I've been doing some thinking recently. As this blog is about my internal struggles with my gender, I have felt the need to try to drag (if you'll excuse the pun), the blog back to the reason I started it.

As I feel the need to become my alter ego more and more, I am finding it harder to swap from my male role to my female role and back again. This got me thinking about how I present myself to the world in general, how I act around people and do I really act the way I feel inside.

As I have been bought up male, married, work in a predominately male orientated industry, there is a norm that society says you should conform to. That of the football loving, beer drinking, bloke. I like football - I support my local team; I like a drink - usually a nice single malt, but, I don't feel like a bloke inside.

I don't always feel comfortable with the role society pigeonholes me into. I believe in the individual - that everybody should be who they want to be, be with whoever they want to be and do whatever they want to do (as long as they don't hurt anyone). I feel like I have spent too long conforming to who people believe I should be, too long acting in a way that hasn't always felt comfortable. Given my life over the past few years, the changes I have already made and the emergence of my alter ego, I have decided to act how my mind and body feels it should be acting and start to find my true identity for the first time in 15 years.

So - what is going to happen? As I display all the rough and ready edges of being a bloke, I think it's time to smooth those edges over. Add a dash of grace to my movement, take more care of my appearance and slow down when doing anything. This will give me something to concentrate on, to stop me sitting down and watching the television all night. The inner me is fighting back!!

Aggggggh! Back to the grindstone today. Back to my normal, humdrum life. Back to the tedium of my everyday existence. Struggling with a manager who is pretty useless at virtually everything, a head office who haven't got a clue about the size of my store and what we sell and a general lack of any kind of enthusiasm for my job have made me both stressed and tired. It has got to the point where I don't want to go to work. All I want to do is stay at home, in bed and try to sleep.

I am becoming a bit of a hermit because of this. I'm not fussed about going out - I'd rather stay in and veg out. I must confess, working long hours and a months house-sitting have taken it out of me and my body is sending out a very clear message: STOP! Lots of spots, boils, aches, pains and a cough/cold just itching to develop mean that I will have to stop and rest and get myself well again. It's a good job I have 7 days holiday coming up! It sure is needed!!

I will be spending my time just relaxing and getting myself back on track and hopefully de-stressing a bit. A couple of days visiting friends up t'north, possibly a trip westward ho!, sorting out the last of my storage unit and an appearance from my alter ego perhaps? I certainly hope so ;) After last weeks outing, I feel she needs to come out more - if only for my sanity and well-being! It is amazing how she helps my moods. She seems to calm me down and lets me be who I want to be. She feels more confident about coming out now, so that will hopefully be beneficial for me.

So, time for me to try and relax and try to forget about work tomorrow. Try to forget the tedium and the struggle, the endless search for enthusiasm and the gumption to actually get up and go to work. Damn! - why did you let me think about it? No sleep for me - I blame you!

Hiya! I finally got to go out this week. An afternoon of shopping and coffee with a good friend of mine. It was just what was needed after the last couple of weeks. I really needed to get out and this outing has made me realise how much more I want to go out. I thought I would go dark haired this week - so I went for black. I wore the new outfit I bought last time. 

So...after leaving my flat(dressed for the first time in daylight), we met at my friends house and then I drove us into the local city. I felt more confident than the last time we went - I think the fact that I had been out before and the reaction, or lack of it, had given me a confidence boost. I have to keep myself grounded though, as I know there will be some adverse reaction to come. and some of that will be nasty.

Neither of us had much money, so we did a lot of window shopping! I bought a jumper, top and a ring.......as well as a few toiletries from a very nice shop......which my friend also works at. A bath bomb, some shower gel and a face mask completed my shopping expedition.

It was nice to be accepted whilst shopping. Every cashier called us ladies, even the staff in my friends shop treated me as me. That is a real confidence boost. I think it helps that my local city is seen as one of the most open and accepting in this country - in some respects, anything goes. 

Next trip - Halloween. The perfect excuse to get out and get dressed up. I've already decided what I am going to wear. However, you will all have to wait and see ;) xx

Bleugh. Given the last few weeks and my attempts to rectify my health issues, I have finally had to admit defeat and have a day off sick. The banging headache and dizziness, plus the explosion of spots/boils on my body have convinced me to have a duvet day (well, sort of). It was nice to sleep in, even if I had to wake up to phone work at 6.15am. I felt so much better after an extra few hours sleep. It's amazing what a few extra hours of shut eye can do. That, plus the fact that I've had the day off of work have made me feel 100% better. Still some way to go though.

I received a compliment at work yesterday. A customer - who knows my alter ego - said that she looked lovely in her recent photos and it was good to see her back out and about. This has made me more determined to expose my alter ego to the public in the next month. A week of early nights and a lot of healthy eating should help. 

I was nice to receive a compliment. It makes me feel that I can look good and I am getting things right. I still have a long way to go to make sure that I can pass to  most people, but practice will make perfect.  The more I go out, or come out, the better I will look, pass and act. The customer who gave to compliment said if I wanted to go shopping, she would go with me. My friend who lives just up the road from me has suggested we have a tea/coffee date each month. So there are plenty of opportunities to go out. Plenty of practice!!

Then thunder, lightning and torrential rain are back. The last few days have seen plenty of all three! Even had a tiny flood at work. The monsoon like rain meant the drains in my work town couldn't cope, so we had a flash flood. The only bit of excitement to happen this week though.

Next week doesn't look much better, although I will be away for a couple of days on a course for one of our suppliers. Going with a good friend of mine - we both work for the same company. Us together on this course will be fun. Lets just say, with the two of us together, we will be a force to be reckoned with! 

Sorry for the quiet period - the last few weeks have taken it out of me. What with a 53 hour week at work with no days off or lunch breaks,taking a parent to a hospital for an operation on my few days off last week and moving back home from house sitting, I am a wee bit tired. The fact that I can currently drink three cans of full fat cola and still get to sleep is testament to that. Usually, I would be bouncing off of the walls!!

So, this has not left me much time to do anything else, anything I really want to do. The main aim is recovering my lost sleep and recovering from the efforts of the past few weeks. My body has been rebelling against me because of the lack of sleep and the affects of a very bad diet. Boils and spots galore. My first lay in since August has helped, as have the early nights. I am showing my age by being in bed by 9pm on a Saturday night! It is the future............

Well, because of his tiredness, I couldn't go out last weekend. I must admit, the weeks had taken their toll on him and I was really looking forward to going out again. However, it just wasn't meant to be. I bought two new tops as well, because, as usual, I couldn't decide what to wear! Hopefully, I will be out in the next few weeks. Even if it is only for tea! Halloween is also coming up, so I will deffo be out then. I have a costume idea........and I will be going out in my local town for the first time. It could be interesting and will be frightening, in more ways than one!!!!!

A week of relaxation and quiet is the best course of action this week. Just taking easy and getting everything back on track. Plenty of rest and good, healthy food are the way I will be going this week. Fingers crossed. I will leave you with a photo of the sky tonight. It was mesmerising.

 Night all.