Brain Overload!! I have an over active mind which I just can't seem to turn off. I know the reasons why - for once. For some of the issues, I can do something about them, for the others - meh!

I suffer many a sleepless night, pondering over numerous issues and scenarios. Many over the past few years have involved my ex partner and where we went wrong and many have involved me as my alter ego. It is this latter group of issues and scenarios combined with the pressures of moving to and opening a new branch of my company, that are causing the current lack of sleep. 

Obviously the gender issue is the whole reason for this blog. It is a big issue to tackle. I currently have a decision in my mind as to where I go forward with my gender and it is now this decision which is causing my sleeplessness. I have had a lot of time to think about it recently. As I am not based in any particular branch, I can't do much in the way of my normal role, so I am reduced to the part of a general assistant, purely serving customers. For me, this is very boring! Therefore, I have had oodles of thinking time, thinking about the way forward.

My decision is a big one. I want to explore to possibility of transitioning.What is the way forward from here? What will it entail? How do I tell my family? How do I tell the friends who don't already know? How do I start the process? So many questions!!! From my past limited online research, it won't be easy, far from it. I have to make sure that I am tough enough mentally to cope with the negativity that will arise from some people and places and the stress that the process will put me through. 

I'm in a much better place than I was 18 months ago. This decision is the culmination of many hours of soul searching, visiting of dark places, desperation and heartache. This is a decision that will, if it happens, will have immense consequences on relationships, friendships, work and my general well being. Given my love of procrastination, don't expect a lot of movement anytime soon! At least I have made a decision on the issue. I just need to get the ball rolling.........

Last time, I said that I had some other news to tell. Exciting news. Well, here it is......I have been asked to help plan a hen do for a friend of my other gurl friend. For me, that is a brilliant vote of confidence and gives me a great sense of acceptance. I'm really looking forward to it!  I am also being me more. I am managing to be out more, whether just at home or in public. The decision me 1.0 has come to will also have a bearing on me. It will make me slightly redundant I suppose, but, if it happens, it will blur the lines between me 1.0 and 2.0 and create a whole new person.....hopefully!! xxxx

Being around but not visible is hard sometimes. I love going out and I love being myself, but, for the moment, it isn't always possible. I've been lucky in the past month as I've been to London twice and been able to be me at home once. With the better summer weather (hopefully - this is the UK!), I will be able to become more visible and not just around in me 1.0 form.

You already know about my 1st trip to London (if you read my blog on a regular basis - if not, please take the time to read). Luckily, I had another planned. My good friend, with whom I regularly go shopping, asked me a while ago if I wanted to go and see a very rare event happening in London. Obviously, I jumped at the chance. We had a grand day out planned - spa treatment, hours spent at a well known cosmetics shop (it was well lush......), dinner and the show. It was also good for me, as earlier in the year, I had said that I wanted to spend the day as me. This day gave me that opportunity.

However, plans changed slightly. My friends dad had passed away in the intervening period and she had to fly overseas to collect his ashes, the day after the show. This put quite a lot of emotional and financial pressure on her and given the timescales involved, we decided to put the spa treatment on hold. We also had weave the collection and drop off of the country in questions currency into our day.

So, let us go to the start. As it takes time for me 1.0 to become me 2.0, I had to get up early. I was meeting my friend at hers at 11am, so needed at least 2 hours to get ready and get to hers. (I had started prepping the night before - defuzzing and getting my outfit ready.) I have, over time, now got my routine and daytime look sorted. I know not to over dress with too much shapewear - it gets too hot! - have too much make up and don't dress up too much. My aim is to blend in, not to stand out.

It took me about 90 minutes to get ready. That gave me too much time to faff about wondering if I looked OK and if I needed to tweak anything. With everything sorted, off I went. I walked to my friends as it is only 10 minutes along the road. I faced one of the 3 fears that were to come my way - walking along my road, a busy A road during the day. I need not have worried as I was eyed up by one man and most people didn't take any notice. My second and third fears were getting the bus into my local town during the day and then walking through my local town during the day. Both passed without incident and we even had a quick coffee on our way to the station.

After an uneventful train journey to London, we made our way to Oxford St. Via the underground. Now, for me, going into any large crowd is a big deal. Will I be read (will they see that I'm really me 1.0 in female clothing) will I get any nasty remarks etc. Well.....nowt. Nothing. Nada. Absolutely perfect. Our first stop - the cosmetics shop (still well lush.....), where we spent about 2 hours and I spent about £40 (some makeup, perfume and a few other bits). I also had a hand massage, where I was told I had very muscular forearms!

We then went on to pick up and drop off the currency and took a bus to our rendezvous point where we were meeting my friends husband. A pub. Here we had a couple of drinks and a spot of dinner. This was when I decided that I needed to visit the little girls room. My dilemma - there were 3 choices Gentlemen, Ladies or Unisex. Um........which one to choose? Rightly or wrongly, I chose the ladies. Technically, I could have used any. However, I chose the one which was the closest fit to my persona.

So far, the day had gone without a hitch. I was really enjoying myself. Everything felt natural and everything felt right. I was relaxed and being myself. I'm glad I had toned down the dress as It was a little warm and if I had overdressed, I think I would have melted! You may think that there will be a but............but there wasn't. We had another drink and then made our way to the venue - again via bus. I blended in again, but I didn't care if I was being read. I felt good. 

We walked from the bus to the venue, handed out tickets over and found our seats. Front row, First circle. Very good seats! The theme of the show was 'Saying the unsayable'. It was a thought provoking evening and it made me think about my life going forward. The show included a transgender poet and a crossdressing comedian and the fact that I was there as me 2.0 really opened my eyes as to where I want to go with my life. 

However, the show came to an end and we had to make our way home. Make my way back to me 1.0. I still had an just over an hour left as me 2.0 and I felt sad that I would once again be invisible to the naked eye. I savoured every minute of being around and it made me realise that I can go out when I want and that most people don't even notice me. Which is what I want. Stripping off the layers of me 2.0 felt like locking that person up - imprisoning them when they should be free. Hopefully one day they will.

I will just mention the home outing. It was the Eurovision Song Contest. My flatmates were away, so it just lent itself to me 2.0 being out. I had my princess petrol poured (a nice White Zinfandel Rose), some snacks and at first, a cat for company. My friends from up the road came down about halfway through and through a haze of alcohol we tore the voting apart and put the competition to rights! 

I do have some other news to tell, but I will keep that for later. Lets just say that the world of me 2.0 gets slightly bigger and more exciting......xxxx

Regular readers of this blog will know that I do open up my heart and will say how I am feeling, my fears, my dreams and my insecurities. You know all about my ups and downs, my pride in how far I've come, but also how far I have to go. My problem is that I procrastinate. I tend to say 'I'll do this' or 'I'll do that', but when it comes round to it, I never do. I have always been like this. Ever since I was a little person. It's a habit I find very hard to break.

Where is this all leading? Well, it all started with a drink in the local bar with a very good friend of mine. My friend has always been very supportive of me 2.0 and continues to be. This was one person I was afraid of telling them to begin with, because of their relationship with my ex and her family. However, we have become a very good friends and they have become a very good confidante. We were talking about our lives - what we are up to, their problems and my problems and trying to see things from another point of view. 

We spoke at length about how we are both feeling. Although this blog is about me and my struggles, the conversation was split 50/50 and wasn't one sided. So, why do I have issues? The same issues are there as before, but my current situation has brought them to the fore again. You see, I am currently between branches of my company. I am awaiting my new branch to open and I am floating between branches. Now, I like things to do - projects to sink my teeth into. I can't do that at the moment, so I'm feeling very lost. This is impacting on my private life though. 

It's been just over three years since I split from my ex. The relationship had been on a downward spiral for about two years previous to that, so I guess that means that I have now gone five years without any real emotional bond with anyone. No one to be close to, intimate with, be affectionate with. Suddenly, this has become a big issue. The feeling of loneliness has hit home and hit hard. This, however, leads to other issues. The title of this blog - The Struggle with my Alter Ego - is what is stopping me from dealing with that situation. Now, I should be well on my way to dealing with that, but, when times have been good, as the last year has been on an upward trend, things get pushed back, to deal with later. Procrastination.

My gender issues are coming back and I do need to deal with them. I can't move forward any further until I properly deal with them. At the moment, if I picture myself in a relationship, I can only see myself as if I was me 2.0 permanently. Whether this is because I have not had an affectionate relationship for so long and as I long to be held tight and caressed as a perceived female, is this swaying my view. Does it mean that I may not be heterosexual? Am I Bi? Do I crave the stereotypical female role? I feel more female than male at times - does that make me androgynous? It's a minefield of decisions to make and paths to take. I don't believe that there is only male or female or heterosexual or gay. We are all somewhere in between the two points of each category. I just haven't found my spots yet.

I still need to tell people about me 2.0. I need to tell my mum. I need to tell her about what is troubling me. I need to have her feedback and view and how she feels.  She knows something is up and so far, hasn't pushed it. I also need to tell two of my other friends. He is, well, not very receptive to any kind of alternative lifestyle and his better half, I don't know how she will take it. I may be surprised or I may be angry. Only time will tell. 

I also need to address my sleep issues. I am having chronic insomnia at the moment and that is adding to the whole package of issues to deal with. It may be that if I deal with some of my other problems, that the sleep issue will start to resolve itself. I have already started to be me 2.0 again, so that's a start. The feelings I have when dressed though are immense and I do have a comedown when I have to become me 1.0 again. Me 2.0 will be in London on Thursday. This will be a real test as I will be me 2.0 all day. From when I go out in the morning until the time I come home in the evening. This will give me a brief view as to how it would be if I was me 2.0 full time. 

I will try to keep you updated as to my progress and I will try to take piccies of my trip to London. Fingers crossed. xxxx

Hello! Just a quick update as to where we are, both mentally and physically ;) Been a bit up and down this month, but me 2.0 has managed to make an appearance and me 2.0 will be out in London next week. Have been on a week off this week, however this has been marred by a severe lack of sleep and lack of money to actually do much. Boo!

Here are a couple of piccies of last nights fun:

Having more fun tonight - hopefully a Eurovision party/gathering so there should be more piccies tomorrow. xx

Um......before I start I must apologise for the prolonged hiatus. I have had a rollercoaster of emotions for the past few months, with waiting for my new store to materialise, the frustration of not being able to do the job I'm paid for, a bout of the flu and a cold which just won't shift. However, I am back and other than my job, raring to go. I have the dual personality itch again which I am longing to scratch!!

So, what has bought me back to life. In a nutshell, a couple of months of being a bit of a recluse, the sunnier weather (In the UK - about 1 days worth a year!) and my upcoming week off have re-energised me. I have found my mojo again and I am now trying to create some order in my life and change things up a bit. From clearing out some old tat, thinning out me 1.0's clothes, to exercising more and eating healthily, change was necessary. 

A cleaner mind and a tidier place to live do change your perspective on life, in my view. I helps you to sort things out in your mind better, deal with life's general crap better and give you a brighter outlook on life. Given my issues over the past year and the fact that I was on an upward trend generally, life decided to throw in a few spoilers. This spring clean has picked my back up, dusted me down and give me a healthy kick up the backside. Slowly and steadily, I am on my way back to me again.

Now, as for me 2.0, she has taken a back seat for the past few months. The general malaise that robbed me of my mojo, meant that showing my inner self to the outside world became a major chore, even though I should have been embracing it. I worked out that it was exactly two months between outings - 28th Feb and 1st May. To be honest, it was good, no, fantastic to get me 2.0 out again. All the reasons why I enjoy the freedom of me 2.0 have flooded back - hence the need to scratch the itch.
This has started with an outing to London. I shall let me 2.0 explain more.....

Hiya! Me again. Sorry for the enforced absence - me 1.0 has had a few issues which has meant that I've had to take a back seat. The thing is, I could have helped, if only me 1.0 had let me in. Me 1.0 knows I'm always there for them - they only have to ask.

The trip to London. A couple of months ago, a close friend of mine had told me about a sequel to my favourite stage show - The Rocky Horror Show. Shock Treatment was the sequel and it had been adapted for the first time as a stage show. The venue was a small theatre in Islington - The Kings Head Theatre. I jumped at the chance to go - a trip away from the comfort of my normal surroundings. So, tickets booked, I was looking forward to my new adventure. However.......with me 1.0's hiatus from life, I wasn't sure if I would be going. It was touch and go at one point, but I think me 1.0 saw the light and decided to put me in a new situation.

This was also a chance to go shopping, of course. I couldn't decide what to wear - I looked at my wardrobe and there no inspiration. What was I to do? Now, me 1.0 has always been a bit wary of going shopping for me, but to give me 1.0 their due, they did well! Some new 3/4 length jeans, a new cardie and a few new accessories all made their debut in London. My aim was to blend in and just look natural. To me, I did.

After glamming(!) up, I walked to my friends - they were driving up. It's only about ten minutes down the road. It was in broad daylight in rush hour, along a busy main road. Did I feel nervous? A bit. Until I started walking along the road. Then I felt absolutely.........normal. I was being me. Why should I worry what anybody else thought? The walk was over before I knew it and we were on our way.

The drive up was uneventful and we arrived in Islington in good time. We decided to go for food - we opted for Mexican. Now, at this point, I have to say I was wearing a pair of nude wedges. Unfortunately, they decided to cut into my left foot after only a short walk. Luckily, I had taken my flats and my gallant knight in shining armour (my friends husband), retrieved them for me. As I don't wear heels that often, my 1.0's feet are not battle hardened. This we will have to work on.

The meal was fab. Really tasty and really reasonably priced - even for London. By the time we had finished, we had a couple of hours to go still - the show started at 11.59 pm - so we wandered off to find a decent pub. Most of them had been turned into either shops or restaurants. We then decided to go to the venue. The Kings Head Theatre is conveniently on the back of the Kings Head Pub. Weird, I know! The venue is nice, but it was too loud to talk properly. It was absolutely heaving and even the mellow background music was loud. The highlights were the fact that me 1.0's current favourite beer was on tap and the fact that a GG (genetic female) told me I looked gorgeous. Now, that was a real boost to the system. Up to this point I had not had many second glances and had, in my eyes, blended right in. 

I do feel a difference in the way I am treated when I am me 1.0 and me 2.0. Now, it may seem a bit cliched, but as me 2.0, doors are held open for me, I get smiled at more but, I do feel I am judged on my appearance more. As for me 1.0, I never get a second look, I hold open the doors and I never get smiled at! To me, it seems that some stereotypical gender bias is still alive and kicking.

Finally it was time for the show. We made our way into the tiny theatre and took out seats. The capacity was just over 100 seats, so it made for a very intimate atmosphere. For the purposes of the story, this worked well. The show is set in a TV studio, so we were effectively the studio audience. I won't spoil the story for you, but it was brilliant. A-maz-ing. We all really enjoyed it. The cast were really good and the intimate atmosphere made for a good show. However, all good things must come to an end and we had to come home. It was about 2AM and we were all a bit frazzled. I remembered that I couldn't get straight into bed when I came home - I had a few things to clear up...........

The bed looked even worse!! The perils of being me 2.0. With that, I had to go. Back to reality........

As you can see/read, life is getting better. Me 2.0 is due to be out a lot on my week off and may even be going to London again at the end of the month. That was certain, but as a spa treatment may be on offer beforehand, do I want to enjoy my treatment and relax for the rest of the day or do I have the treatment and then transform into me 2.0 and lose some of that relaxation? I have thought about being a bit androgynous - no major transformation, just a few no gender specific pieces of clothing and a splash of makeup. Try something different. A change is as good as a rest ;) xxxx

It's been a slightly strange couple of weeks. After the highs of February, March has been a bit low key. Not much has been planned and to be honest, I kinda like it. It's nice to have a bit of a breather now and again.

I have finally left the store I was working in. I have mixed emotions on leaving though. Sad to leave some of the staff behind and sad to leave some of the customers behind. However, I am glad to leave some of the staff behind and I am especially glad to leave the town behind!! Going there served it's purpose though. It was a good way to escape the goldfish bowl of my previous life and to rebuild my life in a positive way. It allowed me to regroup and to find me again.........and to find the other me!!

I am currently floating around the stores in my area of the company - helping out stores which are short staffed. This is only until my store opens. A brand new store. The problem is, I really want to get started on the new store, but currently, it won't be open until at least June. So, I feel a bit lost. Can't get my teeth sunk into anything constructive. And I possibly have at least 2 months of this to go. I may go slightly mad.........

It's also a quiet month for me as well. Nothing really planned until the last weekend of the month. A singer friend of mine wants me to help her with her look. Her repertoire is Jazzy/Swing/Movie songs, so wants to adapt her look a little with my help. Ever since I was asked, I have had a few ideas floating around my poor brain that I think might work. It's a work in progress.

I have also had a major confidence boost. A friend of ours, with whom I usually go shopping with, ws on a work do last weekend. Now, both of us, me 1.0/2.0 have been into her place of work. Me 2.0 came up in conversation at her work do. What transpired is that, even though I still don't think I am convincing enough, most of the staff had no idea that there was a me 1.0. To convince genetic females is one of the hardest things to achieve and, in this instance, I achieved it. 

My friend also works with a FTM (female to male) transgender. Now, given my issues with my gender, they are someone who I would like to talk to. I still have the feeling of wanting to transition, but I really want to talk to someone who has had or has gender dysphoria and has decided to transition. To convince them as well is the cherry on top of the cake. I mustn't get over confident though. I know my craft isn't perfect, but I must be doing something right!

I may be around on Saturday - depends on what happens during the day. We'll see ;) xx

Heels. Love wearing them. However, as me 1.0/2.0 are not used to wearing them very often, my feet do tend to suffer very quickly. Going out twice in two weeks has helped my feet to cope, but I still need more practice. It's a hard life being comfortable with myself.

As you may have read in my last post, me 2.0 had another party to go to. This was to the same place as the birthday party in December. Me 2.0 was invited by the landlady of the pub in question as she hadn't been able to meet me 2.0 at the party, So, I had been looking forward to this all week. The only problem was, I had to work Saturday. Which meant working until 4.30pm. This would only leave me about 2 hours to get ready - 45 min drive home and an hour drive later. I did as much preparation as I could the day before - legs, armpits and then laid everything out ready on the morning before I went to work. It was all planned out. 

Off to work I trotted. Little did I know, but for once lady luck shone a little for me. My colleague had been suffering with a cold and on Saturday it had decided to become a full blown head cold. By the early afternoon, it was obvious that they couldn't continue working, so, being a responsible employer, I sent them home. Now, due to a long term condition, I cannot work on my own. So, what else could I do but go home. This piece of good fortune gave me an extra 90 mins to work my magic and get out.

As I had everything laid out ready, I was a bit more relaxed. As it would turn out, I would need that extra time as things did not go quite to plan. Everything was alright until I got to the lippy. Whatever I did, it went wrong. In the past, I would have panicked, however, I kept my calm and reapplied the lippy. Which went wrong again. Sigh. Frustrated, yes; panic, no. So, for the third time, I reapplied. Better than the last two attempts, but not my usual high standard. I would have to do.

After that, the outfit went together perfectly. I wore the same outfit as the week before, just tweaking the hair and shoes slightly. Black wig and a black patent pair of heels. I must also mention at this point that I was also staying our overnight and had to get a set of clothes together to wear on Sunday. The only difference was that I would have to be me 2.0 in the morning as well.

Yes, I would have to around in the morning as well. Why? Well, the person I was staying with is also like me - the friend I had a girlie day with last week. They are older than me and due to circumstance live with their parents.  However, they are not fully out to their parents, so it was easier to say that they had a female friend coming to stay. No me 1.0 to pack, just a get me home outfit and a basic makeup kit. All good practice for me!! 

Car packed, off I went. I felt comfortable - I felt right. The drive to my friends house was quicker than I planned for, so I arrived there about 30 mins early. Which gave us more valuable drinking time and a chance to have a gossip. After doing the whole 'Do I look ok?' routine and fortified with rum, off to the party we went. 

Walking into the pub, we were immediately welcomed in and told how good we looked. I got hugs off of the people I had met before and a few admiring glances off of a few others! It all felt very natural and right. Before long, we were both dancing to the band and having a fabulous time. At the other pub in town (yes, there is only 2, the licensees were leaving, so, as my friend knew them, a few of us went down. The reaction in this pub was completely different. I could feel the hostility as soon as we walked in. We were stared at and one person was intent on causing aggravation. This was my first piece of negativity. This 'person' was intent on ridiculing us and being rude and obnoxious by asking stupid questions. It was not a very accepting pub and the clientele were from the lower end of the evolutionary scale. Not that I'm being bitchy. Much.

So we drank up and made our way back to the original venue. More drink, more dancing and more admiring glances. I did have to rest my feet at one point as they couldn't take any more. They were a little sore. Then, before I knew it, the party was over and we had to go. The taxi was booked for 12am and at 12am it arrived. Once back at my friends, we sat and chatted for at least two hours. I found out quite a lot about my friend, about their past and the things they went through. I felt privileged that they could share them with me. It had got to a point where we had to go to bed. Where I had to, for a couple of hours at least, become me 1.0. I stripped away the layers, removed the makeup and fell into bed. 

When I eventually got up, I had to become me again. On with the layers and on with the makeup. I had to creep across the landing to the bathroom to put the makeup on before anyone saw me. I need more practice at doing makeup quickly, but it was a passable attempt. I had my morning outfit of a long sleeved top. denim skirt, and boots to go home in, but not before a fry up. Eaten in a ladylike fashion, of course! We chatted some more over brunch and put the world to rights, before I had to leave. I drove home and with a heavy heart knew my adventures were nearly over. 

Once home and unpacked, it was time for me to go. Time for me to become me 1.0 again. Off with the wig, makeup and the outfit. Back to me again. Back to the world of conformity. Back with the memories of a fantastic couple of weeks and three outings. I'm just planning when the next one will be. Soon I hope.