Feeling very deflated this evening. After the initial euphoria of telling my mum last week about my Gender Dysphoria, the first major negative has reared it's ugly head. Let me explain. After work, I decided to visit my mum, just to say hello and catch up. A soon as she opened the door, I realised that I was, for want of a better phrase, 'Persona non grata'. The welcome was decidedly frosty. I asked if she was alright and received a very curt 'Yes'. I'd taken up an information pack for her to read and I handed it to her. It was snatched away and put somewhere.

I think the enormity of the situation as sunk in. I think she's in the 'Anger' stage. Whatever I said, there was a sarcastic reply given. I was chatting to my stepdad and if I made a comment about something, there was the sarcasm. After about an hour of this, I'd had enough, made my excuses and left. The door was slammed shut behind me.

Now, I know that this is only the start of, and the first real negativity that I WILL experience. The trouble is, when it comes from your own family, it's harder to deal with. I know she will be going through the stages of grief - Shock, Guilt, Pain, Anger etc and I realise that it may take time for her to accept that this is my decision, even if she doesn't accept that it is happening or accepts me as I am. I haven't spoken to my sister yet, so I have no idea how she's feeling. 

I keep telling myself that I'm strong enough to cope with the adverse reactions that I will come across and I probably am. However, when it actually happens, it's still a big body blow and I am hurting. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and tell myself that it's all going to be OK. I didn't see my family for a long time due to circumstances and I don't want to lose them again. I have the most amazing friends who I know will always be there for me and some of their parents will adopt me if my family do disown me, but it still hurts and I really want their acceptance.

I can't help the way I feel and I don't want to live a lie any longer. Yes, I may become selfish over the next few years, but that will be due to issues like this. I have to look after number one. Society will place obstacles in my way, people will try to make my life difficult and my own body will create it's own issues. I will become determined. My friends all know that I will always be there for them, whatever is happening and essentially I will be the same person inside. The vessel will be more coherent with my mind, but my ideals, likes, loves, feelings will all be the same. I still hurt in the same way, the same way my mum is probably hurting now. My love for my family won't change. I will still be a child, sibling, cousin, Human Being. 

I'll give it another week and try again. I'll pick myself up and carry on, but it'll be in the back of my mind. Apologies to my friends if I am a little subdued or don't feel like going out. I may need a little me time. And perhaps a glass of wine/beer/cup of tea. And chocolate, definitely chocolate. xxxx

Finally, a week off. A well earned holiday after a whirlwind couple of months. Except, I am booked to do something almost every day. I'm going back to work for a rest!! Really, it has been nice to not just sit at home and bore myself stupid watching daytime TV and get out and see people/do things.

For the first three days, Lunch has been the order of the day. Monday, Lunch with my very close friend - my purveyor of all things of a beauty nature; Tuesday was lunch with my singer friend - an ardent supporter from the start and today was with my mum for her birthday. I actually have a free day tomorrow - Yay! - and on Friday I have a spa treatment in Old London Town, half price courtesy of my Monday lunch friend. So a pretty hectic week.

Now, as I have some time off, it is a good chance for me 2.0 to be out and about. Which is exactly what happened on Tuesday. The lunch was arranged last week, with me deciding on the location/venue. So, I chose a place halfway between our 2 locations and a fairly innocuous venue (a chain Italian restaurant). Me 2.0 will explain further........We hadn't had a proper catch up for ages and it felt like the right time to have a girlie day out. I originally thought that we would met at my friends place, not knowing that they had an ulterior motive.

So after getting ready, it was time to go. Off to the car I went and off I drove. Now, I was going to a town I'd been to before but under the cover of darkness. This time would be under the full glare of daylight. I wasn't particularly nervous as I know that I would have to do this anyway in the future. This was also part of my friends ulterior motive - to get me out in public. I parked up, paid and then went for a wander around town as I was early. I think I got a few stares and double takes but I wasn't really taking any notice. I was just happy to be out as me. 

The next step was getting a table in the restaurant. In I walked and after waiting for a few minutes, was approached by a waiter. I asked for a table for two and was shown to a table (pretty boring stuff, but important to me). The fact is I was treated just like anyone else, which is exactly as it should be. Also the fact that I didn't really feel nervous is testament to the confidence that has grown over the past year in how I present myself and how I perceive myself.

My friend came in and we chatted and chatted and chatted and eventually ordered food. Then we chatted some more. I felt totally at ease, was told I looked good and have a good old chinwag and update. The food was good too! After what we thought was an hour was actually two (there was a lot to talk about!), we decided after we'd topped up our parking, we would have a mooch around the charity shops. I wasn't expecting to find anything, but I came away with a long skirt and a dress. (Pictures below). My friend was also trying to create a style that would go with her style of music. A touch of glamour and class, but comfortable at the same time. They found a lovely beaded top in one shop and a dress that could be, with minimal adjustment, perfect.

I think I've been pencilled in to help with the styling. Which I think is also a good confidence boost to me that they have confidence in my abilities. Hopefully! As for the whole day, it all felt, well, right. It felt natural. I felt like me. I didn't really want it to end. It was a proper girlie day out - lunch, a gossip and shopping. We both said that we have to do it again. Hopefully soon! However all too soon it was over and the journey back to being me 1.0 had begun. I hope it's not too long until I'm out again! 

As for today, well it didn't really turn out as expected. As you may know, I really needed to tell my mum about my decision. To be honest, actually getting my mum on her own has been, well, difficult. I didn't want to tell her today as it was her birthday. Let me start at the beginning. I had arranged to take my mum to lunch as her birthday treat. So, I picked her up from work and we went to a local Garden Centre which has a reputation for doing good food. So we sat down and ordered our food and then the fatal question was asked; 'So how are you, really?'. So, after a little explanation, I told her the truth. I am Transgender. I have Gender Dysphoria.

Now, I don't think the full enormity of the situation as completely sunk in yet, but I think that from her initial reaction, that I have her support. She is obviously upset about losing a son, which is understandable. She gave birth to a son. She said that she wasn't surprised and I knew she thought something wasn't right. We spent the next hour talking about the implications of my decision on not only me, but the family, work and everyone else around me. Luckily she works in the medical profession and has some insight into the process I will be going through. 

One person that came up was my sister. We both agreed that I had to tell her sooner rather than later otherwise she would get a bit narked that my mum knew and she didn't! Luckily, the perfect opportunity arose once I had taken my mum home. My sister was there already. My stepdad was out and she was there on her own. There was the usual banter and I mentioned the fact that I had a spa treatment in London on Friday. Her comment was; 'There's something strange about you.' I stopped for a second and said to her; 'I have something to tell you. Come and sit down.' She didn't think I was being serious However, a combination of me and my mum persuaded her to do as she was told.

She sat down and I said to her the following; 'How do you feel about having an older sister?'. A stunned look crossed her face. Then I started to tell her my decision and it finally dawned on her. Her reaction - laughter. Again, I don't think the gravity of the situation has fully sunk in yet. Only time will tell. From my point of view, it's a huge weight off of my mind. A major hurdle overcome. One of many yet to come. As long as I can keep smiling, keep strong and keep my confidence, I should be OK. Plus the love of my friends and family - that will be absolutely crucial.

A quick midweek update on my appointment with the Local Mental Health team. The verdict.........(drumroll please).......I HAVE MY REFERRAL!!!!!!!!!!!! WooHoo!!!! To say I'm happy is an understatement! :):):)

I was very apprehensive before going into the appointment as I didn't know what to expect, the reactions I would receive or if I'd even get a referral. Luckily for me, the doctor had worked at the Local GIC (Gender Identity Clinic) for a number of years. This gave them a greater understanding of what I was going through and what questions to ask with regard to an initial diagnosis. There were lots of questions about my childhood, teenage years, marriage, family and much, much more. 

The doctor was very thorough and explained to me the processes involved in changing gender. Real life experience, hormone therapy, what the protocol is for the treatment. Luckily, a friend of a friend, a Female to Male transgender, emailed me a copy of the NHS protocol for the, and I hate the word, treatment of transgender patients. This had given me a good insight into what to expect and the some of the timescales involved. It's not going to be a quick process - I reckon about 5 years at least. 

One good thing is that I frequently go out as me 2.0 in a variety of situations. When you start the Real Life Experience(RLE), you have to demonstrate that you have been through various experiences, ie: Work, family gatherings, social gatherings etc as your chosen gender. I have deliberately put myself into certain situations as I realise that I would have to go through them on my own as part of the RLE. Situations like getting a bus, train, walking through my local town, shopping etc. It's all well and good in a group of people, but I will need to tackle a lot of situations on my own.

The outcome was that they had no hesitation in referring me to the GIC because as far as they could see, I was Gender Dysphoric. The relief I felt at that point was instant and heart warming. The journey was finally starting. The doctor was going to write up the notes and I have to have a blood test, for Lipids, Cholesterol and Testosterone. Provided that here are no major issues with the blood test, I shall wait for that letter of referral - which will probably be sometime early next year. The waiting game now starts in earnest.........

I'm a bit all over the place right now - emotionally at least. It's a combination of wanting to start my journey in earnest, wanting to be me 2.0 more and the realisation that I am now at the start of a very long process with a lot of waiting involved. The last time I posted, I was waiting for my appointment at the doctors to ask for a referral to a GIC (Gender Identity Clinic). To say it was a bit of an anti climax, is understating it.

Although I live very near a city renowned for it's carefree and liberal attitude, it's surprising that healthcare professionals only 10 miles down the road have no experience or knowledge of what is expected of them and the protocols in place. I realise that they may not have had a request for a referral before, but they should still be aware of the system. Right, rant over.

The outcome of the appointment; They would find out what steps they have to take and let me know within 3 weeks. What has actually happened; A referral to the local mental health team. The appointment - 5th of October. How do I feel about this? Well, luckily, I have spoken to someone who is going through the same process as me, albeit in the opposite direction, who started their journey in the same county as me. They had two appointments with their local mental health team before they got a referral, but they had their referral within 4 months. So, fingers crossed.

For the time being, I will just have to keep on being me - that is me 2.0, as much as possible. I need to be me 2.0 more and I fully intend to be. Even if it's just sitting in front of a computer, in a pyjama set, with a little bit of strategic padding................;)

Luckily enough, me 2.0 had a birthday party to go to last weekend. A chance to get out and about again. I will let me 2.0 take up the reigns.........Party time!! Time to get on the glad rags and become a glamour puss. and that's exactly what I did. The party was for a good friend of mine. We see each other on a regular basis (unfortunately as me 1.0) and is very supportive of me and my decision. I spent my time getting ready and this was the finished look:

Due to the fact that I was a bit scared, I drove to the nearest town to catch the train. However, once out, I felt.....ALIVE! I walked to the station, bought my ticket and made my way to the platform. I didn't care if people stared at me or whispered behind my back, I felt gorgeous and (hopefully) looked it.

My friend said that she and her new Boyf would meet me at the station. As my train pulled into the station, I couldn't see her or her Boyf. No problem, with my confidence at a high, I proceeded to the exit. My confidence was further boosted by the comment the guard made as I walked past; 'Goodnight Miss'. If I hadn't have had quite a lot of make up on, I would have gone a very dark shade of pink!

My friend and her Boyf were just coming onto the platform as I was leaving, so we walked back to the pub and whilst they continued, I started the merriment. It was a very nice evening surrounded by friends old and new and as usual, I felt completely at ease and accepted. I think that me 2.0 is how I'm perceived now (at least I hope so). However, the last train home beckoned and we had to leave. Back to the station we went and the train we did catch. My friend an her Boyf left the train 2 stops before me, leaving me on my own. Yes, I got stared at and no, I didn't care. Off the train I got and I walked to the bus stop to get the night bus. Walking through my local town was a bit scary - lone woman on her own late at night. Luckily it was along very well lit roads and the area around the bus stop was busy. 

As usual, the bus was delayed. Yes, even at 12am, it was delayed. So I had to wait. Eventually it came and I knew my time to shine was nearly over. Once at home it was time to become......me 1.0 again. Stripped back to the bare bones again. Back to reality. Time to put away the proper me and become the shell of me. The me who is trying to change. 

That's the last few weeks in a nutshell. The next few will be interesting and I will keep you updated. Onwards and upwards - hopefully!

Wednesday the 2nd of September. The day I ask to be referred to a GIC (Gender Identity Clinic) by my GP. It is the earliest day I could get an appointment after 5pm. I can't go during the day next week as I have to work every hour my branch is open, so it will have to be the week after.

I just want to start the process. It has taken me 38 years to get to this point - I suppose another couple of weeks is a drop in the ocean. Then there's the thorny issue of telling my family. Yes, I know it has to be done and I know I will have to do it soon.  To be honest, I'm really scared. I have only really just been accepted back into the fold after 'issues' with my ex and can't stand the thought of any new rejection. I know I have a great network of friends for support and they will be there for me whatever may happen, but I really need my family to accept my decision. They may not agree with it, but I've spent too long thinking about other people and not looking after me.

I have spent some time looking into the protocols and timelines of transitioning and I am a bit scared that I may not be accepted for 'treatment' as I have not shown major physiological issues with my gender throughout my life. Although my questions about my gender started in the 1990's, I had put them to the back of my mind when  got into serious relationships. Yes, maybe the thought of changing gender cropped up every couple of years (when times were tough in my relationships), but I quickly dismissed them. I know this is what I want - I'm just frightened that I won't be able to change the way I want to. If I don't do this now, I never will. 

My mind is starting to over analyse the situation and in turn is making me question if it will happen. Perhaps I am just making mountains out of molehills and I will be accepted for 'treatment'. If not - I will have to cope, somehow. I'm nervous enough as it is - I don't need all this as well!!

Just a quick update to let you all know where I am and what's happened over the past few days. After my last post, I decided to announce my decision to ask for Gender Reassignment Surgery (GRS) on me 2.0's Facebook page. The reaction has been very positive and I have had so much support from people who have said I'm courageous, brave and have made the right decision.

There is one person who I never thought would be as supportive as they have. I used to work with this person and during my divorce a few years ago they were very good to me and we have kept in contact, (when I remembered!) ever since. As we work for the same company, it has helped! They friended me 2.0 on Facebook a few months ago and on my last trip to my old store, I finally told them about me 2.0. I was over the moon with the reaction and it was such a weight off of my mind as I had wanted to tell them for ages.

After putting the status up on Facebook, I got a comment from this person that basically was an OMG! moment. They have said they will support me and help me in any way they can and I believe them. This has made me extremely happy and I now truly know what a fantastic group of friends I have. I don't have quantity, I have quality.

Following on from this and going off slightly at a tangent, but it is relevant, was a birthday party me 1.0 was invited to on Saturday. Now,this is someone who I have met through friends and I was happy that they invited me 1.0 along. They know about me 2.0 and have met me 2.0. The evening was about this person and I didn't intend to even mention or talk about my decision. It wasn't my evening and I'm not that kind of person.

However, the conversation did turn to my decision, as a few of my close friends (all me 2.0 friends) were there. Again, the support I received was amazing and beyond anything I expected. One of them, the partner of the birthday boy, has even started to see me as me 2.0 and is even referring to me by my chosen name and pronouns. We had a very in depth conversation and that made my evening. Well, that and the fact I was, shall we say, persuaded to go clubbing capped off a good evening.

The next piece of positive news was from someone I have known for about 16 years now and knew about me 2.0 way before the current incarnation. They didn't meet me 2.0 before and haven't really this time. (Except for a Rocky Horror excursion). I had a text from them about meeting up - I'm really bad at keeping in contact with some people, a major failing of mine - and they revealed a piece of info I wasn't expecting. It was only a small thing, but it was a big thing for me. On an old phone of theirs, from way back in time, the icon they had when they first put my details in, was of a girl. They obviously knew even back then!

I have also had a message from someone who is going through the transition from female to male. I have met this person through a very good and extremely supportive friend and they have said that if I ever want to talk about anything they are there. Considering I have only met this person a few times, that is a very nice thing to say and I expect I will have a few questions for them.

I know it won't all be a bed of roses and there will be a huge amount of negativity on the way. However, with the amazing people behind me so far and the support they have given, I will hopefully make my through this journey a relatively normal and sane person, It's early days yet and there are still many hurdles to get across before the journey really starts. The toughest one is the first one. Wish me luck.

Life is strange. Mine is full of interesting people, places, events and situations. Highs and lows. Rights and wrongs. My life has been a rollercoaster over the past few years and it's not going to stop anytime soon. My decision to pursue Gender Reassignment Surgery (GRS) is going to divide opinion, cause upset and alienate some people in my sphere of influence. I have so far been encouraged by the responses of my friends - even though I have one who keeps asking me if I'm sure. I keep saying I'm sure. I haven't been so sure of anything since I first put on a dress and decided I enjoyed it. 

So, how far have I got? Well......not very far. With working 47.5 hours per week over the past few weeks, I haven't had time to re-register at a local doctors and start the process. It's frustrating, but my fault. So, I've started to make subtle changes in my life to compensate and hopefully make the transition slightly easier. Things like growing my hair, taking better care of myself, slightly feminising my mannerisms. Not too much of the last one, but enough in the right company.

It's been a good and bad week,for me 2.0. I'll let me 2.0 explain...........

A while ago, A friend of mine, who is a very good singer by the way, had got a gig at the pub where I have been a few times with my 'sister' (she'll love me for saying that!). So, I was invited to go. Obviously I was going to go - miss a chance to get dressed up? Never! I had been looking forward to it for ages. Then, me 1.0's new branch opened. The week of the gig. Ah. The fact me 1.0 had to work until 5pm meant that I didn't have a lot of time to get ready. 

So the night before, I had to hog the bathroom to feminise myself. It takes a lot of preparation to get this body looking even vaguely feminine! Finally, after about an hour of de-fuzzing, scrubbing and moisturising, part one was complete. This went a long way to helping me with my lack of prep time on the Friday.

Originally, the plan was to glam up. I had a new dress and everything. Then weather that evening said otherwise. I messaged my friend that I sadly wasn't going to glam up, but would still make an effort. And I did. I even managed to do my make up in an hour. It wasn't my best effort, but I think I got away with it. Just ;)

In the car I got and drove for about an hour - that's dedication for you. The feelings of nervousness that I used to feel when going out on my own and going into places on my own are lessening. It helps when I have been somewhere before, as I have here. So I parked up and walked into the pub. Disappointingly, it wasn't very busy. The weather - heavy rain and wind, a beer festival and other events conspired to keep people away.

The friend with whom I normally go in the pub with hadn't arrived yet and eventually arrived about 45 mins later. They did have mitigating circumstances though. However, my friend was setting up and the landlord and landlady recognised me and immediately put me at ease. It was good to have catch up with my friend and we had a chat about my decision to go for GRS. She was really pleased that I had made the decision to go for it. That is real validation of my decision. Confidence boosted accordingly!

The lack of audience combined with a few, shall we say, unappreciative audience members didn't help her cause, but when they left and it was just a few hardened souls left, she really let rip! Even I had a boogie and I felt totally at ease with myself. For me,it was a good evening. Again, I was sad when it was over and me 2.0 had to disappear again. Hopefully this is the beginning of me 2.0 being me 1.0. Fingers crossed.

After the highs of the gig, last night I had a taste of the lows of my decision. I am eventually going to tell my mum that I want to become her daughter. Whilst visiting her and my stepdad last night, an advert for I am Cait the programme about Caitlyn Jenner came on. My stepdad, who is from a certain era, made some disparaging comments about her and called her a heshe, and a freak. I had to bite my tongue. I fear it isn't going to be an easy task when he finds out. I think he is the person least likely to accept it. It is the first piece of negativity I have come across and I doubt it will be the last.

Onwards and upwards. It hasn't swayed me from my decision. I'm still going to ask for GRS. It's still my goal. It's still my dream and it's a dream I intend to come true. Hopefully most people will join me for the ride. It's going to be bumpy, lumpy and there will unfortunately be no rumpy pumpy! I have a good set of friends around me who understand and I hope will be there for me as they have done up till now. Buckle up!