So, this is it. My last blog post before I go full time. My last blog post under my struggle with my alter ego. The struggle is over - I know who I am. It's been a long, tiring, dramatic, sometimes stressful and lonely journey to this point, but I am here. You're not getting rid of me that easily!

Tomorrow, I go to work as me, ie: not the male me. I will be 100% in my new gender role, not just outside of work. I'm sacred, excited, nervous and everything in between. So far, work have been very good with my transition and making sure that we both know what we expect of each other. It will be interesting for all of us, especially when the physical and emotional changes happen.

I met my work colleagues for the first time as 'me' last week. I have been off of work for two weeks as a break between my male persona and the start of working as my female persona. During this time, I thought it might be a good idea to meet up so they are not as surprised when I turn up for work on my first day. As I expected from my colleagues, it was like 'OK, so, where's the menu?' Perfect. The conversation was as normal, which is as it should be. (The food was ok as well. I didn't pay for it, which is even better!!)

I've spent the last two weeks relaxing, sorting some bits out, getting my wardrobe in order and beautifying myself ready for going full time. Hair cut and dyed, nails tidied up, a bit of waxing and trying to eat better and healthier. It's been bliss spending so much money for once, however I am now broke for a couple of months! It's been well worth it though.

Lastly, I would like to thank everybody for their support, advice, tea, cake, free toiletries, makeup lessons, removing the hair from my back, alcohol, nights out, messages, belief in me and my decision and your love, honesty and friendship. You all know who you are and the part you've played in my rollercoaster ride.

There is also one more thank you and that is to the person who put me back on this ride four years ago. The person who suggested that I crossdress again. I wouldn't be where I am now without you pushing me and cajoling me into it.

The future is looking a lot better than it did four and a half years ago. After 39 years and 241 days, one life is ending. A new one is beginning and what an exciting time it is and will be!! xxxx

After the lows of the past few weeks, an element of high and a general improvement in my mood. The start of the transition from the old me to the new me is taking shape - lots of little changes are happening on a daily basis. I feel more confident in myself and changes that are happening.

So, what is the high? I shall explain. A couple of good friends of mine got engaged a few months ago and have decided to tie the knot later on this year. Another wedding to go to! We love a good wedding. However, there is a little bit more to this wedding, for me at least. We were having a drink, not long after the announcement, when the subject of a chief bridesmaid was mentioned. I thought that they were asking my opinion and nothing more at this point and thought no more about it.

A few weeks passed and we went for another drink. The subject of a chief bridesmaid was bought up again. Only this time, I was asked if I would be chief bridesmaid, or officially, Maid of Honour. To say I was gobsmacked was an understatement. I asked if they were sure, I got a positive answer and I accepted. Me, a Maid of Honour. A massive endorsement of my transition and a massive challenge!

It is a very daunting prospect, given I've spent most of my life in a male role and have been thrust fully into a whole new world of hen parties, bridesmaid dresses and wedding planning. A massive and steep learning curve, but one that I fully relish and an positively excited by. I get to wear a pretty dress, have my hair done and be an integral part of the wedding. I know it's not going to be all plain sailing and there will be hiccoughs along the way, but I get to wear a pretty dress!!

There is a lot to think about and a lot of people to organise and contact with the hen do. Costings, budgets, locations.............all in a short space of time. It's going to be a mammoth task, for me especially and I just hope I get it right. Time will tell.

Outside of the wedding planning, life is better. I am still feeling lonely and a bit down, but my mood is lifting. I have achieved a few milestones recently, going out to more places as myself and meeting more people as myself. That is another confidence booster. One big booster was a charity quiz, run by a work colleagues. A few of my work colleagues would be there, an ex manager, my area manager and some staff from another store. I had to go a bit in disguise as a few customers were also there!

The evening was a success and passed without incident. I have also recently been to a local support group in a nearby city. It is good for me to have support from my peers during my transition as they will have first hand experience of the road ahead. It is a friendly and informal atmosphere where people of all stages are welcome. I will be going at least once a month (hopefully) and it will be a welcome distraction in the months ahead.

Things are going in the right direction at the moment. I'm not getting to ahead of myself, as I know how quickly things can change. And change they will.

Life is full of wonder and amazement. I wonder how I get through it and I'm amazed that I do! It has let me down many times and will continue to do so until the very end. I ride with the highs and the lows and usually come out the other side relatively normal. As normal as I can be. Where is this all leaning? Let me explain............

A lot of people have asked me recently about my relationship preferences.  Am I gay, straight, bisexual or any other leaning. So, for everyone out there, the answer is........wait for it..........nearly there..........I'm.........not sure. Simply, I don't know with whom I want a relationship with. Male, female, Asexual, Non Binary, Transgender - I just don't know. The doctor who referred me to the Gender clinic classed me as a Bisexual Female. If I had to put myself in a box, that is the label I would probably choose.

Now, this is also causing me a major issue at the moment. I have been feeling very lonely recently. Not having that special someone around is weighing heavily on my mind. I want a cuddle. I want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I want someone to be there when I am feeling low. I want to be there for someone. A lot of the friends that I see on a regular basis are couples and I want some of that (not their relationships - my own obviously!) However, this is not as easy to approach for me, for a number of reasons.

I haven't dated for over 16 years. Not since I dated my ex wife. Things have changed a bit since then. Then it was either clubbing, down the pub or meeting friends of friends. Now, it's all about the online dating. I also have to consider who would want to take me on as I am at present and with all the highs and lows that are about to come. Being transgender makes it even more complicated. I'm certainly no catwalk model. More something the cat dragged in! To be honest, I'm sacred. Scared of rejection. Scared of humiliation. Scared of getting hurt both mentally and physically.

I think this is a catch 22 situation. I want a relationship but I am scared to even start looking, so I won't find a relationship. I'm not a very confident person - not confident that anyone would want me. I never have been and probably never will be. That's just the way my mind works, which is probably through years of rejection and put downs. I can pull myself through as I always have done, but it doesn't change anything.

The other issue is my workplace. I can't divulge too much in the blog, but it is safe for me to say that it is not the company I joined 12 years ago. The staff don't really count anymore and this will be the company's loss in the long term. Certain issues have arisen that will affect me long term and certain issues are ongoing at present.

Combine these issues with the frustration of just wanting to start my transition properly and you have one very frustrated and lonely individual. I'm not one to burden my friends with my problems as I feel guilty for doing so and the fact that in the past I have usually had no one to help me deal with them. To a lot of people, I can seem a bit low sometimes but usually have a smile or a (bad) joke to mask how I'm really feeling. This is not a cry for help. It is just to say that I am feeling quite low at the moment, so please bear with me if I seem distant, uninterested or cancel plans at the last minute. I have to look after number one at the moment and deal with my issues.  (To those of you who have confided in me recently with regard to your issues, I am still here to talk to. Don't hesitate to message/talk to me if you need to).

I will get through this at some point. When, I don't know. How, I don't know. Just be patient with me. I appreciate it. xx

Well, it's been a whirlwind couple of weeks. Statements have been posted, both at my place of work and on me 1.0's Facebook page. The response to both has been nothing short of amazing. The amount of positivity and love has been overwhelming. I couldn't have expected it to go any better. So, on that note, I would like to welcome all my new followers and to say thank you to my long term followers for sticking with me. You must all be quite mad!!

The statement at work went out around three weeks ago. The managers in the area where I work were informed a few days before the statement went out to the staff. This was to help deflect any negative comments that may have been made by any of the staff. Then it was 'D' day. The day the statement went live. Each store in my area was sent a copy of my statement and a code of conduct to enforce the company policy on equality to put on the staff notice board. Then I waited.....................

.............and nothing. Perfect. Nothing negative and so far, all positive. It's taking a while for people to get used to using the correct pronouns and my new name (I've now legally changed it), but some people have known me for 11 years as one name so it may take them a while. I'll give them a certain amount of time, but by the end of August I will expect people to get it correct.

Work so far have been amazing. It's been a learning curve for all of us and we are all feeling our way down the path. I have a contact at my head office who has been very helpful in sorting some of the more mundane things out (name badges, first aid certificates etc.) and for fashion advice!! The reaction of the staff has been a massive confidence boost. The future looks good - fingers crossed.

Now onto Facebook. The purveyor of social inadequacy to the world. Me 1.0 and me 2.0 had separate profiles. Lots of my friends were already friends on me 2.0's profile, but a lot of people weren't. As me 1.0 doesn't exist anymore, certain things, such as the Facebook profile have to go. I decided to put a status on the profile to explain my situation and a brief overview of the history behind it. The response - phenomenal! Messages left, right and centre; friend requests galore, lots of positive comments and lots of why has it taken you so long!!

This has made me feel a lot more confident in my decision (it has basically reinforced my original decision) and has lifted my mood immensely. I am excited about going to work as I should be and excited about what the future will be. There is a mountain to climb to get there, with name changes, basic physical changes and getting many little things in place that you don't realise. Some things are easy, some are difficult. Some just make you want to bag your head against a brick wall. It will all be worth it though.

Now, this blog has chronicled nearly every outing as me 2.0 up until now. As me 1.0 is no more (thanks for the memories, but it's time to move on) and me 2.0 was the struggle I had with my alter ego, which is now over, me 3.0 is now here. Me 3.0 is me as I should be. It would be foolish to chronicle every outing now, so I will now just concentrate on the major events and the inner workings of my mind. Once my transition begins in earnest, this blog will be left as a record of my journey from a crazy, mixed up and confused human being to a happier, more positive and confident human being. A new start means a new blog. My journey into womanhood. Eeeek! xx

Nothing ever runs to plan. Fact of life. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way. A small curve ball has been thrown my way this week. Nothing too major, but something may be happening sooner than I planned.

As a matter of course, it is good practice to put out a statement to my workplace explaining that I will be transitioning to me 3.0. I intended to do this at the end of August, a couple of weeks before going to work full time as me 3.0. However, with the workplace rumour mill gathering speed, it has been agreed to bring this release forward to.......this week. Not ideal, but I can see the pro points in releasing it earlier. It won't be going out until the content is agreed - by me! Could be an interesting week, work wise. We'll see........

So, to April. A couple of milestones reached and a few scenarios conquered. Firstly, a hen do and then the wedding. A long time friend of mine was finally getting married. Yippee! Although we don't see each other very often, I consider them a very good friend and it's always nice to catch up with them. I digress. I was lucky enough to be invited to their hen do. Another scenario to add to the list for the Real Life Experience.

I didn't know what to expect. You hear stories about what happens at these parties and as I hadn't experienced anything like this before (my own stag do was quite tame!). It was being hosted by the hen at their new house, which for me was a hour or so drive west from my place. I spent the early afternoon getting ready. As my hair was due a cut, I decided to wig it. It was the longest I'd driven as me 3.0, so another good test for me. I arrived about an hour before things got started as I didn't fancy being the last one there.

The rest of the guests started to turn up and the alcohol was opened. We chose some films to watch - Dirty Dancing, Top Gun and Bridesmaids. We then started the games. Lets just say they were hen do games! As more alcohol was drunk, the more relaxed I became. It was a fab evening and another experience to add to the list. Meeting some of the people at the party would prove useful at the wedding. I drove home the next day, still tired, but happy.

Onto the wedding. My first for a few years and my first as me 3.0. A few months before, I had asked the question as to the dress code. The answer - bright and summery. So, after browsing eBay, I came across the perfect dress. Green with white flower on. Summery and bright. I accessorised it with bits that I already owned and decided to style my own hair for the occasion. (This involved a trip to the hairdressers the day before). I got ready, packed my overnight bag and hopped in the car for the drive west to the venue. What should have taken just over an hour turned into 2 hours. What a nightmare.

I arrived at the hotel I was staying in, checked in (it had been booked under me 1.0 and me 3.0 turned up, confusing the reception staff!) and made my way to the room. I had just enough time to freshen up and touch up my makeup before walking to the venue. Walking through a busy city centre on a Saturday afternoon as me 3.0. Was I apprehensive? No. I was more worried about getting to the venue on time! I eventually got to the venue (via a couple of wrong turns) and made my way to the ceremony.

I sat on my own as I really didn't know anyone and as usually happens at weddings, people sit with people they know. I was just happy to be there and seeing my friend marry someone who they seem extremely happy with. It was a lovely ceremony and both bride and groom looked relaxed and very happy. After the ceremony, we were led to a seating area where drinks were available whilst the pictures were being taken and the room was being made ready for the reception.

This was where meeting the people at the hen do proved useful. One of the bridesmaids came over and sat next to me as they didn't know many people either. We got chatting, consumed few Pimms(!) and eventually we formed a group with another couple of people from the hen do. This would prove very funny later on in the evening! Then, before we realised, the room was ready for the reception and we sat at our respective tables.

Sitting with people I hadn't met before would have normally made me very nervous, but this time, I took it in my stride. The bridesmaid from earlier was sitting next to me, which helped and we did the obligatory introductions. I felt totally at ease. Another scenario done. We ate, drank, toasted, listened to the speeches and drank again. Once the food was over, we were led outside again whilst the disco was set up.

We went back in after a few minutes (I can't exactly remember how long, due to the Pimms!) after linking up to another few from the hen do. We were ready to dance.  And dance we did! Fuelled by alcohol and a sense of duty to dance as no one else was, we hit the dance floor hard. I learnt the Macarena, Saturday Night and a couple of other dances, drank lots and had a brilliant time with the people I was sitting with. They know who they are! Thank you to you all and especially to the bridesmaid who sat with me in the beginning. You helped put me at ease and helped me enormously that day.

As quickly as it began, it was over. The dancing had been done, the drink had been drunk and the feet were sore. It was time to go. I caught a lift back with the happy couple as they required a stop at the only off licence open, which was near my hotel. I said my goodbyes and wandered into my hotel, happy and if ever so slightly drunk. It was time for the pumpkin to return, the makeup to come off and the clothes to be taken off as me 1.0 came back. Then, sleep!

I confused the reception staff the next morning. The same person checked me out as had booked me in. You could see the questioning look in their eyes, but nothing was said. I got into my car and started the drive home. It had been a good day and it had helped my confidence immensely. My friend had got married - something I've been waiting for, for a long time!

April was a better month overall. May has shaped up to be a good month so far, with one more surprise up it's sleeve. More to follow after the Bank Holiday weekend.

STOP PRESS! My statement will not be going out this week. There has been a development - not a major one - but it has had an affect on the release of the statement. It will still be released earlier than I anticipated, but not for the next couple of weeks.

Well, what an eventful couple of months. Busy, busy, busy. Much has happened to further my cause, a few outings, lots of major changes planned. The ball is well and truly rolling!

February and March weren't the best of months. A combination of factors, as explained in a previous post, left me feeling lonely and low. Things are taking their toll in certain areas, but at present, there is nothing I can do to change things. Hopefully over time, things will improve, but I'm not holding out much hope. Life does go on though, things will change, the permanent me 3.0 is coming very soon!

So, what's been happening? If you're interested, read on.............!
March was a wash out, socially. The only plus point was telling work of my transition. I was very apprehensive about telling them as I was afraid of the reaction. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do. I'd asked my area manager for a private meeting a week before. The week leading up to it wasn't good. I was on edge, snappy and generally grumpy. I know that, under UK law I have certain protection, but it still makes you wonder what could happen. Will they try and force me out? Will I lose my job? How will I support myself? These and a few other doomsday questions kept me awake at night on numerous occasions.

The day came. To say I was on edge was an understatement. My area manager arrived and we went into the office. My heart was beating so fast, I thought it was going to explode out of my chest! We sat down and.......I told them. The reaction? The best I could have hoped for. Understanding and the promise of support. A massive weight off of my mind. I had prepared a employers information pack from the Gender Identity Research and Education Society (GIRES) which explains the duties of an employer and an overview of what is involved.

We had a chat about certain issues and what the next step would be. In my case, telling my immediate manager and the staff. For my Area manager, informing head office and the HR department. I asked my manager into the office and told them. They had an inkling that something was up and this was one of the things that they had thought might be happening. Again, support and understanding. I gave them the same pack as I had given my area manager. Next, the staff. As I expected, they were fine with it. It was a case of: 'Is that it?'

In the subsequent days, we agreed on a timescale for me working as me 3.0 full time and made a list of work related issues to deal with. I have to put a statement out to the local branches, which will towards the end of August, explaining the situation and asking staff to use the correct pronouns and greetings. Then, in September, I will be leaving work as me 1.0 and after a 2 week holiday, be going back as me 3.0. I have provided work with an overview of the procedure's involved and the process that I will have to go through and the appointments that I will have to attend. As there is currently no policy in place for Transgender staff, I have the chance to influence the policy at it's infancy. Go me!

Now it's a case of counting down the days, weeks and months until me 3.0, is finally here permanently. There are certain things that I have to do beforehand, like changing my name and living outside of work full time as much as I can. There are things that I have to achieve for my own personal satisfaction so that I can move forward. There is a lot to do, organise and buy to move onto the next step. I'm on the road to be the person I should have been. Me 1.0 hasn't got long left now! 

I shall update you on April in the next couple of days.

Life is moving forward, albeit slowly. From this point on, me 1.0 and me 2.0 will now be me 3.0, as The struggle with my alter ego has entered a new phase: The Long Road of my Transition. Although my decision has been made, the road is a long one. In the UK, there is a protocol that has to be followed and this protocol takes time. That and the lack of trained professionals to deal with all the referrals.

Currently, there is a 13 month wait for the first appointment at the Gender Identity Clinic (GIC) that I have been referred to. I'm lucky. At some clinics, there is a 3 to 4 year wait. With that in mind, my first appointment should be in November. Hopefully. So, prior to the appointment, the GIC run a workshop in which they explain the whole process, from the first appointment to the final operation and immediate aftercare.

So, one Tuesday last month, I had a trip to London. I had to use my last days holiday, as my place of work don't know yet. I went up with a friend, who also had an errand to run whilst up there. So, up I got, washed my hair and styled it ( another test run for the new look) a bit of makeup, some comfortable clothes and shoes and off I went. We met at my friends and then went for coffee before our train.

The train ride was uneventful. Once there, we both needed to use the 'facilities'. Now, the big question for lots of transgender people, is 'Which one should I use?'. In an ideal world, the one in which you feel most comfortable. In reality, it's not that simple. Unless you can pass in your preferred gender, or there are unisex toilets, it's just not possible. For me, I will use the correct toilet for my role on that day. So, the ladies it was. I'm always nervous when I use the facilities of my preferred gender. What if I'm read? What if someone takes offence at me being in there? I can't really use the facilities of my old gender, can I?

Now, after using both male and female facilities, I can categorically say that Ladies toilets are so much better than Gents. Cleaner, tidier and smell much better. I won't miss the smell of old urine and wet urinal floors. I must also remember to keep a pack of tissues with me, in case of toilet roll issues.

On with the story. We made our way onto the underground towards Oxford Street. We had an errand to run before we went our separate ways for a couple of hours. My friend had to get some items from the Oxford Street branch of the company where she works. We spent a while in there (it's a huge branch), but my friend got what they wanted. I needed to get the Piccadilly Underground line to my destination, so we wandered up to Piccadilly Circus. We both needed the line, My friend went north, me south.

So, here I was, on my own on the Underground. Another goal achieved.  Hopefully, the first of many trips on the Underground to my destination. I was a little nervous, but as I got neared my destination, I realised that many before me had made/ are making/ will make this journey to achieve the same goal as me. I got off t my station and made my way to my destination.

It was a short 15 minute walk to the Lecture Hall at the Hospital, where the workshop was being held. Even though registration wasn't until 1.30pm, there was already a queue to get in. Overall, there must have been at least 250 people there - all at various stages of transition and with a huge range of ages. After registering, I made my way into the hall and found a seat.

Once everyone was in, the workshop began. We had the introductions from the clinical team and an overview of what the workshop was about. Firstly, we had a session on the myths and legends surrounding the GIC - what popular misconceptions people had about the clinic, what was true and what was false. We then went through some of the things we could do before our first appointment to help our progress. Things like changing our name and living full time in our preferred gender role.

We then moved onto what the National Health Service (NHS) provides with regard to transition and also what it does not. We were given timescales for the complete process, but in reality, it depends on the individuals situation. Every case is different. Then came the biggie, where Male to Female patients are concerned - vaginoplasty. The formation of a functional vagina. They asked anyone who couldn't cope with anything remotely gory to leave the room. Why? We were shown very graphic photos and film of the operation from start to finish. They then explained what complications that can arise from the surgery and how often they occur.

At this point, for the first time, I felt really scared and frightened of what I'd decided to do. Had I made the right decision? Did I want to put my body through this? Could I cope with anything that could go wrong? I was having serious doubts at this point. It's good to know what can go wrong and how often it does and what your options are, but it's still a frightening prospect.

The next subject was for the Female to Male patient - Phalioplasty. Now that's a far more complicated operation, with far greater risks involved. I can honestly say that I have the upmost respect for anyone who decided to either go through with the operation or not. Either side has it's ups and downs and it is an extremely big decision to make. I don't envy your decision.

We then went onto what counselling is available from the clinic and what services are available to us to aid our mental health through the process. This was coupled with the Speech therapy available to us  - what we get and what we can do to start practising. Lastly, we moved onto Hormone Therapy. We were given an overview on the Oestrogen/Testosterone levels of cis Women/Men and what is needed to change our bodies to levels seen in our chosen gender. We went over how they are administered and who checks up on us and how we can expect our bodies to change on them.

The last major section was on Speech Therapy. There is only one speech therapist who specialises in transgender patients in the UK. This means there is a long waiting list for their services. From the NHS, you get a one hour consultation and 6 x 50 minute sessions. There are also group sessions we can attend, so we can practise conversations, presentations and general everyday speech. They went over how male and female voices differ - pitch, resonance and frequency. We were given some pointers and things we can work on at home before our sessions - so lots of practise coming up!

We finished with a question and answer session, covering many subjects not fully explained in the workshop. It had been a lot to take in over the two and a half hours. Even though I'd had a wobble during the workshop, I left feeling more resolute than ever that this is what I wanted and needed. It won't be easy - it'll be extremely difficult. At least I know now what to expect and how long it will take.

We all filtered out at about 5pam and mad our way back to our usual lives. I walked  back to the station and boarded my train back east. I was meeting my friend at Covent Garden. So here I was, on  an underground train, in rush hour. Another situation conquered. After walking around Covent Garden in search of my friend, I finally found them. They had met up with their mum during the day as they were in town. Unfortunately, my friends mum was going the opposite way to us, so after a brief hello and goodbye, we parted ways. Although it was brief, it was nice to see them.

We were both hungry at this point, so we decided to make our way back to our mainline station and have a bite to eat before our journey back. It was basic pub grub and a nice alcoholic drink - well needed after our respective days. Our train was ready to go, so we boarded, sunk into our seats and made our way back home.

The day has given me a lot to digest, think about and work on, I now have a basic timescale to work to and what to expect over the next four years. I conquered a couple of goals during the day and felt a lot more confident about the future. Next step, telling work and planning for living full time as the real me. That's the next big hurdle to jump. Wish me luck.........xx