February has been a quieter month overall. For much of it, I've felt devoid of any life. All I've wanted to do is curl up in my duvet and shut the world out. There have been some good evenings and a day out, but the overwhelming feeling is to shut myself away from the world.

I think that the euphoria of the new year and January as a whole, have subsided and I've fallen to earth with a bump. A rapid decent with an almighty crash. Only I can pull myself out of this slump, but with each low, my resolve to pull myself out becomes weaker and weaker. I've tried to identify the underlying problems that have caused the general malaise and I can narrow it down to the following:
1). Work. I shouldn't have left my last store. I miss my colleagues, the customers and the town. I was up for the challenge of setting up a new store, but the whole enterprise has been one problem after another.
2). My family. It hurts that I don't see them at the moment. It hurts that even though I've taken steps to change my life for the better, that there still is no real contact from them.
3). The waiting game. All the hoops and waiting that all Transgender patients in the U.K. have to go through. I just want to get on with the process and start to live as my chosen gender. It's not as simple as just changing my hair and piercing my ears - there's a lot more to think about and deal with.

Can I change any of this? Apart from working on the last one, not really. I could change my job, but this will create as many problems as it solves. Damn my stupidly overactive mind. This also causes it's own problems. Overactive mind equals lack of sleep equals not eating properly equals health problems. From chronic heartburn, to psoriasis, to boils, to various aches and pains, I've got them all.

I'm just keeping my head above water and keeping as positive as I can. It's hard, it's draining and I'm just coping. Just.

I mentioned the good times I've had in February. The day out I will talk about in another post - it requires the attention of a whole post. There have been a couple of nights out, both at the beginning of the month. The first was a visit to a comedy club in the local city. It was a surprise gathering for a good friends birthday. The first time sans wig. It felt strange without a wig. My safety blanket of sorts. I could hide behind it, play with it and it finished the look. However, it was my own hair. I felt quite naked without it!

On with the story. A group of us met inside before the birthday boy and his beau (a very good friend of mine) arrived. It was nice to catch up with some people I hadn't seen for a while. We need to get together more often, DON'T WE?! You know who you are! It was a very good evening and I forgot after a while about my sans wig concerns. This is how it's going to be in the future, so it needed to be done. The rest of the group were going for drinkies afterwards, but I had work the next day, so to my bed I went. My first evening without a wig completed. It felt good to have finally been out without one as it meant that things were moving forward - from me 1.0/2.0 to 3.0.

Then came a meal out with someone who, just by a few perfectly timed comments, has had an enormous effect on my mindset with regard to my transition. They have been through a tough time recently and I was honoured that they and their beau came to my birthday. (I was honoured by everyone who came to my birthday, it's just that I don't see these people often, so it was a nice surprise). We decided that we needed a girlie night out and set a date.

We went to an all you can eat Chinese in a local town. I didn't have a lot of time to get ready - I managed to get in, shave, makeup and dressed in 90 minutes. Go me! The day I don't have to shave can't come soon enough. Roll on the electrolysis! I had to get a bus from my flat into the town, sans wig again. Again, another thing I had to do, so I did it. Once off of the bus, I had a 5 minute walk to the restaurant. I went in on my own and got a table and waited for my friend to arrive. I didn't have to wait long and our evening began.

We chatted about many things, both personal and general. It was good to get to know them better as we have always been part of a group. They have always been very supportive of my decision and as far as they are concerned, if I'm out in me 1.0 mode, I'm just crossdressing! We chatted for about three hours. We didn't realise how late it was!  It also meant that I had missed my last bus home. Ah. That meant either a taxi or train home/40 minute walk. Couldn't really afford a taxi, so train and walk it was.

We walked up to the station, as my friend lives near. I had to walk to the station on my own. Another situation - a provincial railway station at night. It had to be done. So onto the platform I went and waited. I got a few stares, but I wasn't really bothered. Let them stare! The train came, on I got and off we went. I got off at my local station and started my walk. As I got to the bus stop, the board said one was due in five minutes. Excellent. Saved me 30 minutes walking!

So, other than these few rays of sunshine, February 2016 can be forgotten about. March so far is......March. I'll post about my day out to London soon. It was a big eye opener for me regarding my way forward and the future. I'm hoping things get better soon. I'm thoroughly fed up with life at the moment.

With New Year out of the way, next up was my birthday. I had planned a quiet week, but as usual, it was anything but. After the excitement of the weekend before, I was still on a high. I wore a huge grin for at least four days afterwards. It's something I will never forget.

Monday came round. I had a lunch date with a good friends mum. I've known them for 16 years and although they were close to my exes family, I'm count myself lucky that I'm still friends with them. We'd been trying to make a lunch date since the new year, but I didn't have any time off planned until the last week. We pinned down a date, time and place, so all we had to do was wait. The purpose of this lunch date was one of information - mine to impart.

My friends mum wanted to meet me 2.0/3.0 and to ask me some questions about me 2.0/3.0. I was looking forward to it. It was a chance for me to walk into my local town in daylight and to have coffee in my local town in daylight. All things to tick off of my list. I walked in and ordered my drink and at down to wait. I didn't have to wait long thought. My friends mum arrived soon after me and we started to chat.

Over the course of a couple of hours, we covered a lot of ground. It was nice to chat and explain why I'd made my decision and to answer her questions. We agreed that we must do it again sometime and I fully intend to make sure that happens. It was validation for me that I've made the right decision and it was nice to know that I have support from all sides.

Over the next few days, it was a case of lunch here and a drink there. My birthday (the Thursday)  was a quiet affair overall. A spot of breakfast, a bit of lunch and a quiet drink in the evening.  The Friday, however, as a different kettle of fish. The day I got my ears pierced. The start of the physical changes to be made. I know it's only a small change, but it is a big step for me.

It was a chance to be me 3.0 for the day. he first day of me 3.0. My own hair, very little makeup and non gender specific clothing. I met my friend on the bus and into the local city we went. After spending a bit of money on some 'essentials', we popped in to the hairdressers she had recently gone into, to ask their opinion on my current style. After about 20 minutes, I was booked in for the next day, to start the classic bob. No point in procrastinating and putting it off. I just had to go for it.

Next, it was time for my moment of pain. My friend was getting her nose pierced at the same time. She went first. As this was a proper piercing place, the holes were made with proper needles. Lets just say, she had tears running down her cheeks after her piercing. I was up next. To say I was frightened/nervous was an understatement. So, after drawing a dot on each ear, I was (sort of) ready.

I was told to breathe in and on the breath out, the needle was pushed through my ear. One down, one to go. Breathe in, and on the breath out, the second hole was made. It hurt, I won't lie. However, it was worth it. The pain and the four month wait until I can finally wear whatever earrings I want. The thought of buying more jewellery. Yippee!

We both needed a little drink after that, so a pub was found. By this time, we were shopped out and we bid farewell to the city. I now had to revert to me 1.0 for my pub birthday party that evening. The last as me 1.0. We popped back to my flat whilst I changed back and off we went.

I had to be up early the next morning for my hair appointment. Bit of makeup, some appropriate clothing and off I went. I got the bus into the city and walked down to the salon. This was a new experience for me. Offered a drink, had my hair washed beforehand and a complete transformation. About an hour later, the start of my transformation was complete. The basis for a Classic Bob. I have to go back at the end of March to hopefully finish the bob, but so far, it looks really good. I'm pleased with it!

I felt fabulous walking back trough the city. Bouncy hair (all my own), cut into a style at last. Another thing I have to get used to, though. Instead of £9 for a hair cut, this cost a bit more. It also meant that I had to buy a hair dryer and the appropriate brushes to keep it looking like a bob. Unfortunately, I had a work do that evening, so once I got home, I had to redo my hair in a more me 1.0 style.

It was a good end to the week. hair cut, ears pierced and the start of many changes to come. There is still much to tell from the past few weeks. A girly chat, comedy gold and lots of much needed info.

I know I said I'd wait a few days before putting up the second part of the New years blog, but life gets in the way. Sorry - my bad! Three weeks later isn't too bad I suppose, better than three months.......!

Right, onto business. Part Two of the new years blog (checks last post to see where I got up to - memory like a sieve sometimes!). There have been lots of opportunities to be myself recently. Lots of either evenings or days out, lots of changes in myself to contribute towards the ultimate outcome. Changes that needed to happen otherwise my favourite pastime of procrastination would takeover.

January 2016 has been a pivotal month for me 1.0. My last birthday as my birth incarnation  - I'm not using the word gender yet as I feel it's too early to use that in regard to the changes that are going to happen. The last hurrah as the old me. The transformation of me 1.0 and me 2.0 into me 3.0. Get the idea? After January, things would never be the same again. How could they be?

Because of this, me 2.0 wasn't really around for the bulk of January. That was a deliberate act on my part, due to the changes that would be happening. Most of my birthday week (I'd taken the week off of work) was spent as me 1.0, although me 2.0 was about for some of it. It was a busy week for us both in lots of ways. Lots of visiting, lunching, alcoholing, spending.........but very rewarding.

So, where did I fit into all of this? The plan was to be in the background for all of January, but, as we all know, life doesn't work that way. After new year, was the amazing show that is Rocky Horror. Me 1.0 had noticed that it was showing again in the local city around the middle of last year. So I thought long and hard about going (all of about 2 seconds) and after asking a few other people if they wanted to go, booked 10 tickets. All I had to do now was decide what I was going to wear.

I decided to go as the Usherette from the beginning of the stage show. I already had a Beehive wig (a bit of fun I purchased last year) so all I needed was a dress. Thank you eBay! You've come to my rescue yet again. Outfit sorted, I was all ready. The day came and.......I was pretty underwhelmed. Last time I went, being me 2.0 was all new and exciting. However, as I am me 2.0 more and more often, it was a bit of an anti climax.

Last time it took me 3 hours to get ready, this time, only 90 minutes. The makeup was easier as I have had plenty of practice now, I was already defuzzed from New Year and I wasn't using the enormous amount of engineering  I had last time. Don't get me wrong, I still had a fabulous time. The show was fantastic, the cast amazing and I had a good group of people around me. (Not all of them know about me 2.0). It's just the thrill of dressing up wasn't there.  I suppose last time it was all new and it was the start of the journey. Now I've made the decision, it's just the 'norm'.

Lets roll on a few weeks. The weekend before my birthday. An impromptu dinner party with a couple of good friends. They live about an hour away from me, so I stayed overnight. I glammed up, as I fancied a good dress up for the first time in a few weeks. Red lippy on, black heels on, I was ready to go. So, over I drove. The friend  whose house I was staying at also has an alter ego. We have helped each other grow in confidence and will continue to do so. The third member of our party is someone who is going through opposite process to the one I will be undergoing - female to male.

We had a few drinks at the house and then we decided to go to a local, country pub. I was a bit apprehensive. A country pub, two alter egos and a transgender man (A Jeremy Kyle episode?). However, I had no reason to be. The landlord knew of my friends alter ego and it was quite relaxed. So back we went. Dinner was cooked, more drink was drunk and the rest I'm afraid I cannot divulge. The intimate fantasy that was enacted happened and I thoroughly enjoyed every last second of it. I won't forget it in a hurry!

I left the next day with a huge grin on my face and a happy heart. It probably won't ever happen again - I'm a realist, but it was a huge tick off of my list. I wasn't expecting it to happen which made it even more enjoyable. It really bought out my feminine side it all felt right. It felt normal. How it should be.

I've a lot  more to tell, so I will leave it at this tonight, but I will post again before the end of the week - I promise! My birthday week, more people knowing, a dose of realism and the start of the physical changes are all to be explored.........

Happy new year to you all! I know it is February, but sometimes life gets in the way. Now, finally, the proper update.  I've been on a bit of a break from the blog - not for any particular reason or any comment made, but just to let things settle for a while and calm down a bit, given the circumstances. This does mean however, that there is a lot to tell. In that respect, I am going to split it into two separate posts so I don't send you to sleep!

Where to begin? The start would be a good place I suppose and probably following on from the last post. Christmas time. A time for family. A time for rejoicing and happiness and......who am I kidding. I hate Christmas. I hate the build up. I hate the commercialism. I hate the faux pretence of loving and sharing. It's always been a bad time of year for me and it was no different on the whole. There were small glimmers of respite amongst all the doom and gloom for which I was very grateful, but it was still very draining and dark times.

Family, in whichever form it my be - either spouse, sibling or parent have all had a major impact on my festive period in the last few years. From the announcement of divorce in 2011, to the events of the latter months of 2015 involving my immediate family all contribute to my disdain for the 'celebration'. Others may say the same about me and they're probably right. I try not to let my mood overtake proceedings, but it is becoming increasingly difficult to do so. My issue I suppose. I'm just being me either 1.0 or 2.0 and that's the view I take on the season.

Luckily, over the past few weeks, I have had the opportunity to be myself quite a few times. Firstly at Christmas - Christmas day to be exact. Due to the complications with my family, it wasn't advisable for me to be at the family Christmas. Luckily some very good friends of mine invited me around to theirs for the day. I'd bought a Crimbo jumper especially for the occasion, made myself look presentable and looked forward to the day as best I could.

I was picked up and driven to my friends flat and...........everything felt natural, everything felt calm and I was happy. Plenty of good drink, food, games, merriment and friendship. There was six of us in total, from parents to cousins - who have all met me 2.0 before - and the atmosphere was brilliant. I felt right, I felt good about myself and I was treated as the real me. It ended up with me and my friends cousin teasing each other like siblings in the evening (although other people called it flirting!). It was a good end to the day.

Then, new year was upon us. Another opportunity to be myself again. Another good friend of mine had invited me out with them and their partner to a pub in the local city. We were going to meet up with an ex of theirs (they are still on good terms and they are someone who has been one of my 'Devils Advocate' throughout my decision making. I will never be able to thank them enough for making me think long and hard about my decision and making sure I didn't make the wrong decision).

The plan was to go to the first venue before moving to another venue. Simple. So, I went for a change of look - a bit more vampy. I wanted to make an impression and hopefully I did. We met up on the train and made our way to the venue. After meting up with our 'host', we got our drinks and sat down. I didn't really know anyone other than my friends new beau and their ex, so I started chatting to the new beau. We had a really good conversation and I got to know them better which was very nice to do.

There was a musician playing at the venue - a one man band. They were very, very good. so good in fact (that plus the alcohol!), that we didn't want to leave. I remember my friends beau started a conga, a lovely lady from Finland joined us and I ended up talking to a very friendly couple who had only just moved to the city. Again, I was happy. I was being accepted as me and it felt good. a real confidence booster. Then, as usual, it was at an end. Home time beckoned. Me 1.0 loomed on the horizon.

There were positives over the festive season. I was allowed to blossom and things felt right. With regard to the family situation, things have taken a complete leftfield turn over the past few weeks - more of the unfolding events in the next post. It fills me with some confidence for the future and we will see how it pans out. Small steps....

So, as me 1.0 and me 2.0 are one and the same now, (should I call myself 3.0 now?), the style of the blog may change. A mixture of the two. The real me. This is the start of real change, from physical appearance to certain mental aspects - as much as I can before my first appointment. From how I look after myself, what I eat to what I do as well as how I act, talk and present myself will all be gradually changed. I've already made two small changes. But, I don't want to tell you what, in this post. You'll have to wait for the second part!

These changes have had to wait until now, as I wanted to celebrate my last birthday as me 1.0 It is a poignant moment for me, knowing that this time next year, I will not be the same person. I will be on my way to being who I want to be and who I should be. Life will be different and relationships will be different. Some relationships have already changed and many more will follow. For better or for worse, I honestly cannot tell at present.

There are lots of things spinning around my head at the moment. Lots of things have happened, some of which I cannot divulge in this blog. Lets just say one of my fantasies has been enacted recently and.......(gazes wistfully into the distance).........that was a big turning point. It's not naughty or dirty, just intimate. More updates to come in the second part of the new year post. I'll let you have a few days to digest this one before I put up the next one.

It's getting more interesting and all is moving forward.........xxxx

A complete curve ball  - I have two posts planned to explain a). my absence from the blog and b). what has happened in the intervening period. However, I feel I must put up this short post today to share my feelings regarding the film 'The Danish Girl'.

It's a film I have wanted to see, given my current situation. I am lucky enough to have a very nice, independent (and cheap!) cinema showing it locally and at the idea of a friend, knowing I am on a weeks holiday, suggested we go and see it. The perfect opportunity. After purchasing our tickets and suitable refreshment (alcohol before 5pm, unheard of for me!), we took our seats.

Now, I know that the film isn't strictly faithful to the actual events - it is based on the book and the book has taken artistic license. To me, the film contains many scenarios to which I can relate to during my struggles with my alter ego. I found myself sympathising with the lead character, Lili Elbe watching the internal struggle to maintain an outward persona to those around her as a male when inside there is the real person trying to break free. The clandestine dressing up, the compulsion to mimic the gender you want to be, so as to appear as your actual gender.

I came out of the film with a refreshed mind as to the way forward from this week. The blurring of the lines between me 1.0 and me 2.0 and how I can achieve that in my day to day life. There are still many things I have to do to achieve my ultimate goal  - it's not just the hormones or surgery; it's all the little things that have to be looked at as well. How you move, hold yourself, what you say and how you say it. Skincare, haircare, eating habits....the list is long and varied.

After my birthday - me 1.0's last hurrah - life will change once and for all. Me 2.0 will be the norm when invited out (wherever possible) unless me 1.0 is specifically asked. I'm having my ears pierced, growing my hair and taking better care of myself. I will practice and start to hold myself better, practice vocally so as not to sound as male and start to enhance my body through exercise and diet.

It will be very hard for some people to deal with these changes - namely my family - and I realise that they will be losing a son/brother/uncle who has been around for 39 years. All I can say is that the same person is still there, the same thoughts, feelings and memories. The vessel will be different -just in it's true form, the one currently inside me with those same thoughts, feelings and memories.

Thank you Lili Elbe - your story has inspired me to go forward with confidence and courage. Your story will stay with me for ever. x

Attention. Any member of my family attempting to read this post, please return to your home page. The contents of the post are a snapshot of my life and how I live my life. All thoughts and feelings are my own and any information that could link this post to any of you in any way has been negated. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Another week from hell? You betcha! So, I've had family problems, we all know that. This week, it has reached the lowest point. I have basically been disowned by my family. This is due to a combination of my decision, the timing of the announcement and the opening up of old wounds that, perhaps, should have been left well alone. I'm not going to shirk my share of the blame for the last part, or the timing of the announcement, but no one else is innocent. 

Through this blog, you only get my perspective of the issues involved. In my mind and wherever possible, I try to get both sides of the story to make an informed decision. This will be difficult for 100% of the readers of this blog as you do not know my family and probably never will. How you view the events, thoughts, feelings and general shenanigans of this blog is up to you. It's a snapshot of me, my life and how I see things. Nothing more, nothing less.

So, what now? Given my feelings of loneliness recently, this is a major setback. It hasn't affected my decision and it will make it easier in some respects. However, the lack of family support does hurt. I know I've had two years to get to this point, whereas they have only had a couple of months. I'm hoping that, given time, they will come round and if not be a major part of my life again, at least be there for me. I'm not going close the door. It will always be open.

Now time for some more upbeat news and events. I had a letter from the Gender Identity Clinic (GIC), inviting me to a new patient workshop. This workshop aims to give the attendees information so we can be as prepared as possible and have progressed as much as we can before our first appointment. First question - can I get the day off of work without alerting my employer? Luckily I had one day of holiday left, so it was duly booked. So I sent the attendance form back and will now wait for the workshop. Things are beginning to move forward, albeit very, very slowly. 

I have also been asked to be a member of the local NHS (National Health Service) Partnership Trust. I'm presuming that this is to add to their cross-section of the community and another box ticked. (Perhaps I am being too cynical?) In any case, it will allow me to have a say on certain issues in the community, mainly mental health ones. We'll see.

What does this week hold? Crimbo shopping, the free meal & drinks owed from the local bar with the dodgy door staff, Games night, some minor religious festival and a birthday party. Busy, busy, busy...........!!

Not much from me this time. However, I have had good evening out and I have gained a few more board games out of it! The Secret Santa Soiree. I had to work the morning of the do, so couldn't have a relaxing morning to chill out. I had intended to get some stuff ready the night before, but me 1,0 was having family issues so wasn't really in the mood. So, after work, battle commenced. A couple of hours later, this vision emerged......ME! It's getting easier to get ready now, I have a routine which at the moment, seems to run very well. There is still time to be saved, but until hormonal changes occur, I can only do what I can do.

I was ready, but earlier than I thought. An hour earlier than I thought. Um.......what could I do for an hour? Play dress up! So I tried a few outfit combinations and a couple of the wigs I haven't worn in a while and had a bit of fun. after about 4 outfits, I got ready to go again. I was going to get the train as the venue was near a train station, in a local town. I got my heels on and walked to the station. Another 30 minutes in heels. All good practice and now I have calves of steel! Shock horror, I walked through the local town again and got on a train. A busy train. 

It was only two stops long and off I got. Through the busy station and onto my destination, which this year I found without too much trouble. I was the first one there. I was slightly nervous as I hadn't met some of the people who were going. The friends who had arranged the night have been really supportive. In fact, one of the phrases used by one of the friends has stuck with me and I used it when I saw the Mental Health doctor recently. It still resonates with me now and it is true. 

A glass of wine was appropriated, rose of course and I started to relax. Once everyone else arrived, I felt fine and natural. We played games, one of which I am going to have to buy, ate some fabulous food, had a few drinks and the purpose of the evening, Secret Santa. Given the situation, there wasn't any time to hand out names, so we were asked to buy a present, up to a certain value, that we could give anyone. I'd bought a Yodelling Flamingo - which went down very well. I got a set of 6 board games, in a wooden box and a game of charades, which, given the time of year, will come in very handy! 

Then, before we knew it, it was time to go home. I'd had an excellent time, felt relaxed and thoroughly enjoyed myself. I was offered a lift back with another close friend and his girlfriend -which I was grateful for as I didn't fancy a long walk which either form of public transport would have given me! Once home, it was time for the pumpkin, aka me 1.0 to reappear. Well, me 1.0 is a bit round and orange..............! xx

Cheeky mare! Round, perhaps, Orange? Milky white normally, even in the height of summer. Another week beckons. A better week? Who knows. Only time will tell. 

I think, in the back of my mind, the situation with my family might be affecting me. Who am I kidding, it's affecting me big time. Now, I'm not a big fan of this time of year. Bad things generally happen to me in December and this year is no different (except it happened in November and has impacted on December). I have no Christmas spirit left. I am devoid of any cheer and I can't wait for new year. 

I know there are others in the world who are worse off than me. I am physically OK, have a stable job and a place to live. Mentally......well, let's move on. I have friends who have physical conditions that either require surgery, hospital visits, doctors appointments or just medication to keep going. They suffer with pain if not daily, on a regular basis. My only physical problems cause my mental problems. I can't imagine what these people go through on a regular basis and I am in awe of the mental strength they possess. You know who you are and I would help you in any way I can. You just need to ask. :)

I must also admit that I am jealous, as most have a partner to support them through their bad times. I have been feeling lonely recently, especially with the family problems. My friends are great and are really supportive and I wouldn't change them for anything, but I do feel like I am becoming a burden sometimes and feel guilty for going on about my problems. This is where the jealousy comes in, as I have no one to offload onto when I get home.

Given the time of year with families getting together, being with loved ones and being full of festive cheer, you can see why I'm not feeling it. I'm facing the fact that I probably won't be in a serious relationship for quite a few years yet and that when I finally start dating again, it won't be easy. Far from it. I am lonely. I want someone to cuddle up to and make the world go away, to hold me and tell me everything is going to be fine. Instead, it's usually me, a cup of tea and insomnia from the thoughts cascading through my mind every night.

I keep saying to myself that next year will be different. Things are going to get better. I will be the real me. I hope it will be better. 2016 is the real year of change. It's up to me. Only I can change things, can't I? 

Things have been, um, quiet recently. Where have I been recently? Well, Christmas dinner last Sunday. I had been invited to Christmas dinner at a restaurant in the local town. This would be a real test for me, as I would be going into town, in daylight, on a Sunday afternoon. Scared - maybe a little, but not much. Scared of being seen by someone I knew? Nope. Scared of falling over in my heels? Yep!

So, after beautifying myself - a task in itself - and spending a few, let's say minutes choosing my outfit, I was ready. I was going to walk into town as It's not too far. I did get a few looks but whether they were good or bad I didn't notice. I didn't really care(unless they were good!). The restaurant was fairly busy when we arrived and got progressively busier throughout the afternoon. It was a nice intimate group of people to spend some quality time with. Some very close friends and a couple I hadn't really met before. The conversation flowed as did the wine and the whole meal was a very pleasant way to spend a Sunday afternoon. The food was good as well!

We stayed about 2 and a half hours in total. It just flew by. Then I had to face the walk back through town. OMG! It was just the same as walking into town. Uneventful. Then it was back to normality and the rest of the day was spent on housework. Boo!

So then we roll forward to Tuesday. A day off. I had booked a makeup lesson at MAC in my local city. My very good shopping friend had suggested it a long time ago and as she had a day off, we decided that I should book one for that day. I had asked to go over the basics, like foundation, concealer and contouring. I decided to try a different look; a combination of me 1.0 and me 2.0. I can't go around wearing wigs and lots of padding all the time, so it was more of an androgynous look.

Skinny jeans (with the special underwear and lightly padded panties), a long sleeve top with a push up bra, hairband and fitted jacket. No make up. I was more nervous about going out without the mask of makeup and a wig, than going out in full me 2.0 mode. I was more recognisable, I suppose. Deep breath taken and out into the world I went. I met my friend on the bus and off to the local city we did travel.

We started just mooching about and it became apparent that neither of us were into shopping. We drifted into some shops and were pretty uninspired. So off to MAC we went. We were slightly early, so we had a walk around the shop and spent, mentally, lots of money. Luckily, we started the lesson early. The teacher was very good. She asked a load of questions which I answered and she chose the products she thought were appropriate. She explained what each product did, how it was applied and why she'd chosen it. The 30 min lesson turned into about 45 mins in total and I ended up with a very natural look, which was my aim. It felt light, but covered all the areas it needed to and it definitely gave me lots to think about and lots I want to buy!

It was worth it and I will probably go back for lessons on the eyes in the new year. It's all part of my learning curve and I will be putting the lessons into practice soon. We were both hungry after the lesson, so we went for food and alcohol. We decided to have one last push and at least buy something. I bought my secret Santa prezzie, my Christmas jumper and some socks, so it wasn't totally wasted! We'd had enough by then, so we headed back to my friends for tea. I was a bit disappointed that I didn't get much crimbo shopping done, but I have bought some online since. After a well earned cuppa, I headed back home and defrocked back into humdrum world.

I have a secret Santa soiree this weekend, which I am really looking forward to. It will be good to see some people who I haven't seen for a while, but have been very supportive and are an inspiration. A well needed catch up. Details next week! xx

There is also the issue of a family event this weekend. I have had to cancel an event with friends for it - hopefully it will be worth it. We'll see. If it helps the cause - so be it. If not, I can't see things getting better anytime soon. It may be their last chance to see me as I am now. Next year will see a lot of physical changes and I probably won't look the same this time next year. It hurts me that this may be the case, but it does make the process easier. I may sound harsh when I say that, but it's the truth. It's hard on all of us.