Back to the station we went and the train we did catch. My friend an her Boyf left the train 2 stops before me, leaving me on my own. Yes, I got stared at and no, I didn't care. Off the train I got and I walked to the bus stop to get the night bus. Walking through my local town was a bit scary - lone woman on her own late at night. Luckily it was along very well lit roads and the area around the bus stop was busy. 

As usual, the bus was delayed. Yes, even at 12am, it was delayed. So I had to wait. Eventually it came and I knew my time to shine was nearly over. Once at home it was time to become......me 1.0 again. Stripped back to the bare bones again. Back to reality. Time to put away the proper me and become the shell of me. The me who is trying to change. 

That's the last few weeks in a nutshell. The next few will be interesting and I will keep you updated. Onwards and upwards - hopefully!

Wednesday the 2nd of September. The day I ask to be referred to a GIC (Gender Identity Clinic) by my GP. It is the earliest day I could get an appointment after 5pm. I can't go during the day next week as I have to work every hour my branch is open, so it will have to be the week after.

I just want to start the process. It has taken me 38 years to get to this point - I suppose another couple of weeks is a drop in the ocean. Then there's the thorny issue of telling my family. Yes, I know it has to be done and I know I will have to do it soon.  To be honest, I'm really scared. I have only really just been accepted back into the fold after 'issues' with my ex and can't stand the thought of any new rejection. I know I have a great network of friends for support and they will be there for me whatever may happen, but I really need my family to accept my decision. They may not agree with it, but I've spent too long thinking about other people and not looking after me.

I have spent some time looking into the protocols and timelines of transitioning and I am a bit scared that I may not be accepted for 'treatment' as I have not shown major physiological issues with my gender throughout my life. Although my questions about my gender started in the 1990's, I had put them to the back of my mind when  got into serious relationships. Yes, maybe the thought of changing gender cropped up every couple of years (when times were tough in my relationships), but I quickly dismissed them. I know this is what I want - I'm just frightened that I won't be able to change the way I want to. If I don't do this now, I never will. 

My mind is starting to over analyse the situation and in turn is making me question if it will happen. Perhaps I am just making mountains out of molehills and I will be accepted for 'treatment'. If not - I will have to cope, somehow. I'm nervous enough as it is - I don't need all this as well!!

Just a quick update to let you all know where I am and what's happened over the past few days. After my last post, I decided to announce my decision to ask for Gender Reassignment Surgery (GRS) on me 2.0's Facebook page. The reaction has been very positive and I have had so much support from people who have said I'm courageous, brave and have made the right decision.

There is one person who I never thought would be as supportive as they have. I used to work with this person and during my divorce a few years ago they were very good to me and we have kept in contact, (when I remembered!) ever since. As we work for the same company, it has helped! They friended me 2.0 on Facebook a few months ago and on my last trip to my old store, I finally told them about me 2.0. I was over the moon with the reaction and it was such a weight off of my mind as I had wanted to tell them for ages.

After putting the status up on Facebook, I got a comment from this person that basically was an OMG! moment. They have said they will support me and help me in any way they can and I believe them. This has made me extremely happy and I now truly know what a fantastic group of friends I have. I don't have quantity, I have quality.

Following on from this and going off slightly at a tangent, but it is relevant, was a birthday party me 1.0 was invited to on Saturday. Now,this is someone who I have met through friends and I was happy that they invited me 1.0 along. They know about me 2.0 and have met me 2.0. The evening was about this person and I didn't intend to even mention or talk about my decision. It wasn't my evening and I'm not that kind of person.

However, the conversation did turn to my decision, as a few of my close friends (all me 2.0 friends) were there. Again, the support I received was amazing and beyond anything I expected. One of them, the partner of the birthday boy, has even started to see me as me 2.0 and is even referring to me by my chosen name and pronouns. We had a very in depth conversation and that made my evening. Well, that and the fact I was, shall we say, persuaded to go clubbing capped off a good evening.

The next piece of positive news was from someone I have known for about 16 years now and knew about me 2.0 way before the current incarnation. They didn't meet me 2.0 before and haven't really this time. (Except for a Rocky Horror excursion). I had a text from them about meeting up - I'm really bad at keeping in contact with some people, a major failing of mine - and they revealed a piece of info I wasn't expecting. It was only a small thing, but it was a big thing for me. On an old phone of theirs, from way back in time, the icon they had when they first put my details in, was of a girl. They obviously knew even back then!

I have also had a message from someone who is going through the transition from female to male. I have met this person through a very good and extremely supportive friend and they have said that if I ever want to talk about anything they are there. Considering I have only met this person a few times, that is a very nice thing to say and I expect I will have a few questions for them.

I know it won't all be a bed of roses and there will be a huge amount of negativity on the way. However, with the amazing people behind me so far and the support they have given, I will hopefully make my through this journey a relatively normal and sane person, It's early days yet and there are still many hurdles to get across before the journey really starts. The toughest one is the first one. Wish me luck.

Life is strange. Mine is full of interesting people, places, events and situations. Highs and lows. Rights and wrongs. My life has been a rollercoaster over the past few years and it's not going to stop anytime soon. My decision to pursue Gender Reassignment Surgery (GRS) is going to divide opinion, cause upset and alienate some people in my sphere of influence. I have so far been encouraged by the responses of my friends - even though I have one who keeps asking me if I'm sure. I keep saying I'm sure. I haven't been so sure of anything since I first put on a dress and decided I enjoyed it. 

So, how far have I got? Well......not very far. With working 47.5 hours per week over the past few weeks, I haven't had time to re-register at a local doctors and start the process. It's frustrating, but my fault. So, I've started to make subtle changes in my life to compensate and hopefully make the transition slightly easier. Things like growing my hair, taking better care of myself, slightly feminising my mannerisms. Not too much of the last one, but enough in the right company.

It's been a good and bad week,for me 2.0. I'll let me 2.0 explain...........

A while ago, A friend of mine, who is a very good singer by the way, had got a gig at the pub where I have been a few times with my 'sister' (she'll love me for saying that!). So, I was invited to go. Obviously I was going to go - miss a chance to get dressed up? Never! I had been looking forward to it for ages. Then, me 1.0's new branch opened. The week of the gig. Ah. The fact me 1.0 had to work until 5pm meant that I didn't have a lot of time to get ready. 

So the night before, I had to hog the bathroom to feminise myself. It takes a lot of preparation to get this body looking even vaguely feminine! Finally, after about an hour of de-fuzzing, scrubbing and moisturising, part one was complete. This went a long way to helping me with my lack of prep time on the Friday.

Originally, the plan was to glam up. I had a new dress and everything. Then weather that evening said otherwise. I messaged my friend that I sadly wasn't going to glam up, but would still make an effort. And I did. I even managed to do my make up in an hour. It wasn't my best effort, but I think I got away with it. Just ;)

In the car I got and drove for about an hour - that's dedication for you. The feelings of nervousness that I used to feel when going out on my own and going into places on my own are lessening. It helps when I have been somewhere before, as I have here. So I parked up and walked into the pub. Disappointingly, it wasn't very busy. The weather - heavy rain and wind, a beer festival and other events conspired to keep people away.

The friend with whom I normally go in the pub with hadn't arrived yet and eventually arrived about 45 mins later. They did have mitigating circumstances though. However, my friend was setting up and the landlord and landlady recognised me and immediately put me at ease. It was good to have catch up with my friend and we had a chat about my decision to go for GRS. She was really pleased that I had made the decision to go for it. That is real validation of my decision. Confidence boosted accordingly!

The lack of audience combined with a few, shall we say, unappreciative audience members didn't help her cause, but when they left and it was just a few hardened souls left, she really let rip! Even I had a boogie and I felt totally at ease with myself. For me,it was a good evening. Again, I was sad when it was over and me 2.0 had to disappear again. Hopefully this is the beginning of me 2.0 being me 1.0. Fingers crossed.

After the highs of the gig, last night I had a taste of the lows of my decision. I am eventually going to tell my mum that I want to become her daughter. Whilst visiting her and my stepdad last night, an advert for I am Cait the programme about Caitlyn Jenner came on. My stepdad, who is from a certain era, made some disparaging comments about her and called her a heshe, and a freak. I had to bite my tongue. I fear it isn't going to be an easy task when he finds out. I think he is the person least likely to accept it. It is the first piece of negativity I have come across and I doubt it will be the last.

Onwards and upwards. It hasn't swayed me from my decision. I'm still going to ask for GRS. It's still my goal. It's still my dream and it's a dream I intend to come true. Hopefully most people will join me for the ride. It's going to be bumpy, lumpy and there will unfortunately be no rumpy pumpy! I have a good set of friends around me who understand and I hope will be there for me as they have done up till now. Buckle up!

I've made my decision. The feedback so far has been positive, but, that's only from a handful of people. I have been thinking a lot about what the consequences are, what the effect it is going to have on my whole life and the effect on those around me. By getting one issue off of my chest, it has created many more to keep me awake at night!

I want to get to the doctor to start the process off as soon as I can. However, I have a problem (of my own making). I have to change my doctor. When I moved last year, I didn't change my doctor. As I am now at least 30 miles away, I really do need to change. There is a slight fly in the ointment, as I can't change until I have had my next lot of medication. (I'm epileptic). Luckily, they are due in the next few weeks, so I can set the wheels in motion.

I have been a little tetchy the past week. Due to my laxness at re-registering with a doctor, the thought of telling people of my decision and the fact that I want to change things about me NOW!! I know it will take time, but I am a little impatient. Scratch that, I'm VERY impatient. I have been debating my decision for about a year now and given the fact that it will probably take over a year to get an appointment to discuss my gender dysphoria with a qualified professional, I really want to get started now.

I do feel at odds with my physical vessel more and more nowadays. I don't feel right presenting myself as 'Male', when my brain says otherwise. The only problem I have at present,is the fact it takes me a good few hours to turn me 1.0 into me 2.0. Finding the time in the evening is hard and it can really only happen at weekends, holidays or if I manage to get some time off during the week. Currently, the odds are stacked against me. A charity walk, the opening of my new branch, the manager going on holiday all equal no time for me 2.0. Grrrrr.

I suppose good things come to those who wait. Seriously, I've been waiting quite a few years now. I'm starting to get fed up with waiting and waiting and waiting. I just want something to go right for once, without any complications or worries. I know I am destined to fail on that score, but it would be nice for something to go smoothly.

Right, rant over. So, with regard to me 2.0, here are the latest musings from my alter ego.......


Well, now for a lighter interlude! I was lucky to be invited out to a 30th birthday party last week. I hadn't decided to go until Thursday last week (it was between me 1.0 and me 2.0). I had managed to get Friday afternoon off of work so I could get ready and try and make myself presentable. After talking outfits with a friend who was also going, we decided on smart casual and as it was a tad warm last week, comfortable for me! After plucking, smoothing, painting and tweaking, I was ready to face the world. 

Unfortunately, I had forgotten a couple of things. These things were also personal fears which were things I would have to deal with if I started to transition. 1). Getting on a local bus on my own in daylight. 2). Walking through my local town in daylight. 3). Getting on a train in my local town in daylight. With the thought of transition in mind, I went for it. I got on the bus, I walked through the town and I got on that train. Three fears dealt with. Yes, I got stared at and yes, I didn't care. I felt right and that was all that mattered.

My friend got on two stops up and we made our journey to the local city. We walked down from the station and into the pub. Most of the group I didn't know and other than the three people I knew (The birthday boy (who is a good friend) and two other very good friends) me 1.0 had met one of the group once. Given the nature of the group, I was very comfortable in their presence and totally at ease. After a lot of bad dancing, awful jokes and a couple of glasses of wine (and the odd whiskey), the night was over and home beckoned. Four of us walked back to the station and we all departed at various points along the journey. At my stop, I had another two personal fears to face. Walking to the bus stop at night and getting the bus at night. 

Walking through town as me 2.0 was scary. As me 1.0, I would have felt OK, but me 2.0 did feel more alert and aware as to who was around me and how close they were to me. I can sympathise with how intimidating it can be for females to walk around at night on their own. I kept to well lit roads and made my way to the bus stop. There was a 20 minute wait for the bus. Luckily, it was in a well lit area and there were plenty of people around.

The bus came and I got on to enjoy my five minute ride home. When I got off the bus, the driver made a comment. 'You look really good. You really do look good. I'm very impressed.' Music to my ears! That was such a confidence boost. He realised that it was my alter ego, but I must have been pretty convincing to elicit that response. Happy times!! :)

However, the evening had to draw to a close and all vestiges of me 2.0 had to go away. I feel like I am putting the real me away. The pretty(!) and girly me who wants to be out there and open to the world. Hopefully one day I can change me 2.0 into me 1.0. We'll see. xxxx

Brain Overload!! I have an over active mind which I just can't seem to turn off. I know the reasons why - for once. For some of the issues, I can do something about them, for the others - meh!

I suffer many a sleepless night, pondering over numerous issues and scenarios. Many over the past few years have involved my ex partner and where we went wrong and many have involved me as my alter ego. It is this latter group of issues and scenarios combined with the pressures of moving to and opening a new branch of my company, that are causing the current lack of sleep. 

Obviously the gender issue is the whole reason for this blog. It is a big issue to tackle. I currently have a decision in my mind as to where I go forward with my gender and it is now this decision which is causing my sleeplessness. I have had a lot of time to think about it recently. As I am not based in any particular branch, I can't do much in the way of my normal role, so I am reduced to the part of a general assistant, purely serving customers. For me, this is very boring! Therefore, I have had oodles of thinking time, thinking about the way forward.

My decision is a big one. I want to explore to possibility of transitioning.What is the way forward from here? What will it entail? How do I tell my family? How do I tell the friends who don't already know? How do I start the process? So many questions!!! From my past limited online research, it won't be easy, far from it. I have to make sure that I am tough enough mentally to cope with the negativity that will arise from some people and places and the stress that the process will put me through. 

I'm in a much better place than I was 18 months ago. This decision is the culmination of many hours of soul searching, visiting of dark places, desperation and heartache. This is a decision that will, if it happens, will have immense consequences on relationships, friendships, work and my general well being. Given my love of procrastination, don't expect a lot of movement anytime soon! At least I have made a decision on the issue. I just need to get the ball rolling.........

Last time, I said that I had some other news to tell. Exciting news. Well, here it is......I have been asked to help plan a hen do for a friend of my other gurl friend. For me, that is a brilliant vote of confidence and gives me a great sense of acceptance. I'm really looking forward to it!  I am also being me more. I am managing to be out more, whether just at home or in public. The decision me 1.0 has come to will also have a bearing on me. It will make me slightly redundant I suppose, but, if it happens, it will blur the lines between me 1.0 and 2.0 and create a whole new person.....hopefully!! xxxx

Being around but not visible is hard sometimes. I love going out and I love being myself, but, for the moment, it isn't always possible. I've been lucky in the past month as I've been to London twice and been able to be me at home once. With the better summer weather (hopefully - this is the UK!), I will be able to become more visible and not just around in me 1.0 form.

You already know about my 1st trip to London (if you read my blog on a regular basis - if not, please take the time to read). Luckily, I had another planned. My good friend, with whom I regularly go shopping, asked me a while ago if I wanted to go and see a very rare event happening in London. Obviously, I jumped at the chance. We had a grand day out planned - spa treatment, hours spent at a well known cosmetics shop (it was well lush......), dinner and the show. It was also good for me, as earlier in the year, I had said that I wanted to spend the day as me. This day gave me that opportunity.

However, plans changed slightly. My friends dad had passed away in the intervening period and she had to fly overseas to collect his ashes, the day after the show. This put quite a lot of emotional and financial pressure on her and given the timescales involved, we decided to put the spa treatment on hold. We also had weave the collection and drop off of the country in questions currency into our day.

So, let us go to the start. As it takes time for me 1.0 to become me 2.0, I had to get up early. I was meeting my friend at hers at 11am, so needed at least 2 hours to get ready and get to hers. (I had started prepping the night before - defuzzing and getting my outfit ready.) I have, over time, now got my routine and daytime look sorted. I know not to over dress with too much shapewear - it gets too hot! - have too much make up and don't dress up too much. My aim is to blend in, not to stand out.

It took me about 90 minutes to get ready. That gave me too much time to faff about wondering if I looked OK and if I needed to tweak anything. With everything sorted, off I went. I walked to my friends as it is only 10 minutes along the road. I faced one of the 3 fears that were to come my way - walking along my road, a busy A road during the day. I need not have worried as I was eyed up by one man and most people didn't take any notice. My second and third fears were getting the bus into my local town during the day and then walking through my local town during the day. Both passed without incident and we even had a quick coffee on our way to the station.

After an uneventful train journey to London, we made our way to Oxford St. Via the underground. Now, for me, going into any large crowd is a big deal. Will I be read (will they see that I'm really me 1.0 in female clothing) will I get any nasty remarks etc. Well.....nowt. Nothing. Nada. Absolutely perfect. Our first stop - the cosmetics shop (still well lush.....), where we spent about 2 hours and I spent about £40 (some makeup, perfume and a few other bits). I also had a hand massage, where I was told I had very muscular forearms!

We then went on to pick up and drop off the currency and took a bus to our rendezvous point where we were meeting my friends husband. A pub. Here we had a couple of drinks and a spot of dinner. This was when I decided that I needed to visit the little girls room. My dilemma - there were 3 choices Gentlemen, Ladies or Unisex. Um........which one to choose? Rightly or wrongly, I chose the ladies. Technically, I could have used any. However, I chose the one which was the closest fit to my persona.

So far, the day had gone without a hitch. I was really enjoying myself. Everything felt natural and everything felt right. I was relaxed and being myself. I'm glad I had toned down the dress as It was a little warm and if I had overdressed, I think I would have melted! You may think that there will be a but............but there wasn't. We had another drink and then made our way to the venue - again via bus. I blended in again, but I didn't care if I was being read. I felt good. 

We walked from the bus to the venue, handed out tickets over and found our seats. Front row, First circle. Very good seats! The theme of the show was 'Saying the unsayable'. It was a thought provoking evening and it made me think about my life going forward. The show included a transgender poet and a crossdressing comedian and the fact that I was there as me 2.0 really opened my eyes as to where I want to go with my life. 

However, the show came to an end and we had to make our way home. Make my way back to me 1.0. I still had an just over an hour left as me 2.0 and I felt sad that I would once again be invisible to the naked eye. I savoured every minute of being around and it made me realise that I can go out when I want and that most people don't even notice me. Which is what I want. Stripping off the layers of me 2.0 felt like locking that person up - imprisoning them when they should be free. Hopefully one day they will.

I will just mention the home outing. It was the Eurovision Song Contest. My flatmates were away, so it just lent itself to me 2.0 being out. I had my princess petrol poured (a nice White Zinfandel Rose), some snacks and at first, a cat for company. My friends from up the road came down about halfway through and through a haze of alcohol we tore the voting apart and put the competition to rights! 

I do have some other news to tell, but I will keep that for later. Lets just say that the world of me 2.0 gets slightly bigger and more exciting......xxxx