I think, in the back of my mind, the situation with my family might be affecting me. Who am I kidding, it's affecting me big time. Now, I'm not a big fan of this time of year. Bad things generally happen to me in December and this year is no different (except it happened in November and has impacted on December). I have no Christmas spirit left. I am devoid of any cheer and I can't wait for new year. 

I know there are others in the world who are worse off than me. I am physically OK, have a stable job and a place to live. Mentally......well, let's move on. I have friends who have physical conditions that either require surgery, hospital visits, doctors appointments or just medication to keep going. They suffer with pain if not daily, on a regular basis. My only physical problems cause my mental problems. I can't imagine what these people go through on a regular basis and I am in awe of the mental strength they possess. You know who you are and I would help you in any way I can. You just need to ask. :)

I must also admit that I am jealous, as most have a partner to support them through their bad times. I have been feeling lonely recently, especially with the family problems. My friends are great and are really supportive and I wouldn't change them for anything, but I do feel like I am becoming a burden sometimes and feel guilty for going on about my problems. This is where the jealousy comes in, as I have no one to offload onto when I get home.

Given the time of year with families getting together, being with loved ones and being full of festive cheer, you can see why I'm not feeling it. I'm facing the fact that I probably won't be in a serious relationship for quite a few years yet and that when I finally start dating again, it won't be easy. Far from it. I am lonely. I want someone to cuddle up to and make the world go away, to hold me and tell me everything is going to be fine. Instead, it's usually me, a cup of tea and insomnia from the thoughts cascading through my mind every night.

I keep saying to myself that next year will be different. Things are going to get better. I will be the real me. I hope it will be better. 2016 is the real year of change. It's up to me. Only I can change things, can't I? 

Things have been, um, quiet recently. Where have I been recently? Well, Christmas dinner last Sunday. I had been invited to Christmas dinner at a restaurant in the local town. This would be a real test for me, as I would be going into town, in daylight, on a Sunday afternoon. Scared - maybe a little, but not much. Scared of being seen by someone I knew? Nope. Scared of falling over in my heels? Yep!

So, after beautifying myself - a task in itself - and spending a few, let's say minutes choosing my outfit, I was ready. I was going to walk into town as It's not too far. I did get a few looks but whether they were good or bad I didn't notice. I didn't really care(unless they were good!). The restaurant was fairly busy when we arrived and got progressively busier throughout the afternoon. It was a nice intimate group of people to spend some quality time with. Some very close friends and a couple I hadn't really met before. The conversation flowed as did the wine and the whole meal was a very pleasant way to spend a Sunday afternoon. The food was good as well!

We stayed about 2 and a half hours in total. It just flew by. Then I had to face the walk back through town. OMG! It was just the same as walking into town. Uneventful. Then it was back to normality and the rest of the day was spent on housework. Boo!

So then we roll forward to Tuesday. A day off. I had booked a makeup lesson at MAC in my local city. My very good shopping friend had suggested it a long time ago and as she had a day off, we decided that I should book one for that day. I had asked to go over the basics, like foundation, concealer and contouring. I decided to try a different look; a combination of me 1.0 and me 2.0. I can't go around wearing wigs and lots of padding all the time, so it was more of an androgynous look.

Skinny jeans (with the special underwear and lightly padded panties), a long sleeve top with a push up bra, hairband and fitted jacket. No make up. I was more nervous about going out without the mask of makeup and a wig, than going out in full me 2.0 mode. I was more recognisable, I suppose. Deep breath taken and out into the world I went. I met my friend on the bus and off to the local city we did travel.

We started just mooching about and it became apparent that neither of us were into shopping. We drifted into some shops and were pretty uninspired. So off to MAC we went. We were slightly early, so we had a walk around the shop and spent, mentally, lots of money. Luckily, we started the lesson early. The teacher was very good. She asked a load of questions which I answered and she chose the products she thought were appropriate. She explained what each product did, how it was applied and why she'd chosen it. The 30 min lesson turned into about 45 mins in total and I ended up with a very natural look, which was my aim. It felt light, but covered all the areas it needed to and it definitely gave me lots to think about and lots I want to buy!

It was worth it and I will probably go back for lessons on the eyes in the new year. It's all part of my learning curve and I will be putting the lessons into practice soon. We were both hungry after the lesson, so we went for food and alcohol. We decided to have one last push and at least buy something. I bought my secret Santa prezzie, my Christmas jumper and some socks, so it wasn't totally wasted! We'd had enough by then, so we headed back to my friends for tea. I was a bit disappointed that I didn't get much crimbo shopping done, but I have bought some online since. After a well earned cuppa, I headed back home and defrocked back into humdrum world.

I have a secret Santa soiree this weekend, which I am really looking forward to. It will be good to see some people who I haven't seen for a while, but have been very supportive and are an inspiration. A well needed catch up. Details next week! xx

There is also the issue of a family event this weekend. I have had to cancel an event with friends for it - hopefully it will be worth it. We'll see. If it helps the cause - so be it. If not, I can't see things getting better anytime soon. It may be their last chance to see me as I am now. Next year will see a lot of physical changes and I probably won't look the same this time next year. It hurts me that this may be the case, but it does make the process easier. I may sound harsh when I say that, but it's the truth. It's hard on all of us.