The show must go on as they say, so normal service will be resumed. It's been a week of more downs than ups as you may have guessed if you read this blog on a regular basis. I have been hurting and I am very angry. The names I have been called have hurt and got me questioning whether I am some of those things. Am I too narcissistic? Am I a drama queen? Am I self obsessed? Am I a tightwad? I am questioning everything I say to people now, checking I'm not turning everything back to me. I'm paranoid that I don't spend enough on people now. Is this post too self obsessed? People don't realise how certain words can set off a chain of events that can affect people's everyday life.

Right, that's my (sort of) rant over. Life's too short and life goes on. Harsh, I know, but then that's the narcissist in me! So, before it all kicked off I was supposed to be going to a firework display with my family. Can you guess what happened? Of course, I was advised not to go. Luckily, after meeting with a close friend on Monday to put the world to rights over a few alcoholic beverages, an invite to a pub gig in a local county town was offered should the firework invite be rescinded.

At this point, I must also say a big thank you to everyone who has commented, posted on Facebook, listened to me, talked things over with me and generally kept me from brooding on the situation with dinner or drinks. It shows the depth of support that I have from my friends and their families. I love you all!!

At this point, I'm going to take over. The day after all this drama kicked off, Two of my good married friends basically said that we should go out and have a few quiet drinkies in the local city. So, after dolling myself up (mainly to make me feel better and to stick it to the world), we met up in the city and went for a drink and some food in a newly opened bar.It was very busy when we got there and although I didn't really think about it when we got there, there was something about the security staff that wasn't right. 

Everytime the security staff walked past us, we were stared at. Even when we eventually got one of the booths to sit in, we were stared at. Personally, if anyone has a problem with me being me, that's their problem. I'm being true to me and in that respect that's all that matters. We ordered more drinks and some food. We ate and drank, but due to the amount of people and the DJ, it was becoming increasingly harder to talk to each other. We decided to leave and go to a new bar in another town, about 10 miles away. 

That's when it all kicked off. Me and the husband (not mine!) left the booth and waited for his wife to catch up with us. As she was getting up to leave the booth, the security person barked at her to move but didn't leave her any room to move. As she eventually got out, someone going into the booth elbowed her in the back. Let's just say that, due to this and the general attitude of the security staff, the bar have offered us free food and drink and the security staff no longer work for them.

Fair dues to my friend. She works in retail and it is very stressful in the run up to Christmas. It was the last thing she needed that night and I think it just tipped her over the edge. We got the bus along the coast and went into a new bar they've found. Now, I've never been out in this town before and it can be a bit conservative. Given my general mood, I really didn't care. That, and the strong beer I'd already drunk! We went in and we had some more drinks and luckily, no drama. It was pretty uneventful. We got the bus home and I faded into the background again.

Now fast forward seven days. Friday night and the pub gig. Me 1.0 had managed to finish work early which gave me plenty of time to chill and get ready. A nice relaxing bath, a spot of beautification, a bit of slap and a few extras and I was ready. Now, I had the option of getting the bus to the train station or a 40 minute walk in heels. So, I chose the walk. My reasoning? I don't wear heels enough and I need to get some more practice. Little did I know how much punishment my feet would take through that evening!

This also meant that I had to walk through my local town, mid evening. With the mood I was still in, I didn't care. I felt right and if anyone wanted to stare, let them. The fact that I had three cars sound their horn at me whilst walking along only added to my confidence. Through the town I walked and then up to the station. Only, my train had been delayed. Typical. I sat down and waited. And waited. Eventually it pulled in and I got on. My friends met me a couple of stops up and we travelled in together. Once at the other end, my feet took another pounding. Walking uphill. I coped! We arrived at the pub and got our drinks. Once the music started we were on our feet, dancing and the music compelled us to stamp our feet. A lot. Quite a lot in fact! So much that my feet did hurt after about an hour and a half of stomping.

I didn't notice if anyone was looking at me. I was enjoying the music and the company. It was great fun and just what I needed. By the time the encore was over, we had just under ten minutes to catch our train. Our walk was about ten minutes. In normal shoes. I ran as fast as my feet could carry me and we missed the train by about 20 seconds. However, as the train times were all over the place we luckily didn't have to wait long for another. This meant that we had to change trains twice. As we were all getting off at different stations en route, we had to split at the second change. The friends I met originally got a taxi back as the next train to their station was going to be a while, whilst the third friend who had joined us waited with me whilst I waited. The perfect gentleman! We were chatting and the conversation turned quite deep and meaningful. 

Now, I know that this friend has had and may still have, and I don't want to say issues, but reservations about the decision I have made and the alter ego I have. He has been incredibly supportive of me in his way. I really respect his opinion and it is good to have a devil's advocate to balance the views of the situation. We don't see each other that often, but it is good to talk when we do. I won't reveal the contents of the conversation, but a big thank you to him.

He departed the train at the next station, leaving me to travel onward alone. Which was pretty uneventful until I had to leave the train and walk to the bus stop. I truly understand how frightening it can be for lone females walking at night. I had a taxi driver drive past me at least 3 times, very slowly and then drive off and a man who kept walking past on the other side of the road at least twice, staring intently at me. I was glad when the bus arrived. On I got and to home I did go. My feet were on fire by this point and I was very tired. I'd had a brilliant evening in very good company and I was sad it had come to an end. I will be out again soon, you can be sure of that!!

There you have it. A mixed bag and lots for me to think about and digest. Things will be different now and I'm planning what changes I can do to make my transition easier and quicker prior to my appointment. Whatever happens, I'm resolute in my decision and my determination is stronger than ever. Keep smiling!! xxxx