Life is full of wonder and amazement. I wonder how I get through it and I'm amazed that I do! It has let me down many times and will continue to do so until the very end. I ride with the highs and the lows and usually come out the other side relatively normal. As normal as I can be. Where is this all leaning? Let me explain............

A lot of people have asked me recently about my relationship preferences.  Am I gay, straight, bisexual or any other leaning. So, for everyone out there, the answer is........wait for it..........nearly there..........I'm.........not sure. Simply, I don't know with whom I want a relationship with. Male, female, Asexual, Non Binary, Transgender - I just don't know. The doctor who referred me to the Gender clinic classed me as a Bisexual Female. If I had to put myself in a box, that is the label I would probably choose.

Now, this is also causing me a major issue at the moment. I have been feeling very lonely recently. Not having that special someone around is weighing heavily on my mind. I want a cuddle. I want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I want someone to be there when I am feeling low. I want to be there for someone. A lot of the friends that I see on a regular basis are couples and I want some of that (not their relationships - my own obviously!) However, this is not as easy to approach for me, for a number of reasons.

I haven't dated for over 16 years. Not since I dated my ex wife. Things have changed a bit since then. Then it was either clubbing, down the pub or meeting friends of friends. Now, it's all about the online dating. I also have to consider who would want to take me on as I am at present and with all the highs and lows that are about to come. Being transgender makes it even more complicated. I'm certainly no catwalk model. More something the cat dragged in! To be honest, I'm sacred. Scared of rejection. Scared of humiliation. Scared of getting hurt both mentally and physically.

I think this is a catch 22 situation. I want a relationship but I am scared to even start looking, so I won't find a relationship. I'm not a very confident person - not confident that anyone would want me. I never have been and probably never will be. That's just the way my mind works, which is probably through years of rejection and put downs. I can pull myself through as I always have done, but it doesn't change anything.

The other issue is my workplace. I can't divulge too much in the blog, but it is safe for me to say that it is not the company I joined 12 years ago. The staff don't really count anymore and this will be the company's loss in the long term. Certain issues have arisen that will affect me long term and certain issues are ongoing at present.

Combine these issues with the frustration of just wanting to start my transition properly and you have one very frustrated and lonely individual. I'm not one to burden my friends with my problems as I feel guilty for doing so and the fact that in the past I have usually had no one to help me deal with them. To a lot of people, I can seem a bit low sometimes but usually have a smile or a (bad) joke to mask how I'm really feeling. This is not a cry for help. It is just to say that I am feeling quite low at the moment, so please bear with me if I seem distant, uninterested or cancel plans at the last minute. I have to look after number one at the moment and deal with my issues.  (To those of you who have confided in me recently with regard to your issues, I am still here to talk to. Don't hesitate to message/talk to me if you need to).

I will get through this at some point. When, I don't know. How, I don't know. Just be patient with me. I appreciate it. xx