It has been an eventful time since my last blog. Lots of things happening, lots of things to do. A fairly busy week this week, even though I am on holiday. People to see and places to be, or is that people to be and places to see............

The reason for a weeks holiday is the fact that it is my XX birthday (number withheld for your safety). I had a full week to take before the end of March and it seemed as good a time as any. It is a good job I am off this week as the whole moving situation has taken off this week. Had one viewing so far and liked the flat, so me and my friend agreed to take it. It is now up to the landlord to decide between us and another couple of people. Hopefully we will find out tomorrow. It is the perfect location for both of us - right on the beach and overlooking the sea. Perfection!

I have just spent my third weekend out on the trot. Drinks and a film at a friends a couple of weekends ago, Go-Karting and clubbing last weekend and a Monty Python marathon and curry this weekend. I am now poor until I get paid on Wednesday due to this plethora of socialising! Hey, I have enjoyed every minute of it. It has been totally worth it!

Tuesday. Another visit from her. A new look as well. Shoulder length curly blonde hair. I personally think it is a good look for her. No one else has given her an opinion yet. I think she wants to see what people think next weekend. She may be going to a mutual friends birthday drinks,but she is not sure yet. I am hoping her days of indecision are coming to an end. She really needs to get out and show herself to the world - in daylight anyway!

Even work is going OK. Had a good performance review, had some good feedback from other managers and I am missed from my old place of work. Must be doing something right. It is just a shame that the one person who can help my career is about as useful as a chocolate teapot.  I cannot really do any more to prove that I am capable of doing above and beyond the scope of my job roll. Ho Hum!

This will also be a good week for me to work on my gender conundrum. I have amassed a great deal of information to digest and a lot of questions to ask myself. I have had a lot of feedback from my friends - some positive and some negative. I have taken everything on board and hopefully I can clear the path ahead of me further. I will let you know how I fair later in the week.

I may have mentioned in my last blog that I had been moaned at for not blogging enough. I accept that the good friend who made the remark was only concerned about me and it was not a pointed remark. I hope they will accept my sincere apologies. I also must offer congratulations to a good friend of mine on the birth of her baby boy. A few weeks late and larger than anticipated, but both are doing well.

I am writing this whilst having two facebook conversations and one text message conversation. This sentence has so far taken me five minutes to write. This post will probably take me about two hours at this rate!! Last night was just as bad - three email conversations! At least it keeps me occupied and not watching the T.V.....

Resolutions...I am eating healthier, putting the past behind me and still working on who I want to be. With regard to the last one, I went to the gender group for the first time this year. As I have not been since November, I was a bit apprehensive about going. I knew I had to make the effort to go, as it is part of the process. Over Christmas, all I had was the flip side of the argument. Now it is time to broaden the argument again.

The feeling of isolation may also be coming to an end. The living situation will hopefully be progressing soon. The wheels are finally turning and there is now a light at the end of that particular tunnel. I feel lots of viewings coming up!

I went to my doctors last week and mentioned getting the wheels of transition started now. I have been told that the process is basically down to when they feel I am ready to be put forward to the psychiatrist. From that point, it usually takes about a year for the appointment to come through. So, if and when I decide to transition, I will have to wait even longer to start the process. I suppose I have waited 30+ years so a few more will not hurt.

I have been fairly busy socially, which has helped. Quizzes, take aways, Cake days (yum, yum!) and visiting family have kept me active. Go karting and birthday drinks this weekend and a curry on Monday are all being looked forward to. Just need to save my pennies now!

She really wanted to go out on Tuesday, but she felt that she wouldn't be accepted by the general public. She really wants to go out at some point this month - hopefully the opportunity will arise soon. Maybe next Tuesday - if she can muster up the courage to. I hope she will be around before next week. She needs to come out more.

It has taken me about an hour to write all this. I think it is time for a well earned cup of tea and then sort out the washing up. What an exciting life I lead!!

So, this is the first blog entry of the 2014. I know it has been a few days since my last blog entry and for that, I am sorry.

My last entry stated my resolutions. It is only 10 days into the new year, but I can say that so far I am just about following them. I am eating healthier and watching what I eat; I am trying to put the past behind me with regard to my marriage and I am still working on who I want to be. I am starting to feel like all three are interlinked and will ultimately determine my future. Only I can see to that.

With regard to everyday life, so far, it has been OK. I had a very enjoyable New Years Eve with some good friends, felt a little unwell, physically, for the first couple of days of 2014, been out a few times for drinks with friends, taken part in a pub quiz(which we won!!) and generally mooching about. Nothing out of the ordinary. Mentally, I am in a good place at the moment. Glad that Christmas and New year are out of the way and the promise of a new start for 2014. However, I am still taking it one day at a time. 

She finally came back round this week. I have not seen her since November. Tuesday was my day off and she invited herself round. I was good to see her again and it really helped my mood. She wants to go out more this year and I really hope she does. I think at least once a month if not more. I will be pleased if she comes round more often - invited or not!!

I have been moaned at for not blogging enough, so I will endeavour to blog more frequently. I expect as the changes to my life increase, so will the blogging. We will see this time next year if the changes are major or minor. I am going for major............

It is that time of year when people start to think about their New Year Resolutions. I usually make some, but, like most people, break them very quickly. I thought that 2014 might be different. Given the issues that I have and the time frame relating to those issues, I think a major overhaul of my life is in order and a couple of decent resolutions will help.

So, here are my resolutions for 2014:
Lose weight and become healthier. As I advance in age, I can feel the worries of the world taking it's toll. Time to start cutting out the pasties/pies/chocolate/crisps/convenience food that has become my staple diet and time to start moving my quietly growing belly and do some proper physical exercise. This is also a starting point should I want to transition - getting my body and mind in the best shape possible for any major changes.
Forget the past. I have been dwelling too much on the past recently. I am still hurting over my divorce - the situation surrounding it, my upbringing, my general lot in life. The counselling will help with that. Time to cut some of my ties with the past, be it people, places, possessions. 
Be who I want to be. The biggie. This is the year for deciding who I am and whom I want to be. The gender group and the counselling combined should help with this one. I was leaning to one side but after the festive period, the scales have evened up a little. I have also decided, with regard to this one, to dress more often as my alter ego, go out more often as my alter ego and later on in the year, try and live for a day or two as my alter ego. I also want to act more as the person who occupies my head - not what society dictates.

So, three little resolutions to implement next year. Should not be too difficult. Much.

Christmas. Christmas, Christmas, Christmas. I was not looking forward to it and now I am glad it is over. I did not put my decorations up, I did not do any extra food shopping and did most of my present shopping at the last minute. To be honest, I am glad it is over. I will be even better when 2013 is over.

I have had a good Christmas with my family and close friends - I just have bad memories of this time of year. Each year is getting better, but at present I just cannot get into the swing of it. I want to enjoy the season, I just cannot get into the spirit without anyone special to share it with. As a single person, it is a very lonely time of year, especially if you have no one to go to or come to you. I was lucky to be able to spend it with my family, many people are not.

Spending time with my family has got me thinking about my gender confusion. Some of the comments that have been said and the questions asked of me have given me even more to think about. I feel that it will be even harder to explain to my family now, should I decide to transition. The comments of 'This time next year you can bring your girlfriend' or 'Times getting on for you, isn't it' are not what I wanted to hear.

All I can hope for is a better 2014, not only for me but some of my friends as well. 2013 has not been a good year for me. Definitely a year to forget. 

I went out for a drink (well a cola as I was driving) with a close friend last night. In our own ways, we have both had a difficult couple of days. Mine is still my mental fragility, my friends is physically which is affecting her mentally. We chatted about our problems, how we are feeling and where our problems are coming from. Then my friend said something about this blog which got me thinking.....

This blog is intended to help me empty my mind of any thoughts that are affecting my life and sleep. Usually this means that the blog is full of frustration, negative thoughts and sadness. It is a reflection of my mental state at that time. My friend suggested that I start to write about some more positive aspects of my life. Start to include the good points as well as the bad ones. This would give me and the readers of this blog a more balanced view of the progress I am making through my issues and the (hopefully) more positive outcomes in the future. I am at the beginning of a long journey - I will have good days and I will have bad days.

So.....one piece of good news, is the phone call confirming my face to face counselling session. It is not until February, but at least I have a confirmed start date now. That is now another positive step in my progression forward. I have also decided on the changes I am going to make in the new year. I intend to lose weight and tone up, grow my hair, dress more as my alter ego - at home and when going out and increase my savings. These will all help me should I decide to transition. I have to change my mindset and I see this as a good way of achieving this.

The next few weeks will be hard to get through as Christmas is not the happiest time of year for me. I am trying to stay positive. I am wondering whether to put my decorations up or not. Only I am going to see them. It may make me feel better, it may not. Only time will tell. 

I am having trouble with my mind. It is up to it's old tricks again. It keeps going over the same subjects again and again. It is starting to affect my sleep again - waking up before the alarm and going over things again and again. There are two main subjects this time. One is wanting to cause my ex and the perpetrators of the divorce untold harm and the other is transitioning to female and being in a loving relationship. I have a long way to go before I may reach that stage regarding the transitioning, but the causing untold harm I will be able to deal with sooner. 

My physical health is a concern as well as my mental health at the moment. It is a catch 22 situation. One affects the other which affects the other. Round and round and round we go. I have had a bad bout of food poisoning, a bad head cold and general malaise. This has affected my mental health by me not wanting to socialise much and wanting to stay in. (I am supposed to be at a party tonight, but I am just not in the party mood). In the mornings I feel sick and dizzy and when I get home all I want to do is curl up in a ball and leave the world behind. Some days are better than others. Today is a mediocre day. 

I have been researching transitioning recently and getting an idea of what is involved and the initial steps I have to take. The road to transitioning is a long one - it could and probably will take many years, a lot of heartache and a lot of money. So, I have decided in the new year to make a few changes which will help me should I eventually decide to transition. These will also help me to improve my mental and physical health as well as providing a basis for any future changes. My mental health is going to come under a heavy burden should I transition. I have to be prepared for rejection - from friends and family, abuse - both verbal and physical, elation, hormonal changes, physical changes from being male to female and the challenge of transitioning in the workplace. My workplace has a high percentage of male customers and staff, some of whom will be OK and will accept and some of which I expect will not be able to accept it. Currently, I am in no fit state to cope with any of that, let alone make a coherent decision on transitioning.

I am hoping 2014 will be the year that I finally find out who I want to be, a year for improving my mental health and finally moving on from my past. I have a long road ahead of me to achieve that. It cannot be any worse than the last two years have been. I just want to feel loved again, held again and needed. Is that too much to ask?