I think I have an apology to make. I am very sorry for the long break between posts. This is because I had fallen out of love with my alter ego and had a general malaise over my pastime. However, my love for my alter ego has been refreshed by a trip out last weekend. Hopefully now, I can get back to where I was and hopefully push the boundaries even more.

So, what has happened since my last post? Well, I've settled into my new place, right on the seafront, completed a 40 mile charity walk.......and that's about it. I've just been coasting along with life, working, pubbing and generally surviving. 

So, last weekend was the 30th birthday Film Noir party. My chance to get out again and have a good time. Did I have a good time? Of course I did. New dress, new shoes, new wig and lots of confidence made sure I had a good time. Lots of compliments helped as well!! ;) Hopefully I didn't show the party girl up - I was a little worried that I did. 

The evening started in a pub/bar for food - I was very hungry! (I didn't have time to eat before I went as it takes me a while to look fabulous!!) I got to meet my friends family and work colleagues and got chatting straight away. It felt very natural and I didn't feel nervous at all (other than NOT falling over in my heels!!). We, (the hardcore group), then headed to a Cabaret club for some cocktails and dancing. Some of us had to take a taxi the mile and a half there (well, my feet/calves were not really made for long walks in heels) and was I glad I did! More dancing time! We had some gorgeous cocktails which went down very quickly and lots more dancing until it was time to go home. BOO!!

I haven't felt as alive as I did last weekend for a while now. It all felt natural and right somehow. I didn't have to try too hard and my cheeky side rose to the surface. I can't wait until my next night out! xxxx

So, plans going forward? Become my alter ego more - shopping trip planned for later on this week (daylight trip - eeeek!), another birthday party and Halloween all to plan for. Myself - new job hopefully, if my interview ever gets sorted. Exciting times ahead!

Update coming soon.........been a very busy few months with a lot happening. Have a better internet connection now, so will feel more inclined to blog more frequently!

Well, I thought it was about time that I wrote a post. As I haven't been around much recently, I asked if I could have a go!!

You see, it's been hard, kept in the background for so long - about 22 years to be exact. I really would like to get out of the shadows more and be able to go out more and experience what life has to offer. With all of the issues starting to be ironed out, a light can be seen at the end of the tunnel. I think the idea is to go out more and be able to express myself freely - not to be afraid anymore.

It has been nice to be around this weekend. Although I haven't been out, just seeing the sunshine has helped. Makes me want to go out to a nice pub garden for a drink with friends. At least I have a cocktail evening to look forward to and a Film Noir 30th birthday party to look forward to later in the year. More outfits to buy!

Hopefully, this won't be the one and only post from me - I hope that I will be able to express myself more often and let you guys know how I am and what I'm up to.

Love and kisses xxxx

As it as been a few weeks since my last post, I thought I had better update the loyal band of followers as to my current well being.
Well, really, I have just been bumbling along. Working, been out a few times, housework - the usual monotonous but essential stuff. Had a bit of a blip at work, when they wanted me to train the person bought in above my head to do their job. So, I am not good enough to do the job, but I am good enough to train them. Funnily enough, I said no. I did not think it was appropriate to put me in that situation, considering this is the second time in six months it has happened to me. 

On the plus side, It looks like I will be moving back near my friends soon. Things are moving forward nicely, so I should hopefully have a better update in a few weeks time. Fingers crossed!

I had my second counselling session this week. We concentrated on employment this session. In a nutshell, the outcome was to get a new job. I think it is the best way to go, but my employer is very good in lots of ways. I have been given some 'homework'. I have to do a plan of where I want to be work wise in two years time. I cannot see me moving up in my company anytime in the next two years, so my future lies elsewhere, methinks!

With regard to my gender conundrum and given the upturn in my mental health, at the moment, the status quo is the current preferred option, albeit with an increased presence of my alter ego. I need to express my inner self more and I am finally gaining the strength to do so. I have a feminine side which I want to unleash more and more and I really believe that by letting this out that I will be a happier and better person in the future. 

A new outfit and wig for this weekend. A St Patricks Day party to go to - first time out this year! Really looking forward to it. I think I am going to be a bit overdressed, but you only live once and I have to enjoy and grasp every opportunity I can to show my true self. It will only be a small gathering, but it is people I know well, so I will feel a lot more comfortable.

Another day, another sense of failure. I am my own worst enemy - I have known that for quite a long time. Even after the admission in my last blog, I still have not been able to make any progress. Even I am boring myself with this one.

Procrastination. I am very good at that. Always have been and probably always will be. I will think about that and let you know. I am full of good ideas, able to plan the ideas out and how to achieve them, just not able to execute them. I expect it is all about prioritising and I am no good at that. Really, I need a rocket up my arse to get me motivated. It is hard to do that when live on your own and most of your friends live about 20 to 30 miles away. I must fight the malaise!

Sunday I will be starting my training for a 40 mile hike I am doing for charity in July. I have no option to get out of this one. In a way, that is exactly what I need. The training gets harder and harder the closed you get to the hike, so I really do need to get motivated. I have no choice on this one!

I cannot seem to get my head straight. I know what I have to do, it is just a case of getting the impetus to do it. I need some stimulation to get me going, but I am having trouble finding it. All I seem to do is sit and hypothesise if and what and then I procrastinate about what to do. I just cannot seem to make a decisive plan of action about the way forward.

Now, I have not had an easy couple of years and the events that have occurred have pushed me to the very edge of my limits. This, in turn, has led me to question many aspects of my life; Past life events, Gender, Work, Relationships, Friendships and my own state of mind. Some I am now dealing with, which has pulled me back from the brink. Since the start of the year, things had been going well, but recently, I have lost my mojo. 

My alter ego has not been out to play recently either. The weather has not helped matters. The constant rain and wind since the start of the year have made me want to stay at home, especially over the past couple of weeks. It is at times like this, that I miss having someone to snuggle up to and keep warm in the evening. I want to do things, go places as my alter ego, but it all seems like a lot of effort and so I cannot be bothered. Then I get angry with myself for not doing the things I should and so the cycle continues. Even completing this blog seems like a chore. I know I have to make the effort though. One step at a time........

Hopefully I will be able to pull myself out of this malaise and continue the good work that I have started. I need to move forward and not backward. I have a lot to do this year and every second counts. 

Um. Not a word I like to use as it really annoys me, but Um. Um as in after a good start to the year I have reached an um stage.Six weeks of good progress are being undone by a period of inactivity on my part. It could be as a by product of the lead up to my birthday and the subsequent come down. I had a very good week off with lots of things done and lots of money spent. I was also looking forward to the counselling session as this was the start of the next stage of my life clean up (more later). However, I am now feeling quite flat.

Let me talk about the counselling. Well, it's not really proper face to face, lets talk things through counselling, but what they call CBT or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It is helping you construct strategies to deal with the issues you have. I have six fifty minute sessions spread over a six month period. To some people, that may not seem very helpful to have only six sessions over such a long space of time, but at least I am getting some help, thanks to the much maligned NHS. My first session mainly consisted of getting the issues out that I need to deal with - of which there are a few. Once we had got these into the open, we could then start to look at the ways in which I could start to deal with them. So, that is what I am now working on until my next session. Mainly the sleep issue (the lack of) and how I deal with other people.

I have had a bit of a cold the last couple of weeks which I cannot seem to shake off. That is not helping the situation. All I want to do is sleep or eat. I have got to try and find the gumption to move forward again and motivate myself.

The Gender conundrum still continues to taunt me. For the last month I have felt like the scales were swinging towards staying in the male body and becoming my alter ego for fun. However, the last week they have been swinging in the other direction again. I have a feeling that this is going to take a lot longer than a year to even just get my head around. It is turning into a bigger struggle than even I imagined.

Hopefully by getting some of my issues sorted through the CBT will make the path cleared. Fingers crossed.