As it as been a few weeks since my last post, I thought I had better update the loyal band of followers as to my current well being.
Well, really, I have just been bumbling along. Working, been out a few times, housework - the usual monotonous but essential stuff. Had a bit of a blip at work, when they wanted me to train the person bought in above my head to do their job. So, I am not good enough to do the job, but I am good enough to train them. Funnily enough, I said no. I did not think it was appropriate to put me in that situation, considering this is the second time in six months it has happened to me. 

On the plus side, It looks like I will be moving back near my friends soon. Things are moving forward nicely, so I should hopefully have a better update in a few weeks time. Fingers crossed!

I had my second counselling session this week. We concentrated on employment this session. In a nutshell, the outcome was to get a new job. I think it is the best way to go, but my employer is very good in lots of ways. I have been given some 'homework'. I have to do a plan of where I want to be work wise in two years time. I cannot see me moving up in my company anytime in the next two years, so my future lies elsewhere, methinks!

With regard to my gender conundrum and given the upturn in my mental health, at the moment, the status quo is the current preferred option, albeit with an increased presence of my alter ego. I need to express my inner self more and I am finally gaining the strength to do so. I have a feminine side which I want to unleash more and more and I really believe that by letting this out that I will be a happier and better person in the future. 

A new outfit and wig for this weekend. A St Patricks Day party to go to - first time out this year! Really looking forward to it. I think I am going to be a bit overdressed, but you only live once and I have to enjoy and grasp every opportunity I can to show my true self. It will only be a small gathering, but it is people I know well, so I will feel a lot more comfortable.

Another day, another sense of failure. I am my own worst enemy - I have known that for quite a long time. Even after the admission in my last blog, I still have not been able to make any progress. Even I am boring myself with this one.

Procrastination. I am very good at that. Always have been and probably always will be. I will think about that and let you know. I am full of good ideas, able to plan the ideas out and how to achieve them, just not able to execute them. I expect it is all about prioritising and I am no good at that. Really, I need a rocket up my arse to get me motivated. It is hard to do that when live on your own and most of your friends live about 20 to 30 miles away. I must fight the malaise!

Sunday I will be starting my training for a 40 mile hike I am doing for charity in July. I have no option to get out of this one. In a way, that is exactly what I need. The training gets harder and harder the closed you get to the hike, so I really do need to get motivated. I have no choice on this one!

I cannot seem to get my head straight. I know what I have to do, it is just a case of getting the impetus to do it. I need some stimulation to get me going, but I am having trouble finding it. All I seem to do is sit and hypothesise if and what and then I procrastinate about what to do. I just cannot seem to make a decisive plan of action about the way forward.

Now, I have not had an easy couple of years and the events that have occurred have pushed me to the very edge of my limits. This, in turn, has led me to question many aspects of my life; Past life events, Gender, Work, Relationships, Friendships and my own state of mind. Some I am now dealing with, which has pulled me back from the brink. Since the start of the year, things had been going well, but recently, I have lost my mojo. 

My alter ego has not been out to play recently either. The weather has not helped matters. The constant rain and wind since the start of the year have made me want to stay at home, especially over the past couple of weeks. It is at times like this, that I miss having someone to snuggle up to and keep warm in the evening. I want to do things, go places as my alter ego, but it all seems like a lot of effort and so I cannot be bothered. Then I get angry with myself for not doing the things I should and so the cycle continues. Even completing this blog seems like a chore. I know I have to make the effort though. One step at a time........

Hopefully I will be able to pull myself out of this malaise and continue the good work that I have started. I need to move forward and not backward. I have a lot to do this year and every second counts. 

Um. Not a word I like to use as it really annoys me, but Um. Um as in after a good start to the year I have reached an um stage.Six weeks of good progress are being undone by a period of inactivity on my part. It could be as a by product of the lead up to my birthday and the subsequent come down. I had a very good week off with lots of things done and lots of money spent. I was also looking forward to the counselling session as this was the start of the next stage of my life clean up (more later). However, I am now feeling quite flat.

Let me talk about the counselling. Well, it's not really proper face to face, lets talk things through counselling, but what they call CBT or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It is helping you construct strategies to deal with the issues you have. I have six fifty minute sessions spread over a six month period. To some people, that may not seem very helpful to have only six sessions over such a long space of time, but at least I am getting some help, thanks to the much maligned NHS. My first session mainly consisted of getting the issues out that I need to deal with - of which there are a few. Once we had got these into the open, we could then start to look at the ways in which I could start to deal with them. So, that is what I am now working on until my next session. Mainly the sleep issue (the lack of) and how I deal with other people.

I have had a bit of a cold the last couple of weeks which I cannot seem to shake off. That is not helping the situation. All I want to do is sleep or eat. I have got to try and find the gumption to move forward again and motivate myself.

The Gender conundrum still continues to taunt me. For the last month I have felt like the scales were swinging towards staying in the male body and becoming my alter ego for fun. However, the last week they have been swinging in the other direction again. I have a feeling that this is going to take a lot longer than a year to even just get my head around. It is turning into a bigger struggle than even I imagined.

Hopefully by getting some of my issues sorted through the CBT will make the path cleared. Fingers crossed.

It has been an eventful time since my last blog. Lots of things happening, lots of things to do. A fairly busy week this week, even though I am on holiday. People to see and places to be, or is that people to be and places to see............

The reason for a weeks holiday is the fact that it is my XX birthday (number withheld for your safety). I had a full week to take before the end of March and it seemed as good a time as any. It is a good job I am off this week as the whole moving situation has taken off this week. Had one viewing so far and liked the flat, so me and my friend agreed to take it. It is now up to the landlord to decide between us and another couple of people. Hopefully we will find out tomorrow. It is the perfect location for both of us - right on the beach and overlooking the sea. Perfection!

I have just spent my third weekend out on the trot. Drinks and a film at a friends a couple of weekends ago, Go-Karting and clubbing last weekend and a Monty Python marathon and curry this weekend. I am now poor until I get paid on Wednesday due to this plethora of socialising! Hey, I have enjoyed every minute of it. It has been totally worth it!

Tuesday. Another visit from her. A new look as well. Shoulder length curly blonde hair. I personally think it is a good look for her. No one else has given her an opinion yet. I think she wants to see what people think next weekend. She may be going to a mutual friends birthday drinks,but she is not sure yet. I am hoping her days of indecision are coming to an end. She really needs to get out and show herself to the world - in daylight anyway!

Even work is going OK. Had a good performance review, had some good feedback from other managers and I am missed from my old place of work. Must be doing something right. It is just a shame that the one person who can help my career is about as useful as a chocolate teapot.  I cannot really do any more to prove that I am capable of doing above and beyond the scope of my job roll. Ho Hum!

This will also be a good week for me to work on my gender conundrum. I have amassed a great deal of information to digest and a lot of questions to ask myself. I have had a lot of feedback from my friends - some positive and some negative. I have taken everything on board and hopefully I can clear the path ahead of me further. I will let you know how I fair later in the week.

I may have mentioned in my last blog that I had been moaned at for not blogging enough. I accept that the good friend who made the remark was only concerned about me and it was not a pointed remark. I hope they will accept my sincere apologies. I also must offer congratulations to a good friend of mine on the birth of her baby boy. A few weeks late and larger than anticipated, but both are doing well.

I am writing this whilst having two facebook conversations and one text message conversation. This sentence has so far taken me five minutes to write. This post will probably take me about two hours at this rate!! Last night was just as bad - three email conversations! At least it keeps me occupied and not watching the T.V.....

Resolutions...I am eating healthier, putting the past behind me and still working on who I want to be. With regard to the last one, I went to the gender group for the first time this year. As I have not been since November, I was a bit apprehensive about going. I knew I had to make the effort to go, as it is part of the process. Over Christmas, all I had was the flip side of the argument. Now it is time to broaden the argument again.

The feeling of isolation may also be coming to an end. The living situation will hopefully be progressing soon. The wheels are finally turning and there is now a light at the end of that particular tunnel. I feel lots of viewings coming up!

I went to my doctors last week and mentioned getting the wheels of transition started now. I have been told that the process is basically down to when they feel I am ready to be put forward to the psychiatrist. From that point, it usually takes about a year for the appointment to come through. So, if and when I decide to transition, I will have to wait even longer to start the process. I suppose I have waited 30+ years so a few more will not hurt.

I have been fairly busy socially, which has helped. Quizzes, take aways, Cake days (yum, yum!) and visiting family have kept me active. Go karting and birthday drinks this weekend and a curry on Monday are all being looked forward to. Just need to save my pennies now!

She really wanted to go out on Tuesday, but she felt that she wouldn't be accepted by the general public. She really wants to go out at some point this month - hopefully the opportunity will arise soon. Maybe next Tuesday - if she can muster up the courage to. I hope she will be around before next week. She needs to come out more.

It has taken me about an hour to write all this. I think it is time for a well earned cup of tea and then sort out the washing up. What an exciting life I lead!!

So, this is the first blog entry of the 2014. I know it has been a few days since my last blog entry and for that, I am sorry.

My last entry stated my resolutions. It is only 10 days into the new year, but I can say that so far I am just about following them. I am eating healthier and watching what I eat; I am trying to put the past behind me with regard to my marriage and I am still working on who I want to be. I am starting to feel like all three are interlinked and will ultimately determine my future. Only I can see to that.

With regard to everyday life, so far, it has been OK. I had a very enjoyable New Years Eve with some good friends, felt a little unwell, physically, for the first couple of days of 2014, been out a few times for drinks with friends, taken part in a pub quiz(which we won!!) and generally mooching about. Nothing out of the ordinary. Mentally, I am in a good place at the moment. Glad that Christmas and New year are out of the way and the promise of a new start for 2014. However, I am still taking it one day at a time. 

She finally came back round this week. I have not seen her since November. Tuesday was my day off and she invited herself round. I was good to see her again and it really helped my mood. She wants to go out more this year and I really hope she does. I think at least once a month if not more. I will be pleased if she comes round more often - invited or not!!

I have been moaned at for not blogging enough, so I will endeavour to blog more frequently. I expect as the changes to my life increase, so will the blogging. We will see this time next year if the changes are major or minor. I am going for major............