Life is strange. Mine is full of interesting people, places, events and situations. Highs and lows. Rights and wrongs. My life has been a rollercoaster over the past few years and it's not going to stop anytime soon. My decision to pursue Gender Reassignment Surgery (GRS) is going to divide opinion, cause upset and alienate some people in my sphere of influence. I have so far been encouraged by the responses of my friends - even though I have one who keeps asking me if I'm sure. I keep saying I'm sure. I haven't been so sure of anything since I first put on a dress and decided I enjoyed it. 

So, how far have I got? Well......not very far. With working 47.5 hours per week over the past few weeks, I haven't had time to re-register at a local doctors and start the process. It's frustrating, but my fault. So, I've started to make subtle changes in my life to compensate and hopefully make the transition slightly easier. Things like growing my hair, taking better care of myself, slightly feminising my mannerisms. Not too much of the last one, but enough in the right company.

It's been a good and bad week,for me 2.0. I'll let me 2.0 explain...........

A while ago, A friend of mine, who is a very good singer by the way, had got a gig at the pub where I have been a few times with my 'sister' (she'll love me for saying that!). So, I was invited to go. Obviously I was going to go - miss a chance to get dressed up? Never! I had been looking forward to it for ages. Then, me 1.0's new branch opened. The week of the gig. Ah. The fact me 1.0 had to work until 5pm meant that I didn't have a lot of time to get ready. 

So the night before, I had to hog the bathroom to feminise myself. It takes a lot of preparation to get this body looking even vaguely feminine! Finally, after about an hour of de-fuzzing, scrubbing and moisturising, part one was complete. This went a long way to helping me with my lack of prep time on the Friday.

Originally, the plan was to glam up. I had a new dress and everything. Then weather that evening said otherwise. I messaged my friend that I sadly wasn't going to glam up, but would still make an effort. And I did. I even managed to do my make up in an hour. It wasn't my best effort, but I think I got away with it. Just ;)

In the car I got and drove for about an hour - that's dedication for you. The feelings of nervousness that I used to feel when going out on my own and going into places on my own are lessening. It helps when I have been somewhere before, as I have here. So I parked up and walked into the pub. Disappointingly, it wasn't very busy. The weather - heavy rain and wind, a beer festival and other events conspired to keep people away.

The friend with whom I normally go in the pub with hadn't arrived yet and eventually arrived about 45 mins later. They did have mitigating circumstances though. However, my friend was setting up and the landlord and landlady recognised me and immediately put me at ease. It was good to have catch up with my friend and we had a chat about my decision to go for GRS. She was really pleased that I had made the decision to go for it. That is real validation of my decision. Confidence boosted accordingly!

The lack of audience combined with a few, shall we say, unappreciative audience members didn't help her cause, but when they left and it was just a few hardened souls left, she really let rip! Even I had a boogie and I felt totally at ease with myself. For me,it was a good evening. Again, I was sad when it was over and me 2.0 had to disappear again. Hopefully this is the beginning of me 2.0 being me 1.0. Fingers crossed.

After the highs of the gig, last night I had a taste of the lows of my decision. I am eventually going to tell my mum that I want to become her daughter. Whilst visiting her and my stepdad last night, an advert for I am Cait the programme about Caitlyn Jenner came on. My stepdad, who is from a certain era, made some disparaging comments about her and called her a heshe, and a freak. I had to bite my tongue. I fear it isn't going to be an easy task when he finds out. I think he is the person least likely to accept it. It is the first piece of negativity I have come across and I doubt it will be the last.

Onwards and upwards. It hasn't swayed me from my decision. I'm still going to ask for GRS. It's still my goal. It's still my dream and it's a dream I intend to come true. Hopefully most people will join me for the ride. It's going to be bumpy, lumpy and there will unfortunately be no rumpy pumpy! I have a good set of friends around me who understand and I hope will be there for me as they have done up till now. Buckle up!

I've made my decision. The feedback so far has been positive, but, that's only from a handful of people. I have been thinking a lot about what the consequences are, what the effect it is going to have on my whole life and the effect on those around me. By getting one issue off of my chest, it has created many more to keep me awake at night!

I want to get to the doctor to start the process off as soon as I can. However, I have a problem (of my own making). I have to change my doctor. When I moved last year, I didn't change my doctor. As I am now at least 30 miles away, I really do need to change. There is a slight fly in the ointment, as I can't change until I have had my next lot of medication. (I'm epileptic). Luckily, they are due in the next few weeks, so I can set the wheels in motion.

I have been a little tetchy the past week. Due to my laxness at re-registering with a doctor, the thought of telling people of my decision and the fact that I want to change things about me NOW!! I know it will take time, but I am a little impatient. Scratch that, I'm VERY impatient. I have been debating my decision for about a year now and given the fact that it will probably take over a year to get an appointment to discuss my gender dysphoria with a qualified professional, I really want to get started now.

I do feel at odds with my physical vessel more and more nowadays. I don't feel right presenting myself as 'Male', when my brain says otherwise. The only problem I have at present,is the fact it takes me a good few hours to turn me 1.0 into me 2.0. Finding the time in the evening is hard and it can really only happen at weekends, holidays or if I manage to get some time off during the week. Currently, the odds are stacked against me. A charity walk, the opening of my new branch, the manager going on holiday all equal no time for me 2.0. Grrrrr.

I suppose good things come to those who wait. Seriously, I've been waiting quite a few years now. I'm starting to get fed up with waiting and waiting and waiting. I just want something to go right for once, without any complications or worries. I know I am destined to fail on that score, but it would be nice for something to go smoothly.

Right, rant over. So, with regard to me 2.0, here are the latest musings from my alter ego.......


Well, now for a lighter interlude! I was lucky to be invited out to a 30th birthday party last week. I hadn't decided to go until Thursday last week (it was between me 1.0 and me 2.0). I had managed to get Friday afternoon off of work so I could get ready and try and make myself presentable. After talking outfits with a friend who was also going, we decided on smart casual and as it was a tad warm last week, comfortable for me! After plucking, smoothing, painting and tweaking, I was ready to face the world. 

Unfortunately, I had forgotten a couple of things. These things were also personal fears which were things I would have to deal with if I started to transition. 1). Getting on a local bus on my own in daylight. 2). Walking through my local town in daylight. 3). Getting on a train in my local town in daylight. With the thought of transition in mind, I went for it. I got on the bus, I walked through the town and I got on that train. Three fears dealt with. Yes, I got stared at and yes, I didn't care. I felt right and that was all that mattered.

My friend got on two stops up and we made our journey to the local city. We walked down from the station and into the pub. Most of the group I didn't know and other than the three people I knew (The birthday boy (who is a good friend) and two other very good friends) me 1.0 had met one of the group once. Given the nature of the group, I was very comfortable in their presence and totally at ease. After a lot of bad dancing, awful jokes and a couple of glasses of wine (and the odd whiskey), the night was over and home beckoned. Four of us walked back to the station and we all departed at various points along the journey. At my stop, I had another two personal fears to face. Walking to the bus stop at night and getting the bus at night. 

Walking through town as me 2.0 was scary. As me 1.0, I would have felt OK, but me 2.0 did feel more alert and aware as to who was around me and how close they were to me. I can sympathise with how intimidating it can be for females to walk around at night on their own. I kept to well lit roads and made my way to the bus stop. There was a 20 minute wait for the bus. Luckily, it was in a well lit area and there were plenty of people around.

The bus came and I got on to enjoy my five minute ride home. When I got off the bus, the driver made a comment. 'You look really good. You really do look good. I'm very impressed.' Music to my ears! That was such a confidence boost. He realised that it was my alter ego, but I must have been pretty convincing to elicit that response. Happy times!! :)

However, the evening had to draw to a close and all vestiges of me 2.0 had to go away. I feel like I am putting the real me away. The pretty(!) and girly me who wants to be out there and open to the world. Hopefully one day I can change me 2.0 into me 1.0. We'll see. xxxx