Feeling very deflated this evening. After the initial euphoria of telling my mum last week about my Gender Dysphoria, the first major negative has reared it's ugly head. Let me explain. After work, I decided to visit my mum, just to say hello and catch up. A soon as she opened the door, I realised that I was, for want of a better phrase, 'Persona non grata'. The welcome was decidedly frosty. I asked if she was alright and received a very curt 'Yes'. I'd taken up an information pack for her to read and I handed it to her. It was snatched away and put somewhere.

I think the enormity of the situation as sunk in. I think she's in the 'Anger' stage. Whatever I said, there was a sarcastic reply given. I was chatting to my stepdad and if I made a comment about something, there was the sarcasm. After about an hour of this, I'd had enough, made my excuses and left. The door was slammed shut behind me.

Now, I know that this is only the start of, and the first real negativity that I WILL experience. The trouble is, when it comes from your own family, it's harder to deal with. I know she will be going through the stages of grief - Shock, Guilt, Pain, Anger etc and I realise that it may take time for her to accept that this is my decision, even if she doesn't accept that it is happening or accepts me as I am. I haven't spoken to my sister yet, so I have no idea how she's feeling. 

I keep telling myself that I'm strong enough to cope with the adverse reactions that I will come across and I probably am. However, when it actually happens, it's still a big body blow and I am hurting. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and tell myself that it's all going to be OK. I didn't see my family for a long time due to circumstances and I don't want to lose them again. I have the most amazing friends who I know will always be there for me and some of their parents will adopt me if my family do disown me, but it still hurts and I really want their acceptance.

I can't help the way I feel and I don't want to live a lie any longer. Yes, I may become selfish over the next few years, but that will be due to issues like this. I have to look after number one. Society will place obstacles in my way, people will try to make my life difficult and my own body will create it's own issues. I will become determined. My friends all know that I will always be there for them, whatever is happening and essentially I will be the same person inside. The vessel will be more coherent with my mind, but my ideals, likes, loves, feelings will all be the same. I still hurt in the same way, the same way my mum is probably hurting now. My love for my family won't change. I will still be a child, sibling, cousin, Human Being. 

I'll give it another week and try again. I'll pick myself up and carry on, but it'll be in the back of my mind. Apologies to my friends if I am a little subdued or don't feel like going out. I may need a little me time. And perhaps a glass of wine/beer/cup of tea. And chocolate, definitely chocolate. xxxx