Dear Mum,

As I can't talk directly to you and as I know you've found this blog, I wanted to hopefully explain to you about my blog, how the posts have come about and to go over the events of my week off, of which I seem to have caused a great deal of upset and anger.

So, to start, the blog. The blog is a snapshot of the thoughts, hopes, dreams and events at a given time, on a given day. It is a way for me to convey how I'm feeling and what I've been up to, to my friends and to clear my mind so that the issues don't keep me awake at night. A lot of my sleep problems revolve around my gender issues. My release is this blog. People are welcome to comment on this blog, provided it's not abusive, defamatory, transphobic or any other major negative. If you don't agree with the blog, at least have a reasoned argument and an open mind and it can be discussed. You will notice that, other than London, no place names or people are named on this blog. It is completely anonymous. A lot of things are said in jest. People are just looking out for me - with the reference to my friends parents adopting me. It was said tongue in cheek. I have a family of my own.

As for my week off, yes, I had a girly day out on the Tuesday. I also had lunch Monday, went shopping on the Thursday and had a spa treatment on Friday. As for your birthday, I thought lunch, just you and me would be nice. If you weren't happy with the location, you should have said. Yes, perhaps I should have got you another present and I am sorry if you feel that the venue and lack of present showed little thought on my part. As for telling you my decision to tell you about my gender dysphoria, I have to say that you are to blame for that one. You asked if I was OK. I said yes. You then asked again, with an 'are you really?' context. If I'd have said yes, what would you have said? Would you have pushed it again? You knew something was up with me and it was the only chance for me to see you on your own without my stepdad present.

I didn't want to tell you on your birthday, but the situation you put me in gave me no option. So, for that, I'm not sorry as I have nothing to be sorry for. I understand that the combination of your birthday, learning that your oldest child feels uncomfortable in their own body and has decided for their own peace of mind to seek help in rectify that and your perception of the contents of my blog have upset you. Talk to me. We are both grown adults and can hopefully have a proper conversation without any anger or name calling. 

I understand that it is a huge shock to you and that you may have problems with dealing with it. Please respect my decision, even if you don't accept it. I don't want to live a lie any longer. I just want to be me. I want you on my journey. You are my mum, my only parent and I love you. I have friends whose parents are dying and might not have much time left. I've already lost a father as he couldn't be bothered with me or my sister - I don't want us to go through the rest of our lives not speaking to each other. Life is short and life is precious. Please don't waste it.

I'm not sorry for living my life my way. I'm not sorry for being me. Since my divorce, I decided that for the first time since my early teens, that I need to look after myself for once. I have spent years looking out for other people - you after your divorce, my ex wife with her medical problems, all of my employers to try and gain respect and promotion, at the detriment of me. For the first time in my adult life, I am looking after me. I still look out for others - my family, friends and colleagues, but I need to focus on me and my issues. This issue was the final one to deal with and I have dealt with it. 

It was very hurtful to be called a tightwad, drama queen, narcissistic, and self obsessed. No doubt you will class this blog post as at least three of those words. Maybe it is? Or maybe you need to look at yourself? As for being a tightwad, well, yes, I have always been careful with money. I don't like being in debt and have a fear of not having enough money to live. This stems from working 23 hours a week part time and then only having £60 a month to myself for going out, clothes, savings etc. I had no choice but to be careful with money. I'm proud of the fact that I've managed to fend for myself since the mid 1990's without borrowing from my family. Even with the money you've lent me now, you offered. I would have got a bank loan. Please don't open the box of my past. I have put a lot behind me and don't wish to revisit that part of my life. I want to move forward.

I hope you read this and can think rationally and calmly about its contents. I need as much support as I can through this process and you know that I will always support you wherever I can. Please don't let this be the end of the road for our relationship. We've been through a lot together as a family and I thought our bonds were stronger than ever. 

You know how to contact me when you are ready.

All my love,
Dx