Life is strange. Mine is full of interesting people, places, events and situations. Highs and lows. Rights and wrongs. My life has been a rollercoaster over the past few years and it's not going to stop anytime soon. My decision to pursue Gender Reassignment Surgery (GRS) is going to divide opinion, cause upset and alienate some people in my sphere of influence. I have so far been encouraged by the responses of my friends - even though I have one who keeps asking me if I'm sure. I keep saying I'm sure. I haven't been so sure of anything since I first put on a dress and decided I enjoyed it. 

So, how far have I got? Well......not very far. With working 47.5 hours per week over the past few weeks, I haven't had time to re-register at a local doctors and start the process. It's frustrating, but my fault. So, I've started to make subtle changes in my life to compensate and hopefully make the transition slightly easier. Things like growing my hair, taking better care of myself, slightly feminising my mannerisms. Not too much of the last one, but enough in the right company.

It's been a good and bad week,for me 2.0. I'll let me 2.0 explain...........

A while ago, A friend of mine, who is a very good singer by the way, had got a gig at the pub where I have been a few times with my 'sister' (she'll love me for saying that!). So, I was invited to go. Obviously I was going to go - miss a chance to get dressed up? Never! I had been looking forward to it for ages. Then, me 1.0's new branch opened. The week of the gig. Ah. The fact me 1.0 had to work until 5pm meant that I didn't have a lot of time to get ready. 

So the night before, I had to hog the bathroom to feminise myself. It takes a lot of preparation to get this body looking even vaguely feminine! Finally, after about an hour of de-fuzzing, scrubbing and moisturising, part one was complete. This went a long way to helping me with my lack of prep time on the Friday.

Originally, the plan was to glam up. I had a new dress and everything. Then weather that evening said otherwise. I messaged my friend that I sadly wasn't going to glam up, but would still make an effort. And I did. I even managed to do my make up in an hour. It wasn't my best effort, but I think I got away with it. Just ;)

In the car I got and drove for about an hour - that's dedication for you. The feelings of nervousness that I used to feel when going out on my own and going into places on my own are lessening. It helps when I have been somewhere before, as I have here. So I parked up and walked into the pub. Disappointingly, it wasn't very busy. The weather - heavy rain and wind, a beer festival and other events conspired to keep people away.

The friend with whom I normally go in the pub with hadn't arrived yet and eventually arrived about 45 mins later. They did have mitigating circumstances though. However, my friend was setting up and the landlord and landlady recognised me and immediately put me at ease. It was good to have catch up with my friend and we had a chat about my decision to go for GRS. She was really pleased that I had made the decision to go for it. That is real validation of my decision. Confidence boosted accordingly!

The lack of audience combined with a few, shall we say, unappreciative audience members didn't help her cause, but when they left and it was just a few hardened souls left, she really let rip! Even I had a boogie and I felt totally at ease with myself. For me,it was a good evening. Again, I was sad when it was over and me 2.0 had to disappear again. Hopefully this is the beginning of me 2.0 being me 1.0. Fingers crossed.

After the highs of the gig, last night I had a taste of the lows of my decision. I am eventually going to tell my mum that I want to become her daughter. Whilst visiting her and my stepdad last night, an advert for I am Cait the programme about Caitlyn Jenner came on. My stepdad, who is from a certain era, made some disparaging comments about her and called her a heshe, and a freak. I had to bite my tongue. I fear it isn't going to be an easy task when he finds out. I think he is the person least likely to accept it. It is the first piece of negativity I have come across and I doubt it will be the last.

Onwards and upwards. It hasn't swayed me from my decision. I'm still going to ask for GRS. It's still my goal. It's still my dream and it's a dream I intend to come true. Hopefully most people will join me for the ride. It's going to be bumpy, lumpy and there will unfortunately be no rumpy pumpy! I have a good set of friends around me who understand and I hope will be there for me as they have done up till now. Buckle up!

I've made my decision. The feedback so far has been positive, but, that's only from a handful of people. I have been thinking a lot about what the consequences are, what the effect it is going to have on my whole life and the effect on those around me. By getting one issue off of my chest, it has created many more to keep me awake at night!

I want to get to the doctor to start the process off as soon as I can. However, I have a problem (of my own making). I have to change my doctor. When I moved last year, I didn't change my doctor. As I am now at least 30 miles away, I really do need to change. There is a slight fly in the ointment, as I can't change until I have had my next lot of medication. (I'm epileptic). Luckily, they are due in the next few weeks, so I can set the wheels in motion.

I have been a little tetchy the past week. Due to my laxness at re-registering with a doctor, the thought of telling people of my decision and the fact that I want to change things about me NOW!! I know it will take time, but I am a little impatient. Scratch that, I'm VERY impatient. I have been debating my decision for about a year now and given the fact that it will probably take over a year to get an appointment to discuss my gender dysphoria with a qualified professional, I really want to get started now.

I do feel at odds with my physical vessel more and more nowadays. I don't feel right presenting myself as 'Male', when my brain says otherwise. The only problem I have at present,is the fact it takes me a good few hours to turn me 1.0 into me 2.0. Finding the time in the evening is hard and it can really only happen at weekends, holidays or if I manage to get some time off during the week. Currently, the odds are stacked against me. A charity walk, the opening of my new branch, the manager going on holiday all equal no time for me 2.0. Grrrrr.

I suppose good things come to those who wait. Seriously, I've been waiting quite a few years now. I'm starting to get fed up with waiting and waiting and waiting. I just want something to go right for once, without any complications or worries. I know I am destined to fail on that score, but it would be nice for something to go smoothly.

Right, rant over. So, with regard to me 2.0, here are the latest musings from my alter ego.......


Well, now for a lighter interlude! I was lucky to be invited out to a 30th birthday party last week. I hadn't decided to go until Thursday last week (it was between me 1.0 and me 2.0). I had managed to get Friday afternoon off of work so I could get ready and try and make myself presentable. After talking outfits with a friend who was also going, we decided on smart casual and as it was a tad warm last week, comfortable for me! After plucking, smoothing, painting and tweaking, I was ready to face the world. 

Unfortunately, I had forgotten a couple of things. These things were also personal fears which were things I would have to deal with if I started to transition. 1). Getting on a local bus on my own in daylight. 2). Walking through my local town in daylight. 3). Getting on a train in my local town in daylight. With the thought of transition in mind, I went for it. I got on the bus, I walked through the town and I got on that train. Three fears dealt with. Yes, I got stared at and yes, I didn't care. I felt right and that was all that mattered.

My friend got on two stops up and we made our journey to the local city. We walked down from the station and into the pub. Most of the group I didn't know and other than the three people I knew (The birthday boy (who is a good friend) and two other very good friends) me 1.0 had met one of the group once. Given the nature of the group, I was very comfortable in their presence and totally at ease. After a lot of bad dancing, awful jokes and a couple of glasses of wine (and the odd whiskey), the night was over and home beckoned. Four of us walked back to the station and we all departed at various points along the journey. At my stop, I had another two personal fears to face. Walking to the bus stop at night and getting the bus at night. 

Walking through town as me 2.0 was scary. As me 1.0, I would have felt OK, but me 2.0 did feel more alert and aware as to who was around me and how close they were to me. I can sympathise with how intimidating it can be for females to walk around at night on their own. I kept to well lit roads and made my way to the bus stop. There was a 20 minute wait for the bus. Luckily, it was in a well lit area and there were plenty of people around.

The bus came and I got on to enjoy my five minute ride home. When I got off the bus, the driver made a comment. 'You look really good. You really do look good. I'm very impressed.' Music to my ears! That was such a confidence boost. He realised that it was my alter ego, but I must have been pretty convincing to elicit that response. Happy times!! :)

However, the evening had to draw to a close and all vestiges of me 2.0 had to go away. I feel like I am putting the real me away. The pretty(!) and girly me who wants to be out there and open to the world. Hopefully one day I can change me 2.0 into me 1.0. We'll see. xxxx

Brain Overload!! I have an over active mind which I just can't seem to turn off. I know the reasons why - for once. For some of the issues, I can do something about them, for the others - meh!

I suffer many a sleepless night, pondering over numerous issues and scenarios. Many over the past few years have involved my ex partner and where we went wrong and many have involved me as my alter ego. It is this latter group of issues and scenarios combined with the pressures of moving to and opening a new branch of my company, that are causing the current lack of sleep. 

Obviously the gender issue is the whole reason for this blog. It is a big issue to tackle. I currently have a decision in my mind as to where I go forward with my gender and it is now this decision which is causing my sleeplessness. I have had a lot of time to think about it recently. As I am not based in any particular branch, I can't do much in the way of my normal role, so I am reduced to the part of a general assistant, purely serving customers. For me, this is very boring! Therefore, I have had oodles of thinking time, thinking about the way forward.

My decision is a big one. I want to explore to possibility of transitioning.What is the way forward from here? What will it entail? How do I tell my family? How do I tell the friends who don't already know? How do I start the process? So many questions!!! From my past limited online research, it won't be easy, far from it. I have to make sure that I am tough enough mentally to cope with the negativity that will arise from some people and places and the stress that the process will put me through. 

I'm in a much better place than I was 18 months ago. This decision is the culmination of many hours of soul searching, visiting of dark places, desperation and heartache. This is a decision that will, if it happens, will have immense consequences on relationships, friendships, work and my general well being. Given my love of procrastination, don't expect a lot of movement anytime soon! At least I have made a decision on the issue. I just need to get the ball rolling.........

Last time, I said that I had some other news to tell. Exciting news. Well, here it is......I have been asked to help plan a hen do for a friend of my other gurl friend. For me, that is a brilliant vote of confidence and gives me a great sense of acceptance. I'm really looking forward to it!  I am also being me more. I am managing to be out more, whether just at home or in public. The decision me 1.0 has come to will also have a bearing on me. It will make me slightly redundant I suppose, but, if it happens, it will blur the lines between me 1.0 and 2.0 and create a whole new person.....hopefully!! xxxx

Being around but not visible is hard sometimes. I love going out and I love being myself, but, for the moment, it isn't always possible. I've been lucky in the past month as I've been to London twice and been able to be me at home once. With the better summer weather (hopefully - this is the UK!), I will be able to become more visible and not just around in me 1.0 form.

You already know about my 1st trip to London (if you read my blog on a regular basis - if not, please take the time to read). Luckily, I had another planned. My good friend, with whom I regularly go shopping, asked me a while ago if I wanted to go and see a very rare event happening in London. Obviously, I jumped at the chance. We had a grand day out planned - spa treatment, hours spent at a well known cosmetics shop (it was well lush......), dinner and the show. It was also good for me, as earlier in the year, I had said that I wanted to spend the day as me. This day gave me that opportunity.

However, plans changed slightly. My friends dad had passed away in the intervening period and she had to fly overseas to collect his ashes, the day after the show. This put quite a lot of emotional and financial pressure on her and given the timescales involved, we decided to put the spa treatment on hold. We also had weave the collection and drop off of the country in questions currency into our day.

So, let us go to the start. As it takes time for me 1.0 to become me 2.0, I had to get up early. I was meeting my friend at hers at 11am, so needed at least 2 hours to get ready and get to hers. (I had started prepping the night before - defuzzing and getting my outfit ready.) I have, over time, now got my routine and daytime look sorted. I know not to over dress with too much shapewear - it gets too hot! - have too much make up and don't dress up too much. My aim is to blend in, not to stand out.

It took me about 90 minutes to get ready. That gave me too much time to faff about wondering if I looked OK and if I needed to tweak anything. With everything sorted, off I went. I walked to my friends as it is only 10 minutes along the road. I faced one of the 3 fears that were to come my way - walking along my road, a busy A road during the day. I need not have worried as I was eyed up by one man and most people didn't take any notice. My second and third fears were getting the bus into my local town during the day and then walking through my local town during the day. Both passed without incident and we even had a quick coffee on our way to the station.

After an uneventful train journey to London, we made our way to Oxford St. Via the underground. Now, for me, going into any large crowd is a big deal. Will I be read (will they see that I'm really me 1.0 in female clothing) will I get any nasty remarks etc. Well.....nowt. Nothing. Nada. Absolutely perfect. Our first stop - the cosmetics shop (still well lush.....), where we spent about 2 hours and I spent about £40 (some makeup, perfume and a few other bits). I also had a hand massage, where I was told I had very muscular forearms!

We then went on to pick up and drop off the currency and took a bus to our rendezvous point where we were meeting my friends husband. A pub. Here we had a couple of drinks and a spot of dinner. This was when I decided that I needed to visit the little girls room. My dilemma - there were 3 choices Gentlemen, Ladies or Unisex. Um........which one to choose? Rightly or wrongly, I chose the ladies. Technically, I could have used any. However, I chose the one which was the closest fit to my persona.

So far, the day had gone without a hitch. I was really enjoying myself. Everything felt natural and everything felt right. I was relaxed and being myself. I'm glad I had toned down the dress as It was a little warm and if I had overdressed, I think I would have melted! You may think that there will be a but............but there wasn't. We had another drink and then made our way to the venue - again via bus. I blended in again, but I didn't care if I was being read. I felt good. 

We walked from the bus to the venue, handed out tickets over and found our seats. Front row, First circle. Very good seats! The theme of the show was 'Saying the unsayable'. It was a thought provoking evening and it made me think about my life going forward. The show included a transgender poet and a crossdressing comedian and the fact that I was there as me 2.0 really opened my eyes as to where I want to go with my life. 

However, the show came to an end and we had to make our way home. Make my way back to me 1.0. I still had an just over an hour left as me 2.0 and I felt sad that I would once again be invisible to the naked eye. I savoured every minute of being around and it made me realise that I can go out when I want and that most people don't even notice me. Which is what I want. Stripping off the layers of me 2.0 felt like locking that person up - imprisoning them when they should be free. Hopefully one day they will.

I will just mention the home outing. It was the Eurovision Song Contest. My flatmates were away, so it just lent itself to me 2.0 being out. I had my princess petrol poured (a nice White Zinfandel Rose), some snacks and at first, a cat for company. My friends from up the road came down about halfway through and through a haze of alcohol we tore the voting apart and put the competition to rights! 

I do have some other news to tell, but I will keep that for later. Lets just say that the world of me 2.0 gets slightly bigger and more exciting......xxxx

Regular readers of this blog will know that I do open up my heart and will say how I am feeling, my fears, my dreams and my insecurities. You know all about my ups and downs, my pride in how far I've come, but also how far I have to go. My problem is that I procrastinate. I tend to say 'I'll do this' or 'I'll do that', but when it comes round to it, I never do. I have always been like this. Ever since I was a little person. It's a habit I find very hard to break.

Where is this all leading? Well, it all started with a drink in the local bar with a very good friend of mine. My friend has always been very supportive of me 2.0 and continues to be. This was one person I was afraid of telling them to begin with, because of their relationship with my ex and her family. However, we have become a very good friends and they have become a very good confidante. We were talking about our lives - what we are up to, their problems and my problems and trying to see things from another point of view. 

We spoke at length about how we are both feeling. Although this blog is about me and my struggles, the conversation was split 50/50 and wasn't one sided. So, why do I have issues? The same issues are there as before, but my current situation has brought them to the fore again. You see, I am currently between branches of my company. I am awaiting my new branch to open and I am floating between branches. Now, I like things to do - projects to sink my teeth into. I can't do that at the moment, so I'm feeling very lost. This is impacting on my private life though. 

It's been just over three years since I split from my ex. The relationship had been on a downward spiral for about two years previous to that, so I guess that means that I have now gone five years without any real emotional bond with anyone. No one to be close to, intimate with, be affectionate with. Suddenly, this has become a big issue. The feeling of loneliness has hit home and hit hard. This, however, leads to other issues. The title of this blog - The Struggle with my Alter Ego - is what is stopping me from dealing with that situation. Now, I should be well on my way to dealing with that, but, when times have been good, as the last year has been on an upward trend, things get pushed back, to deal with later. Procrastination.

My gender issues are coming back and I do need to deal with them. I can't move forward any further until I properly deal with them. At the moment, if I picture myself in a relationship, I can only see myself as if I was me 2.0 permanently. Whether this is because I have not had an affectionate relationship for so long and as I long to be held tight and caressed as a perceived female, is this swaying my view. Does it mean that I may not be heterosexual? Am I Bi? Do I crave the stereotypical female role? I feel more female than male at times - does that make me androgynous? It's a minefield of decisions to make and paths to take. I don't believe that there is only male or female or heterosexual or gay. We are all somewhere in between the two points of each category. I just haven't found my spots yet.

I still need to tell people about me 2.0. I need to tell my mum. I need to tell her about what is troubling me. I need to have her feedback and view and how she feels.  She knows something is up and so far, hasn't pushed it. I also need to tell two of my other friends. He is, well, not very receptive to any kind of alternative lifestyle and his better half, I don't know how she will take it. I may be surprised or I may be angry. Only time will tell. 

I also need to address my sleep issues. I am having chronic insomnia at the moment and that is adding to the whole package of issues to deal with. It may be that if I deal with some of my other problems, that the sleep issue will start to resolve itself. I have already started to be me 2.0 again, so that's a start. The feelings I have when dressed though are immense and I do have a comedown when I have to become me 1.0 again. Me 2.0 will be in London on Thursday. This will be a real test as I will be me 2.0 all day. From when I go out in the morning until the time I come home in the evening. This will give me a brief view as to how it would be if I was me 2.0 full time. 

I will try to keep you updated as to my progress and I will try to take piccies of my trip to London. Fingers crossed. xxxx

Hello! Just a quick update as to where we are, both mentally and physically ;) Been a bit up and down this month, but me 2.0 has managed to make an appearance and me 2.0 will be out in London next week. Have been on a week off this week, however this has been marred by a severe lack of sleep and lack of money to actually do much. Boo!

Here are a couple of piccies of last nights fun:

Having more fun tonight - hopefully a Eurovision party/gathering so there should be more piccies tomorrow. xx

Um......before I start I must apologise for the prolonged hiatus. I have had a rollercoaster of emotions for the past few months, with waiting for my new store to materialise, the frustration of not being able to do the job I'm paid for, a bout of the flu and a cold which just won't shift. However, I am back and other than my job, raring to go. I have the dual personality itch again which I am longing to scratch!!

So, what has bought me back to life. In a nutshell, a couple of months of being a bit of a recluse, the sunnier weather (In the UK - about 1 days worth a year!) and my upcoming week off have re-energised me. I have found my mojo again and I am now trying to create some order in my life and change things up a bit. From clearing out some old tat, thinning out me 1.0's clothes, to exercising more and eating healthily, change was necessary. 

A cleaner mind and a tidier place to live do change your perspective on life, in my view. I helps you to sort things out in your mind better, deal with life's general crap better and give you a brighter outlook on life. Given my issues over the past year and the fact that I was on an upward trend generally, life decided to throw in a few spoilers. This spring clean has picked my back up, dusted me down and give me a healthy kick up the backside. Slowly and steadily, I am on my way back to me again.

Now, as for me 2.0, she has taken a back seat for the past few months. The general malaise that robbed me of my mojo, meant that showing my inner self to the outside world became a major chore, even though I should have been embracing it. I worked out that it was exactly two months between outings - 28th Feb and 1st May. To be honest, it was good, no, fantastic to get me 2.0 out again. All the reasons why I enjoy the freedom of me 2.0 have flooded back - hence the need to scratch the itch.
This has started with an outing to London. I shall let me 2.0 explain more.....

Hiya! Me again. Sorry for the enforced absence - me 1.0 has had a few issues which has meant that I've had to take a back seat. The thing is, I could have helped, if only me 1.0 had let me in. Me 1.0 knows I'm always there for them - they only have to ask.

The trip to London. A couple of months ago, a close friend of mine had told me about a sequel to my favourite stage show - The Rocky Horror Show. Shock Treatment was the sequel and it had been adapted for the first time as a stage show. The venue was a small theatre in Islington - The Kings Head Theatre. I jumped at the chance to go - a trip away from the comfort of my normal surroundings. So, tickets booked, I was looking forward to my new adventure. However.......with me 1.0's hiatus from life, I wasn't sure if I would be going. It was touch and go at one point, but I think me 1.0 saw the light and decided to put me in a new situation.

This was also a chance to go shopping, of course. I couldn't decide what to wear - I looked at my wardrobe and there no inspiration. What was I to do? Now, me 1.0 has always been a bit wary of going shopping for me, but to give me 1.0 their due, they did well! Some new 3/4 length jeans, a new cardie and a few new accessories all made their debut in London. My aim was to blend in and just look natural. To me, I did.

After glamming(!) up, I walked to my friends - they were driving up. It's only about ten minutes down the road. It was in broad daylight in rush hour, along a busy main road. Did I feel nervous? A bit. Until I started walking along the road. Then I felt absolutely.........normal. I was being me. Why should I worry what anybody else thought? The walk was over before I knew it and we were on our way.

The drive up was uneventful and we arrived in Islington in good time. We decided to go for food - we opted for Mexican. Now, at this point, I have to say I was wearing a pair of nude wedges. Unfortunately, they decided to cut into my left foot after only a short walk. Luckily, I had taken my flats and my gallant knight in shining armour (my friends husband), retrieved them for me. As I don't wear heels that often, my 1.0's feet are not battle hardened. This we will have to work on.

The meal was fab. Really tasty and really reasonably priced - even for London. By the time we had finished, we had a couple of hours to go still - the show started at 11.59 pm - so we wandered off to find a decent pub. Most of them had been turned into either shops or restaurants. We then decided to go to the venue. The Kings Head Theatre is conveniently on the back of the Kings Head Pub. Weird, I know! The venue is nice, but it was too loud to talk properly. It was absolutely heaving and even the mellow background music was loud. The highlights were the fact that me 1.0's current favourite beer was on tap and the fact that a GG (genetic female) told me I looked gorgeous. Now, that was a real boost to the system. Up to this point I had not had many second glances and had, in my eyes, blended right in. 

I do feel a difference in the way I am treated when I am me 1.0 and me 2.0. Now, it may seem a bit cliched, but as me 2.0, doors are held open for me, I get smiled at more but, I do feel I am judged on my appearance more. As for me 1.0, I never get a second look, I hold open the doors and I never get smiled at! To me, it seems that some stereotypical gender bias is still alive and kicking.

Finally it was time for the show. We made our way into the tiny theatre and took out seats. The capacity was just over 100 seats, so it made for a very intimate atmosphere. For the purposes of the story, this worked well. The show is set in a TV studio, so we were effectively the studio audience. I won't spoil the story for you, but it was brilliant. A-maz-ing. We all really enjoyed it. The cast were really good and the intimate atmosphere made for a good show. However, all good things must come to an end and we had to come home. It was about 2AM and we were all a bit frazzled. I remembered that I couldn't get straight into bed when I came home - I had a few things to clear up...........

The bed looked even worse!! The perils of being me 2.0. With that, I had to go. Back to reality........

As you can see/read, life is getting better. Me 2.0 is due to be out a lot on my week off and may even be going to London again at the end of the month. That was certain, but as a spa treatment may be on offer beforehand, do I want to enjoy my treatment and relax for the rest of the day or do I have the treatment and then transform into me 2.0 and lose some of that relaxation? I have thought about being a bit androgynous - no major transformation, just a few no gender specific pieces of clothing and a splash of makeup. Try something different. A change is as good as a rest ;) xxxx