So, this is it. My last blog post before I go full time. My last blog post under my struggle with my alter ego. The struggle is over - I know who I am. It's been a long, tiring, dramatic, sometimes stressful and lonely journey to this point, but I am here. You're not getting rid of me that easily!

Tomorrow, I go to work as me, ie: not the male me. I will be 100% in my new gender role, not just outside of work. I'm sacred, excited, nervous and everything in between. So far, work have been very good with my transition and making sure that we both know what we expect of each other. It will be interesting for all of us, especially when the physical and emotional changes happen.

I met my work colleagues for the first time as 'me' last week. I have been off of work for two weeks as a break between my male persona and the start of working as my female persona. During this time, I thought it might be a good idea to meet up so they are not as surprised when I turn up for work on my first day. As I expected from my colleagues, it was like 'OK, so, where's the menu?' Perfect. The conversation was as normal, which is as it should be. (The food was ok as well. I didn't pay for it, which is even better!!)

I've spent the last two weeks relaxing, sorting some bits out, getting my wardrobe in order and beautifying myself ready for going full time. Hair cut and dyed, nails tidied up, a bit of waxing and trying to eat better and healthier. It's been bliss spending so much money for once, however I am now broke for a couple of months! It's been well worth it though.

Lastly, I would like to thank everybody for their support, advice, tea, cake, free toiletries, makeup lessons, removing the hair from my back, alcohol, nights out, messages, belief in me and my decision and your love, honesty and friendship. You all know who you are and the part you've played in my rollercoaster ride.

There is also one more thank you and that is to the person who put me back on this ride four years ago. The person who suggested that I crossdress again. I wouldn't be where I am now without you pushing me and cajoling me into it.

The future is looking a lot better than it did four and a half years ago. After 39 years and 241 days, one life is ending. A new one is beginning and what an exciting time it is and will be!! xxxx

After the lows of the past few weeks, an element of high and a general improvement in my mood. The start of the transition from the old me to the new me is taking shape - lots of little changes are happening on a daily basis. I feel more confident in myself and changes that are happening.

So, what is the high? I shall explain. A couple of good friends of mine got engaged a few months ago and have decided to tie the knot later on this year. Another wedding to go to! We love a good wedding. However, there is a little bit more to this wedding, for me at least. We were having a drink, not long after the announcement, when the subject of a chief bridesmaid was mentioned. I thought that they were asking my opinion and nothing more at this point and thought no more about it.

A few weeks passed and we went for another drink. The subject of a chief bridesmaid was bought up again. Only this time, I was asked if I would be chief bridesmaid, or officially, Maid of Honour. To say I was gobsmacked was an understatement. I asked if they were sure, I got a positive answer and I accepted. Me, a Maid of Honour. A massive endorsement of my transition and a massive challenge!

It is a very daunting prospect, given I've spent most of my life in a male role and have been thrust fully into a whole new world of hen parties, bridesmaid dresses and wedding planning. A massive and steep learning curve, but one that I fully relish and an positively excited by. I get to wear a pretty dress, have my hair done and be an integral part of the wedding. I know it's not going to be all plain sailing and there will be hiccoughs along the way, but I get to wear a pretty dress!!

There is a lot to think about and a lot of people to organise and contact with the hen do. Costings, budgets, locations.............all in a short space of time. It's going to be a mammoth task, for me especially and I just hope I get it right. Time will tell.

Outside of the wedding planning, life is better. I am still feeling lonely and a bit down, but my mood is lifting. I have achieved a few milestones recently, going out to more places as myself and meeting more people as myself. That is another confidence booster. One big booster was a charity quiz, run by a work colleagues. A few of my work colleagues would be there, an ex manager, my area manager and some staff from another store. I had to go a bit in disguise as a few customers were also there!

The evening was a success and passed without incident. I have also recently been to a local support group in a nearby city. It is good for me to have support from my peers during my transition as they will have first hand experience of the road ahead. It is a friendly and informal atmosphere where people of all stages are welcome. I will be going at least once a month (hopefully) and it will be a welcome distraction in the months ahead.

Things are going in the right direction at the moment. I'm not getting to ahead of myself, as I know how quickly things can change. And change they will.

Life is full of wonder and amazement. I wonder how I get through it and I'm amazed that I do! It has let me down many times and will continue to do so until the very end. I ride with the highs and the lows and usually come out the other side relatively normal. As normal as I can be. Where is this all leaning? Let me explain............

A lot of people have asked me recently about my relationship preferences.  Am I gay, straight, bisexual or any other leaning. So, for everyone out there, the answer is........wait for it..........nearly there..........I'm.........not sure. Simply, I don't know with whom I want a relationship with. Male, female, Asexual, Non Binary, Transgender - I just don't know. The doctor who referred me to the Gender clinic classed me as a Bisexual Female. If I had to put myself in a box, that is the label I would probably choose.

Now, this is also causing me a major issue at the moment. I have been feeling very lonely recently. Not having that special someone around is weighing heavily on my mind. I want a cuddle. I want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I want someone to be there when I am feeling low. I want to be there for someone. A lot of the friends that I see on a regular basis are couples and I want some of that (not their relationships - my own obviously!) However, this is not as easy to approach for me, for a number of reasons.

I haven't dated for over 16 years. Not since I dated my ex wife. Things have changed a bit since then. Then it was either clubbing, down the pub or meeting friends of friends. Now, it's all about the online dating. I also have to consider who would want to take me on as I am at present and with all the highs and lows that are about to come. Being transgender makes it even more complicated. I'm certainly no catwalk model. More something the cat dragged in! To be honest, I'm sacred. Scared of rejection. Scared of humiliation. Scared of getting hurt both mentally and physically.

I think this is a catch 22 situation. I want a relationship but I am scared to even start looking, so I won't find a relationship. I'm not a very confident person - not confident that anyone would want me. I never have been and probably never will be. That's just the way my mind works, which is probably through years of rejection and put downs. I can pull myself through as I always have done, but it doesn't change anything.

The other issue is my workplace. I can't divulge too much in the blog, but it is safe for me to say that it is not the company I joined 12 years ago. The staff don't really count anymore and this will be the company's loss in the long term. Certain issues have arisen that will affect me long term and certain issues are ongoing at present.

Combine these issues with the frustration of just wanting to start my transition properly and you have one very frustrated and lonely individual. I'm not one to burden my friends with my problems as I feel guilty for doing so and the fact that in the past I have usually had no one to help me deal with them. To a lot of people, I can seem a bit low sometimes but usually have a smile or a (bad) joke to mask how I'm really feeling. This is not a cry for help. It is just to say that I am feeling quite low at the moment, so please bear with me if I seem distant, uninterested or cancel plans at the last minute. I have to look after number one at the moment and deal with my issues.  (To those of you who have confided in me recently with regard to your issues, I am still here to talk to. Don't hesitate to message/talk to me if you need to).

I will get through this at some point. When, I don't know. How, I don't know. Just be patient with me. I appreciate it. xx

Well, it's been a whirlwind couple of weeks. Statements have been posted, both at my place of work and on me 1.0's Facebook page. The response to both has been nothing short of amazing. The amount of positivity and love has been overwhelming. I couldn't have expected it to go any better. So, on that note, I would like to welcome all my new followers and to say thank you to my long term followers for sticking with me. You must all be quite mad!!

The statement at work went out around three weeks ago. The managers in the area where I work were informed a few days before the statement went out to the staff. This was to help deflect any negative comments that may have been made by any of the staff. Then it was 'D' day. The day the statement went live. Each store in my area was sent a copy of my statement and a code of conduct to enforce the company policy on equality to put on the staff notice board. Then I waited.....................

.............and nothing. Perfect. Nothing negative and so far, all positive. It's taking a while for people to get used to using the correct pronouns and my new name (I've now legally changed it), but some people have known me for 11 years as one name so it may take them a while. I'll give them a certain amount of time, but by the end of August I will expect people to get it correct.

Work so far have been amazing. It's been a learning curve for all of us and we are all feeling our way down the path. I have a contact at my head office who has been very helpful in sorting some of the more mundane things out (name badges, first aid certificates etc.) and for fashion advice!! The reaction of the staff has been a massive confidence boost. The future looks good - fingers crossed.

Now onto Facebook. The purveyor of social inadequacy to the world. Me 1.0 and me 2.0 had separate profiles. Lots of my friends were already friends on me 2.0's profile, but a lot of people weren't. As me 1.0 doesn't exist anymore, certain things, such as the Facebook profile have to go. I decided to put a status on the profile to explain my situation and a brief overview of the history behind it. The response - phenomenal! Messages left, right and centre; friend requests galore, lots of positive comments and lots of why has it taken you so long!!

This has made me feel a lot more confident in my decision (it has basically reinforced my original decision) and has lifted my mood immensely. I am excited about going to work as I should be and excited about what the future will be. There is a mountain to climb to get there, with name changes, basic physical changes and getting many little things in place that you don't realise. Some things are easy, some are difficult. Some just make you want to bag your head against a brick wall. It will all be worth it though.

Now, this blog has chronicled nearly every outing as me 2.0 up until now. As me 1.0 is no more (thanks for the memories, but it's time to move on) and me 2.0 was the struggle I had with my alter ego, which is now over, me 3.0 is now here. Me 3.0 is me as I should be. It would be foolish to chronicle every outing now, so I will now just concentrate on the major events and the inner workings of my mind. Once my transition begins in earnest, this blog will be left as a record of my journey from a crazy, mixed up and confused human being to a happier, more positive and confident human being. A new start means a new blog. My journey into womanhood. Eeeek! xx

Nothing ever runs to plan. Fact of life. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way. A small curve ball has been thrown my way this week. Nothing too major, but something may be happening sooner than I planned.

As a matter of course, it is good practice to put out a statement to my workplace explaining that I will be transitioning to me 3.0. I intended to do this at the end of August, a couple of weeks before going to work full time as me 3.0. However, with the workplace rumour mill gathering speed, it has been agreed to bring this release forward to.......this week. Not ideal, but I can see the pro points in releasing it earlier. It won't be going out until the content is agreed - by me! Could be an interesting week, work wise. We'll see........

So, to April. A couple of milestones reached and a few scenarios conquered. Firstly, a hen do and then the wedding. A long time friend of mine was finally getting married. Yippee! Although we don't see each other very often, I consider them a very good friend and it's always nice to catch up with them. I digress. I was lucky enough to be invited to their hen do. Another scenario to add to the list for the Real Life Experience.

I didn't know what to expect. You hear stories about what happens at these parties and as I hadn't experienced anything like this before (my own stag do was quite tame!). It was being hosted by the hen at their new house, which for me was a hour or so drive west from my place. I spent the early afternoon getting ready. As my hair was due a cut, I decided to wig it. It was the longest I'd driven as me 3.0, so another good test for me. I arrived about an hour before things got started as I didn't fancy being the last one there.

The rest of the guests started to turn up and the alcohol was opened. We chose some films to watch - Dirty Dancing, Top Gun and Bridesmaids. We then started the games. Lets just say they were hen do games! As more alcohol was drunk, the more relaxed I became. It was a fab evening and another experience to add to the list. Meeting some of the people at the party would prove useful at the wedding. I drove home the next day, still tired, but happy.

Onto the wedding. My first for a few years and my first as me 3.0. A few months before, I had asked the question as to the dress code. The answer - bright and summery. So, after browsing eBay, I came across the perfect dress. Green with white flower on. Summery and bright. I accessorised it with bits that I already owned and decided to style my own hair for the occasion. (This involved a trip to the hairdressers the day before). I got ready, packed my overnight bag and hopped in the car for the drive west to the venue. What should have taken just over an hour turned into 2 hours. What a nightmare.

I arrived at the hotel I was staying in, checked in (it had been booked under me 1.0 and me 3.0 turned up, confusing the reception staff!) and made my way to the room. I had just enough time to freshen up and touch up my makeup before walking to the venue. Walking through a busy city centre on a Saturday afternoon as me 3.0. Was I apprehensive? No. I was more worried about getting to the venue on time! I eventually got to the venue (via a couple of wrong turns) and made my way to the ceremony.

I sat on my own as I really didn't know anyone and as usually happens at weddings, people sit with people they know. I was just happy to be there and seeing my friend marry someone who they seem extremely happy with. It was a lovely ceremony and both bride and groom looked relaxed and very happy. After the ceremony, we were led to a seating area where drinks were available whilst the pictures were being taken and the room was being made ready for the reception.

This was where meeting the people at the hen do proved useful. One of the bridesmaids came over and sat next to me as they didn't know many people either. We got chatting, consumed few Pimms(!) and eventually we formed a group with another couple of people from the hen do. This would prove very funny later on in the evening! Then, before we realised, the room was ready for the reception and we sat at our respective tables.

Sitting with people I hadn't met before would have normally made me very nervous, but this time, I took it in my stride. The bridesmaid from earlier was sitting next to me, which helped and we did the obligatory introductions. I felt totally at ease. Another scenario done. We ate, drank, toasted, listened to the speeches and drank again. Once the food was over, we were led outside again whilst the disco was set up.

We went back in after a few minutes (I can't exactly remember how long, due to the Pimms!) after linking up to another few from the hen do. We were ready to dance.  And dance we did! Fuelled by alcohol and a sense of duty to dance as no one else was, we hit the dance floor hard. I learnt the Macarena, Saturday Night and a couple of other dances, drank lots and had a brilliant time with the people I was sitting with. They know who they are! Thank you to you all and especially to the bridesmaid who sat with me in the beginning. You helped put me at ease and helped me enormously that day.

As quickly as it began, it was over. The dancing had been done, the drink had been drunk and the feet were sore. It was time to go. I caught a lift back with the happy couple as they required a stop at the only off licence open, which was near my hotel. I said my goodbyes and wandered into my hotel, happy and if ever so slightly drunk. It was time for the pumpkin to return, the makeup to come off and the clothes to be taken off as me 1.0 came back. Then, sleep!

I confused the reception staff the next morning. The same person checked me out as had booked me in. You could see the questioning look in their eyes, but nothing was said. I got into my car and started the drive home. It had been a good day and it had helped my confidence immensely. My friend had got married - something I've been waiting for, for a long time!

April was a better month overall. May has shaped up to be a good month so far, with one more surprise up it's sleeve. More to follow after the Bank Holiday weekend.

STOP PRESS! My statement will not be going out this week. There has been a development - not a major one - but it has had an affect on the release of the statement. It will still be released earlier than I anticipated, but not for the next couple of weeks.

Well, what an eventful couple of months. Busy, busy, busy. Much has happened to further my cause, a few outings, lots of major changes planned. The ball is well and truly rolling!

February and March weren't the best of months. A combination of factors, as explained in a previous post, left me feeling lonely and low. Things are taking their toll in certain areas, but at present, there is nothing I can do to change things. Hopefully over time, things will improve, but I'm not holding out much hope. Life does go on though, things will change, the permanent me 3.0 is coming very soon!

So, what's been happening? If you're interested, read on.............!
March was a wash out, socially. The only plus point was telling work of my transition. I was very apprehensive about telling them as I was afraid of the reaction. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do. I'd asked my area manager for a private meeting a week before. The week leading up to it wasn't good. I was on edge, snappy and generally grumpy. I know that, under UK law I have certain protection, but it still makes you wonder what could happen. Will they try and force me out? Will I lose my job? How will I support myself? These and a few other doomsday questions kept me awake at night on numerous occasions.

The day came. To say I was on edge was an understatement. My area manager arrived and we went into the office. My heart was beating so fast, I thought it was going to explode out of my chest! We sat down and.......I told them. The reaction? The best I could have hoped for. Understanding and the promise of support. A massive weight off of my mind. I had prepared a employers information pack from the Gender Identity Research and Education Society (GIRES) which explains the duties of an employer and an overview of what is involved.

We had a chat about certain issues and what the next step would be. In my case, telling my immediate manager and the staff. For my Area manager, informing head office and the HR department. I asked my manager into the office and told them. They had an inkling that something was up and this was one of the things that they had thought might be happening. Again, support and understanding. I gave them the same pack as I had given my area manager. Next, the staff. As I expected, they were fine with it. It was a case of: 'Is that it?'

In the subsequent days, we agreed on a timescale for me working as me 3.0 full time and made a list of work related issues to deal with. I have to put a statement out to the local branches, which will towards the end of August, explaining the situation and asking staff to use the correct pronouns and greetings. Then, in September, I will be leaving work as me 1.0 and after a 2 week holiday, be going back as me 3.0. I have provided work with an overview of the procedure's involved and the process that I will have to go through and the appointments that I will have to attend. As there is currently no policy in place for Transgender staff, I have the chance to influence the policy at it's infancy. Go me!

Now it's a case of counting down the days, weeks and months until me 3.0, is finally here permanently. There are certain things that I have to do beforehand, like changing my name and living outside of work full time as much as I can. There are things that I have to achieve for my own personal satisfaction so that I can move forward. There is a lot to do, organise and buy to move onto the next step. I'm on the road to be the person I should have been. Me 1.0 hasn't got long left now! 

I shall update you on April in the next couple of days.

Life is moving forward, albeit slowly. From this point on, me 1.0 and me 2.0 will now be me 3.0, as The struggle with my alter ego has entered a new phase: The Long Road of my Transition. Although my decision has been made, the road is a long one. In the UK, there is a protocol that has to be followed and this protocol takes time. That and the lack of trained professionals to deal with all the referrals.

Currently, there is a 13 month wait for the first appointment at the Gender Identity Clinic (GIC) that I have been referred to. I'm lucky. At some clinics, there is a 3 to 4 year wait. With that in mind, my first appointment should be in November. Hopefully. So, prior to the appointment, the GIC run a workshop in which they explain the whole process, from the first appointment to the final operation and immediate aftercare.

So, one Tuesday last month, I had a trip to London. I had to use my last days holiday, as my place of work don't know yet. I went up with a friend, who also had an errand to run whilst up there. So, up I got, washed my hair and styled it ( another test run for the new look) a bit of makeup, some comfortable clothes and shoes and off I went. We met at my friends and then went for coffee before our train.

The train ride was uneventful. Once there, we both needed to use the 'facilities'. Now, the big question for lots of transgender people, is 'Which one should I use?'. In an ideal world, the one in which you feel most comfortable. In reality, it's not that simple. Unless you can pass in your preferred gender, or there are unisex toilets, it's just not possible. For me, I will use the correct toilet for my role on that day. So, the ladies it was. I'm always nervous when I use the facilities of my preferred gender. What if I'm read? What if someone takes offence at me being in there? I can't really use the facilities of my old gender, can I?

Now, after using both male and female facilities, I can categorically say that Ladies toilets are so much better than Gents. Cleaner, tidier and smell much better. I won't miss the smell of old urine and wet urinal floors. I must also remember to keep a pack of tissues with me, in case of toilet roll issues.

On with the story. We made our way onto the underground towards Oxford Street. We had an errand to run before we went our separate ways for a couple of hours. My friend had to get some items from the Oxford Street branch of the company where she works. We spent a while in there (it's a huge branch), but my friend got what they wanted. I needed to get the Piccadilly Underground line to my destination, so we wandered up to Piccadilly Circus. We both needed the line, My friend went north, me south.

So, here I was, on my own on the Underground. Another goal achieved.  Hopefully, the first of many trips on the Underground to my destination. I was a little nervous, but as I got neared my destination, I realised that many before me had made/ are making/ will make this journey to achieve the same goal as me. I got off t my station and made my way to my destination.

It was a short 15 minute walk to the Lecture Hall at the Hospital, where the workshop was being held. Even though registration wasn't until 1.30pm, there was already a queue to get in. Overall, there must have been at least 250 people there - all at various stages of transition and with a huge range of ages. After registering, I made my way into the hall and found a seat.

Once everyone was in, the workshop began. We had the introductions from the clinical team and an overview of what the workshop was about. Firstly, we had a session on the myths and legends surrounding the GIC - what popular misconceptions people had about the clinic, what was true and what was false. We then went through some of the things we could do before our first appointment to help our progress. Things like changing our name and living full time in our preferred gender role.

We then moved onto what the National Health Service (NHS) provides with regard to transition and also what it does not. We were given timescales for the complete process, but in reality, it depends on the individuals situation. Every case is different. Then came the biggie, where Male to Female patients are concerned - vaginoplasty. The formation of a functional vagina. They asked anyone who couldn't cope with anything remotely gory to leave the room. Why? We were shown very graphic photos and film of the operation from start to finish. They then explained what complications that can arise from the surgery and how often they occur.

At this point, for the first time, I felt really scared and frightened of what I'd decided to do. Had I made the right decision? Did I want to put my body through this? Could I cope with anything that could go wrong? I was having serious doubts at this point. It's good to know what can go wrong and how often it does and what your options are, but it's still a frightening prospect.

The next subject was for the Female to Male patient - Phalioplasty. Now that's a far more complicated operation, with far greater risks involved. I can honestly say that I have the upmost respect for anyone who decided to either go through with the operation or not. Either side has it's ups and downs and it is an extremely big decision to make. I don't envy your decision.

We then went onto what counselling is available from the clinic and what services are available to us to aid our mental health through the process. This was coupled with the Speech therapy available to us  - what we get and what we can do to start practising. Lastly, we moved onto Hormone Therapy. We were given an overview on the Oestrogen/Testosterone levels of cis Women/Men and what is needed to change our bodies to levels seen in our chosen gender. We went over how they are administered and who checks up on us and how we can expect our bodies to change on them.

The last major section was on Speech Therapy. There is only one speech therapist who specialises in transgender patients in the UK. This means there is a long waiting list for their services. From the NHS, you get a one hour consultation and 6 x 50 minute sessions. There are also group sessions we can attend, so we can practise conversations, presentations and general everyday speech. They went over how male and female voices differ - pitch, resonance and frequency. We were given some pointers and things we can work on at home before our sessions - so lots of practise coming up!

We finished with a question and answer session, covering many subjects not fully explained in the workshop. It had been a lot to take in over the two and a half hours. Even though I'd had a wobble during the workshop, I left feeling more resolute than ever that this is what I wanted and needed. It won't be easy - it'll be extremely difficult. At least I know now what to expect and how long it will take.

We all filtered out at about 5pam and mad our way back to our usual lives. I walked  back to the station and boarded my train back east. I was meeting my friend at Covent Garden. So here I was, on  an underground train, in rush hour. Another situation conquered. After walking around Covent Garden in search of my friend, I finally found them. They had met up with their mum during the day as they were in town. Unfortunately, my friends mum was going the opposite way to us, so after a brief hello and goodbye, we parted ways. Although it was brief, it was nice to see them.

We were both hungry at this point, so we decided to make our way back to our mainline station and have a bite to eat before our journey back. It was basic pub grub and a nice alcoholic drink - well needed after our respective days. Our train was ready to go, so we boarded, sunk into our seats and made our way back home.

The day has given me a lot to digest, think about and work on, I now have a basic timescale to work to and what to expect over the next four years. I conquered a couple of goals during the day and felt a lot more confident about the future. Next step, telling work and planning for living full time as the real me. That's the next big hurdle to jump. Wish me luck.........xx

February has been a quieter month overall. For much of it, I've felt devoid of any life. All I've wanted to do is curl up in my duvet and shut the world out. There have been some good evenings and a day out, but the overwhelming feeling is to shut myself away from the world.

I think that the euphoria of the new year and January as a whole, have subsided and I've fallen to earth with a bump. A rapid decent with an almighty crash. Only I can pull myself out of this slump, but with each low, my resolve to pull myself out becomes weaker and weaker. I've tried to identify the underlying problems that have caused the general malaise and I can narrow it down to the following:
1). Work. I shouldn't have left my last store. I miss my colleagues, the customers and the town. I was up for the challenge of setting up a new store, but the whole enterprise has been one problem after another.
2). My family. It hurts that I don't see them at the moment. It hurts that even though I've taken steps to change my life for the better, that there still is no real contact from them.
3). The waiting game. All the hoops and waiting that all Transgender patients in the U.K. have to go through. I just want to get on with the process and start to live as my chosen gender. It's not as simple as just changing my hair and piercing my ears - there's a lot more to think about and deal with.

Can I change any of this? Apart from working on the last one, not really. I could change my job, but this will create as many problems as it solves. Damn my stupidly overactive mind. This also causes it's own problems. Overactive mind equals lack of sleep equals not eating properly equals health problems. From chronic heartburn, to psoriasis, to boils, to various aches and pains, I've got them all.

I'm just keeping my head above water and keeping as positive as I can. It's hard, it's draining and I'm just coping. Just.

I mentioned the good times I've had in February. The day out I will talk about in another post - it requires the attention of a whole post. There have been a couple of nights out, both at the beginning of the month. The first was a visit to a comedy club in the local city. It was a surprise gathering for a good friends birthday. The first time sans wig. It felt strange without a wig. My safety blanket of sorts. I could hide behind it, play with it and it finished the look. However, it was my own hair. I felt quite naked without it!

On with the story. A group of us met inside before the birthday boy and his beau (a very good friend of mine) arrived. It was nice to catch up with some people I hadn't seen for a while. We need to get together more often, DON'T WE?! You know who you are! It was a very good evening and I forgot after a while about my sans wig concerns. This is how it's going to be in the future, so it needed to be done. The rest of the group were going for drinkies afterwards, but I had work the next day, so to my bed I went. My first evening without a wig completed. It felt good to have finally been out without one as it meant that things were moving forward - from me 1.0/2.0 to 3.0.

Then came a meal out with someone who, just by a few perfectly timed comments, has had an enormous effect on my mindset with regard to my transition. They have been through a tough time recently and I was honoured that they and their beau came to my birthday. (I was honoured by everyone who came to my birthday, it's just that I don't see these people often, so it was a nice surprise). We decided that we needed a girlie night out and set a date.

We went to an all you can eat Chinese in a local town. I didn't have a lot of time to get ready - I managed to get in, shave, makeup and dressed in 90 minutes. Go me! The day I don't have to shave can't come soon enough. Roll on the electrolysis! I had to get a bus from my flat into the town, sans wig again. Again, another thing I had to do, so I did it. Once off of the bus, I had a 5 minute walk to the restaurant. I went in on my own and got a table and waited for my friend to arrive. I didn't have to wait long and our evening began.

We chatted about many things, both personal and general. It was good to get to know them better as we have always been part of a group. They have always been very supportive of my decision and as far as they are concerned, if I'm out in me 1.0 mode, I'm just crossdressing! We chatted for about three hours. We didn't realise how late it was!  It also meant that I had missed my last bus home. Ah. That meant either a taxi or train home/40 minute walk. Couldn't really afford a taxi, so train and walk it was.

We walked up to the station, as my friend lives near. I had to walk to the station on my own. Another situation - a provincial railway station at night. It had to be done. So onto the platform I went and waited. I got a few stares, but I wasn't really bothered. Let them stare! The train came, on I got and off we went. I got off at my local station and started my walk. As I got to the bus stop, the board said one was due in five minutes. Excellent. Saved me 30 minutes walking!

So, other than these few rays of sunshine, February 2016 can be forgotten about. March so far is......March. I'll post about my day out to London soon. It was a big eye opener for me regarding my way forward and the future. I'm hoping things get better soon. I'm thoroughly fed up with life at the moment.

With New Year out of the way, next up was my birthday. I had planned a quiet week, but as usual, it was anything but. After the excitement of the weekend before, I was still on a high. I wore a huge grin for at least four days afterwards. It's something I will never forget.

Monday came round. I had a lunch date with a good friends mum. I've known them for 16 years and although they were close to my exes family, I'm count myself lucky that I'm still friends with them. We'd been trying to make a lunch date since the new year, but I didn't have any time off planned until the last week. We pinned down a date, time and place, so all we had to do was wait. The purpose of this lunch date was one of information - mine to impart.

My friends mum wanted to meet me 2.0/3.0 and to ask me some questions about me 2.0/3.0. I was looking forward to it. It was a chance for me to walk into my local town in daylight and to have coffee in my local town in daylight. All things to tick off of my list. I walked in and ordered my drink and at down to wait. I didn't have to wait long thought. My friends mum arrived soon after me and we started to chat.

Over the course of a couple of hours, we covered a lot of ground. It was nice to chat and explain why I'd made my decision and to answer her questions. We agreed that we must do it again sometime and I fully intend to make sure that happens. It was validation for me that I've made the right decision and it was nice to know that I have support from all sides.

Over the next few days, it was a case of lunch here and a drink there. My birthday (the Thursday)  was a quiet affair overall. A spot of breakfast, a bit of lunch and a quiet drink in the evening.  The Friday, however, as a different kettle of fish. The day I got my ears pierced. The start of the physical changes to be made. I know it's only a small change, but it is a big step for me.

It was a chance to be me 3.0 for the day. he first day of me 3.0. My own hair, very little makeup and non gender specific clothing. I met my friend on the bus and into the local city we went. After spending a bit of money on some 'essentials', we popped in to the hairdressers she had recently gone into, to ask their opinion on my current style. After about 20 minutes, I was booked in for the next day, to start the classic bob. No point in procrastinating and putting it off. I just had to go for it.

Next, it was time for my moment of pain. My friend was getting her nose pierced at the same time. She went first. As this was a proper piercing place, the holes were made with proper needles. Lets just say, she had tears running down her cheeks after her piercing. I was up next. To say I was frightened/nervous was an understatement. So, after drawing a dot on each ear, I was (sort of) ready.

I was told to breathe in and on the breath out, the needle was pushed through my ear. One down, one to go. Breathe in, and on the breath out, the second hole was made. It hurt, I won't lie. However, it was worth it. The pain and the four month wait until I can finally wear whatever earrings I want. The thought of buying more jewellery. Yippee!

We both needed a little drink after that, so a pub was found. By this time, we were shopped out and we bid farewell to the city. I now had to revert to me 1.0 for my pub birthday party that evening. The last as me 1.0. We popped back to my flat whilst I changed back and off we went.

I had to be up early the next morning for my hair appointment. Bit of makeup, some appropriate clothing and off I went. I got the bus into the city and walked down to the salon. This was a new experience for me. Offered a drink, had my hair washed beforehand and a complete transformation. About an hour later, the start of my transformation was complete. The basis for a Classic Bob. I have to go back at the end of March to hopefully finish the bob, but so far, it looks really good. I'm pleased with it!

I felt fabulous walking back trough the city. Bouncy hair (all my own), cut into a style at last. Another thing I have to get used to, though. Instead of £9 for a hair cut, this cost a bit more. It also meant that I had to buy a hair dryer and the appropriate brushes to keep it looking like a bob. Unfortunately, I had a work do that evening, so once I got home, I had to redo my hair in a more me 1.0 style.

It was a good end to the week. hair cut, ears pierced and the start of many changes to come. There is still much to tell from the past few weeks. A girly chat, comedy gold and lots of much needed info.

I know I said I'd wait a few days before putting up the second part of the New years blog, but life gets in the way. Sorry - my bad! Three weeks later isn't too bad I suppose, better than three months.......!

Right, onto business. Part Two of the new years blog (checks last post to see where I got up to - memory like a sieve sometimes!). There have been lots of opportunities to be myself recently. Lots of either evenings or days out, lots of changes in myself to contribute towards the ultimate outcome. Changes that needed to happen otherwise my favourite pastime of procrastination would takeover.

January 2016 has been a pivotal month for me 1.0. My last birthday as my birth incarnation  - I'm not using the word gender yet as I feel it's too early to use that in regard to the changes that are going to happen. The last hurrah as the old me. The transformation of me 1.0 and me 2.0 into me 3.0. Get the idea? After January, things would never be the same again. How could they be?

Because of this, me 2.0 wasn't really around for the bulk of January. That was a deliberate act on my part, due to the changes that would be happening. Most of my birthday week (I'd taken the week off of work) was spent as me 1.0, although me 2.0 was about for some of it. It was a busy week for us both in lots of ways. Lots of visiting, lunching, alcoholing, spending.........but very rewarding.

So, where did I fit into all of this? The plan was to be in the background for all of January, but, as we all know, life doesn't work that way. After new year, was the amazing show that is Rocky Horror. Me 1.0 had noticed that it was showing again in the local city around the middle of last year. So I thought long and hard about going (all of about 2 seconds) and after asking a few other people if they wanted to go, booked 10 tickets. All I had to do now was decide what I was going to wear.

I decided to go as the Usherette from the beginning of the stage show. I already had a Beehive wig (a bit of fun I purchased last year) so all I needed was a dress. Thank you eBay! You've come to my rescue yet again. Outfit sorted, I was all ready. The day came and.......I was pretty underwhelmed. Last time I went, being me 2.0 was all new and exciting. However, as I am me 2.0 more and more often, it was a bit of an anti climax.

Last time it took me 3 hours to get ready, this time, only 90 minutes. The makeup was easier as I have had plenty of practice now, I was already defuzzed from New Year and I wasn't using the enormous amount of engineering  I had last time. Don't get me wrong, I still had a fabulous time. The show was fantastic, the cast amazing and I had a good group of people around me. (Not all of them know about me 2.0). It's just the thrill of dressing up wasn't there.  I suppose last time it was all new and it was the start of the journey. Now I've made the decision, it's just the 'norm'.

Lets roll on a few weeks. The weekend before my birthday. An impromptu dinner party with a couple of good friends. They live about an hour away from me, so I stayed overnight. I glammed up, as I fancied a good dress up for the first time in a few weeks. Red lippy on, black heels on, I was ready to go. So, over I drove. The friend  whose house I was staying at also has an alter ego. We have helped each other grow in confidence and will continue to do so. The third member of our party is someone who is going through opposite process to the one I will be undergoing - female to male.

We had a few drinks at the house and then we decided to go to a local, country pub. I was a bit apprehensive. A country pub, two alter egos and a transgender man (A Jeremy Kyle episode?). However, I had no reason to be. The landlord knew of my friends alter ego and it was quite relaxed. So back we went. Dinner was cooked, more drink was drunk and the rest I'm afraid I cannot divulge. The intimate fantasy that was enacted happened and I thoroughly enjoyed every last second of it. I won't forget it in a hurry!

I left the next day with a huge grin on my face and a happy heart. It probably won't ever happen again - I'm a realist, but it was a huge tick off of my list. I wasn't expecting it to happen which made it even more enjoyable. It really bought out my feminine side it all felt right. It felt normal. How it should be.

I've a lot  more to tell, so I will leave it at this tonight, but I will post again before the end of the week - I promise! My birthday week, more people knowing, a dose of realism and the start of the physical changes are all to be explored.........

Happy new year to you all! I know it is February, but sometimes life gets in the way. Now, finally, the proper update.  I've been on a bit of a break from the blog - not for any particular reason or any comment made, but just to let things settle for a while and calm down a bit, given the circumstances. This does mean however, that there is a lot to tell. In that respect, I am going to split it into two separate posts so I don't send you to sleep!

Where to begin? The start would be a good place I suppose and probably following on from the last post. Christmas time. A time for family. A time for rejoicing and happiness and......who am I kidding. I hate Christmas. I hate the build up. I hate the commercialism. I hate the faux pretence of loving and sharing. It's always been a bad time of year for me and it was no different on the whole. There were small glimmers of respite amongst all the doom and gloom for which I was very grateful, but it was still very draining and dark times.

Family, in whichever form it my be - either spouse, sibling or parent have all had a major impact on my festive period in the last few years. From the announcement of divorce in 2011, to the events of the latter months of 2015 involving my immediate family all contribute to my disdain for the 'celebration'. Others may say the same about me and they're probably right. I try not to let my mood overtake proceedings, but it is becoming increasingly difficult to do so. My issue I suppose. I'm just being me either 1.0 or 2.0 and that's the view I take on the season.

Luckily, over the past few weeks, I have had the opportunity to be myself quite a few times. Firstly at Christmas - Christmas day to be exact. Due to the complications with my family, it wasn't advisable for me to be at the family Christmas. Luckily some very good friends of mine invited me around to theirs for the day. I'd bought a Crimbo jumper especially for the occasion, made myself look presentable and looked forward to the day as best I could.

I was picked up and driven to my friends flat and...........everything felt natural, everything felt calm and I was happy. Plenty of good drink, food, games, merriment and friendship. There was six of us in total, from parents to cousins - who have all met me 2.0 before - and the atmosphere was brilliant. I felt right, I felt good about myself and I was treated as the real me. It ended up with me and my friends cousin teasing each other like siblings in the evening (although other people called it flirting!). It was a good end to the day.

Then, new year was upon us. Another opportunity to be myself again. Another good friend of mine had invited me out with them and their partner to a pub in the local city. We were going to meet up with an ex of theirs (they are still on good terms and they are someone who has been one of my 'Devils Advocate' throughout my decision making. I will never be able to thank them enough for making me think long and hard about my decision and making sure I didn't make the wrong decision).

The plan was to go to the first venue before moving to another venue. Simple. So, I went for a change of look - a bit more vampy. I wanted to make an impression and hopefully I did. We met up on the train and made our way to the venue. After meting up with our 'host', we got our drinks and sat down. I didn't really know anyone other than my friends new beau and their ex, so I started chatting to the new beau. We had a really good conversation and I got to know them better which was very nice to do.

There was a musician playing at the venue - a one man band. They were very, very good. so good in fact (that plus the alcohol!), that we didn't want to leave. I remember my friends beau started a conga, a lovely lady from Finland joined us and I ended up talking to a very friendly couple who had only just moved to the city. Again, I was happy. I was being accepted as me and it felt good. a real confidence booster. Then, as usual, it was at an end. Home time beckoned. Me 1.0 loomed on the horizon.

There were positives over the festive season. I was allowed to blossom and things felt right. With regard to the family situation, things have taken a complete leftfield turn over the past few weeks - more of the unfolding events in the next post. It fills me with some confidence for the future and we will see how it pans out. Small steps....

So, as me 1.0 and me 2.0 are one and the same now, (should I call myself 3.0 now?), the style of the blog may change. A mixture of the two. The real me. This is the start of real change, from physical appearance to certain mental aspects - as much as I can before my first appointment. From how I look after myself, what I eat to what I do as well as how I act, talk and present myself will all be gradually changed. I've already made two small changes. But, I don't want to tell you what, in this post. You'll have to wait for the second part!

These changes have had to wait until now, as I wanted to celebrate my last birthday as me 1.0 It is a poignant moment for me, knowing that this time next year, I will not be the same person. I will be on my way to being who I want to be and who I should be. Life will be different and relationships will be different. Some relationships have already changed and many more will follow. For better or for worse, I honestly cannot tell at present.

There are lots of things spinning around my head at the moment. Lots of things have happened, some of which I cannot divulge in this blog. Lets just say one of my fantasies has been enacted recently and.......(gazes wistfully into the distance).........that was a big turning point. It's not naughty or dirty, just intimate. More updates to come in the second part of the new year post. I'll let you have a few days to digest this one before I put up the next one.

It's getting more interesting and all is moving forward.........xxxx

A complete curve ball  - I have two posts planned to explain a). my absence from the blog and b). what has happened in the intervening period. However, I feel I must put up this short post today to share my feelings regarding the film 'The Danish Girl'.

It's a film I have wanted to see, given my current situation. I am lucky enough to have a very nice, independent (and cheap!) cinema showing it locally and at the idea of a friend, knowing I am on a weeks holiday, suggested we go and see it. The perfect opportunity. After purchasing our tickets and suitable refreshment (alcohol before 5pm, unheard of for me!), we took our seats.

Now, I know that the film isn't strictly faithful to the actual events - it is based on the book and the book has taken artistic license. To me, the film contains many scenarios to which I can relate to during my struggles with my alter ego. I found myself sympathising with the lead character, Lili Elbe watching the internal struggle to maintain an outward persona to those around her as a male when inside there is the real person trying to break free. The clandestine dressing up, the compulsion to mimic the gender you want to be, so as to appear as your actual gender.

I came out of the film with a refreshed mind as to the way forward from this week. The blurring of the lines between me 1.0 and me 2.0 and how I can achieve that in my day to day life. There are still many things I have to do to achieve my ultimate goal  - it's not just the hormones or surgery; it's all the little things that have to be looked at as well. How you move, hold yourself, what you say and how you say it. Skincare, haircare, eating habits....the list is long and varied.

After my birthday - me 1.0's last hurrah - life will change once and for all. Me 2.0 will be the norm when invited out (wherever possible) unless me 1.0 is specifically asked. I'm having my ears pierced, growing my hair and taking better care of myself. I will practice and start to hold myself better, practice vocally so as not to sound as male and start to enhance my body through exercise and diet.

It will be very hard for some people to deal with these changes - namely my family - and I realise that they will be losing a son/brother/uncle who has been around for 39 years. All I can say is that the same person is still there, the same thoughts, feelings and memories. The vessel will be different -just in it's true form, the one currently inside me with those same thoughts, feelings and memories.

Thank you Lili Elbe - your story has inspired me to go forward with confidence and courage. Your story will stay with me for ever. x